I am Rebecca

When she turns 14, Rebecca will find out who she is to marry. All the girls in her strict religious sect must be married just after their 16th birthdays.

Her twin sister Rachel desperately wants to marry the boy she’s given her heart to. All Rebecca wants is to have a husband who is kind. But both girls know the choice is not theirs to make.

But what will the future hold for Rebecca? Is there a dark side to the rules that have kept her safe? Can the way ahead be so simple when the community is driven by secrets and hidden desires?

This powerful psychological thriller, set in a cult community, is a sequel to the much-loved bestseller
I am not Esther
, which has been in print since 1998, selling internationally. Once again, award-winning Fleur Beale keeps readers on the edge of their seats with her gripping, tautly written new novel
I am Rebecca
.

Caleb
father

Naomi
mother

Daniel
eldest son, expelled from the family and from the Children of the Faith

Miriam
eldest daughter, also expelled

Esther (real name Kirby Greenland)
Caleb’s niece who was brought into the family. She had not been raised in the Faith and was expelled at the same time as Daniel

Rebecca, Rachel
twins, aged 13

Abraham
11

Luke
7

Magdalene
5

Zillah
5 months

Abigail

Tirzah

Drusilla

Talitha

Kezia

Ira

Laban

Saul

Barnabas

Malachi

David

Elder Stephen
Leader of the Children of the Faith

Elder Hosea
second-in-command to Elder Stephen

Elder Asa

Sister Jerushah
wife of Elder Stephen

Sister Leah
supervisor at the community’s school in Nelson

Sister Anna
supervisor at the community’s school in Nelson

Mrs Lipscombe
a worldly woman who sells sweets at the market

Katherine Salford
a nurse

THE LETTER LAY ON THE TABLE
between my plate and Rachel’s. Both our names were on the envelope — Miss Rebecca Pilgrim and Miss Rachel Pilgrim. It had been slit neatly across the top.

‘Who has written to us, Father?’ Rachel asked.

‘May we read it?’

Our father paused in his eating. ‘When you have finished your meal and helped your mother with the chores.’

‘Thank you, Father.’

The rest of breakfast passed in silence, although we could tell our younger brothers and sister were bursting with curiosity too.

Father pushed back his chair. ‘Children, you have my permission to say goodbye to your teachers. I have informed them you will attend a godly school henceforth.’

We were quiet until he left the room, then Abraham said, ‘Read the letter! Quick!’

Mother shook her head at him. ‘Do you want your sisters to break the Rule by disobeying your father, Abraham? Shame on you. You can confess your sin to him, or you can do the dishes by yourself. Which do you choose?’

He chose the dishes.

Mother smiled at my sister and me. ‘Read the letter, daughters. Your brother will do your chores.’

We flattened the paper on the table, where we could both see it. In a clear voice that Abraham would be able to hear from the kitchen, I began reading.

‘That was a kind thought,’ Mother said.

RACHEL AND I WAITED
until our classmates had left at the end of the day to speak to our teacher.

‘Mr Brymer, we want to thank you very much for teaching us,’ I said.

‘Thank you for being so kind to us, sir,’ Rachel said.

‘You’re terrific girls. It’s been an absolute delight to teach you.’ He heaved a deep sigh and it was easy to see there was much he wanted to say to us, but in the end he just said, ‘I wish you well. Pop along and see Mr Clauson — he wants a word before you go.’

As we walked to the principal’s office, Rachel said, ‘I hate saying goodbye. I wish we could just leave and
everyone would forget we had ever been here.’

‘If only! You know, Nelson is going to be so different,’ I said. ‘It will be odd to be at a school with no worldly people.’

It would be good though — for the first time ever, we’d look and speak the same as our classmates. Here, almost all us girls of the Faith shortened our skirts by turning over the waistbands, even if it was against the Rule to wear immodest clothing. We did it to avoid being teased and we believed the Lord did not mind.

Mr Clauson’s door was open. ‘Ah! Come in, girls. Let me guess who is which.’ He pointed at me. ‘Rachel?’

I shook my head, smiling.

‘Wrong again! Sit down. Good. I’ve got something for you. I hope you’ll like it.’ He handed me a big manila envelope. ‘Don’t open it now. Wait till you get home.’ His smile faded. ‘Rebecca. Rachel. Make the most of all the education you can get. You’re clever girls, both of you. Daniel and Miriam are out in the world now, using their brains. Your brains are just as good as theirs.’

We flinched to hear the names of our banished brother and sister. He didn’t notice.

We got to our feet, both of us at the same time without needing to check with each other.

‘Thank you, sir. We have to go now,’ Rachel said.

Mr Clauson rubbed his hands over his face, and it was some moments before he spoke. ‘Good luck
then. And always remember, you’ve got good brains. Don’t waste them.’

‘No, sir. Thank you for your concern.’

We almost ran from the room.

‘What do you think is in the envelope?’ Rachel asked as we headed home.

I shrugged. ‘A certificate of wonderfulness probably.’

‘I hope not,’ my sister said.

So did I. Our father would frown, and pray for us to be spared the sin of vanity.

WE GAVE THE ENVELOPE
to Mother.

‘Put it on the table,’ she said. ‘Your father will open it when we have eaten.’

As we went about our afternoon chores, the envelope sat there, mysterious and sealed. Whenever Abraham passed one of us, he had a different idea about what it might contain.

‘It’s gotta be money,’ he said as I was getting the washing in.

‘It’s a letter to our new school,’ he told Rachel while she was changing Zillah’s nappy.

His guesses got crazier the closer it got to Father coming home. ‘Well, if it’s not a treasure map, it has be a design for a gizmo to teleport us back to Wanganui.’

Magdalene and Luke said little, but each of them looked at the envelope often, questions in their eyes.

Father came home. He said grace. We ate, and he didn’t mention the envelope until we children had cleared away the plates and done the dishes. ‘Who gave you this, daughters?’

‘Mr Clauson, Father. He said he hoped we would like it.’

‘Abraham, fetch the letter opener from my desk.’

Our brother scurried to obey.

Father slid the blade under the flap to slit the top. We were silent as he pulled out a sheet of paper. It was blank. Abraham gave a hiss of disappointment, then Father turned it over.

I caught a glimpse of brightness and of lightly sketched figures before he crushed the paper in both hands. I noticed the colour drain from Mother’s face. None of us children dared move.

He bent his gaze on Rachel and me. ‘You knew what that worldly man gave you?’ It was clear he believed we did.

‘No, Father. We did not know,’ Rachel said.

‘The envelope was sealed. We did not open it and we did not ask questions.’ My heart hurt. He should know we wouldn’t do anything to distress him.

It seemed he believed us. ‘Of course you did not. I apologise. I will pray to the Lord for forgiveness.’

Before Rachel or I could stop her, Magdalene said, ‘I do not understand! What was it?’

Father’s face grew grim again, but Rachel and I spoke together before he could say anything else. ‘Father, may we explain to Magdalene? We will pray
with her for forgiveness.’

We watched him, hoping he wouldn’t make her spend tomorrow in the discipline room. Then I remembered we were leaving for Nelson in the morning. None of us would pass any more days in that tiny room, although we guessed the house we were going to would have a similar space.

Magdalene was shrinking in her chair by the time he finally spoke. ‘Magdalene, go with your sisters. Listen to them. Pray with them and then you will go to bed.’

She bowed her head. It was an hour earlier than her normal bedtime but she’d had a lucky escape.

The three of us left the room just as Father stood up. ‘I will burn this piece of godlessness.’ His eyes swept over us five children. ‘You will not discuss it. Do you understand?’

We hustled our little sister away before she could ask how we were to explain it if we weren’t to discuss it. We shut our bedroom door and sat in a huddle on Magdalene’s bunk. She stared at us, her eyes wide and frightened.

Rachel hugged her. ‘You have done nothing wrong.’

I took her hand. ‘It was a painting. It must have been one Miriam did.’

Now she really did cry. ‘I want to see it. It is not godless. She loved us. Esther said she did.’

We were quiet. Our cousin Esther who’d come to us from her worldly life had told us many things Father would disapprove of. She hadn’t been afraid
to disobey him by speaking of our banished sister.

‘Yes, Miriam loved us,’ Rachel said. ‘But not enough to stop painting and drawing.’

‘Magdalene, Father will ask you if you understand, so listen carefully. Okay?’

She nodded, sniffing the tears away.

I said, ‘The Rule says it is a sin to create ungodly images. We put scripture on our walls, not photographs or paintings. Miriam’s paintings were not godly. She painted and drew people.’ She’d drawn each of us separately and all of us together as a family.

‘Do you understand why Father was angry?’ Rachel asked.

Magdalene nodded. ‘He does not like to be reminded of Miriam.’ She thought for a moment. ‘Or Daniel. Or Esther.’

‘That is right,’ I said. ‘They are dead to us. We are not allowed to speak of them.’ I bent to whisper. ‘You can talk to us. Just make sure Mother and Father will not be able to hear.’

She sighed and leaned against me. ‘I do not want to go to Nelson. I do not want to forget Miriam and I do not want to forget Daniel. Or Esther.’

Rachel kissed the top of her head. ‘You will not forget them. It does not matter where we live. They will always live in our hearts.’

ALL TWENTY-THREE
Faith families left Wanganui
early the next morning in a long convoy of cars.

Father would drive the whole way now that Daniel was banished from the Faith. Mother sat in the front next to Father. Our baby sister Zillah was in her car seat next to Luke, with Abraham beside him. In the back of the car, Rachel and I put Magdalene between us.

None of us had been outside Wanganui before, so there was much to interest us. There was no time, though, to stop anywhere to explore, and in any case, Father wouldn’t have wanted us to be around worldly people any more than necessary.

The ferry crossing was smooth, but the motion of the ship did not agree with Mother’s stomach, so we took the children away to let her rest. We were all entranced with the novelty of the ship, but it was hard work for Rachel and me to keep up with Abraham, Luke and Magdalene’s excitement, and carry Zillah as well.

Both of us were weary by the time we got back in the car for the drive to Nelson.