I am Rebecca (9 page)

LESSONS FINISHED FOR
the year in mid-December. The market was busier than usual. The days before Christmas seemed to be hard for worldly people. When we ran out of chickens, two different customers spoke harshly to us.

‘Do not take it to heart, sisters,’ Enoch said to us. ‘Out there they’ll be rushing around thinking about all the worldly things they have to get done in the next few days. It makes them forget the Lord.’

Mrs Lipscombe, though, seemed to relish the bustle. She gave us chocolate Santas wrapped in bright paper. ‘To hang on your tree,’ she said. The bag she put them into was printed with red and green patterns. It was pretty.

We thanked her and didn’t tell her we didn’t believe in decorations, Christmas trees or presents. On Christmas day we would worship the Lord and give thanks for the birth of His Son.

We put the gift in our basket. ‘Let’s keep the bag,’ I said. ‘We’ll give it to Magdalene next time she gets upset.’

IN THE NEW YEAR
, we learnt that Kezia was pregnant. She listened while we congratulated her, but just replied with, ‘Praise the Lord,’ and walked away. She was part of the adult world now and not interested in the opinions of unmarried girls.

‘Do you think she’s happy?’ I whispered to Rachel.

She shook her head. ‘She’s resigned to her fate. She’s not loud and bossy any more.’

But Kezia the rebel hadn’t completely vanished. She made Ira wait till nearly all the other men had their cups of tea before she came to get his. She didn’t put sugar in it either, and we all knew Ira loved his tea very sweet.

‘I wonder what he’s done to anger her,’ Talitha murmured. ‘I feel guilty about her. She should not have had to marry him.’

That night, I said to Rachel, ‘D’you think the Elders were wrong to make Kezia marry Ira? She’s a better wife for him than Talitha would have been, but is that a good enough reason?’

‘It’s good because Kezia’s strong enough to make sure he leads a godly life. But …’ Her voice faded away.

I sighed. ‘Yeah. I know. I keep thinking of trying to explain it all to Mrs Lipscombe. She’d throw a fit, Rachel. You know she would.’

She giggled. ‘Imagine if she knew we were betrothed! I reckon the whole market would hear her screeching!’

I didn’t know why we kept having these conversations — they always went round and round in the same rut. Yes, it wasn’t right that girls couldn’t choose who they would marry, but we also knew the worldly way of choosing a life partner was haphazard and led to much unhappiness and immorality.

Rachel checked to make sure Magdalene and Zillah were both sound asleep before she whispered, ‘I want Saul and me to be different from our parents.’ She dropped her voice even further. ‘Father never discusses things with Mother. They never laugh together either — actually, I’ve never ever heard Father laugh. Is that wicked of me?’

I shook my head. ‘Of course not.’ But my body felt hollow. She’d thought about being married — about what she wanted. I preferred to keep it a vague happening for some time a long way in the future. I breathed in, then out. ‘I think happy people find it easier to be godly. I think we’ll be able to uphold the Rule even if we do discuss things with our husbands. The Rule doesn’t say we can’t laugh — it just says
we must behave at all times in a seemly manner. Well, I believe it’s seemly to laugh and smile.’

‘I think so, too. Rebecca, are you happy to have Malachi as your husband?’

Again, I felt a thump of hollowness in my stomach. ‘Yes. I think I’m fortunate. He makes me feel as if he values me.’

She nodded, satisfied — although, really I didn’t know him much better than when he’d sent me the message through Saul. All five couples were allowed to spend half an hour in each other’s company every Sunday but always we had to have a sharp-eyed married adult with us. I found the sessions excruciating. I knew Rachel looked forward to simply being in the same room as Saul.

AT THE FIRST MEET
of the new year, when the time came for the business discussions, the Elders asked Brother Demas to tell us all about a new system of companion planting that was being introduced at the organic farm. He stood, but didn’t walk to the stage. ‘With your permission, Elders, I will ask Brother Malachi to speak of this. He is the one who has done the research and he understands it fully.’

Malachi walked to the stage. He was dressed like all the other men in his Sunday dark suit and white shirt — they fitted well enough, but I suspected he much preferred his work clothes of heavy boots
and rolled-up sleeves. It was easy to see by his tanned skin and sun-bleached hair that he was an outdoors man.

I was anxious for him — it was a challenging thing to speak in front of everyone, though he didn’t seem to be nervous. He spoke well, and we could hear the love for his work in his voice. I was proud of him and deeply grateful he had chosen me.

When we got home, Father said, ‘He is a fine young man, Rebecca. The Lord has blessed you and your sister.’

ONCE SCHOOL STARTED AGAIN
in February, life fell into a quiet rhythm. Sister Jerushah came to class week after week, even though it was increasingly clear her health was failing.

Kezia’s pregnancy became more obvious. Mother told us the baby would be born in June. She seemed excited, and we thought she dreamed of her own grandchildren to come. The month would bring change for Rachel and me too. We’d turn fifteen, which meant we’d work in the nursery on Sundays instead of in the kitchen. It would be our duty to care for the under-fives while their mothers attended worship.

Mother said, ‘I have heard that worldly women
find out what the baby is before it is born. I cannot understand why they would want to know. Every child is a blessing from the Lord.’ She shook her head as if to rid it of thoughts about worldly women. ‘You will find it so interesting to watch how a baby grows and changes. You will enjoy being in the nursery and it will be excellent training for you. The Elders are very wise.’

I asked Rachel later, ‘Will you be sorry to miss a year of Sunday worship?’

She checked to make sure Mother was busy with Zillah. ‘It’ll be a relief. Elder Stephen always makes me feel I’ve been wicked. I know he has to keep us on the path to salvation, but I get terrified every time he speaks.’

I took another shirt off the clothesline. ‘When he looks at me I always feel like a lowly worm who doesn’t deserve to be alive. I know I disappoint him.’ I watched the shirt fall into the basket at my feet. ‘But I don’t know why.’

All the same, we were lucky to have such a strong leader who made sure we kept our minds turned to the Lord.

THE THIRD SATURDAY
in June was cold and clear. Mrs Lipscombe brought us drinks of hot chocolate. We thanked her but didn’t tell her that today was our fifteenth birthday.

When we got home that afternoon, Mother was watching for us. ‘Kezia’s labour has started. Ira took her to the hospital at midday.’

‘Is all well?’ Rachel took her arm and guided her to a chair. ‘Are you worried about her?’

Mother shook her head. ‘I am being foolish. It is just that every birth reminds me … but the hospital will care for her. She is healthy.’

Home births had gone out of fashion amongst the community after Mother had so nearly died. We hadn’t realised she worried like this for other women, though.

We looked for Ira at the temple the following morning but he wasn’t there. Drusilla whispered, ‘Kezia’s had the baby. Seven o’clock this morning. It’s a girl.’

Elder Stephen announced the birth and then preached about the sacred duty of motherhood.

‘Pregnancy and childbirth are natural processes. It is written that women shall bring forth their children in pain. Seek not to go against the word of the Lord.’

When we were in the kitchen, Abigail whispered, ‘What’s the betting Kezia had pain relief?’

Drusilla nodded. ‘Mother said she demanded it. Ira said she couldn’t have it and she just about yelled the place down. The doctor gave it to her and made Ira wait outside.’

Ira must have told Elder Stephen.

Kezia’s baby was baptised in July. The name Ira
chose for her was Mara, although perhaps Kezia had chosen it. It meant bitter.

AT HOME, LIFE WAS PEACEFUL
. In a little over a year, Rachel and I would be married to Saul and Malachi. It no longer seemed strange, and my stomach had stopped getting a hollow feeling whenever I thought about it.

Father seemed less anxious about the behaviour of his children these days, too, and we thought it was because of Abraham’s interest in the machinery at the hire centre. At dinner, our brother would sometimes become pre-occupied, then he’d put down his knife and fork and say, ‘Father, I’ve been thinking about …’ and he’d go off into a technical discussion about a cherry-picker, or a harvester, and why it had broken down.

Father never growled at him for talking too much, but listened attentively even when we could see he didn’t know as much about machinery as Abraham did.

It was a blessing, because it took his attention away from Zillah. She was only two but Father seemed to expect her to be able to conduct herself as if she was twelve. Rachel and I sat her between us, helping her or stopping her questions by whispering, ‘Ask us later.’

One night, when Zillah was asleep, Magdalene
asked, ‘Do you think Mother will have any more babies?’

We’d wondered too, but if we’d asked she’d have only smiled and said
If it is the Lord’s will
.

‘We don’t know,’ I told her, ‘but we think she won’t. We think the hospital must have told Father it was too dangerous for her to have any more.’

Magdalene frowned over that for a bit. ‘I don’t understand how you can say you won’t have any more. What if the Lord wants her to have another baby?’

‘Darling Magdalene,’ Rachel said, ‘believe me, if we knew the answers we’d tell you.’

‘Will you find out when you’re married? Can’t you have a baby unless you’re married?’

I looked at Rachel but she mouthed,
Your turn.

Thanks, sister.

We knew so little ourselves. ‘Mother says our husbands will tell us what we need to know. We don’t know how they find out, though, and she won’t tell you, so it’s no good asking.’ I stopped, hoping she’d forget about the other question.

Of course, she didn’t. ‘But can you only have a baby if you’re married? The cows on the farm have babies and they don’t have husbands.’

Oh well, I would do my best. ‘Yes, people can have babies when they’re not married, but it’s a very bad thing to do.’

Our little sister’s eyes widened. ‘Is it a sin? Does it mean those ladies will burn in hell?’

Rachel came to my rescue. ‘It’s bad because a baby needs a mother and a father. It’s a worldly sin — it doesn’t happen with our people, so you don’t need to worry.’

It wasn’t a satisfying conversation for her or for us. Kezia now knew the mysteries of the marriage bed and babies, but there was no way she’d tell us even if we had the courage to ask her. We did know, though, that she’d take great delight in making it clear she was now an adult and we were mere children.