I Can't Die Alone (13 page)

She passed away on a Monday night, two weeks before her twenty-first birthday. She was still asleep when her heart quit beating. I stayed by her side until her last breath, but the moment it was all over I couldn’t watch. I didn’t see her again until she was lying in the casket.

We had her body taken back to her hometown, and followed her instructions and her last wishes. She would have been happy with the way things turned out. We had a small burial, and my Dad’s friends from work all showed up to give their support and love. It was quite the turnout, and she would’ve been shocked if she could have seen it. They buried her right next to her mother, which was exactly what she wanted. 

It was a hard few days, but we made it through. If it weren’t for my Dad, then I don’t know how I would’ve done it. He was strong for me. He was my rock. We grieved together and talked about her a lot. It truly helped. 

After she was gone, Dad gave me a letter that she had written to me. He said that she didn’t want me to have it until after she was buried. It remained folded up in my wallet. I hadn’t read it yet, because I was waiting for the right time. 

If there ever was one. 

Before we traveled back home, we decided to go see her apartment. I thought maybe there would be something inside that I could keep that would remind me of her. Not that I’d ever forget. I just wanted to be sure that nothing important would be thrown away. I also promised that I’d check on her cat, and let them know what happened. 

Walking down the long, dark hallway, I thought about her being there. I could almost feel her presence. I put the key in the door and opened it. Dad followed me inside and closed the door behind us. The place was spotless. It looked brand new inside. Nothing was out of place. It wasn’t what I was expecting although I could smell her scent everywhere. 

“It’s so empty,” my Dad said. “If it weren’t for the furniture, you’d think no one lived here.”

I replied, “I was thinking the same thing. Doesn’t seem like her at all. I’m going to check the bedroom.”

The bed was made up, and the dresser had a couple of bottles of perfume sitting on top of it. Nothing was hanging on the bare, white walls. I leaped over the foot railing of the bed, diving onto the perfectly made covers. I ruffled them up real good before burying my head into her pillow. It smelled just like her, and I knew I had to take it with me. On the nightstand next to the bed was a framed photo. It was Tori and her Mom. I scooped it up along with the pillow and left her bed a mess. She was probably cursing me for it, or maybe she was laughing. I grabbed a bottle of her perfume off the dresser, and I noticed a little box sitting on the edge. When I opened it, there was a pair of earrings with little birds on them. My eyes watered at the sight of them. They were small and perfect just like her. I knew that they’d be the perfect reminder. It was all I needed. 

I walked back into the living room and sat down on the couch next to my Dad. “Here,” I said, handing him the picture I’d found in Tori’s room. “I’m sure she’d want you to have that.”

He ran his fingers over the glass and shook his head. “Gone too soon.” 

“Yeah,” I sighed.

“Did she tell you how much money she had?” Dad asked me.

“No.”

“My bank account balance this morning had over two hundred thousand dollars in it.” 

“Are you kidding me?”

He laughed. “I’m not. She gave me all that cash to take care of the funeral expenses, and she asked for my account numbers to do a transfer a while back. I didn’t want to take the money, and I tried to argue with her but she wouldn’t listen. I have no idea when the transfer took place. I’ll call the bank when I get back home.”

“I can’t believe she did that.”

“Me either, Son. She was such a sweet girl. It seems hard to take the money, knowing that it was hers.”

“I know. But she’d argue until you were blue in the face so it’s best to take it and shut up.”

Dad laughed. “I know. Come on. Let’s get out of here and go home.”

I nodded in agreement. “I have to stop at the neighbors’ real quick and check on her cat. I think she said his name was Duncan.”

We walked back down the hall to the neighbor’s door, and I knocked. A little girl answered.

“Hi,” she said in a sweet little voice.

“Hello, is your Mom home?” I questioned. Who let a little girl answer the door?

“Mom!” She yelled. I looked over my shoulder at my Dad and rolled my eyes. This little girl was a bundle of joy.

“Can I help you?” A dark haired lady asked when she stepped up to the doorway.

“Uh, yeah. We’re friends of Tori,” I pointed down the hall. “She passed away last week and I promised her I’d check on her cat.”

The lady turned around and walked away from the door. I stood there a bit puzzled wondering if maybe she was upset or if she didn’t want to talk to us anymore. The little girl stood there holding open the door. A few moments later the lady came back to the door carrying a fat cat. 

“Here,” she said handing the cat over. “Take the little shit head. The damn thing tore up my couch.” 

“But Mom,” the little girl whined just before the lady slammed the door shut in my face.

I stood there kind of dumbfounded at what had happened. The cat meowed in my arms, and Dad busted out laughing from behind me. It was an I-can’t-catch-my-breath kind of laughter. 

“This isn’t funny.” I groaned. “What am I going to do with a cat?”

He ruffled my hair. “You’re going to take care of him, Papa.” He smiled.

I grumbled under my breath, but he was right. This was Tori’s cat and I’d take care of him as if he were my own. And I guess now he was mine. 

Me. 

The non-cat person…

“Damn woman,” I grumbled into the air. “Come on Duncan. Let’s go home.” 

Six Months Later

Duncan and I had developed a mutual relationship. We had our daily routine, and he slept on Tori’s pillow in the bed next to me every night. At first I hated it. He was always getting too close in my personal space, but I guess I grew to love the little fellow. I even talked to him, like he was a kid or something. He came with me to “our” park bench nearly every day, and he sat in my lap while we watched the birds. Every time we were there he’d hiss at the dogs, and he always made me smile. He was the little piece of Tori that reminded me of her every single day. We were fast friends, and my hatred of cats diminished. 

It had been six months to the day that I’d buried her, and my heart seemed to be healing a little more each day. I still missed her like crazy, and it still hurt, but I was getting by. I kept all of our photographs hanging on the wall of the spare bedroom. I started sleeping in there immediately because I had such a hard time being in the bed where she died. If that meant I was weak, then so be it. She told me once to remember the good times and not the bad, so that’s what I tried to do. That bed was bad times, and I couldn’t force myself to lay in it ever again.

I had already decided this morning that when I went to the park bench today, I’d read the letter that Tori wrote to me. It was still folded and untouched in my wallet, and I felt like I was ready to read it. Maybe not completely ready, but I was going to try to be. 

I sat Duncan next to me in Tori’s spot on the bench and pulled out my leather wallet. 

I could do this.

Unfolding the papers, I silently read the letter to myself.

Dear Bo,

What an incredible journey I’ve been on these last couple of months. No one would ever believe me if I tried to tell the story over again. It’s special to me, though. 

If you’re reading this, then I’m gone now. I’ve gone to be with my Mom. I miss her a lot, and can’t wait to see her. I wrote this letter to you the night after my surprise birthday party. Which was so much fun, and I can’t thank you enough for it. The reason I’m writing to you is because I’m afraid that I won’t get to tell you all the things that I wanted you to hear before I’m gone. The days are getting harder, and even now, writing this letter is hard for me to do. I can barely hold the pen steady, so it looks like a kindergartner wrote this. Hope you don’t mind.

When I set out on my journey, I had one thing on my mind. And I promise you that finding love wasn’t it. (LOL) I wanted to meet the man that loved my Mother and I prayed that he’d be selfless enough to share my last days with me since I had no one else. I honestly thought that it’d be like finding a needle in a haystack. I never suspected that I’d find Benjamin, and that he’d be so wonderful. It was like having a Dad that took care of me. He did so, with his whole heart. He loved me when I had no other family. It takes a special kind of Man to do that. 

Along the way, I met you. You were fast-talking, experienced, man-bun, with the sexiest face I’d ever seen. You swooped right into my graces like a bird. I thought that there was no way someone like you would ever be interested in someone like me. I didn’t want to admit it at first, but I had the biggest crush. When you said that you were going to call, I truly hoped you wouldn’t. I didn’t want to get caught up in the losing my heart drama. I didn’t want anyone to get close enough to me to get hurt, because I knew what was going to happen. You did it anyway though. You stole my heart right out of my chest. You big thief! 

When I pictured my last days on earth, I thought I’d be alone. I never suspected that I’d gain love, and friendship, and the most fun I’d ever had. But I got all of that with you. I hope that you will always know how much you impacted my life. Carry that with you always. 

As I lay here dying, the only thing I can say that matters is I LOVE YOU. I love you so much that I wish I didn’t have to die. I wish that I could marry you, and have kids, and buy a house with a big backyard. I wish that I could grow old with you, and watch your long hair turn gray. But I can’t. You’ll always be in my heart as hopefully, I am in yours. I want you to take the money I left you and go back to school. I want you to meet someone new and fall in love again. I want you to have lots of beautiful babies. It is in your cards. You will not die a young man. You’ll grow old and experience life to the fullest. I want that for you so badly. Please make it happen. It’s my last wish.

Thank you again for loving me and kissing me and showing me a piece of the world that I never got to see before you. I love you with all of my heart and soul, and I hope that one day I’ll see you again. 

Spread your wings Bo, and soar.

All my love,

Your Tori

The end

Dear Candice,

If you’re reading this, I want you to know I’m okay. I’m safe and alive. This foreign soil is much different, and I find myself lying awake many nights thinking of you. Things between us ended as quickly as they started, and so many things were left unsaid.

My Mom said that she’d heard you moved back to Carolina, and she was going to try her best to track down your address for me. I mailed this letter home to her, but I hope that it is able to reach you at some point. I need you to know that I haven’t forgotten about you, that I pray each night that I make it home safely so that I can see your face again. 

I wish things would’ve happened differently, but I know everything happens for a reason. I chose to fight for my country and you chose to see the world. Our paths were going in such different directions, but I’ve always hoped that they’d lead us back to one another. 

I loved you. I still love you. You are the light that keeps me going. Every day is a battle, but I know I can survive because of you. 

The dust is heavy here. The noise is earth shattering and at times I’m scared. I’m not afraid to admit it. But even though I’m scared of the things I see, the screams I hear, and the outcome of tomorrow, I am most scared of never seeing you again. 

Somewhere along the line, we lost sight of things that mattered most. Maybe it was because we were young and naïve. Maybe it was because we had our priorities mixed up. But I carry the weight heavily in my heart. The regret. The hurt. It’s all I think about. I want you to forgive me. Please forgive me, and the way we parted.

As I lie here on my bunk each night, I think about our last summer together. I wonder if you think about it too. It was the most fun I’ve had in my whole life, Candice. The concerts, the water fights, the late night dinners. I will never forget those memories. Thank you for that. If not for you, I wouldn’t have these wonderful thoughts to get me through the long, hot nights. 

I sure hope this letter finds you, and that you always remember how much I love you. No matter what! Through the good times, and bad, and for all the years to come, please remember. I love you my sweetheart. There is a special place in my heart for you always. 

Until I see you again. 

All my love,

 Benjamin 

I have so many people to thank. First I need to thank my husband. He’s been a rock through this entire book. I love you babe, and I’m so glad you’re on my team. Also my kiddos whom I love more than anything, they’ve been such troopers. We’ve had a few less movie nights, but they’ve been so understanding. We’ll make up for lost time with lots of movies and swimming. I can’t wait.

To my best friend Micalea, you are my partner in crime. I love you so much. Even though I tell you all the time, I seriously don’t know what I’d do without you. You’re one of my biggest supporters and it means the world to me. Can’t wait to see you again soon.

The cover designer for this book Regina Wamba is a genius. I was originally going to use this cover for a dystopian book but changed my mind, and I’m so glad I did. She worked her magic and the cover turned out perfect. Love you Regina!

My beta readers who’ve been with me through many books, Raquel and Shelby, I love you girls. Thank you for working with me on another story. I trust your opinions and love your input. Thank you so much!

My street team “Regina’s Royals” is filled with some wonderful women. I love you all so much and I can’t thank you enough for all of your support. You’re all Royal in my book.