In Name Only (40 page)

Father Flaherty
had said that when he felt any sort of temptation, he ought to pray.  Why
hadn’t he listened?  He pulled himself off his bed and knelt beside it on the
hardwood floor.  His foot was still bleeding, a piercing pain that continued up
to his soul.  He realized that he must make an effort to pray.  He made the
Sign of the Cross then became silent.  Finally he began, “I know you will
forgive me, God, but could you please help me to forgive myself?”

Chapter 46

Caroline paused
reflectively at her bedroom window and watched David’s carriage ride away.  She
was relieved that he wouldn’t be around for the next several days.  Caroline
had become increasingly uncomfortable in his presence during the past week.
Although David had hugged Kathleen when he said goodbye, it was a low key
gesture.  He had merely nodded to her.

It had been one
week since the night he had arrived home late. Caroline had spoken to him only
once and she had been the one to approach him.  He had avoided eye contact and
made no attempt to continue the conversation.  The spark in his eyes seemed to
have disappeared. Why was he ignoring her?  Could she have done something
wrong?

What was worse
was that he was paying scant attention to Kathleen as well. Her daughter had
been complaining for days that he had not told her a bedtime story.  And she
often cried for him at night.  She was certain David could hear her and yet he
never attempted to come to her room or to calm Kathleen.

Caroline passed
by the closed door of David’s downstairs study.  She wondered whether she
should go into his study while he was away.  He had told her once before that
she had a right to be anywhere she wanted in the house or to read anything she
so desired.

Opening the door,
she was struck by how dark it was, despite the fact that it was early
afternoon.  She waited until her eyes adjusted to the darkness, then she
crossed the room and lifted the shade.  The room became bathed in early
afternoon light.

At the bookcase
by the door, her eyes caught sight of the book he told her he had been
studying, “Confessions of St. Augustine” and she lifted it off the shelf. She
remembered paging through this book several months ago, but she now felt
compelled to read it more thoroughly.  She took it to David’s desk by the
window.  Caroline half-smiled when she saw the haphazard condition of his
desk.  Papers and books were strewn about leaving no area to lay the book.

She lifted her
head and studied the O’Donovan family painting.  Her heart ached as she looked
at Liam’s youthful, sweet face.  Next to him, David, two years older, seemed
bored with the whole affair, though Caroline had to admit that he was a
beautiful boy.  Her eyes wandered to their mother’s face. 
What a beautiful
woman she was
.  Despite the smile, there seemed to be sadness in her eyes.
Liam and David’s father had a slight smirk and Caroline had to admit that his
expression looked identical to David’s.

She carefully
pushed aside an area in the middle of the desk and placed the book down. She
began paging through it until she came to a section of the book and some notes
that David had written.

“Hear my
prayer, O Lord; let not my soul faint under thy discipline. . .whereby thou
hast saved me from all my most wicked ways till thou shouldst become sweet to
me beyond all the allurements that I used  to follow
.”

Further on, she
came to several more circled passages, until two short quotes caught her eye. “
Grant
me chastity and continence, but not yet.”
  And later, “
Thou breathed Thy
fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for Thee.  I have tasted Thee,
now I hunger and thirst for more
.”

Caroline found
herself blushing at the words.  The words sounded strangely like the Song of
Solomon, or the Canticle of Canticles as David had called it.

She straightened,
clapped the book shut and relaxed against the chair.  She closed her eyes and
exhaled.  Something had happened to make David turn away from her.  Could it be
that, despite his love for her, he still wished to remain as brother and
sister?  Perhaps he was finding it difficult to admit to her what he felt.  And
if he wanted to remain as brother and sister, then what? Caroline found herself
feeling disappointed, but returning to their previous arrangement would
certainly not be the worst scenario. 

She returned the
book and closed the door.

Chapter 47

In Boston, David parted the drapes and stared out the window of the hotel.  Except for an
hour here and there, he hadn’t slept in nearly a week.  The guilt was eating away
his soul.  For the last week, he knew that he ought to go to Confession, but he
was unable to gather the courage to do so. 

This morning,
before he left, he found that his Bible was opened to Isaiah 44.As he read the passage;
his eyes were drawn to the words at verse 22.

I have blotted
out thy iniquities

as a cloud

and thy sins
as a mist:

return to Me,
for I have redeemed thee
.

It seemed a
peculiar coincidence that the Bible had been opened to that particular page. 
He hadn’t used his Bible in at least a week and, as he recalled, had it opened
to the Gospel of John. 

He memorized the
phrase, “
return to Me, for I have redeemed thee
.”  

If he was going
to get any sleep tonight – and he had to be fresh and well-rested before he met
with his clients – he knew that it was essential to find a Catholic Church and
go to Confession.

He didn’t care
for Boston, or any large city for that matter, and missed the yard and forested
area that was his view at home.  One building that seemed to stand out in the
panorama was the steeple of what David hoped was a Catholic Church.  He put on
his overcoat and proceeded downstairs to the lobby where he asked the man at
the desk where the closest Catholic Church was. 

“Turn right as
you walk outside and continue for two more blocks,” he was told.

In front of his
hotel, he paused.  Just last week, it had felt like summer.  Today it was cold
and it had begun to snow, the large flakes coating the hotel’s flower pots to
each side of the entrance.

Carriages rushed
back and forth along the cobblestone street in front of him. 

He turned right
and saw the wooden steeple a few blocks away.

It occurred to
him that the snow made everything look – and smell – so much cleaner, newer.
But the snow couldn’t make his soul cleaner.

First, he passed
a United Methodist church on his left, then an Episcopalian church to his
right. Up ahead, there was a larger building, and David hoped that it was a
Catholic Church.  It was just before noon and there were men proceeding up the
steps, perhaps for daily Mass.  He followed in step behind a group and saw the
name of the church: “Cathedral of the Holy Cross.”

David hurried
along inside with the group and stopped to gaze at the subtly lit interior.  It
was a beautiful church, with ornate stained glass windows and the fragrant
aroma that he had grown accustomed to at the Cathedral back home.

He blessed
himself with holy water, then genuflected beside the back pew and knelt down. He
observed several men standing in line at the front.  He watched them enter and
exit a curtained area and concluded that it was most likely the Confessional. 
His pulse quickened at the thought of confessing his most recent sins.  Before
he changed his mind, he stood up.  He made his way to the front of the church,
moved in line behind the last man and began to pray.

An hour later,
inside his hotel room, David felt the immense burden had lifted.  And, contrary
to what he believed earlier, his soul did feel cleaner, brighter and newer,
sacramental grace acting like snow on his soul.

His confessor had
been gentle and kind.  And it was, as Father Flaherty had described it, like
‘whispering into the ear of Jesus.’ While still in the church, he prayed his
penance, then attended Mass.  He was now filled with peace instead of agony and
torture.  It was as if Christ had reached in and ripped the sin from his soul
and replaced it with serenity. 
Why didn’t I go right away?
  David
smiled inwardly.  Because of embarrassment. He and Father Flaherty had spent
many hours, with David learning about the Catholic Church, reading his
Catechism, studying Scripture and reading St. Augustine’s Confessions. In the
last six months or so since becoming Catholic, he had made the mistake of
self-righteously thinking that he didn’t need Confession. Now, he understood
what made the Sacrament of Penance so powerful: the assurance that his sins
were forgiven.  He wasn’t perfect, but he knew now that he could never let his
guard down and take another drink.  He resolved to visit Father Flaherty once
his train arrived in Philly.  Only then could he face Caroline again.

Chapter 48

On the day that
David was expected to return home, Caroline waited outside and watched Kathleen
enjoying an early winter snowfall.  She reveled in the fragrance of the brisk
air and the burning maple.  Her daughter’s mouth was open, her tongue was
sticking out as she tried to catch large flakes and her high-pitched voice
squealed when she succeeded.

Kip had departed
for the train station several hours ago and soon, he and David would be riding
up the laneway.

Would David still
be ignoring her?  Despite his behavior, she longed for his presence and missed
him as Kathleen’s father.

Horse and
carriage sounds caused Caroline to glance up. Seeing Kip in the driver’s seat, and
knowing that David was in the enclosed section caused her pulse to quicken and
her palms to become sweaty.  Kip yelled, “Whoa.”

Jane approached
the carriage and waited for it to come to a stop.  Kip handed her a suitcase,
then climbed down and kissed her cheek.  He opened the door.

Caroline had
expected David to rush into the house without a word to her or Kathleen. 
However, when he emerged, he immediately walked to Kathleen.

“Papa home!” 
Kathleen’s eyes lit up as if she was seeing him for the first time. Her daughter’s
breath visible in the frosty air.

“Yes, Kat, Papa’s
home.”  Kathleen jumped into David’s arms and he responded by hugging her, then
kissing her hat-covered head. He set her down and she began to run.

“Look, Papa,
catch snow!”  She was holding out her tongue.

“Yes, that’s
wonderful, Kat.  I bet you can catch a lot more!”

“Watch!” 

David turned his
gaze to Caroline. He tentatively approached her.

“Hello, David.”

“Caroline.  You
look beautiful.”

Caroline could
feel a warm flush rising to her face.

“I still have the
touch,” he said, a slight smile playing on his lips.  He pulled her to a tender
embrace and whispered in her ear, “I’m so sorry for my behavior the past few
weeks. I’ve been dreadful, but I hope we can start again.”  He kissed the top
of her head.

She nodded.

“I would
certainly understand if you wished to return to the way things were.”

Caroline shook
her head. “No, David, I don’t want that.  But I believed our kiss at the pond
meant something.”

“Our kiss meant
more than you can ever know.”

“Then you changed
and acted like. . .”

“I know and I’m
sorry for that.  Everything was happening so fast and I had a. . .I felt like I
didn’t deserve you.  I don’t deserve you.”

She leaned up to
brush his lips with a gentle kiss.  He returned the gesture, but did not
prolong it.

“I’m not worthy
of someone like you, Caroline.  I don’t deserve you.  I’ve been. . .”

“You’ve changed.”

“Not enough.  I
haven’t changed enough.”

Kathleen’s
squealed as she tried to catch snowflakes and actually succeeded a few times.
David stepped away from her, walked to Kathleen and, together, they caught
snowflakes in their mouths.

Chapter 49

Caroline’s eyes
opened and she sat up in bed. She wasn’t sure if she had just heard a loud
noise or whether she had been dreaming.  She remained sitting upright,
listening in the darkness of her room.  For several seconds, all she could hear
was Kathleen’s slow, even breathing.  It was a comforting sound, one that not
only eased her into sleep, it helped her to waken in the morning.

Caroline studied
Kathleen’s still body and was relieved to find that she was sleeping soundly. 
She opened the door and entered the hallway to try to discover the cause of the
noise.