Indulgence (385 page)

“Sounds familiar,” he whispered. “I know you wish that I had
given you a choice, and maybe I should have, but what if we both chose the
thing that made us most comfortable for the short-term and it didn’t work out?
Things that work fine in a pressure cooker don’t always work well when they
have infinite space. I agreed to give it four weeks, but the closer that date
came, the more I wondered just what I was supposed to do. Show up on your
doorstep and ask how you’ve been for the last four weeks—”

“At least then I wouldn’t have a bullet hole preventing me from
smacking you.”

He smirked and traced his fingers up my arm.

Another man in a police uniform stepped in and cleared his
throat. “We’re assigning a protective detail. We’ll make sure no unauthorized
people enter. Do you have family coming to see you?”

I shook my head.

“Anyone at all?”

“I don’t suppose the hospital allows cats?”

The officer squinted at me then glanced to James.

“That would be a no,” I clarified.

After the office stepped out, I looked up to catch James’
gaze.

“Don’t even,” I whispered, “She adopted me. Came in when I
opened the door, sat down in my damn living room, and refused to move.”

He chuckled and I could almost feel the sound run through my
body, like a hot soothing bath, relaxing every muscle.

It was probably mostly the pain meds, though. I wondered if
eventually I’d be able to see sound waves. And then I realized I was totally
fucked out of my mind.

I watched Kirk for a while longer. He sat on the edge of the
bed, silently holding my hand, and sometimes rubbing the backs of my fingers
and up my arm.

I drifted out and woke up in a panic, gasping for breath
after a nightmare I couldn’t remember, but the confusion was quickly drowned
out the shooting pain in my arm that followed. Two sets of hands tried to push
me back to bed and I screamed.

Suddenly, the room was alive as two nurses rushed in to join
the fray.

I’m fine.

Get away.

My brain was shooting off messages so fast, it didn’t seem
like they were making it to the rest of my body.

I felt sluggish and tired.

“Stop touching me,” I finally yelled, and everyone backed
off long enough for my brain and body to fall back into sync. “It was a dream.
I think. I’m fine.”

“You’re bleeding,” Trent said.

One of the nurses pushed him out of the way. “You probably
pulled a stitch with all of that—”

James grunted and the nurse’s mouth snapped shut.

“You come in handy,” I muttered.

“I need to have a look under the bandage,” the nurse said.

Trent stepped back and the nurse leaned over my bed,
glancing up at James as if making sure he wouldn’t attack as soon as she pulled
down my gown. “You were lucky,” she said. I was tired of being in fucked up
situations and having people tell me that, but I closed my eyes and let her
continue. “The bullet went straight through. There was a lot of bleeding, but
they just had to clean the wound and stitch you up. You’ll have to give it
plenty of time to heal. Without any complications, you could go home tomorrow.”

I had the feeling she wanted rid of me, and I wondered what
the hell I had done to piss her off. I squeezed James’ hand, closing my eyes as
the bandage was peeled away from my skin.

“I think you got lucky,” she said, tossing the bandage away
and laying out the materials to apply a new one. “It doesn’t look like you
ripped anything too badly, but you’ll need to stay still. I’ll get you some
more pain medicine.”

“Can I get something else?”

“It’s the strongest thing the doctor approved.”

“Then, I’ll take the third or fourth strongest. I don’t like
feeling so foggy when I’m awake.” It was too much like being back there.
Reliving what Gabe had put me through.

“I’ll see what the doctor says.” She taped my shoulder back
up, then pressed a button on the IV machine and walked out.

“What’s with her getting all flippy because I want something
weaker?”

“She seems flippy in general,” Trent said. He eyed me for a
moment then looked at James. “We’re keeping a couple of people on you until we
catch her—”

“I heard, but if she wanted me dead I would be.” I turned to
James. “She asked about you. Seemed to think you were dead, but I—”

“It’s okay,” he whispered.

“They watching you, too?”

“Currently, by default.”

He smiled, but I failed to see any humor in it.

“Alley didn’t deserve to be put back out on the streets. Why
didn’t someone make sure she—”

“She refused everything,” Trent explained, “Didn’t want
‘blood money’. The detectives even found her family, but she wouldn’t have
anything to do with them.”

I grimaced, the pain was fading, but the confusion settled
in again. That damn nurse had pushed through another round of morphine. I blinked,
trying to hang on to whatever conversation we were having. “She said her family
was gone.”

Trent must’ve noticed my condition because he turned and
checked the IV machine she’d messed with. “I think it was more like she was
afraid to face them after everything.”

That sounded too familiar. Not that I hadn’t been trying to
avoid my family before the abduction, but I had become particularly expert at
it since coming back.

“I’m going to grab a doctor,” Trent said.

“Silver….” James began as soon as Trent was gone.

“You’re going to have to break that habit. Kirk and Silver
are gone—”

“They have been for a long time, Sugar.”

Hearing that word roll from his lips tickled my nerve
endings, a mix of pleasure and pain. Just like every moment with him. My eyes
burned and I squeezed them shut. “You—you’re the one that requested this stupid
protective detail, aren’t you? Does that mean you’re planning on leaving me
alone?”

“She found you and came into your house to attack you, but
it was Trent who ordered it.”

“You avoided the second question.” The swell of emotions cut
off my air. “Maybe the doctors were right. You’re the only person I feel
connected to. I held on to that for the last four weeks. I couldn’t move on,
but even with you here. I—” I wanted to erase my life as Silver. That’s why I
had tried so hard to keep the two identities separate, but now, there was no
way to reconcile that with my feelings for James. “I don’t think I can do this
either.”

James stood over me in silence. I couldn’t look at him, I’d
end up looking in his eyes and that was something I simply couldn’t handle.

“This time I get to make the call. James and Rose don’t even
know each other.”

I struggled to inhale as he nodded and stepped back just as
Trent came back in the room.

“Make sure she’s safe,” James said as he passed.

I dropped my head to the pillow and waited for pain medicine
to grant me oblivion.

*****

After a fitful night of sleep, I stared out the open window
of my hospital room.

“Do you need a ride?” Trent asked, disturbing my peace. He
dropped a pair of scrubs on the end of the bed. “Doctor said he’d send in your
release papers soon.”

“Glad they tell you all of my business.” I wondered how many
pairs of scrubs I’d end up owing the hospital by the end of all of this. Better
yet, I wanted to know if there was an end.

Trent rubbed his hand through his hair. He wasn’t leaving
whether I said yes or no.

I took a deep breath and rolled to face him.

“You saved his life,” he said, “and he’s going to kill me
for saying anything to you.”

“I just returned the favor.” I didn’t want to think about
Kirk lying on the floor bleeding in the Outlook, or the splatter of blood that
coated the wall when I shot Gabe. Whatever I’d done to save him was paid off,
since I was also alive.

“I don’t mean when he was shot, or….” His voice trailed off
and I assumed he knew all of the details. “I mean. He was losing it in there.
You—gave him something to fight for again.”

“What are you trying to do?” My chest burned. This was
exactly what I didn’t need.

“I know you’re not ready, and I know that everyone keeps
telling you both to move on separately, but you found something in each other
that gave you the ability to fight through things that would have broken most
people. And, seeing you both without that….” He shook his head. “I don’t think
they were right in keeping you two apart. If you’re mad at James because—“

“It just hurts.” I licked my lips, trying to put the pain
into words. “I’m not Silver anymore and he’s not Kirk. If not for any of that
we wouldn’t have met and… how do I let go while hanging on?”

Trent shook his head. “I don’t know, but I think you two
make each other stronger.”

I looked out the window again. I was tired of being an
emotional wreck.

“I’ll step out so you can get dressed. Want me to send in a
nurse to help?”

After yesterday, I wanted nothing to do with the nurses, so
I shook my head. I could figure out how to dress myself. Luckily, they somehow
seemed to find a top that buttoned up, so I slid it over my injured arm first
and then fiddled with the buttons until I was covered. That just left me to
pull the pants on without twisting my right arm, or extending it.

It was going to be a miracle if I didn’t starve to death by
the time my arm healed. I wasn’t even sure I could take a shower, and I really
didn’t want to know how I was going to manage to change into most of my shirts
since I didn’t have a single button up shirt.

Learning To Heal

I was thankful that Trent had a cleaning crew come in, but
there was still a partial blood stain down the wall when I got home. At least
painting would give me something productive to do. I curled up on the couch,
and Trapper decided to take up residence on my feet as I dozed through the
afternoon and early evening.

I finally roused myself enough to think about ordering food,
but I didn’t have the energy to get off the couch and make the call. As I laid
there debating, the doorbell rang.

“Trapper, when will you learn to answer the door?” I said.
She jumped off my feet and bounded into the kitchen.
Freeloader
.

I wasn’t surprised to peek through the window and see Trent,
but his usually stern demeanor was hunched, and his face was somber. I jerked
open the door, hoping that it didn’t have something to do with James.

“Can I come in?”

I couldn’t swallow. “James?”

“He’s fine, I just talked to him.” He waved his hand,
silently asking for permission to enter.

I stepped back, my feet moving like iron posts trapped
against a magnetic floor. Barely able to hold myself up, I leaned against the
door as I closed it.

“Maybe we should sit down and talk,” he said, running a hand
through his hair. He stepped toward the living room, but I didn’t follow.

My thoughts still swirled around James. If he’s fine, what
else could have possibly happened that could warrant this reaction? Was the
rest of Milo’s group coming for us? Had Alley told them where to find us? Every
time Trent paused—even if only for a few seconds—it gave my mind long enough to
speed through a dozen scenarios I didn’t want to consider. “Just say it.”

Trent lowered his head but kept eye contact. “We found
Alley.”

My heart jumped. “Can I see her?” She’d just shot me, but
there was something off about her. I wanted to help her. I needed to know she
was okay.

He pressed his lips together and shook his head.

“What happened?” I grabbed for the doorknob as everything
spun.

Capturing my arm, Trent steadied me and helped me to the
living room where I could sit down.

“She overdosed on heroin. They couldn’t—”

“Don’t,” I yelled. I felt like it was partially my fault. I
should have checked on her, made sure everything was okay, but I was wrapped up
in my own damn misery.

“Rose,” he knelt in front of me, but I pushed him away and
climbed over him.

I covered my mouth with my hand, pacing back and forth in
the middle of the living room.

“She refused anyone’s help, Rose. We tried. You can’t blame
yourself; you don’t know that she would have reacted any differently to you
three weeks ago.”

“You don’t know that.” I wanted to rip out my hair. Fall to
the floor. Scream and cry. It was like getting shot all over again. My body
shut down and refused to do anything to help deflect the emotions coursing
through me. “Please leave.”

“You shouldn’t be alone right now.” Trent reached for me and
I backed away again.

“I want to be alone right now,” I yelled, “and I’m fucking
tired of people still telling me what to do. I’m not a slave; I can take care
of myself.”

I pushed him to the front door, but before I could open it,
he dug in his heels.

“I’ll leave you alone,” he said, and then he pulled out a
piece of paper. “It’s James’ number. If you change your mind, I want you to
have it, and if not, he won’t know that I gave it to you.”

I took it and threw it on the table next to the stairs. He
nodded and walked out without another argument. I watched through the window as
he went back to his car, but it didn’t move. The rat bastard was going to sit
out there until he was satisfied. I turned my back and slid down the wall,
sitting there and staring into space until Trapper ran up and pawed at my arm.

After pouring the cat a bowl of tuna, I sat down with my
phone, dialing a number I knew by heart, but hadn’t used in months.

“What the hell, Twig?” Chey said as soon as she answered the
phone.

“Don’t call me that. I hated it when we were kids, I hate it
now.” My parents had started the trend; it had nothing to do with my size. It
all started when I was four and decided to try and cut my own hair. I don’t
know what they were thinking, but the damn name stuck, and since Chey was only
two years older than me, it ended up getting around to most of my friends and
half the school.