If Only (12 page)

The smell of warm apples and
cinnamon lingers, taking over the scent of herbs and garlic, as we relax back
in our chairs. “My tummy’s going to burst,” Su says, sluggishly. “Talking and
eating are not compatible; you don’t realize how much you’re stuffing your face
with.”

I want to laugh, but I can’t
because it’ll hurt. “We’ve all got food babies,” I say, rubbing my stomach,
which feels as though it’s doubled in size. “I swear to God I’m going to
explode, any second now.”

“Thank you so much for all
this and please thank your mom for me,” Saffron says, looking as stuffed as I
feel.

 “I will.” I smile at
her appreciation.

We sit in silence for a
short time, allowing our bodies to recover. I so badly want to sleep, but I
fight it.

We go on to discuss our
Halloween costumes for the club opening night next month. We also chat about a
girlie camping trip we’ve planned for early October, a weekend thing. Saffron
is a perfect addition to this new stage in my life and, despite a certain
someone, I foresee a strong bond forming between Saffron, Su and me. And,
attractions aside, the guys are great, too, all four of them.

“Su, you won’t be there on
Tuesday when Callie takes photos of Adam and Joe?” Saffron says.

“No, it sucks, but I have to
go out with my parents, some family dinner with my mom’s sister. I’d love to
see them in action, are they good?”

“They’re freaking awesome.”

“I can’t wait to see the
pictures.” Su gazes at me, thoughtfully, and then switches her attention back
to Saffron. “I noticed Joe, Dane and Gerard are popular boys. What’s the deal
with them?” This is unexpected, interesting, but unexpected. Have I ever told
you how much I love my best friend?

“Girl, don’t get me started.
I’m always on their backs about it, especially my brother’s.” She folds her
arms, looking all motherly and responsible.

“Why don’t they have
girlfriends? They all seem like good catches,” Su says.

“None of them want
commitment. They each have different motivations, but they’re no different when
it comes to women and sex – they all like a lot of both. It’s ridiculous,
really, they make each other worse, I’m sure.”

“They’re nothing like Adam
then?”  Su says.

Saffron shakes her head, no,
and I have my answer.

Joe doesn’t want commitment.

He does like a lot of women
and sex.

This should put things into
perspective, but I’m now more confused than I was before. I love Nick and I’m
happy with him, yet I’m deeply bothered by this new information.

Why can’t I just not give a
damn?

****

I walk through the center doors to find Joe, Adam and
Saffron sitting in the middle of the room, on the floor, which is covered in
large gray mats. The three of them look my way at the same time. “Hi, sorry I’m
late, guys, I got caught in traffic.”

“That’s okay, you’re only
ten minutes late,” Saffron says, padding toward me. Joe and Adam remain seated
with their legs crossed. They’re dressed in the same white suits with black
belts that they were wearing in the picture at BlackArt.

I did some Jujutsu research,
after we agreed on tonight, to prepare myself and get an idea of what I want to
make a point of capturing. I also want to leave some of it to chance and grab
the moment. Some of my best photos have been the unplanned ones, snatched
opportunities.

I’m excited by this, and
Jujutsu is an obvious art, but it’s still fighting. Strikes and throws and all
kinds of moves I imagine would hurt a whole lot. I’m hoping Joe and Adam won’t
actually inflict pain on each other.

I also looked up the
etiquette, so I know the mats they’re sitting on are called
tatami
and
once they’re put down the room
becomes
a
dojo
, and
not the gymnastics hall it usually is. The place should be respected the way
you would respect someone’s home and I should not walk onto the
tatami
with my shoes on. I felt too uncertain to bow when I came in, but I assumed as
I wasn’t barefoot and I’m not participating it may be okay. I hope it was okay.

In keeping with my mark of
respect for the
dojo
, I toe-off my tennis shoes, and pull off my socks,
before heading over to Joe and Adam. They smiled at that, I figure I did the
right thing. Shit. I just remembered reading that I should ask for permission
to walk on the mats. It’s too late now, and they don’t seem offended. How
literally am I to take the rules as a non-participant? I’m not sure and
thinking about it so much is making me nervous.

I take a deep breath and sit
down with them. “Hey, guys.”

“Hi,” they say in unison.
Yes, I did just feel the Joe related heat lick through me. I extinguish it. I
will focus on what I’m here for and remain professional. My photography is
important to me, so I will keep things under control.

After explaining what I’m
looking for, they tell me some of the things they’ll do. I get the impression
it won’t result in any pain, but I did pick up on an air of competition between
them. They’re clearly competitive, but there’s an unspoken affection behind it.
They’re passionate about Jujutsu and obviously respect the art, as well as each
other. It’s great to see this side of them. 

I get up, without asking for
permission to leave the mats, and walk over to the table Saffron is sitting on.
Picking up my Nikon, I’m glad I asked to do this after all. 

Kneeling, facing each other,
the guys bow. I snap and capture it. They proceed with the warm up, and I work
my way around the action to gain various angles. I’m getting some good stuff
already and I’m certain there’s more to come tonight.

By the end of the warm up, a
light sheen of perspiration covers their skin and they’re breathing heavier.
That’s not something I expected at this stage, isn’t that supposed to be the
easy part?

I couldn’t completely
suppress my reaction when I watched Joe wipe sweat from his forehead with the
back of his hand – I got the shot. A rebellious part of my brain had me
thinking about how much I wanted to lick his face. Who the fuck licks someone’s
face? I haven’t even done that to Nick, other things, yes, but not his face.
What the hell?

As they continue, I hold
back personal, inappropriate thoughts. I’m impressed by how well coordinated
the moves are. They do look like they could be pretty painful, and even deadly,
but it’s a seamless flow of fists and feet and holds. I can’t believe the way
they throw each other down, but there’s even an art to landing. They break
their falls. This is unbelievable and better than I imagined. The physical
demands are beyond belief; they’re strong, flexible and disciplined. I feel
tired just watching them, but I’m in awe of them, also.

Before I know it, we’re
done, and I have so many images. They bow to finish – snap, capture – and start
to put the gray flooring away.

I head back to the table
where Saffron is still sitting.

“God, that was amazing,” I
say to her, as I tuck my camera into its nylon case.

“I know, right? I never get
bored of watching them.”

“Have you tried it out
yourself?” She appears to be quite strong, even though she’s small. I’m aware
she works out, and it shows in her nicely defined arms.

Her smile is suggestive, as
she catches her bottom lip between her teeth. “Yeah, Adam and I have a few
times, but we don’t get far. My boyfriend seems to like the idea of pinning me
down too much, he completely takes advantage.”

We giggle, and I can’t help
the visions that enter my badly behaved mind. They’re an affectionate couple,
and the chemistry between them is so clear. I don’t doubt they’re hot between
the sheets.
Or on the
tatami
.

The guys join us, and the
four of us head out to the parking lot.

When we’re in the small lot, I notice Callie’s car is
parked beside my bike. Adam and saffron jump on his motorcycle, on the other
side of mine, and they leave first, because Saff wants pancakes at her favorite
diner.

It’s just Callie and me now.
This isn’t what I was expecting, but it’s good, time alone is more of an
opportunity to talk. She puts her photography equipment and purse on the back
seat of her bug and closes the door.

“I know I keep saying it,
but thank you so much for tonight,” she says, turning to face me.  

“No problem.” I perch on the
side of my seat. “You happy with all you got?”

She smiles wide.
“For sure.
The difficult part will be narrowing down my
choices for which ones I’ll put in my portfolio. I’ll be keeping them all, but
I’ll only develop a select few. That won’t be easy.”

“Too much is definitely
better than not enough.”

“I know, right?” she agrees
with a raise of both pretty brows.

Shit, this is the most
‘alone’ we’ve been and it’s difficult, tempting. I just want to pull her close
to me and kiss her. She’s only around two feet away, so I don’t have to reach far.
I’ve got to keep my hands to myself, she’d probably freak.

She steps back and leans
against her car. That’s made the distance between us greater, but I can still
draw her to me with little effort. I anchor my hands in my jacket pockets.

The lot is empty, but for
the two of us, and our vehicles. The center is closed now. We’re by a street
lamp, and it’s casting a low amber glow, just for us. It’s like the perfect
setting from some fucking romance novel; ideal for a first kiss. Not so ideal
for us. I can’t believe I don’t want to be alone with her now, but I’ve got to
get used to it.

I guess the phrase ‘practice
makes perfect’ applies here. 

“It’s unbelievable what you
and Adam can do. How did you get started?” Her eyes hold excitement and wonder,
eyes that I’m constantly resisting the urge to draw. It’s intriguing how much
those toffee-browns of hers say without her needing to speak the words. Women
are often impressed when they find out I do Jujutsu, but that’s more about
being strong and able to fight. All night and right now, I can see that Callie
respects the art itself. How many things can I possibly like about her?

Or love?
Face the fact,
dude.

 “We were eight and
nine and one day we were in a park where a group of local guys were
demonstrating it. We stopped to watch. One of them must have seen the
fascination on our faces and he took us to one side and started showing us some
basic moves, fighting stance and front snap punch. We were hooked immediately
and started going to the recreation center where they ran classes.” She looks
so gripped. I just want to grab her and tell her, “Get rid of that damn
boyfriend.”

“You don’t compete, right?”

“Nah, it’s a hobby, and I
like to keep it that way. I wouldn’t want the risk of injury, either, not with
the job I do.” 

“That makes sense. Adam said
you do classes with local kids.”

“Yeah, we do a Wednesday
night session with our Sensei. Now
that’s
amazing, they love it. It’s
good for their self-confidence and discipline, and they’re so committed. Seeing
the effect Jujutsu has on those kids is something else.”

“Wow,” she whispers, a small
furrow taking shape between her brows. Mind reading superpowers would be useful
right now. “Oh, by the way,” she says, seeming to pull herself out of whatever
it was she was thinking, “I owe you and Adam. You’ve given me some great shots
tonight. I’m gonna make dinner for you both and Saffron and I won’t take no for
an answer. I know neither of you want anything for this, but I have to give you
something and that, at least, would make me happy.”

“Okay, if you insist, but we
really don’t expect it.”

She purses her lips and
shakes her head. “Yes, I know, but I want to.” That attitude of hers gets me every
fucking time.

“So can you actually come up
with more than baby cakes?” I tease.

“I’m a damn fine cook I’ll
have you know.”
You’re damn fine, that’s for sure.
“It’ll be vegetarian,
but don’t worry I won’t stuff you full of lentils. I will actually feed you all
well; I’m quite creative with ingredients, thanks to my mom.”

I can only laugh. And fight
the urge to grab her. 

We talk about food, music,
dancing, movies, her parents, my parents, and even her grandparents.
Friendship, at the least, is a guarantee. No way in hell is that enough, but
I’ll accept that for now. I can be patient, she’s worth the wait. She’s only
eighteen, anyway. Eighteen year olds are always in and out of relationships,
thinking they’re in love, right?

How long could it possibly take?

 “Shit, look how late
it is,” she says, glancing at her watch. “It’s after midnight – we’ve been here
for over three hours. Sorry.”

Sorry?
“For
what?”

“I’ve taken up your whole
evening. I didn’t realize how cold it’s gotten, either.”