I Can't Die Alone (8 page)

It was sweet, and thoughtful, and I was dreading every single minute of it. He could be so kind, and I was happy to know that he wasn’t upset with me. I’d become such a realist and I easily forget that there are still such optimistic people in the world, ones who haven’t been touched by such darkness and dread. Bo was a prime example of good. 

I pulled out my phone and used Google to find the nearest place to buy clothes. It wasn’t far. I grabbed my purse and snatched the keys from the dresser and headed out. Shopping was never something that interested me, even when I wasn’t sick. I dreaded the overcrowded stores, the needle-in-a-haystack searching, and the rude cashier that wished she were anywhere but at work. Uh… Not to mention the trying on. Just the thought of it made my head hurt. 

I was back at Bo’s house and back in the bed. The stores weren’t too bad and I managed to find myself some boyfriend style jogging pants in three different colors. Loose was better. I found some tee shirts, a new bra, and several pairs of new underwear. I also bought a dress and some sandals. I wanted to be prepared if I got asked out to dinner again. After checking out at the final store I was exhausted. I couldn’t even tell you what all I purchased at that last place. The pile was large because I was ready to leave. I just threw random stuff inside my cart and checked out. 

Back at the house, I spent some time reading one of the books I found on a shelf in the living room. Either I was far too tired to read, or the book was boring on an epic level, because when Bo woke me up the book was resting on my chest. 

“Did shopping wear you out?” He asked. The bed moved as he sat down next to me. He was dressed nicely, same as he was every day. 

“It sucked.” 

Glancing over at him, I watched as ran both hands over his face roughly. 

“Are you okay?” I asked him. 

“Yeah, just worn out. It was a long day. One of the new guys quit, and we have this huge sale going on this week. I spent most of my time outside.” 

Bo was a salesman. He sold cars. We’d talked about it over dinner last night. About how he hated his job and his boss, and how he couldn’t wait to go back to school. He really wanted to be an architect, but he’d said that this sales job sort of fell in his lap and he needed the money at the time. He talked so passionately about architecture that it was easy to see it was his dream. 

I knew when he received the money that I was going to leave him that he’d be able to go back to school, and he could quit his crappy job. It was an amazing feeling knowing that I’d be able to help him. All of that money would be used on great things, and he’d be able to follow his dreams. 

Reaching across the bed, I placed my hand over his. Something in his touch seemed to ease the tension inside of me, and I only hoped that my touch would do the same for him.

He gripped my fingers in his palm as we sat there in the silence of the bedroom. I tried hard not to think about all the things that were weighing heavy on my heart. Letting my body relax wasn’t easy for me, but being there with him and touching him was just what I needed. Under the glow of the lampshade I could see his body relax. It was working. The silence and our hands together was what he needed too. 

“Can he ask you a question?” He said to me.

“Yes.”

He paused before asking, “When you found out that you were dying,” he said hesitantly. “Did you make a list of things you wanted to do and see before it happens?”

I shook my head no. “Not really a list,” I replied. “In my mind I knew that there were things I wanted to do before it happened, and I guess I’ve been crossing them off as I go, but I haven’t made an actual list. There would be so many things that I couldn’t do that it would probably disappoint me.” 

“I think you should do it. I think that you should write down a bunch of things, and let me help you cross them off your list.”

“Oh really,” I countered. 

“Really,” he smiled. “And we’ll only put things on the list that are physically possible.”

“I don’t know,” I groaned. The idea of it sounded good, but I wasn’t sure I’d be up for it. It seemed unrealistic, and impossible. 

“Come on. You don’t want to spend your time watching television and eating takeout do you? There are a ton of possibilities,” Bo pleaded.

“You know, I’m the queen of Netflix, so television watching doesn’t sound too bad.” 

He nudged my arm jokingly. “I’m serious. We’ll take it easy, and there just might be a few things we could do that we won’t even have to leave the house for.”

There’s that witty sense of humor. 

“Fine,” I groaned. “Get some paper.”

He ran out to grab a tablet and pen and rushed back to the bed, nearly bouncing me off as he jumped onto it. 

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s put ten things on the list and if we make it through this list then we’ll add more. Sound good?”

“You’re the boss I suppose.”

“Right you are.” His smile made my knees weak. “You start naming some things you’d like to do and I’ll write them down.”

Hmmm. What did I want to do? “Um, you already gave me my first date so we don’t have to list that.” I smiled. Sitting there thinking about all the things I wanted to do wasn’t easy. The things that I knew that I could never do were what came to mind. “I want to watch the complete Hunger Games series of movies in order from start to finish.”

“Again with the television.”

“You asked.” I shrugged.

“Okay a movie marathon. What else?”

“I want to get a tattoo.”

“Good answer,” he replied. 

“I want to ride a motorcycle,” I admitted and his face lit up. 

“I have a motorcycle, so that one is definitely getting crossed off this list.”

“I’d love to learn how to bake cookies from scratch. My mom was really good at it, but she never got to teach me. And I’d like to sleep under the stars. Like outside.” 

He smiled and continued to write. 

“I want to be kissed.” I hesitated, as he lifted his head up to look at me, and I continued quickly. “I want to make something with my hands.”

“Like what?”

“Maybe a bird house. I like birds.” 

“Okay, you need three more things.”

“Oh, I know… A picnic. I’d like to go on a picnic. I think I’d also like to go to a bar. Even though I’m not twenty-one. I still want to see what all the fuss is about, and maybe I’ll get to experience my first drink of alcohol too.”

“That’s ten, and everything on this list we can do. It’ll be perfect.”

I was actually excited and it felt good. Bo had such effect on me. He was a living, breathing reminder of the good that I never wanted to forget. His life wasn’t measured in time like mine. He was free to live and breathe as he chose, and he’d chosen to make my last moments a whole lot better. I’d never be able to thank him for it. Even if we never crossed a single one of those things of the list it was still wonderful to think that we could, and it felt even better to know that I might get to cross them off with him. 

“Wake up sleeping beauty. We have a lot to do today?” 

“What time is it?” I asked an all too cheerful Bo. I’d never been a morning person.

“It’s ten,” he replied. 

Crap. It was practically afternoon.

“Why are you home?” I asked him as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

“I called in sick.”

“Which you’re clearly not, or else you are one happy damn sick person.”

He chuckled which made me groan louder. “You’re funny when you’re grumpy.” 

“Ha ha, what are we doing?”

The bed creaked as he sat down on the edge of it. “We are going to cross some things off of that list of yours. So go get ready.” 

My eyes were closed but I still smiled. That list was now my happy place. I loved that he was determined to make sure that my last days were amazing.

“Get out so I can change.” 

“Feisty,” he wagged his brows. “Meet me in the garage when you’re done.”

***

It took me longer than normal to take a shower and get dressed. My daily routine wasn’t as easy as it used to be. On top of the cramping pain, I had to deal with morning sickness. It was dreadful. I had to keep running back and forth to the toilet in an attempt to vomit. Not a good feeling. I’d much rather just get sick, than constantly feel like I was going to.

Once the urge subsided I was ready. I slipped a pain pill into the zipper of my wallet and walked out to the garage to meet Bo. I’d forgotten to ask him what we were doing so I just wore my jogging pants and tee shirt. 

When I spotted the motorcycle, I was giddy. I’d never ridden on one before, and I was glad that he was willing to drive me around. He passed a black helmet over to me, and before I put it on I silently prayed that I wouldn’t get sick. Hopefully the fresh air would do me some good and not have the complete opposite effect on me.

“I’m kind of nervous,” I confessed. It wasn’t that he made me nervous. It was the two wheels, the open road, and the fact that there would be nothing except speed between us, and the asphalt. 

He lifted his leg over the bike taking a seat. “It’s okay to be nervous, but I promise not to hurt you. I’ll take it easy. If you don’t like it then I’ll let you off. No questions,” he assured me.

Don’t be a chicken Tori!

When he motioned for me to climb on, that’s what I did. I took a deep breath before the engine roared to life. 

“Hold on to me,” he called out over his shoulder.

I wrapped both of my arms around his waist where they were nearly meeting in front of him. My chest was pressed tightly against his back as I felt the wheels begin to move under us. I squeezed tighter. If I were hurting him, he never said so. He let me hold on for dear life. It was ironic because wrecking would only mean speeding up the inevitable, for me at least.

We pulled slowly out onto the main road, and I felt vibrations of the road as he picked up the speed. Though I knew he wasn’t going very fast, it felt like we were flying. My heart rate sped up, and I felt Bo’s hand touch mine. Reassurance I suppose, but I didn’t loosen my grip. It was scary. But it wasn’t scary in a bad way, if that makes sense. It felt more like a rush, like I drank an entire pot of coffee and my fingertips had feelings. When we reached a long stretch of straight road, Bo sped up. Not enough to scare me. I could tell. It was just enough to let me get the most of the experience. Slowly, I loosened my grip on him. With only one chance to experience this, that’s what I was going to do. I kept one arm around him as I let the other one go. My arm was anything but steady as I deliberately stretched it out to the side. The wind hit my arm as we continued to ride, and it was the first time in my life that I’d experienced anything like it. That free feeling like I was a bird in flight. I was carefree for that one brief moment in time. It was beyond amazing. It was exhilarating. 

We rode for a few more miles before we pulled into a parking lot. There was a neon green sign that read “Just Ink” hanging in the window. I was about to get tattooed. Two things marked off my list in one day. 

“What did you think of the ride?” Bo asked me as he slimbed off the bike. 

“So cool. I was so scared at first, but then something switched and I loved it. I really loved it. Thank you so much.”

He held out a hand for me to take, and I did. “You’re welcome. I knew that you’d love it. Come on, let’s get you a tattoo.”

Two crazy things in one day… I either had to be nuts or dying.

“This place looks closed,” I pointed out. The parking lot was empty.

“I know a guy who knows a guy,” he grinned. 

Bo opened the door and we walked inside. An older man probably in his fifties with a gray and white beard walked out from the back room. 

“Hey man,” Bo said shaking his hand. “This is Tori,” he introduced me. 

The man’s name was Michael and he seemed really nice. He led us to a secluded room with an examination type table and we talked about the tattoo I wanted. 

“Birds,” Michael said.

“Yeah.” I shook my head. “Lots of birds, maybe taking flight.”

“Where do you want it?”

“My back. I’d like to have them on my spine and then flying off of my shoulders.” When I looked at Bo, his eyes were big. “What?” I asked.

He answered, “That seems like a lot.”

“Go big or go home right?” I joked. 

Michael left the room to draw up the design I was asking for, and when he came back and showed me I was in awe. It was perfect. Yes it was big, and yes it was going to take up most of my shoulders, but it was exactly what I wanted. 

I wasn’t nervous, or scared about the tattoo. 

Needles I could do. 

Pain I could do.

And as it turns out, motorcycles I could do. 

I was making this to do list my bitch.

It took nearly three hours to finish my tattoo but it was so worth it. The finished product was perfect. Michael did an amazing job and it seemed so real. It hurt like hell, but the pain was a small price to pay.

When we got back to the house, I was careful not to move around too much. It felt like someone had clawed my back over and over. I made Bo take a picture with my phone so I could see it for myself, and I couldn’t stop looking at it. 

“This has been a freaking awesome day. We’ve marked two things off the list already,” I explained as I grabbed a bottle of water out of the refrigerator. 

“We’re not done yet. When Dad gets home we’re having a movie marathon. He’s already agreed.”

“Wait,” I said. “You’re Dad is going to watch all four of the Hunger Games movies with us. You’re kidding?”

“Nope. He said he’d love to. I think he’d pretty much do anything for you if you ask him.”

Wow!

How sweet was that? Benjamin deserved happiness, and it surprised me that he hadn’t found it yet. He was kind, and handsome, and everything a loving man should be, at least from what I could tell. I could easily see why Mom loved him. 

“The way we’re moving, we’ll be done with this list by the end of the day.”