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Chapter 8: Saying ‘I trust you with my life’ doesn’t wor
k when you’re
dead

“I’m bored,” Drew stated.

“It’s not too bad for you, at least you can sleep,” Sean bit back. The other boy let out an over exaggerated sigh, flinging himself back in his chair and forcefully away from the textbook on the desk.

“I’m sick of studying,” he continued. “Entertain me?”

“The only talent I have at the moment is walking through walls.”

“We should go on a field trip,” Drew suggested. “We could visit my grave. Wouldn’t that be fun?”

“Thrilling.”

“The cemetery’s pretty near here, you know. We could bring drinks and mini sandwiches and have a tea party.”

“I can’t drink, stupid. Or eat for that matter.”

“You can pretend t
o. Or just watch on
jealously as I have fun.”

“You have a warped idea of fun.”

Drew chuckled, picking up a pencil and twirling it over two fingers. “
Just wait until we get back to school, I’m going to have a blast ruining your reputation,”
he said.

“Do anything to humiliate me and I will
end
you, you egotistical bastard with a god complex.”

“Hey, at least you’re getting more creative with your insults.”

Sean sighed. These arguments, or witty banters, or whatever they could be called, came almost daily. They frustrated him to no end, but in a way they kept him alive. Or, existing at least. When deprived of physical contact, human company was the next best thing. Even if that company happened to be endlessly obnoxious.

It had been two weeks since he’d lost his body. He knew this. He kept a tally, like the ones men carved into the trunks of trees when they had been stuck on deserted islands for days on end, except each line was scored into his sanity instead. Fifteen days, and he st
ill
had nothing. What had he been doing? Wasting time, wasting precious energy that was keeping him tied to this world. He needed to find a way to get back, but where to start? The idea was starting to sound impossible, and it was such a huge task that
just thinking about it gave him an imaginary headache.

Hayden came to visit sometime during the
day. It must have been daytime because the
sun
was still up, but nowadays it was getting harder to tell. Day and night blended seamlessly into each other, like the woven fabric of a tapestry. Hayden was nothing like a tapestry though – he did not conform, he did not match, he did not blend in. Sean found it a relief. His brother was alive, and knowing that he was alive made him feel less dead.

“How are you feeling?” Hayden asked, the customary greeting.

“Better
, although
I miss the painkillers,” Drew mumbled. “
And
I’m having trouble with this work. It’s too hard.”

“Has hell frozen over?” Hayden raised an eyebrow. “I never thought I’d see
you
of all people studying willingly.”

“Yeah, well, I’m taking initiative and all that.”

“Why start now?”

Drew shrugged. “Can’t you just be glad I’m doing it at all and move on?”

“I bet it Ali’s influence,” Hayden chuckled. “I knew she’d get to you in the end.”

“Did you come for anything?” Drew asked, after a short pause.

“Yeah, I did,” said Hayden. “Mum’s worried about you, she thinks you’ve been stuck in here too much lately. She told me to take you out today.”

“Take me out where?”

“I don’t know. I thought it was an okay idea though, I’ve be
en pretty bored since my University
term finished.”

“It’s a good thing you can drive now,” Drew admitted.

“Yeah, I just need to save up money to buy a decent car.”

“
You’ll manage. Anyway,
where do you want to go then?”

Hayden grinned slightly. “There’s a new science exhibit with a whole section about astrology in town, but I won’t put you through that torture. I know you’d hate it.”

“We can go t
here if you want,” Drew said
. “Later on, tho
ugh. It’d be better at night. Maybe we
could go to the beach first?”

“That’s an hour’s drive away,”
Hayden pointed out, surprise in his tone.
“And plus, I think it might rain soon.”

“It’ll be better in the rain,” he insisted. “Please can we go?” Sean didn’t normally say please, especially to his brother. Nor was he so open to compromise. If Hayden wasn’t extremely suspicious of Drew by the end of the day, then he would be oblivious bordering on stupid. And he’d gotten three As in his A levels.
Drew was screwed, he concluded smugly.

“Fine,” Hayden conceded defeat with a sigh. “The beach it is. It will be an interesting experience, I guess.”

“Thanks,” Drew smiled. “
You know, for
playing Chauffeur today
.”

“You owe me
.”

“Sure do.”

Hayden shook his head. “Just get ready, pack some spare clothes, meet me outside in ten.”

“Okay, see you.” The older boy paused at the door for a moment and stared, there was a strange look on his face. It was a mixture of something: curiosity, confusion maybe. Sean didn’t have time to analyse it, because he left soon after. Then it was just him, Drew and silence.
He felt like a third wheel.

“The beach?” Sean spoke up incredulously
.
“Really?
I hate the beach. You obviously didn’t do all of your homework.
”

“I know yo
u hate it,” Drew snapped
. “I know I
’m not doing a very good job of
ac
ting like you, either.
I don’t want Hayden to find out.”

“Then why?”

Drew
didn’t answer for a long time, moving around the room clumsily and throwing clothes and
bottled
water into an old backpack. Then he straightened and leaned heavily against the doorframe with a wince. “It’s been s
even
years since I’ve last seen the sea,” he said at last. “Just let me have this, will you?”

The family car was old, and it smelled like must and stale air freshener with an undertone of outdated tobacco smoke. The leather seats were worn and cracked, little fissures running through the fabric that reminded him of bone-dry desert earth. He’d always hated this car. The seats squeaked noisily and the outside was getting rusty, but mum refused to buy a new one.
They didn’t have the money, and Hayden confided once that she kept it partly because it reminded her of their father.
Hayden explained that the man
used
to smoke in here occasionally
, when he was still around, and tried to cover up the smell later, which explained the car’s strange odour. This smell, a fossil of a recent history, was the only thing Sean knew about his father.

Hayden was unusually cheerful. He switched on the radio as they turned onto the motorway, the M25, and hummed along to the music. “Don’t get too carried away,” Drew warned in a joking manner. “We don’t want to crash.”

“Lighten up,” the elder grinned. “We don’t hang out often, so don’t ruin it by nagging me.”
Drew just sighed, leaned his head back and closed his eyes, deciding to drop the matter and just enjoy the ride. Sean, on the other hand, took the opportunity to phase his head out of the roof of the car and, even though he couldn’t feel the wind on his face, screamed as loudly as he could. Because he still could. It was something he’d never be able to do while he was still human.

Hayden was right. By the time they arrived at the deserted beach, it was drizzling and the sky was shadowed by dark clouds.
The sand was polka-dotted with damp patches, and the sound of the rushing sea was ominous. Small waves crashed into the bank, one after another, continuous.
Neither Hayden nor Drew seemed to mind thoug
h and set up camp on a drier patch
, dumping their stuff down as Sean watched warily. “I’m going into the sea,” Drew announced, although he made no move to take his clothes off.

“You’re injuries still aren’t completely healed,” Hayden frowned. “I don’t think you should.”

“Don’t you dare damage my body more than you have,” Sean added angrily.

“I’m fine
, really. I’ll take it easy.”

Hayden sighed.
“If you’re sure, but not too long.”

“Now who needs to lighten up,” Drew laughed, and the grin on his face seemed real, for once. His eyes were lighter. “If you’re so worried, why don’t you just come in with me?”

“I didn’t bring a swimsuit.”

“Then just come in your clothes, we have spares.”

Hayden
agreed reluctantly, and Drew smiled again in triu
mph, leading the way into the surf
. They both waded into the sea until it reached their hips, and then Drew took a dive and disappeared under the white foam. Sean watched from the bank, and felt a deep ache resurface. The scene was so familiar, but also so wrong. It reminded him of that picture he’d seen, the one taped to Hayden’s ceiling,
and the memory he had forgotten
of the two of them playing at the shore together when they were young.
He always thought that the next time it would still be him.

He heard a laugh drift from where Hayden’s head bobbed up and
down with the waves, and Drew could be seen trying
to float on his back. It was probably hurting him physically, but he didn’t show it. He looked too happy. The ache Sean felt intensified with longing; he didn’t hate beaches anymore he decided, he wanted to be there. He wanted to be surrounded by the sea and
be
happy and
alive
like Drew was. Carefully he waded into the water himself, but
he couldn’t feel it. Like he had expected
. What gave him the stupid hope that things would suddenly reverse just because he wanted them to?

They came out twenty minutes later, both shivering and with blue lips. Their clothes were plastered to their bodies and Hayden made a mad dash for the towels, reaching them first and draping one over his little brother. Sean
scowled: Hayden had never shown
that sort of affection towards him. What was suddenly different?
They changed quickly, both smiling still.  It was nauseating. “I’m glad you suggested this,” Hayden said. “I feel like a kid, but in a good way.”

“Me too,” Drew agreed. “Although I think we’re both going to have colds next week.”

“Worth it, though.”

“God
s
, I’m freezing,” Drew complained. “Let’s go to a restaurant and eat something, I’m hungry as well.”

“No surprise there,” Hayden chuckled, but obliged anyway.
When did Hayden ever listen to
him
like that?

They went to a
pub, and or
dered fish and chips and beer
.
“It’s what you’re supposed to have when you come to the seaside,” Hayden explained, stabbing at a chip and devouring it.

“I know,” said Drew. “When was the last time we came?”

“Years ago. Five, maybe, I’
m not sure.
”

There was a pause for a moment, and Drew fiddled with his fork and stared down at his plate. “Not since dad left, right?” he asked quietly. Sean gave a start in surprise at the mention of his father, wondering why Drew would ask about something like that
. He listened avidly for Hayden’s answer though; maybe this time would be different. Maybe something would slip out, while he was on a happy high and caught unaware.

“You’re right,” Hayden murmured softly, finally. “It’s been a while.”

“Did he take us here often?”

“He
worked a lot; he didn’t have much spare time. But we came here twice a year, maybe, for a barbeque on the beach.”

“That sounds nice,” Drew said wistfully, so wistful that Sean had to wonder if he was still acting or not.

“Yeah,” Hayden agreed. “Dad
always liked the sea. Said it was calming and natural, he liked things that were calm.”

“Do you miss him?” Drew asked suddenly, eyes sparking slightly with some unidentifiable emotion.

Hayden seemed uncomfortable with the question, and Sean didn’t blame him. “No,” he said bluntly. “I don’t care about him anymore, not since he left.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“You do, though,” Drew persisted.

“Why do you think that?” Hayden snapped, irritated now.

“Because,” and a sad smile grew on the oth
er’s face. “You still call him dad
.”