I Can't Die Alone (2 page)

“Fine,” I growled. “Five minutes.”

She jumped up and down clapping her hands together. 

“Go tell your Mom.” I said pointing back down the hall, and watched her run all the way there. 

She was back at the door before I could get it closed behind me. 

“Duncan,” I called out. 

Usually he’d be right at my feet, but he hated when I was gone too long. He was probably angry with me. Either that or he’d done something he wasn’t supposed to and he was hiding because of it. 

As soon as I sat my keys down on the kitchen counter, he came running out. He went straight for my leg and rubbed his soft black fur across it. I suppose he wasn’t mad at me after all. 

“Hey Buddy,” I rubbed his head. I felt the tremble as he purred under my fingertips. 

“Duncan,” Becca squealed. She scooped him up and ran straight for the living room couch.

Was it five minutes yet? 

My back was already hurting, but I could feel the pain growing stronger. It was like stabbing knives straight into my spine. 

Lifting the white plastic bag that I had from the hospital, I fished out the pill that the doctor had allowed me to take home. I had a prescription for a three-month supply, but didn’t feel like stopping at the drug store. 

“Becca,” I called out. 

When she answered I asked her to say her goodbyes to Duncan. Whether it had been five minutes or not, I was ready to take my very large pain pill, possibly take a bath, and get in the bed. 

The little pitter-patter of her feet came to a stop next to the doorway of the kitchen. “Bye Tor.” She waved.

“Bye. I’ll see you tomorrow okay?”

“Okay.”

When the door closed, I started removing my clothes. It was a habit of mine once I’d started living on my own. I walked around wearing my underwear and a tank top most of the time. It felt freeing.

I left a trail of clothes all the way to my bedroom, and started my bath water in the en suite. I clicked play on my iPod and waited for Duncan to come scurrying in the room before I closed the door. He always liked to be in the room with me while I was in the bath. Mostly because he wanted to unravel the entire roll of toilet paper and lie on it like a fluffy bed. 

Inching myself down into the piping hot water, I let out a sigh of relief. For the first time in a week, I felt relaxed, and I wasn’t sure why. Not with the horrifying news that I’d received. It was probably the pain medication. Either way, I didn’t mind. I finally felt like I was able to breathe a little better. 

I leaned back against the porcelain white tub and closed my eyes as my
I Heart Ed
(Ed Sheeran) playlist began. His words always seemed to hit home in one way or another. 

Closing my eyes I thought about my Mom. It seemed to happen every time they closed. 

She died almost six months ago.

She was my best friend.

I thought the two of us talked about everything, but after she passed I learned there was a secret that I never knew about. 

A man.

He wasn’t my father. That I knew. My Mom used to talk about my father as often as she could. He was very young when he passed away in a car accident. I wasn’t even six months old and had zero recollection of him. She always talked about how much she missed him, and we’d look at old photographs. I didn’t look at the pictures after she passed. They’ve been tucked away in an old trunk. It’s too hard to look through them without her. 

The week after my Mom passed, I packed up the things in our townhouse and put a for sale sign in the yard. It was too much for me to stay there with all of those memories. I longed to be closer to the city, and as far away from that house as I could get

While I was packing away her bedroom I found an old photograph and a letter dated 1997 in the pocket of a coat that was hanging in the back of her closet. I remember how hesitant I was about opening it, scared that maybe there was something in I shouldn’t see. After all, it was hidden inside her coat. 

I still tear up when I think about the sweet words that were written to her. He’d signed it –all my love, Benjamin Cooper. 

I knew that my Mom loved my Dad, but this was different. I believed so deep in my heart. He must’ve been her first love. The way he spoke to her was beautiful, and I’ve read it several times thinking that there couldn’t be anyone out there who loved anyone as much as this man loved my Mother.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I replayed the letter in my mind. 

I’d never know love like that. I’d never have even an ounce of that kind of love. 

My lip trembled, as I fought back the tears. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I thought the worst. I thought how I could end it all now. I could leave the empty world behind and no one would ever notice. 

No one. 

“Oh God.”

I couldn’t. 

There was no way I could take my own life. 

I was scared to die. 

I spent another thirty minutes in the bathtub waiting for my tears to dry up, or the water to grow cold. Whichever came first? My lack of energy was no surprise. For the past six months, I had none. It was only going to get worse from here. 

Duncan occupied the rug just outside my tub as I stepped out of it. He wouldn’t move either. He was stubborn like that. He purred and stretched farther as if it were an inconvenience for me to step over him. 

Damn cat. 

I wrapped the navy blue towel tightly around me and secured it just above my breasts. The cool air that hit my legs sent cold chills up my spine and brought a familiar pain into my back. I’d have to up my dose of pain meds to be able to do my typical day-to-day routines, another side effect of dying. 

I slammed my palms down onto the gray colored countertop and stared at my reflection in the mirror. It was a pathetic reflection. I didn’t look like myself. My dark eyes were much darker than normal, and there was something different in my skin tone. It was pale compared to before. I looked like I felt. 

Sick…

Anger boiled inside me, and there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. I had no one to talk to, no one to yell at, no one to love or no one to love me. The emptiness inside was swallowing me up. 

Brushing my long brown hair away from my face was more like a chore rather than something I could remember doing because I wanted to feel beautiful. Those days were gone. Pretty soon I’d cease to exist.

I threw the brush across the room and Duncan jumped up and ran at the sound of it crashing against the wall. 

I put on an old t-shirt and a pair of underwear and crawled into bed with my hair still dripping wet. 

Lying there on my pillow, I thought about the days that were ahead of me. 

Suddenly something clicked inside of me. I had the dumbest idea ever.

I was brilliant, and crazy, wrapped in a cancer-filled body. If there was a way to find funny in this time of anguish, this was it. 

And this was pretty hilarious. 

I laughed out loud which made me snort, because I have the weirdest laugh ever. It’s like a hyena and I promise it’s not pretty. But usually when I started to laugh, I couldn’t stop. 

This time was no different.

Duncan stared at me from the other pillow. He was probably wondering why his mother was such a weirdo. He loves me all the same though. 

“I’m going, Duncan. I’m going to find Benjamin Cooper. That’s nuts right?” I asked my cat. 

It’s more nuts that you’re talking to your cat Tori.

The dumb idea might lead me on an endless search to find nothing, but I had nothing to lose. I might also meet someone that wouldn’t let me die alone. 

A companion.

A friend.

Or just some man who loved my Mother, that might feel some ounce of remorse for me, and will attend my funeral, since no one else would be there. 

Yep, I was officially crazy; bat shit crazy. 

***

I filled my backpack with three days worth of clothing (because that was all that would fit), an old photograph of my Mom and Dad, and the letter from Benjamin. The letter had an address in Chapel Hill, which was over two hours away from me. Not too far for me to travel, unless he no longer lived there. It was 1997 so my chances were slim, but I had to start there though. I had nothing else to go off of. It would be a wild goose chase, literally.

Knock… Knock… Knock…

“Tor! Duncan!” 

“Becca, why are you answering the door?” Didn’t her parents teacher her anything? I rolled my eyes. “Where’s your Mom?”

“MOM!” She screeched sending Duncan burrowing into my armpit. 

“Tori,” Suzy smiled showing her crooked teeth. “What are you doing here?”

I smiled back, “I have to take a trip for a little bit and I really need someone to keep Duncan. I know it’s a lot of trouble to ask, and honestly I hate to, but I know how much Becca loves Duncan, and…”

“I don’t know,” she interrupted. 

“Pweeeeease Mommy,” Becca whined tugging on Suzy’s shirttail. 

“Ugh,” she groaned. “Okay.”

Thanks to Becca’s puppy dog eyes I had a home for Duncan. They didn’t know that I most likely wouldn’t be back. I squeezed his black furry body against mine and kissed the top of his head. Whispering in his ear, I told him that I loved him before handing him over into Becca’s tiny arms. She loved Duncan as much as I did so I knew that he would be well taken care of. I tried not to cry as I rubbed his little head once more, and told them goodbye. 

It was my first goodbye and it wasn’t easy. Staring into those pitiful cat eyes made me almost regret the decision, but I knew that he needed a good home and someone who would love him as much as I did. I was sure going to miss that stubborn little baby. He was my only child and I’d never have another. 

Once the door to their apartment was closed I took a few deep breaths. There was no turning back now. 

I hailed a cab to take me to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled and I was ready to be on my way. I grabbed a couple of bottles of water, some Airheads, and a bag of munchies for my trip, and asked the cab driver to take me to the nearest bus station. I couldn’t walk for very long because I tired too easily. 

Once at the bus station, I bought my ticket. I sat down on the bench under the glass covering and waited for my bus. 

“Taking a trip?” A younger man asked from the bench next to me. He had an innocent face and curly hair that hung down in his eyes. 

“Um, a small one I guess. I’m visiting a friend,” I replied. I tried not to sound rude, but I wasn’t much in the mood for talking. The medicine that I’d taken on the cab ride over was kicking in and I was becoming tired and grouchy. Good thing I was traveling alone. I would have been a sucky companion. 

The young man obviously sensed my unease. He didn’t try talking to me anymore. I offered him a half smile but put my head back down quickly. I’d never been much of a people person. More so I was like the a hermit. Even in high school I studied alone, and never had many friends. No one close anyway. There were a few people that I talked to on occasion, but I never had the ability to connect. It was easier hiding than being the center of attention. 

I never felt truly alone until my Mom passed. Before that, we were like best friends. She was the only person I’d ever truly been myself with. We were close. More than close. We had an unbreakable bond.

Or, we used to.

Once she was gone, I became even more secluded. It was just Duncan and me against the world, a world that I wanted no part of. 

How ironic?

There was nothing I wanted more than the world now.

The screeching tires of the bus came to a stop before me, and a puff of white smoke clouded the air. I grabbed my things and made my way aboard finding my seat, and settling in for my road trip. 

“Goodbye Duncan,” I whispered towards the bus window as we drove away. 

“Hey, wake up,” someone shook my arm. “Are you okay?”

My eyes came into focus and when I saw his face I jumped in fear. The same guy that had spoken to me while we were waiting for the bus was mere inches from my face. This time, I could see his eyes as his hair was pulled back into a ponytail. 

Clutching my bag close to me, I inched closer to the bus window. It was then that I could feel the pain in my stomach. There was a stabbing sensation in my lower abdomen and it hurt bad enough that I had to clench my teeth. 

I groaned, leaning over a little to ease the pain.

“I didn’t mean to scare you. I was sitting over there,” he pointed across the aisle, “when you cried out in your sleep. It sounded scary as hell.”

“I ugh,” I stuttered as I shied away. “I’m sorry.”

He waved his hand before saying, “It’s okay. I wasn’t sure if it was a nightmare or if you were in some kind of pain, but I can see now that you’re not feeling well. I think you might have a fever.”

My eyes widened as the back of his hand inched closer to me. 

“May I? I just want to check for a fever.” 

He didn’t have to check. I could feel the heat from behind my eyes. But for some reason, I agreed. 

You know how you can just get a feeling about a person and know that you’re safe? 

Me either!

“Yep, you’ve got a fever.”

“Thanks,” I said hesitantly, regretting that I’d let him touch me in any way.

“I’m Craig.” His eyebrows raised and  his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“Tori,” I replied. “Where are we?” 

“I’m not sure exactly, but we’ve been traveling for about an hour. I’ve been mostly reading, and not paying much attention,” he admitted. 

He didn’t peg me for the reading type, but who was I to judge. I probably didn’t look like the dying type. 

“Thanks for waking me. I took some medicine before I got on the bus, and it made me tired.” It wasn’t a complete lie. “I don’t travel well.”

His facial expression had me confused. I couldn’t tell if he believed my half-hearted story or if he thought I was blowing smoke up his ass. My lack of people skills was hindering.