If Only (10 page)

“That sounds nice, too.”
With a soft smile, she turns her face up toward the sky, the loose flowing
strands of pink silk gathering on her shoulders with the backward tilt of her
head. “I can’t believe we played for so long … Joe, did you lose on purpose?”

I suppress my emerging grin.
“Why would I do that?”
                     

“I really don’t believe I
won those games against you, I’m not as good as you.”

I got more pleasure out of
letting her be the victorious one than I would have if it had been me, but I
had to let it be close so it wasn’t obvious. “You deserved to win.”

“Are you avoiding my
question?”

“Nope, you won fair and
square.” I shrug, lightheartedly.

She looks at me, suspicion
in her eyes. I hold her mesmerizing gaze. Her brows knit together, as though
she’s thinking of something. Now she breaks our connection, lowering her chin
to rest between the peaks of her knees.

I have an overwhelming urge
to slide my arm forward, scoop her into my side, and hold her. And then ask her
what she’s thinking. Right now, I want superpowers, which make me a mind
reader. I’d love to know the way her mind works, understand her deeper than any
other man.

If I was enough of a dick to
pursue Callie, regardless of her relationship, I’d be wasting my time. After
seeing her with Nick at the expo, I know for sure she wants to be with him. I
also know that she and I connect in a way that tells me things would be
different between us if Nick hadn’t found her first. That doesn’t help with
things right now, I know she doesn’t feel the same way for me as I do her – and
that won’t change as long as she’s with her boyfriend.

I should stay the fuck away
from Callie, but it is one hell of a motivator to feel that things
could
be
different.

I got straight into bed as soon as I arrived home. It’s
now daylight outside and a streak of brightness peeps in between my curtains,
which I clearly didn’t close tightly enough. The house is quiet; mom is at
work, Elena and Dad are still sleeping. The silent residential street outside
doesn’t interfere with the serenity of my room, either. Nick will be coming by
at some point this morning, so I have to get some sleep.

Still, I lay here heavy
eyed, but awake. It was the same after getting back from Joe’s party and after
the expo and the other two times I briefly saw him when I was with Saffron. The
man is consuming my thoughts. All I can think about is the things we’ve said to
each other, the way he speaks, his expressions, his masculine, yet beautiful
face, his physique. He even has gorgeous feet.

I feel guilty, it’s like I’m
mentally cheating on my boyfriend, and I don’t welcome it.

It’s all so weird and
unexpected, uninvited. I’m fighting whatever this is, but it’s difficult. It’s
confusing, too. Before I met Joe, I thought Nick was my Mr. Perfect, the man I
wanted to be with forever. I still do. But I feel something for Joe. Just
thinking his name has my body temperature rising, how freaking weird is
that? 

Joe ... Joe ... Joe
...
I could spontaneously combust.

Sighing heavy, I roll onto
my back.
Switch off brain, please.
I grab my cell from my nightstand.
I’m calling Su.

“I was just having the best
dream ever,” she says, in a drowsy voice.

“I’m sorry, but I have a
question for you. Can you love two guys at the same time?”

She’s silent for a moment. “What’s
this about? And why have you disturbed my fantasy for this?”

“I wanted your opinion,
sorry, I thought you might still be awake. So what do you think?”

“Please ask me something I
know the answer to.”

“Can you love a guy you
haven’t even kissed?”

“Oh, no, you are so not
asking me this. You are so not in love with Joe.”

“How’d you know I’m talking
about him?”

“How long have we been
friends?”

“Okay, okay. Can I love Joe,
even though I already adore Nick to death? And when I haven’t so much as kissed
him,
or
done anything other than talk to him?”

She giggles, but I don’t
know why she finds this funny. “Love isn’t about a kiss, Callie. Sure you can
determine chemistry, but emotions run deeper. I think you can love two people
at once, sure, but I also think one will be more dominant than the other. So
really my answer is no, I guess. Cuz if one overrides the other then
that
must be true love, right? Christ, I don’t know, Callie. Are you sure it’s that
deep with Joe? You two do get along well, but
love?
”

“I don’t know.” It’s more
than a simple case of liking him, I’m certain of that. I could ignore that. But
love does seem a little extreme, right? The thing is, when I looked into his
eyes when we were out on the balcony this morning, what I felt exceeded anything
close to like.

“Oh, I wish I knew what to
say, but I don’t. I only want Zack. I can see other cute guys, but he’s the
only one for me. I’ve been with him longer than you have with Nick, though, so
... this is hard. Maybe we should see what happens over the next few weeks. It
could just be good old fashion lust and you’re confusing things.” She yawns and
I feel guilty for waking her up with my silly uncertainties.

“Yeah, I guess. Go back to
your dream, sorry for waking you.”

Two amazing men, both get to
me in different ways. 

Joe is unbelievable. He’s
confident, in an attractive way, with a physical presence of manly dominance
and raw, highly tempting sex appeal, but with eyes that seem to say so much
more. What they say I don’t fully understand, it’s like a different language,
but it makes me feel warm and wanting, it’s so intense. That penetrates me
deeply, even without his touch.

His presence alone is
enough. 

Nick is exactly what I
wanted in a guy; his looks and physique are faultless, he excites me, he makes
me feel special, and I completely trust him with my heart. I adore being with
him, and physically we’re great together, we have perfect chemistry. He’s
perfect.

So what’s the deal with Joe?
Why is he invading my thoughts? Does he feel anything for me? He’s nice to me,
always talks to me, but he’s like that with Su, too. Am I his type? Does he
consider me attractive? That Cher song springs to mind right now – if I kissed
Joe what would it tell me?

I can’t kiss him, I won’t
kiss him. I have a boyfriend.

Okay, this analysis needs to
stop. He’s new on the scene and that’s probably it. Maybe I’ll skip the arcade
night we all have planned for Thursday. I knew I should’ve said no when it was suggested,
but I didn’t want to, so I said yes.

I’m seeing Joe again in six
days. (Between you and me, that seems like forever away)

I should cancel. Or go and
not look at him. Not possible, my eyes would betray me and do it anyway.

The doorbell sounds. Shit.

****

Su and I pass the evening diners, the smell of fried
chicken and meat encapsulating us as music flows below the conversations. We
enter the pool hall and pass a series of tables, most of which are taken. Joe,
Adam, Gerard and Dane are playing in teams of two at the far end. By them,
Saffron is sitting at a small, circular table, watching. When Su and I approach
her, we all hug and sit down together.

As the three of us fall into
chatter, I also watch the game. At least, I try to, it’s impossible not to be
engrossed in Joe, as I expected. Su discretely nudges my foot with hers,
pulling my attention back to the two of them. They’re talking about Saffron’s
event, coming up next month. It’s for Halloween and the opening night of a club
in Sacramento. That means it’s fake ID time. I’m super excited and, of course,
my mom is happy that I’m making new friends.

Unable to stop myself, my
head turns in the other direction. God, Joe’s hot. The full length of his lean
back is pressing against his fitted snow-white sweater as he leans over the
green felt to take his shot, the muscles rippling with his movement. The cue
ball and the red stripe he’s aiming for are awkwardly placed at the opposite
end.

I allow my gaze to travel
from the waistband of his low-hung jeans, where his shirt is tucked, up along
his torso, over his sculpted shoulder, and down his strong arm to his hand. The
end of the cue is resting in the curve between his thumb and forefinger. What
the hell? Out of nowhere, a vision of my tongue running along that long, slim
forefinger, from third-knuckle to tip, entered my mind, uninvited. This is so
not okay. Shaking my head, I drag my interest away from him, back to the girls,
at this point hearing the ball pocket. Oh, man
.
I take a deep breath.

“Callie, are you okay?”
Saffron asks, leaning across the table toward me.

“I’m fine, just hot.” I
shrug out of my denim jacket. The cool air caressing my stomach, uncovered by
my cropped black shirt, is soothingly welcome. I can think of somewhere else a
little lower down that also needs caress–
stop it!
I could really use an
ice-cold soda. Fuck that, no way am I walking by you-know-who to go get one.

“Let’s go get some drinks,”
Saffron says, “that might help.” 

Dammit.
I force a
smile.
“Great idea.
You’ll know what the guys want,
right?”

 “Sure.” She nods.

Dumbass, of
course she knows, Adam is her boyfriend and they’re all friends. 

I’ll have to be careful not
to pay too much attention to Joe in front of her, she’d probably tell Adam.
Maybe even the guy himself. The last thing I want is for Joe to think some
silly teenager has a crush on him.
Even if it is true.
 

As I walk to the bar, that
way-too-sexy man is in my peripheral. I strongly order my head not to turn and
it obeys. My eyes have no choice but to stay looking in the direction I’m going
in. Waiting for our beverages, I’m in full control and disciplined. This is
good, very good. All of our drinks fit on the one tray. I wish I’d known that,
I could’ve avoided getting up.

On the way back, I fail. A slip
of my betraying gaze, in the direction of the game, locks in on Joe’s deep
brown eyes staring back at me.
Busted.
I smile
politely and carry on my way. Shit, I’m scorching, this is not normal. I need
an escape.

“Hey, I’m just going to the
restroom,” I tell Su and Saffron.

Rushing into the first
stall, I close the door and pull the lock across. With my forehead against the
cool wood, I take some deep breaths. The sterile, bleachy smell in here is
making me feel sick. I make my breathing shallow and try to control
my-silly-self. 

“Callie,” Su whispers from
the other side, “
are
you okay?”

I slide the catch back and
march out. “Yeah, it’s just kind of hot out there.”

“You mean normal hot, or
Joe
hot
?”

I look at her and we giggle like
a pair of teenagers, one of whom does have a crush on Joe. “This isn’t good,” I
say, shaking my head. Stopping at the sink, I turn on the faucet. “I can’t like
someone else. I could understand it if I didn’t have a boyfriend I was actually
happy with. This is crazy.”

“We can make our excuses and
go if you want.”

“No, I’ll get over it. I
have to if we want to spend time with Saffron, sometimes he’ll be around.” I
wash my hands and dry them on the paper towel.

“Let’s get back out there
then,” she says, walking to the door. “If you get
Joe hot
again, and you
wanna go, just lemme know.”

“Saff, you wanna play?” Gerard calls to her. “How
‘bout you girls, too?” he says to Callie and Su.

“I’m okay for now,” Callie
answers, after a brief hesitation.

Saffron and Su get up from
their seats, and Adam stays with Gerard to even out the teams.

“You don’t wanna play?” I
ask Callie, sitting across from her.

“I do. Just not yet, it’s a little
hot in here.” She starts fanning her face with a coaster. She could always take
her clothes off.
“I’m not as good as any of you, though,” she says,
placing the tip of her straw against her bottom lip. She seals it in with the
top one.
And sucks.
Damn. I hold back the thoughts
those lips of hers start to provoke.

“You should go up against
Gerard. He’s okay, but he’s not great competition.”

“It’s true,” Dane says,
taking up the stool beside her.

“Why don’t we go check out
some of the games?” She sucks on her straw again.

Fuck. That mouth.

And, yes, I do want to do
that.
 

“Sure, why not?
Dane?”
I ask, looking at him.

“Let’s do it.”

We pass by the others to
tell them where we’re headed. The entire floor below the pool hall is filled
with a variety of games; racing, shooting, dance competitions. It’s busy and
the crowd’s all adult, which I prefer, and we’re submerged in sound effects,
music, and voices, meaning we have to speak up to hear each other.