I am Rebecca (12 page)

THE ELDERS DECIDED
our final market day would be the second Saturday of February. As we waited for Enoch on our last morning, I said, ‘It’ll be strange not going out on Saturdays. I’m going to miss it so much.’

Rachel’s face got the dreamy look that meant she was thinking about Saul. ‘Me too. But it won’t be long before we’re married. Five months.’

‘Just don’t tell Mrs Lipscombe that! When d’you reckon we should give her the tablecloth?’

‘How about we wait till right at the end? There won’t be time for a big fuss then.’

Perhaps the Lord set out to make it a special occasion, because Enoch was especially kind to us and the day was full of unusual happenings. The man with the alpaca turned up again and led it right through the lanes. Then just before lunch a woman with her hair in dreads bought eggs from us, and as
she walked away we saw that her dog had dreads as well. All our customers were cheerful and even seemed to go out of their way to be nice to us.

As we helped pack up, I said to Enoch, ‘We have made a gift for Mrs Lipscombe. May we give it to her now?’

His face grew stern, but before he could speak, Rachel said, ‘We have our father’s permission to do this.’

That got us a smile. ‘Of course you have. You are good girls. Off you go.’

Mrs Lipscombe had almost packed up her own stall, but she stopped working when she saw us coming.

Rachel handed her the parcel. ‘This is to thank you for everything. Today was our last day.’

She gave us a sharp look before she opened it. ‘My dear girls! This is beautiful! Such exquisite work! I shall treasure it. And you can be sure I’ll keep my eye on those new little girls too. But it’s not going to be the same without you two across the lane from me.’

We were quiet as Enoch drove us home. We would miss her. We would miss the colour and bustle of the market. We would miss being out in the world.

BUT THERE WAS MUCH
to do at home. On the next Saturday, Father drove us into town with Mother to buy the fabric for our wedding gowns. Magdalene
and Zillah, bubbling with excitement, came too.

Mother chose a fabric we could later cut up for baby gowns. It was plain white, and she held it up to the light to make sure she couldn’t see through it.

A sharp memory of Kezia’s gorgeous petticoat showing through her filmy gown stabbed my mind. I said a quick prayer for her.

‘Now for your petticoats,’ Mother said. She pulled out a bolt of fabric. ‘Do you like this? Or this one?’

We stared first at the fabric, then at each other and finally at her. ‘Mother, those are both beautiful. But they are patterned!’

Our mother smiled. ‘And nobody will see them. Your gowns will be plain and modest. But every girl needs something pretty on her wedding day. We do not need to worry your father with the details of your outfits.’

‘No! Of course not!’

Rachel chose the fabric edged with lacy scallops. I asked for the one sewn all over with small starbursts. Magdalene touched them both, her eyes shining. ‘May I have the scraps, Mother?’

‘We will see,’ Mother said.

We would explain to Magdalene later that it would be wise not to let Father see any of the patterned material.

We helped Mother cut out the dresses after school, and I took the bodice with me to sew the buttonholes when I sat with Sister Jerushah on Thursday. She lay still, and it seemed to me her soul
had already departed. I prayed it was in heaven, that she had found salvation. I prayed too that Elder Stephen wouldn’t come to ask me more impossible questions. He stayed away.

The next Sunday, Malachi came stomping into the nursery at lunchtime. His face was tight and angry. I hurried towards him.

‘Malachi! What is wrong? Have the Elders changed their minds about the herbs?’

He gave a snort of rage. ‘If only! No, I’ve been
reassigned
.’

I stared at him. ‘What do you mean? I do not understand.’

He slumped down on a chair, elbows on the table and his head in his hands. ‘It’s Elder Stephen’s latest bright idea. We need another plumber, according to him.’

‘He is taking you away from the gardens? Oh, Malachi, that is dreadful.’ I wanted to reach out to take his hands, but Sister Judith had her beady eyes on us.

He straightened up and looked at me. ‘I can’t do it, Rebecca. I can’t live that sort of life. I need living things — I need to work with plants. I need to be outside with the earth under my feet, not stuck down a drain or up on a roof.’

All my attention was on the man I was to marry. ‘What are you saying? Malachi, what do you mean?’

He didn’t seem to take in my questions. ‘Brother Demas is going to talk to him. It won’t make any
difference, though. He says he’s prayed about it and this is what the Lord has guided him to do.’

‘Malachi — please! You can still lead a good life. We can have a garden.’

He shrugged his shoulders, turned and left me staring after him.

All the rest of the long afternoon I prayed for Elder Stephen to listen to Brother Demas and change his mind.

BROTHER DEMAS DID ASK
the Elders to reconsider. ‘I need Malachi,’ he told them. ‘He is the one with the knowledge. He is the one with the love for growing things.’

But the Elders deferred to Elder Stephen, and he would not change his mind. ‘This is what the Lord has guided me to do. This is the will of the Lord.’

It was the worst week of my life. Sister Jerushah died on Tuesday night. Her funeral was on Thursday, but we had to care for the little ones during the service and didn’t get the chance to farewell her.

Malachi walked out of my life on Sunday.

He came to the nursery early. Sister Judith growled
at him. He ignored her. I walked outside with him and we stood together in the sunshine.

‘I can’t stay in the Fellowship. I’m sorry, Rebecca. So very sorry.’

All week I’d been thinking of what to say if it came to this. ‘Malachi, think of your immortal soul. Please, do not turn away from the path to salvation.’

The same as the week before, my words didn’t touch him.
This can’t be happening, it just can’t
.

‘We are to be married, Malachi. You gave your word. Your solemn word.’

Instead of answering me, he reached out and touched my cheek. ‘We’d have been good together. I’m truly sorry.’ Then he was gone.

Sister Judith came storming out. ‘Sister Rebecca! You will confess your immodest behaviour to your father. Talking to your betrothed in secret. Letting him touch you!’

Rachel had her arm around me. ‘Sister Judith, please stop. It is not kind or seemly to speak like that to my sister right now. I am going to take her home.’

IT TOOK DAYS
for the fuss to die down — many days and thousands of tears. Mother put my wedding dress away. Father, his face sterner than usual, said, ‘I am sorry, Rebecca. I believed him to be a good man.’

‘I thought so too.’ I was angry — angry with Malachi for abandoning me and furious with Elder
Stephen for making him do it. I hid my true feelings from my parents. I couldn’t bear the thought of Father praying over me, begging the Lord to send me acceptance of my lot.

Abraham was furious too, but not with Malachi. When our parents weren’t around he said, ‘It’s Elder Stephen’s fault. The Lord guided him! Yeah right.’

Luke gave me a piece of blue sea-glass he’d found. ‘I’m sorry, Rebecca. I’m sorry you’re sad.’

Magdalene said very little, but she stayed close to me or Rachel, holding our skirts when she could. Only Zillah was her usual wilful self.

But life had to go on. At school the day after he’d left, Sister Anna said, ‘I am sorry for your loss, Rebecca. I have prayed for you.’

‘Thank you, Sister Anna.’

At break, I sat as usual with our friends in a far corner of the rough grounds. Tirzah took my hands. ‘I am so sorry, Rebecca. Laban told me he asked his father to reconsider. But Elder Stephen said it was the will of the Lord.’

Drusilla said, ‘David said he couldn’t understand it. It doesn’t make sense to take Malachi away from the gardens.’

Abigail was silent and looked uncomfortable. Rachel prodded her with a finger. ‘What? What is it you don’t want to tell us?’

Abigail shook her head. ‘It’s nothing.’

‘Please tell me,’ I said. ‘My imagination will come up with something far worse if you don’t.’

She sighed. ‘Very well. But it’s no more than a thought — a suspicion. My father said he wonders if Elder Stephen has done this because he
knew
Malachi would leave if he couldn’t work in the gardens. My father—’

Rachel prodded her again. ‘Keep going. You have to finish it now.’

‘My father thinks Elder Stephen wants Ira married again.’

I just sat there, shaking my head. ‘No. Not that. I couldn’t.’

Abigail snatched my hand. ‘Rebecca! It’s all right — please, it’s probably not true.’

Drusilla said, ‘It doesn’t make sense. Malachi’s knowledge was much more valuable than Ira’s. Why not just get rid of Ira?’

‘Ira must be valuable to Elder Stephen, though,’ Rachel said. ‘There’s nobody else with his computer skills.’

‘There would be if the Elders would let us go to proper schools,’ Tirzah muttered. Then she blushed — Elder Stephen was going to be her father-in-law. She jumped to her feet. ‘Break’s over. Rebecca, I’ll ask Laban if he knows anything about the Ira thing.’

‘Would you?’

I did no useful study for the rest of the day. I couldn’t marry Ira but, if I refused him, I would be marked forever as someone who went against the will of the Lord. I would be looked down on, treated with contempt. For a woman, refusing to marry
meant she was refusing to fulfil the Lord’s purpose for her. I would lose the respect of all except for those who really loved me. The Elders would never give me another chance.

I’d be like Talitha, neither of us fitting comfortably into the adult world or into the world of children. Like her, I would have to respond the moment anyone said they needed me. She was happy to live a life of selfless service. I was not. I wanted my future back.

That night, Rachel said, ‘You can’t marry Ira, Rebecca. You simply can’t. Make Father protect you. Talitha’s family protected her, and Elder Stephen listened.’

I leaned against her. ‘Do you think Father would refuse to obey Elder Stephen though? He’d say it was the will of the Lord.’

‘Make Mother support you,’ said my fierce sister. ‘She might do it too. Think about those petticoats — it just shows she can go against Father if she really wants to.’

I let out a huge sigh. ‘I’m going to miss you so much.’

‘We can still talk. I won’t be far away.’

Saul had found them a house about fifteen minutes’ walk from ours. But it wouldn’t be the same. My sister would be a married woman and her first loyalty would be to her husband.

WE
HAD TO WAIT
until after the midday meal on Sunday to discover from Tirzah if Laban had any news about the Ira question. Talitha shooed us outside. ‘I’ll keep an eye on this lot. Off you go, all of you.’

Tirzah settled a small girl on a swing, talking as she did so. ‘No joy, I’m afraid. He asked if Ira would ever be considered again as a fit husband, but his father told him it wasn’t his concern and to trust in the will of the Lord. Then Elder Stephen prayed for him to be an obedient son and not to question the will of the Lord or his Elders. He said he was on his knees for half an hour at least.’

A good way to stop your kids asking questions
.

A week ago, I’d have been ashamed of that thought. Now I wasn’t — I felt the truth of it. ‘Please thank him for me, Tirzah. It was kind of him.’

Her face brightened. ‘He is kind. He’s more like Sister Jerushah than Elder Stephen. He grieves for her terribly.’

Drusilla said, ‘Ira’s still married to Kezia. They’d have to get divorced before he can marry again. Doesn’t that take ages? Years and years?’

‘It could take forever if they can’t find her,’ Abigail said.

‘Please pray for that,’ I said.

WE LEFT SCHOOL
when we turned sixteen at the end of June. The weddings would take place in four
weeks. Those of us looking after the children were allowed to attend the wedding service if either the bride or groom was a family member. Rachel said, ‘I’ll understand if you want to stay away.’

‘I’ll be there. I want to wish you both well. I don’t want to miss your wedding, Rachel.’

It took all the strength of my will to get through those weeks. The thing that gave me the courage to face each day was knowing Rachel hurt for me just as much as I hurt for myself. It wasn’t fair. She should have been able to enjoy these last days with her family. She should have been able to look forward with unclouded happiness to becoming Saul’s wife.

Tirzah, Drusilla and Abigail were careful around me as the wedding day grew nearer. I’d almost have preferred it if they’d chatted happily about their dresses, their honeymoon plans and the houses their men had found for them.

Talitha was the only one other than Rachel who didn’t find it awkward to be in my presence. After Malachi left, she’d said, ‘I’m sorry, Rebecca. I will pray for you.’ And from then on, she behaved as usual. I sought out her company at the nursery. She was soothing to be around. It was comforting to know I’d still have a friend when the others moved into their new lives.

The wedding preparations followed the custom of our people. The Monday two weeks before the weddings was the day the young couples went to the city to buy the girls’ wedding rings. They were
always accompanied by their mothers.

I put a smile on my face as Father drove them away. My task was to care for Zillah. I took her to the park, where I pushed her swing higher than would be thought seemly. We whirled until we were giddy on the merry-go-round. Zillah laughed and shouted.

‘Enjoy it while you can, little sister,’ I whispered.

On the last Sunday before the weddings, I dawdled in the playground at lunchtime, trying to think of an excuse to stay outside. Rachel came looking for me.

‘Laban wants to talk to you. He’s looking pretty worried, Rebecca.’ She looked worried too.

We hurried inside, pretending not to see Sister Judith’s scowl.

I slipped into the empty seat beside Laban. He talked without looking at me — Sister Judith would put a stop to any conversation between a girl and boy who weren’t betrothed.

‘Sister Rebecca, Father told me a lawyer representing Kezia has sent divorce papers to Ira.’ He glanced at Sister Judith, who was still glaring in our direction. ‘I asked him if he thought Ira should marry again. He said the subject was not something I needed to concern myself about. I am sorry, I would have liked to bring you better news.’

He looked so unhappy I forgot my own distress for a moment. ‘Thank you for trying. It was good of you.’

‘You can’t marry Ira,’ Rachel whispered fiercely later.

I didn’t answer. We could be wrong. I prayed Elder Stephen wouldn’t ask such a sacrifice of me.