Indulgence (379 page)

“How about we do this in the morning when you can enjoy it?”

I forced a smile, and nodded.

He pulled the blankets around us and drew me into his side.

“I forgive you,” I breathed.

Remnants of Me

I woke in the middle of the night coughing so hard, I was
sure part of my lung was going to break off. Kirk rubbed my back, as I braced
myself on hand and knees through the assault.

I leaned over the side of the bed and spit into the
trashcan—phlegm mixed with liquids I never wanted to think about again.

“Is it possible to drown on cum?” I croaked.

“I don’t think you’re currently in danger of that.”

“Ross did it on purpose, knowing I’d have to inhale as soon
as he got off,” I grumbled as I gasped for air, feeling almost as bad as the
time I was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia in sixth grade. Kirk sat up
next to me, supporting me with one arm and caressing my back with the other.

“I think I’m dying.” As I calmed, it became easier to at
least draw in a slow, shallow breath.

“You’re not dying. Your lungs are just irritated, producing
extra mucus.” He kissed between my shoulder blades and lifted me to face him.
“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t start,” I mumbled burying my face into his neck so I
didn’t have to see his pained expression. “I said I’d stay; I knew it could get
bad.”

“Why are you so determined?”

“Because….” I didn’t want to talk about my reasons. “I’m
already in. Gabe….” It was hard enough saying his name. “He brought me into
this. He dragged me down as low as I could get. I want something to come out of
this that’s bigger than my freedom.”

Kirk grimaced, pulling back to run his thumb across my chin.
“You feel obligated because you shot an asshole that kidnaped and raped you?”

“He would have done it again. There are others who will.” I
wrapped my hand around his forearm, my fingertips resting just above the snake
tattoo that had infiltrated my dreams and fantasies in so many ways. I hoped
that after this was over, I could shed the pain of this life away. “I want this
Kirk. I deserve it, and I sure as hell didn’t go through everything tonight for
you to change your mind.”

“I don’t want to have to watch anything like that again.” He
pulled me into his lap. His hot palms spread against my back, keeping me tight
against him. “You reminded me of who I really am and what I came here to stop.
But you make it very hard to maintain my façade.”

Before I could respond, his lips covered mine. He nipped at
my lip, but given what I’d just been coughing up, I kept my mouth closed.

I pulled away a fraction, and he grimaced.

“You really don’t mind kissing me right now? I’m coughing up
other men’s cum for Chrissake.”

He nipped at my collarbone. “Never say that again.”

I chuckled and it sent me into another fit of coughing. I hated
crawling out of his lap to spit in the trash can again, but my chest finally
felt like it was beginning to clear. I emptied my glass of water and sat back
against Kirk.

“Anything I can do to make you more comfortable?”

“Can you make it easier to breathe?”

“Lean forward, and put your arms under your head to spread
out your shoulder blades.” He maneuvered me until I was exactly how he wanted
me, then he pulled the blanket over my back and began pounding over my lungs.

I closed my eyes, transfixed by the steady rhythm as it
broke up the congestion in my chest. I coughed several more times, and spit
into the trash can again, before finally being able to take a deep breath.

“You’re good,” I said, rolling onto my back.

“Of course I am.” He lay down at my side, rubbing his hand
in delicate motions across my stomach. Even in the dark, I couldn’t escape his
drooping eyes and wrinkled forehead.

“Stop looking at me like you just killed my favorite pet.” I
laced my fingers through his and drew his arm around me. “We are where we are,
and I believe a few days ago, it was you trying to convince me of that.”

“That was when I thought I could keep you from getting
hurt.” His voice was low, and I could almost feel the sting of pain that hid
behind his words.

“So, what exactly was your long-term plan? Claim me and keep
me hidden from everyone else until the person you’ve been waiting for shows
up?”

“Pretty much. He’ll be here next week, and I suspect that’s
why Ross pushed the initiation.”

“I get the feeling that tonight was supposed to be a
punishment for you, too.”

“Perceptive,” he dawdled.

“I’m getting this whole criminal thought process down.”

Kirk grunted a laugh then rolled onto his back, pulling me
with him so that my head rested on his shoulder.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“I haven’t done anything worthy—”

“Quiet.”

“You keep this up and no one is going to buy your act.”

“Why? I’m petrified around the rest of them—enough to keep
my head on. I managed to lie through my teeth while high on pain meds, I think
I can keep it together.” I laid my head on his shoulder. He pulled me closer,
his arms wrapped around me.

I took a deep breath, but I still couldn’t manage to escape
the burning in my soul that clogged my thoughts. I wanted to laugh it off,
pretend it was something I could lock away, and forget it had never happened.

“I can feel you thinking,” Kirk whispered.

“I’ll add mind reading to your list of capabilities.”

He hooked his hand behind my knee and pulled me on top of
him. His hot chest pressed against mine, and I stared down into his blue-grey
eyes.

I wanted to melt into those eyes and hide there until it was
all over.

“Do you still want that distraction?”

“Do you still want to give it to me?” My lips twitched. “I
feel like I’m the one taking advantage of you now.”

“Even if you were, I’m not complaining.” He rolled me to my
back and pressed his hand to me.

I had to give it to him. No one had ever made me appreciate
how good sex could feel before him.

I was supposed to hate it.

I was supposed to hate him.

“What on earth are you thinking about now?”

“I’m not telling you.”

He paused, I watched him swallow. I wanted him to move. It
was distraction time, and for some reason he was just waiting for something.

“What do you want?” I asked.

“Tell me something about you.”

I pushed my lips together and shook my head. He knew all he
needed to know—more than he needed to know. “My name is Silver, I woke up here,
you know my story.”

He closed his eyes. And kissed my sternum. Moving slowly
down my body.

“What do you want to know?” I breathed as the arousal
twisted with guilt in my gut.

“Nothing.”

I slid my fingers through his hair and pulled him against
me.

“When I was a kid, my sister and I used dowel rods to ‘sword
fight’ and she nearly broke my hand.”

He smiled and kissed my wrist. Every touch of his lips sent
a flash of fire through me, touching more than my skin.

“You don’t owe me anything,” he said. As if he understood my
deepest concerns.

“Whether I do or not….” I trailed off and regretted opening
my mouth in the first place. Not only could I not put my feelings into words,
Kirk paused again as he waited for me to finish what I’d begun.

There was some little part of me that wanted something real
with him. Something not based on facades and lies.

A dangerous desire.

Kirk sealed his lips against mine, drawing me out and into
his world. The place where it didn’t matter that our past was based on
misinformation and lies, or that our future was doomed—one way or another.

He moved down my body, latching his mouth onto my breast.
Teasing and sucking until I moaned in response. Then he kissed even lower down
my stomach, over my bellybutton. His thumb brushed against the back of my knee,
as he kissed and gently nipped the inside of my thigh.

His hot mouth settled over my clit—drawing it out with a
suckle before pressing his tongue against it. His stubble scratched at my
sensitive folds—especially in the places where I had yet to heal completely,
but pleasure from his tongue and mouth far outweighed the discomfort, and soon
the prickling pain was joined by the pleasure.

He hooked my thighs over his shoulders, his hands gripping
the sides of my hips as he buried his face in my flesh.

I moaned, writhing against him as he pushed me closer to
orgasm with just his tongue and mouth.

It was almost the simplicity of it that made it even more
amazing. His attentiveness to every spot of my body that remained sore and
bruised from the attack.

I hadn’t been sure that I could take his cock inside of me,
even though I wanted it, but he seemed to have come up with a solution without
me having even expressed my doubts.

His hand stretched up, rubbing my breast gently. Tweaking
the nipple between two fingers.

I bucked and then arched my back. His tongue flickered
inside of me, licking up my juices as my insides twisted.

I reached above me, clutching at the headboard as the orgasm
built.

Everything down to his hot breath on my skin took my control
away.

My hips rocked and he sucked harder, lips and tongue playing
with and exploring every fold.

My toes curled.

My back arched.

And I moaned as my muscles broke free and claimed the
orgasmic release.

I bucked, but Kirk kept licking and sucking, drawing out
every jerk, quiver, and twitch until I had been drained.

My body simultaneously felt weightless and as heavy as
cement—weighted down until it sunk into the bed.

I smelled myself on his lips as they pressed against my own.
I tasted it as my tongue flicked out to draw him in.

“And to think I was once a skeptic when people said sex
could be that good.”

“At least I don’t have to ask if you enjoyed it.”

“Hell yes.”

I had no business holding on to him. Holding onto the
pleasure—even the pain.

I took a deep breath and curled against his side as he
returned to his place beside me. If the two of us had crossed paths anywhere
else, I doubted we would have ever given each other a second look. We were both
victims of the circumstances.

We could survive together, and feed off of each other’s
strength. But I wondered how much more was possible for us.

If I’d ever see him again when—if—we escaped this torment.

Would we even want to see each other again? Would we want to
relive the pain, the things we’d seen and experienced?

Kirk traced my skin in light circles until I shivered.

“You’re not supposed to be thinking now.”

I sighed. “You make me come apart in ways I don’t think I’ll
ever understand.”

“And yet you’re still trying? You baffle me sometimes.”

I sat up and glared down at him. My chest still felt stiff,
and I had a feeling it wouldn’t feel better in the morning. Probably much
worse, so anything we were about to get out of our system had to be now.

“I’m sorry I can’t just shut my brain off at will.”

To my surprise, he smiled, rose up, and kissed me. “You
baffle me because… here you are. Everything that’s happened and against all
odds, you’re far from broken.”

“That’s what you were afraid would happen to me in the
beginning. Even Ross said it.”

I leaned into his hand as he touched the side of my face,
and moved his hand down my neck to squeeze my shoulder.

“I thought that if I could protect you from them, you might
be okay. I didn’t know when or if I could get you out of here without bringing
down the wrath of the entire operation. You fought me every step of the way
until I had to punish you for running.”

I stiffened; that was the last thing I wanted to remember.
Somehow, the thought of Kirk bringing down the whip on my back overwhelmed my
brain even quicker than remembering what the others had done.

Because I knew how hard it was for both of us. Because he
was the one that, even then, I trusted to keep me safe. Much safer than the
alternative.

“What changed?” he asked.

“I told you. Sex is better than pain.”

“It is, but that isn’t it.”

I scowled back. Who was he to tell me what or wasn’t my
reasoning behind my change in attitude?

“You changed,” I whispered. “Maybe not so obviously, but I
saw you differently. Especially after you brought me back up here and took care
of me.”

“I still forced you to do things against your will.”

I clenched my jaw, not wanting to tug on the flimsy thread
that held us together. “We’re going to do this tonight?”

“Silver, I,” he squinted at me, “I’m not the noble hero. I
may have wanted to keep you safe, but there were a lot of other things I wanted
to do to you, too. You don’t live in this world as long as I have without
having the disparity rub off on you.”

“Maybe not, but you didn’t do them.”

“I fucked you in the Outlook in front of everyone, and I got
off on it. Even though I knew—”

“Stop,” I whispered. I wanted it to sound angry, more
forceful.

Less pathetic.

I took a breath and found my voice again. “I got off on it,
too, if you don’t remember. And you can say that you forced me. In a billion
ways you did, but Ross tried that, too. I didn’t get anywhere near an orgasm
with him. It was you, you and your damn gentle touch. You’re never what I
expect and that’s what always wrecks me.”

“I manipulated you.” His voice rose and I felt his muscles
harden. “I did it on purpose.”

“I know,” I rubbed my hand down his chest trying to calm
him, but he grabbed my wrist and held it there. “But you kept your promise.”

“My promise to keep you safe? Really, I think I fucked that
up quite well.”