Inside Out (16 page)

“The mall it is. How about we see a movie after?”

“Sounds good” I agreed. We pulled into the parking lot of the mall, parking on the side closest to the food court.

“Shall we?” Jude extended his arm to me. I giggled and linked my arm through his, looking around at the few people in the parking lot that seemed to be enjoying his silly mood.

“I’ll have the famous bacon burger and a large fry.” I rattled off my order to the lanky gentleman behind the counter “Oh, and a large coke.”

“I’ll have what she’s having.” Jude announced, shrugging his shoulders as if impressed by my selection. We took seat at the far end of the court, choosing a tiny booth that sat next to the window. The view of the parking lot wasn’t exactly romantic, though, sometimes humorous. We both choked on a fry as a large man tripped over what appeared to be nothing more than a rock. He fell into his girlfriend, knocking them both to their knees. She stood, dusting herself off and swatted him in the head with her purse. “Man, gonna slap me like that if I trip and knock you over?” Jude spoke with a mouth full of hamburger. Ketchup dripped down his lip, and his cheeks were filled from his large bite of food.

“Damn, saving up some for the winter?” I shook my head and dabbed the ketchup with a napkin. “Yes, I’d probably slap you just the same” I admitted with a grin.

“And that is why I love you.”

“I think I’m getting full.” I drank the coke from the straw, draining the last drop of liquid and creating a slurping sound.

“I imagine so. That burger was bigger than you, and you demolished it.” His eyes were wide as he examined the remaining crumbs of the famous bacon burger.

“I demolished mine? You look like you were in a burger eating contest at the fair, you damn pig.” I used my finger to point to the mangled up morsels of his meal.

“That’s how a man eats, woman.” He grabbed our trays, walking over to dispose the contents into the trash. “A movie, my lady?” He returned with a smile.

“As long as I can choose” I winked.

“Anything you want” Jude stated with a grin. We strolled through the mall hand in hand, gazing at the shops through the windows and the smiles on the children’s faces as they jumped up and down at the counter of the ice cream shop. This place was cozy, the atmosphere almost reminded me of the feeling I had when I shopped there at Christmas. We rounded the corner of the bakery when an unpleasant sight came into view.

“Seriously?” I sighed as I saw Kara’s annoying grin. Her ice blue eyes settled directly on Jude.

“Hi.” Kara murmured.

“Hi.” Jude bit out in aggravation.

“Funny seeing you two here. It’s as if fate set this meeting up so I’d have a chance to apologize. Jude, Sam, I just want to say that I’m truly sorry. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Listen, Jude, our… well, what happened that night, I take full responsibility for it. I was drunk, you were drunk, and things got out of hand. I know you don’t remember it and it’s probably better that way. I buried the feelings that I had for you, I honestly only wish to be friends, friends with you both.” The lies rolled off her tongue with ease. I stared into her eyes, still noticing the same flame as before. She was still burning for Jude whether she admitted it or not.

“Kara, I forgive you this time. But, I want you to know I won’t forget it. You could have ruined things with Sam and me.” My mouth fell open when I heard his words. He’d forgiven her that easy. Kara’s smile reappeared, flashing it at Jude and then at me. I was sickened by the sight of her face and flabbergasted that Jude would just let bygones be bygones without even an argument. Kara flung her arms around Jude’s neck, squeezing him, and rocking back on her heels.

“Oh, I knew you couldn’t stay mad. Thank you, thank you!” She slithered in like a snake for a quick peck on his cheek. “I’ll call you this week to discuss my position at your restaurant. I hope it’s still mine for the taking.” She strutted away, flinging her hair over her shoulder, and twisting her hips.

“Just like that, huh? Just like that, you forgive her for everything? How could you? Yet another decision you make without me. You know, maybe she’s right. Maybe you have feelings for her and you’re too big of a coward to admit it. Either way, fuck you and fuck her. When you decide I’m the only one for you, call me. You know, better yet, don’t.” I yanked my arm away from his and turned to make my grand finale one to remember. I flipped my hair over my shoulder, mimicking the same exit Kara had made. “See ya!” I called never looking back to see Jude’s expression. My stomach was in knots with each step that carried me further away from where he was standing.

“Samantha…” I was sure I heard Jude’s voice echo through the mall. I disappeared out a side exit before stopping to see if it was him. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket, dialing my mom’s phone as quickly as my fingers would move. A light trickle of rain began to fall from the sky. A gloomy look appeared in the sky, gray washed over the perfect white clouds. I closed my eyes, letting the mist of rain cool my face. The damp, dreary atmosphere fit my mood. I was sinking back into that scary place that lived inside me.

“About time you called.” My mom answered in frustration.

“Mom, I’m so sorry. You have no idea how hectic life has been for me. I think I’m fired from Dr. Sonny’s. Oh, and, can I come home?”

“For heaven’s sake, child, we both lost him. My world is just as hectic. It feels as if I’ve lost you both. Yes. Yes, you can come home.” Her tone was filled with bitterness.

“I’m at the mall. Please, please come get me. I’ll give you gas money if you need it.” I bit my lip and almost choked on the words of my request.

“Be there soon. I’ll meet you at the exit next to the jewelry store.”

“Oh, alri—“The line was silent before I had a chance to respond. I eased back into the mall, searching every open space for Jude. I was relieved when I saw nothing but the unfamiliar faces of the passing shoppers. I hung my head, only watching the direction that led to the exit I was to meet mom. I huddled under a small area that offered shelter from the rain, watching lovers pass, walking hand in hand. I envied them, knowing just moments before I had what they had. I feared this was it. I had left Jude and he wasn’t going to come running back. If anything, my actions had run him in the very direction I wanted him to avoid; into Kara’s arms. Mom’s light blue car appeared in the far end of the parking lot. I hurried from the dark corner I was hiding in, to wave my arms and flag her down. She parked on the curb, sporting an expression that I had feared as a child.

“Hi, Samantha.” She gritted her teeth and forced a smile.

“I’m sorry, mama. Please forgive me.” I immediately apologized.

“Sam, you don’t know how much I’ve needed you.” The thin lines on her face seemed far more defined, like worry and pain had aged her ten years.

“Never again will I hurt you. I love you.” I leaned across the seat, placing a kiss on her damp cheek. Tears fell from her eyes and her bottom lip quivered, further sinking my heavy heart. “Let’s go home.” I was almost relieved to see the familiar neighborhood when we turned down the street leading to my childhood home. I searched the open field for the oak tree that Adam and I had carved our name into. There it was, standing out amongst the few other trees in the field. It was hard to miss; it was larger than the rest and hung slightly to the right. I assumed it’d taken one too many beatings during a few of our storms.

“It’s still there. I go there occasionally at night and trace my fingertips across your names. Sometimes I have to remind myself that he was real… that he was really here.” Mama spoke with gentleness.

“We’ll walk out there, together.” I matched her gentle tone.

“I’d like that.” She pulled the car into the driveway, pressing the button on a remote that triggered the garage door to rise.

“Thanks for letting me come home” I signed heavily, preparing my heart and mind to re-enter the home I grew up in with Adam. I stepped inside the side door, which placed me in the kitchen. The smell of blueberry muffins and meatloaf filled the air. My eyes danced around the dining area, smiling when I saw the same table in the same position it had been since I could remember. Even the same yellow tablecloth was draped across the old wooden dinette that had been there four Christmases ago. “I’m gonna go see my room, mom” I announced, disappearing down the hall and up the stairs.

“Don’t hide in there for too long, now. I’ve got dinner in the oven and your daddy will be home in an hour.”

“Yes, mother.” I felt like a teenager all over again. The door to my room and Adam’s room was shut. A sign he had made by hand that said, “Keep out” still hung on the door knob. I laughed and recalled many times I’d ignored that rule and barged in anyway. He’d always whine about it, threaten to pull my hair and throw me back out on my ass, though, he never did. I ended up cross legged on the floor, watching him play video games. I chose to relive memories in his room, first. I twisted the knob and walked inside. His bed was made, his lava lamp still occupied the wooden desk he and dad had sanded and stained together and, a small chalk board rested above his bed that he would write things on, usually silly stuff. A few times it had been something like “Get out of my room, Sam. I stared at the lettering on the dusty board. The last words that had been scribbled on it were “Find job, get apartment.” I wasn’t sure at what age he’d jotted that note down, or why he’d chosen to display it on his wall. I smiled, knowing he had done just that the very same summer he turned eighteen. I sat carefully on the edge of his bed, sitting as still as possible. I didn’t want to wrinkle the comforter. Knowing mom, she hadn’t washed it since he left. She was sentimental like that, sights and smells stirred up memories she didn’t want to part with. I was sure she came into this room more than once since his death and even probably before, just missing how things used to be when we were young. I leaned over, opening the blinds to let the night sky seep through the window. I couldn’t believe the day was already over. And, here I was, back at home while Jude was somewhere… somewhere away from me.

“Sam, Sam honey” mama called up the stairs.

“Yes?” I yelled back to her.

“Come on down. There’s someone at the door, for you.” I dragged ass back down the hall, expecting to see a relative or neighbor that had come to visit. I was aggravated and less than eager to have company of any sort. “Go on. There’s a handsome fella parked by the mailbox. He has flowers and is wearing a smile that makes it seem as though the sky has split and heaven has fell to earth.” She giggled and dabbed her soapy, dish water hands on the side of her tight bun. “Tell him I said hello.” She winked and shooed me away.

“Shit” I muttered and staggered to the door. No other person on earth fit that description. No man but, Jude. I flipped the porch light off, hoping to disguise my face and the fountain of tears that were already streaming down my bright red cheeks. There he was, as lovely as she had described. He was leaned against his car, one leg crossed over the other and a bouquet of flowers in his hand. I could feel his eyes on me. My skin tingled just at the thought of him being so close.

“Hey.” His voice so low it was more of a whisper. I stared at the concrete driveway, desperate to hide my face. Even though the sky was black, I couldn’t help but fear the stars would expose my tears.

“Why are you here?”

“I’m here to apologize, of course. I’m sorry I didn’t run you down at the mall. You were so pissed, I was afraid we’d cause a scene. I was giving you time to cool down, and giving myself time to think of a suitable apology. I also want to tell you the story about Kara. By story, I mean, the reason why I held onto our friendship. But, first, I want your forgiveness. I will hit my knees and beg if I have to.” He walked forward, extending the armful of flowers to me. I took ahold of them, bringing them to my nose to inhale their scent.

“They’re pretty. Thank you.”

“I have something else.” He dug through his pockets. “Don’t take this the wrong way…” He announced before revealing the object. He opened the palm of his hand, presenting me a small black box. “I want you to know, whether you intend on taking me back or not… I want you to have this.” He used his other hand to lift the lid from the box. Either the moon or the stars were working in his favor tonight. A perfect light cast upon the small diamond in the box, causing a shimmer that was comparable to the water on a calm lake as the sun takes its place in the sky. I sucked in a deep breath of air, choking on it as I attempted to exhale.

“Whoa,” was the only coherent word I was able to form. He opened his hand, suggesting I place my hand in his. My body reacted before my mind, sending my hand cautiously in the direction of his palm.

“It was my Mothers,” he said as he slipped the ring onto my finger. I was dizzy and confused. “I’m not asking you to marry me, not yet, anyways. I’m just asking you to make a promise, a promise to be mine. A promise that one day, we will walk down that aisle together, hand in hand, to exchange vowels that bind us together for eternity. Say you, will, Sam? Say you’ll take me, flaws and all. No more running when the going gets tough. You know in your heart you’re the only one for me. My eyes are blind to anyone but you.

“Okay, I do… I mean, I will.” I blinked away tears. Jude rubbed his thumb across the ring, pulling my hand up to his lips.

“I do.” He promised, as he kissed my fingertips. “Come home?” He stared at me with pleading eyes.

“Maybe, Jude. I… I don’t know. What’s the story about Kara? I need to know” I urged.

“I will tell you. And then, I’ll will call her up right this instant and tell her to never breathe my name again.”

“Okay.” I agreed. “Let me talk to mom. I’ll be out in ten minutes.”

“Ten minutes, it is. If you don’t come out, I’ll throw rocks at your bedroom window.” He said as he turned to walk away.

“You’re insane. Anyone ever told you that?” I barked and slammed the front door shut. I pressed my back against the coolness of the metal door, taking in deep heavy breaths. I looked down at the diamond that fit perfectly around my finger. I’d never in my life felt like I belonged with someone, as much as I felt like I belonged with Jude.