In the Shadows (The Blaisdell Chronicles) (13 page)

“I’ve known about my past for a long time,” Nathan whispered. “The dreams nowadays are different.” My heart began to thicken. I knew what he was referring to. I wanted to comfort him, wipe away his painful memory, but before I could speak, his hand covered the back of mine. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”

My brow furrowed, as I sought his meaning.

“When I’d remembered everything, I had to seek you out to make amends. But when I saw you again...” He blew out a long breath, eyes narrowing, as if deeply thinking through his words. “I was mixed inside. Part of me was angry, especially when I saw Alex with you. But the other part was just desperate to be near you again. To touch you and hold you, to see if you were just how I remembered.”

His body tensed, and my free hand went towards his cheek. He pressed a kiss into my palm. Suddenly, Nathan’s mouth hovered over mine again.

“I’m dangerous,” he warned. “I don’t want to
hurt you. If I did—”

My finger over his mouth stopped him. “I trust you.”

“You shouldn’t.”

I pressed his hands on my hips, and touched my lips to his. “I’ve missed you so much. I can’t wait anymore.”

As his lips pressed over mine, he whispered, “Forgive me.”

I tried to coax him further, my tongue flicking over his lower lip. Nathan’s kiss grew a little fiercer, and a low guttural noise came from his throat.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled him nearer. He kissed behind my ear, and gently down my neck, over the scarf. My hands travelled down his shirt, searching for his buttons. But no sooner had I undone the first three, he stilled, pulling back, not quite able to meet my gaze.

“Nathan?”

“I’m…sorry. I can’t do that just yet. Can you give me some time?”

“I don’t understand—”

“Please, Lucy. Don’t push.”

Over dinner, we talked about nothing in particular, avoiding everything to do with the kiss. When he walked me home and said goodnight, the kiss on my cheek was hurried. I wanted to find out what was going on, but somehow I felt that if I pushed him, I’d spoil things. I didn’t want to lose him, not now when I was coming so close to getting what my heart desired.

The heat from the hot summer’s day lasts well into the night. Even wearing my thinnest cotton nightdress, fanning my hand over my face doesn’t help. When it proves too much, I rise. My heart pounds loudly against my pacing of the room, hands flexing at my sides; resisting the urge to run out into the dead of night. Where is he? With an impatient sigh, I slip out the balcony door for a moment, holding out my candle, inwardly cursing when I see no sign of movement down below.

With my body feeling cooler, I go back inside and sit on the edge of my bed, placing the candle on my dresser. The fire in the hearth has disappeared, albeit from a few embers flickering in the grate. I tense my body, trying to focus on something other than this unsettling niggle in my heart that something might be wrong.

Jonathan’s note he managed to slip me this morning after his sparring has had my mind throbbing all day, wondering his meaning.

I will come to your chambers after midnight. Keep the lights doused, so as not to arouse suspicion.

Until then,

J

My marriage to the Earl of Sulis is less than two days away. Is this the night Jonathan means to finally take me from my impending doom? Has he arranged a carriage? No, a horse would be quicker.
I would wrap my arms around his waist, and off we’d ride together. Perhaps he may confess his undying love? Yes, and after a passionate kiss, we can finally consummate our relationship. I try to maintain optimism, but somehow, I cannot smile.

Unable to take anymore, I walk back out the balcony doors, where something moving below gains my interest. The grey clouds obscure the moonlight, offering no hint to the cause. I peer over the edge and almost scream when a hand covers my mouth. Wide eyed, heart fluttering, I close my eyes with relief, his familiar voice whispering comfort.

“Fear not, my lady. It is I, Jonathan.”

His shadowy figure emerges from behind the railing, swinging his body over to stand before me.

When he makes no move, I lean forward and kiss him most ardently, tugging his shirt collar. Walking him backwards into my chambers, we collapse onto my bed, and he comes atop, his hands on the bed at my sides. The desperate need to be with him is overwhelming. My fingers slide under his cravat, but I have difficulty removing it. With a groan, he removes it with one hand, and we resume kissing. My skin prickles with excitement and desire, as his hands slip under my gown, caressing my thigh, and up to my waist. Gently, his lips press down my throat.

“Yes,” I moan breathlessly. “Make me yours, Jonathan.”

He suddenly stops, and the temperature on my body becomes lukewarm. Pulling back from me on his knees, he regards me for a few moments, his expression camouflaged in the dark.

“What’s wrong?” I finally ask, bracing myself for the worse.

“I have a question for you and would appreciate an honest answer.”

My lips press together. “What do you want to know?”

He returns to the balcony, hands clamped to the railing, facing ahead, considering his words. The moon emerges from behind the grey clouds, making a glimmering path streak over his features, etching confusion.

“Why do you want
someone like me?”

I bite my lip. Am I to be the first to confess what’s in my heart? Swallowing my nerves, I move off the bed and stop at his side. I reach for his chin, and this time he lets me turn him towards me.

“You put your life on the line to save mine. You treat me like a young woman and nobody else has done that. It’s as if you see me for who I am, and not a trophy to be shown off.” A warm feeling travels down my body when I hear myself say these words aloud. “I want to be with you. Forever.”

These aren’t the words of love, yet somehow, I believe he understands. My hands shift over his heart, where it beats quicker. Sighing, he shakes his head.

“Nobody has ever been so kind. I don’t deserve you.” His voice is desolate, his face in despair.

At that moment, I wonder if he is referring to Lady
Stark. Remembering her threat, I have the sudden urge to find her again and not act like a lady. Seeing Jonathan’s dismay, I touch his face in kindness, trying to place his hands back on my waist, but he steps away.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“I want to,” I say in a soothing tone. “I’m ready.”

“Sulis will know.”

My fears begin to crowd me. “Jonathan?”

“Everything was a mistake.”

I struggle to compose the words properly. “A...mistake?”

“I’m sorry,” he says, flatly.

I can hardly believe what he’s telling me. Am I dreaming? Perhaps, I’ll wake any moment, and realise this isn’t happening. I pinch my arm several times, my body trembling when I realise the disturbing truth.

“Is this about Lady
Stark?”

He looks up, puzzled. “How do you know of Lady
Stark?”

“She visited me. And I saw you with her.”

He dips his head, shaking it. “Damn that woman.”

“I heard what she said. You cannot listen to her. She just wants to come between us.” Silence follows, and my voice trembles when next I speak. “You don’t believe her, do you?”

I see Jonathan watching me with dark, haunted eyes, and suddenly wish the clouds would re-cover the moonlight. “Whether I do or not is irrelevant. I’ll always be the bastard son and you the highborn lady. Society would look down on us. You deserve someone who can give you a better life. Don’t you see we can never have that?”

Fresh tears sweep through my eyes, my body shaking with frustration. “I don’t care!”

“You should care. As much as I want the same things as you, I couldn’t live with myself knowing I was responsible for your downfall.”

I grab his arm, willing to use force to make him stay. He tries to shake me off, but I am persistent. His face flushes, as he struggles to hold me back.

“Let me go, Lucia!”

“No!”

He manages to free himself, but as he turns to leave, I wrap my arms around his waist, only for him to spin back, knocking me to the ground.

That it’s an accident doesn’t prevent his guilt. I try to tell him
that I’m all right, but he’s already turning away, the distance destroying what’s left between us.

“This might have been an accident, but what about next time? Lady
Stark speaks true. I’ve long felt darkness inside me. It’s getting harder to control. Leaving you is the only way to prevent something happening. I never want to hurt you.”

Jonathan moves over the balcony and disappears.

“You just did,” I whisper to myself. Collapsing onto the stone flooring, I cover my face in my hands, rocking back and forth in pathetic attempts to calm myself. Nothing relieves my sorrow. I will never love again.

I arrived at work frozen to the bone the next morning. Temperatures had plummeted overnight and darkness had enveloped my journey to work, suiting the bleak mood I was in. Jen was already there, leaning against the counter, checking her mobile. She briefly acknowledged me, and then went back to what she was doing. It didn’t matter. I wanted to be left alone.

Pouring myself a hot cup of tea, I sat by the window, staring out into the grey world around me. Lifting the cup to my lips, I took a sip, the liquid warming my belly, but it didn’t ease the chill left in my heart.

The sound of a chair moving interrupted my melancholy. Jen sat opposite, placed her coffee cup, still full, on the table. She wasn’t her usual self. I touched her arm in comfort, but she neither moved nor said a word. I’d come to like Jen, almost as much as I’d liked Sarah. I longed to see Jen happy again, bubbly with enthusiasm. A couple of customers came in, and I served them, whilst Jen remained staring solemnly out of the window. When I’d finished, I sat back down and noticed her coffee was still untouched, and now probably cold. She maintained her vigil at the window, as the raindrops began to patter steadily against the glass.

“Are you OK?” I finally asked.

Jen shook her head. “I met Ellen last night, hoping I’d find out that he wanted me back. Unfortunately, she didn’t see that happening.”

I touched her shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“I’m sorry, Jen.”

She gave a half-hearted shrug. “Doesn’t matter. I’m going to my Gran’s in
Soton for Christmas a little earlier than usual this year. I’ve spoken to Dad and he said it’s fine. He’ll join me later on.”

A flurry of customers keen to escape the cold burst in through the doors, some stopping to shake the frost from their coats. Jen rose and I followed her to the counter to serve. She tried maintaining her poise, smiling at each customer, handing them their drinks, but when the last customer had taken a seat, she turned around and pulled out her mobile phone. Was she checking for text messages from that guy?

“Jen, can I ask you something? It’s about Ellen.”

She slipped her phone back in her jeans pocket, and looked up.

“How can you trust her? I mean, you said she’s helpful, and yes, I know she has some skills. So why didn’t she know you’d be heartbroken?”

I regretted my prodding, when Jen’s body became rigid. “It’s not her fault! Things are always changing. Nothing’s ever set in stone.” She held her chin high. “Besides, I know she has no reason to lie. She lost her fiancé last year, so she knows heartache herself. Poor guy’s heart apparently just gave out.”

Gave out? Something tickled my brain, although I wasn’t certain why. “How old was her fiancé?”

Jen pursed her bottom lip and shook her head. “I don’t know. Does it even matter? She lost someone important to her, yet she’s willing to help others, but you assume the worst about her.”

“I didn’t mean
—”

“It’s fine, Lucy. Really. I need to get away for a while.
Ellen thought it was a good idea too. In fact, she was the one who’d suggested it and said it would be good for my soul.”

All questions about
Ellen’s sincerity were removed from my head when the bell above the shop door rang. The world around me seemed to pause, as Nathan strolled in, removing his damp pea coat, revealing a dry grey shirt and smart trousers underneath. I blinked a few times and when I saw Jen looking at him too, I realised he really was here. A hand ran through his hair, beads of rain sprinkling in all directions. He was broodingly handsome, like one of those models in a cologne advert. I tried to breathe, but the air had gone from my lungs. An invisible force was pulling me towards him, but as soon as his blue eyes found mine, the memories from my last dream unsettled my stomach. He must have noticed my concern, for he was in front of me in an instant.

“Are you all right?”

“Nathan, I—”

Jen cleared her throat.

I smiled nervously; having forgotten Jen was still next to me, her eyes wandering all over Nathan in curiosity. She was keen to make an acquaintance. I was about to reply, but Nathan stunned me into silence.

“How do you do? I’m Nathan Harlow, Lucy’s
…boyfriend. I remember you at the funfair. Forgive my rudeness that evening. I was…tired. I take it you’re her friend Jen? It’s a pleasure to meet you.” He extended his hand towards her.

“
Boyfriend
, eh?” Jen looked between us. “I had no idea.” She winked at me discreetly making me blush, before shaking Nathan’s hand. “Sorry, yes. I’m Jen. And thank you for the panda. He’s taken pride of place on my bed.”

He released her hand and Jen leaned into my ear, whispering, “He’s much better looking in the day. I can’t believe you didn’t mention this. You’re so lucky!”

Nathan’s eyebrow arched. Obviously Jen had been louder than she thought. “Forgive me, Jen, but I’d arranged to meet Lucy for lunch.”

Lunch? Had we? Oh yes, we’d agreed to have lunch together during the meal last night, but that was before I knew Jonathan had broken up with me.

Jen smiled brightly at him. “No problem, but can I just steal her for another minute?”

Nathan nodded, and turned around, hands in pockets, glancing at the retro coffee signs on the walls, although I doubted he was paying close attention. Jen pulled me to the side and spoke low.

“I wanted to apologise for not being around much recently. I’ve had a lot on my mind, as you now know.”

“Jen...” I said quietly, giving her a gentle hug. She accepted it for a few moments, and released me.

“I’ll make it up to you. I’m sure I’ll be fine once I’m back from Soton. Time’s a great healer, or so they say.”

I wasn’t so sure about that last comment. Two hundred years later, and Jonathan’s rejection still made my heart ache.

Just as we were ready to leave, Jen caught up with us, facing Nathan, shoulders squared, index finger waggling at him. “Oh, Nathan? If you ever hurt Lucy, I’ll hunt you down, rip off your privates and feed them to my dog. Got that?”

I held back the urge to giggle, although Nathan looked at me questioningly. Jen had told me her dog was a fourteen-year old Yorkshire terrier, who did nothing but eat and sleep all day. Nathan, however, didn’t know that. For all he knew, she had a Rottweiler. Instead of being embarrassed or angry, he raised his hand in salute. “Got it.”