Indulgence (384 page)

“Is there anyone we can call?” he asked, trying to soothe me
from afar. “Family you can stay with?”

I shook my head. Sure there was, but… I couldn’t.

“I’ll take you back to your place.”

I didn’t want to go back there either, but it was better
than standing in the hospital arguing. And at least then, I hoped I’d get rid
of everyone looking over my shoulder and following me. I stalked past him and
took the stairs down to the first floor, I was too antsy to wait in one place
for the elevator, or to tolerate the elevator ride, but once we got outside, I
had to wait for him to catch up so he could lead me to his car.

The tiny house I rented was only a fifteen-minute drive from
the hospital. By the time we got there, the car made me feel claustrophobic,
and yet, I didn’t want to get out. My hand visibly shook as I reached for the
handle, but I forced myself to keep moving.

“Do you want me to come in with you?”

“Sure.” I didn’t look back at him. I wanted to forget that
anyone could see me.

On the way up, he pulled my elbow and handed me my keys. The
exact set I always carried.

I stared down at them for a moment, rolling them around in
my hand. “How?”

“We found them in James’ room at the retreat. He told me
where to look.”

“He’s okay, right?” I squeezed the keys until they dug
painfully into my flesh. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. Was I even
alright?

Trent nodded. “They’re going to keep a close eye on him for
a while.”

“He’s not going to get in trouble for… for me?”

“No, sweetie. They’re just going to make sure he’s safe and
recovering. He wasn’t exactly trained for what they sent him in to do, and he
was there for a long time before you got there.”

“Well, he’s pretty good at it.” I shook my head, staring
down at the concrete sidewalk. “Don’t know if that’s a compliment or not.”

“Give him a few weeks, Rose.”

A few weeks, that’s exactly how long it took to muddle
through the horrific mess. It seemed like a lifetime. I didn’t want to wait
that long, but I nodded and headed up to the door.

The air in the house was stagnant, and it felt completely
dead inside. At least we had that in common. I glanced around at the pictures,
the throw tossed over the back of the couch, my book on the coffee table. It
was all too much.

Even the thought of freedom—though I longed for it—was too
much. I rubbed my hands over my face, sank to the floor, and cried.

Trent sat next to me, intuitive enough to stay, but keep his
distance.

“Did you find Miles?”

He opened his mouth, and I waited for an answer, but he
closed it again.

The silent reaction was killing me. “I just want to know if
he’s alive.”

“Yes. He was the one with the girls like you asked. Do you
know why?”

“He and Kirk worked together a lot to protect us—them.” I
shook my head, realizing I’d said Kirk again. It was all confusing enough to
try and muddle through the different names. “He saved us. Miles. He kept Ross
from shooting me and Kirk.”

“Is he the one who shot Ross?”

“Please,” my heart pumped extra hard. “They’ll probably kill
him if they find out.”

“They won’t find out.”

I numbly answered the rest of his questions, explaining the
essentials of what had happened. At least, everything I figured he had any
business knowing. I tried my best to skip over the sex, torture, and
punishments where I was concerned.

My throat dried out, and I finally pushed myself off the
floor. “Want some water?”

“Please.”

It was probably a good thing I never cooked, at least my
kitchen wasn’t a rotting mess, but I intended on putting off opening the
refrigerator for as long as possible. I pulled two glasses out of the cabinet,
and for a second I was amazed that they weren’t covered in dust and cob webs,
but the lifetime I had been gone was only a few weeks to the outside world.

“Do you have a house phone?” Trent asked, taking a sip of
the tap water I handed him.

“No, just my cell and I have a feeling it’s gone.”

“I’ll get you a temporary one, you can use it to call me if
you need anything, and for anything else you might need.”

Calling people. “Have you heard from my family?”

“Yes, they drove up here a few times. Your sister….” His
voice trailed off.

All I wanted was for everything to be okay, to go back
before our stupid argument, and be there for her. “Is the baby okay?”

“She is, they’re both okay. The baby is about three weeks
old now. The hospital kept her for a week because she was a bit early, but
she’s doing fine, last I heard.”

I tried to speak, but my mouth felt like it had sealed shut.
I dropped against the counter. The world went on while I was gone. “You know her
name?”

“Laney Rose,” he reached out and touched my shoulder, my
mind pulled away at the outside touch; I was too drained to fight it. “They’ll
be happy to have you back.”

I bit the inside of my cheek until I tasted blood. Now that
I was ready to put the drama behind me, I wasn’t ready for human interaction
for a dozen other reasons.

Demons

For four weeks, I barely left the house. I answered calls
just to make sure that no one came to visit, even though my family had showed
up anyway—more than once. I didn’t have anything to say or anything to give
that would make things less awkward. The only person I didn’t want space
from—the only one who understood what I was dealing with had practically
dropped off the face of the planet. And then there was Trent, who called to
check in at least once a week, and to assure me that James was doing better.

Good for him
, I always thought. I wouldn’t be
impressed until he was man enough to tell me that himself.

Two days a week, I had to go to see my counselor, who
basically spent the entire hour telling me that I had to learn to live my life
again, and that it would be easier to do that without James. It was all so
fucking exhausting.

I closed the front door and latched the deadbolt, dropping
my keys onto a hook. Something rattled in the kitchen and I jumped, pressing my
back against the door.

“Trapper,” I called, hoping it was just the damn cat. Every
time I looked at that cat, I thought of Kirk. I hadn’t bought her, she just
wondered in off the street, and of course, I couldn’t help but give her food.
So, she decided to call it home.

I took another step and saw her dozing on the couch.

It’s just your imagination.

Movement caught my eye, a shadow on the kitchen floor.

Oh, god, not again
.

I reached for the door as a familiar blonde figure rounded
the corner.

“Alley?” I breathed. Relief washed through me, then panic.
What the hell was she doing in my house?

“I saw Miles with your license before he gave it to Kirk,”
she said. “And, I decided to look you up. Find out what happened to you.”

“Alley, I—”

“Shut up,” she shouted, pulling a gun from behind her back
and aiming it at me. “You did this.”

“No—” I whispered, putting my hands up as if that would help
anything.

“Miles—he was the only one who really ever cared about me,
ever since I lost my family. He took care of me; I had a safe place. Now he’s
gone and I have nothing. It’s all because of you.” She took a step closer
waving the gun. “You stupid fucking whore, why couldn’t you and Kirk leave us
alone? I thought he cared about us.”

“I swear he did. He did what he had to do to make sure that
no one else ended up like me.”

“The two of you just decided to come in and play us all for
fools. Is he dead?”

“Alley, I—”
Dead
? Is that what everyone thought?

“Shut the hell up.” She waved the gun, accentuating every
word as she moved closer to me.

I backed against the wall, as Trapper jumped from the couch
and ran up the stairs.

“I loved him,” Alley continued. “You really don’t
understand. I looked you up. You had a good life. Why the hell did you go in
there and ruin everything? It was none of your damn business.”

“It wasn’t my choice. I didn’t lie, Alley. I was taken
there, against my will. I wasn’t feeding anyone information. I had nothing to
do with the raid.”

“I don’t believe you.” Her eyelids were droopy, and her eyes
glazed over like she hadn’t slept in a week. “Where is Kirk?”

“I don’t know,” I realized my mistake. If she was supposed
to think he was dead, I just gave him away. “I didn’t want anything to happen.
You were my friend, Alley.”

My ears rang from the shot and I landed on the floor. At
first, I couldn’t see through the shock to understand what happened. Then, I
felt the hot liquid pouring from my shoulder.

“Alley, please
,
” I begged again.

“I’d do anything for Miles, anything to get him back.”

“I know.” I put my hand over the wound. “I know.”

I waited for the final shot, but Alley ran out of the house.
I crawled to the door, fumbling through my purse to find the cell phone Trent
had given me.

My fingers refused to cooperate as I tried to dial 911. My
body shook, and I felt frigid in comparison to the hot liquid streaming out of
me.

Finally, the call connected and I heard a woman’s voice—a
brief wisp of hope.

“I was shot.”

“Can you give me your location?”

I couldn’t answer, so the operator asked again. “Ma’am, can
you give me your location?”

Work, mouth
. The phone clattered to the floor.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, a mix of blood loss
and pure shock that numbed the pain and ushered me to oblivion.

This is it. After all of that. This is how I die
.

I felt hands on my body. Hot hands, so hot against my cold
skin.

Too many hands.

My nightmare coming to life all over again. I squirmed,
trying to get away, but my body was too weak.

They’ve come to get me.

“Miss,” a bright light was shown in my eyes. “Can you hear
me?”

I jerked away.

“We’re EMTs, Miss. You’re going to feel a prick in your arm.
Do you hear me?”

I forced my eyes open. Three men stood around me, and two
cops stood at the open door to my house.

I nodded and my eyes fell closed again. I pushed away the
hands that pulled at my clothes, poking me and compressing my painful shoulder.

They forced my hands to my sides, and I screamed.

“How is she still conscious?” One asked.

A hand touched my forehead and I forced my eyes open with a
jerk.

“It’s okay, Rose,” Trent whispered. “Can you tell me who
shot you?”

“She shouldn’t be trying to talk right now.”

I ignored the paramedic’s voice and focused on the blond cop
kneeling next to my head. “A—A—Alley.”

“Did she say anything?”

“Davis,” the same paramedic yelled. He seemed to miss the
fact that—struggling to speak or not—if I was trying to answer questions, I
wasn’t fighting them off.

“Do your damn job, Lucas,” Trent snapped.

“She’s about as stable as we can do. We need to get her
loaded up.”

They rolled me onto the backboard then lifted me to the
stretcher.

My eyelids were too heavy to fight any longer. “Trent,” I
called, managing only a whisper.

“I’ll be right behind the ambulance.”

*****

I opened my eyes and saw a stubbly James standing over my
bed.

“Am I high?” I whispered, sure he was just the creation of
pain killers.

“Probably.”

“Good. Getting shot sucks.”

He made a sound in his throat and leaned against the
railing. “I know.”

“Are you real?”

His fingers slid into mine and he squeezed my hand. “Do I
feel real?”

“As soon as my arm is healed I’m going to punch you, then
decide.”

Every time I opened my eyes, the room seemed slightly
different. James was in a different position. I couldn’t tell if I was losing
time, or losing my mind.

“Where have you been?” I asked.

“Around. I wanted to—” he stopped, “My psychologist and my
supervisor warned me to stay away from you. They said you’d heal better if I
kept my distance. I wanted to see you, but I wanted them to be right. I wanted…
I wanted you to be able to go back to normal.”

“There is no normal.” I closed my eyes and opened them
again. James was stretched out on a small couch next to me. “Am I really
fucked, or do I keep falling asleep?”

“Sleep,” he said, standing to move closer, “we both know how
you fare in your battles against pain meds.”

“Hold my hand.” I’d momentarily forgotten about being mad at
him. I needed contact. An anchor. I felt like I was losing my mind.

His fingers grazed my chin and I pressed toward them. “It’s
okay, S—Rose.”

His almost calling me Silver was enough to bring me out of
the stupor a little more. I forced my eyes open.

“You should have talked to me. Given me a choice. Said
goodbye. Something. I deserved something.”

His head dropped, and he leaned over the railing of the bed.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t even trust myself to make the right decision.”

“But you still decided to make a decision without me. I
didn’t expect to come back and have everything be fine, but suddenly, I was
just on my own.”

He lowered his eyes. His thumb dancing over my knuckles. I
could see that he felt just as lost as I was, but I still felt abandoned by the
one person I’d trusted to take care of me.

The pain in my arm intensified, radiating down into my chest
and gut. I wasn’t sure what was from the wound, and what was an overblown
emotional reaction. “There are things that I’m even afraid to tell my
counselor, but she goes on about how finding myself again is important.”