How To Walk In High Heels: The Girl's Guide To Everything (2 page)

To avoid lipstick stains on a champagne flute casually lick the glass as you put your lips to it. If this fails, hold glass near rim and wipe stain away with thumb.

False eyelashes and black kohl-rimmed eyes
False eyelashes can be the most seductive of accessories; Julie Christie and Audrey Hepburn leap to mind here. Though you should think incredibly carefully before wearing them to go swimming or to a tear-jerking movie. False eyelashes that have come adrift are very difficult to explain with style as they look like spiders. Streaking mascara, however, along with lipstick stains on champagne flutes, collars, etc., can be marvellous mementos to leave when you make a stylish exit.

6
   
Underwear:
The choice of styles can be overwhelming, which is why when ‘rushing’ things need to be in apple-pie order. (See How to wear the appropriate underwear.) We’re talking sets; the basic rule is bra and knickers must match.

Do you need to wear a bra? Yes or no? And can you in that dress? Do you need to maximise or minimise?

Remember: a black bra under a white T-shirt is a sin. You really should not have colours that show through: dark on top, bright below; light on top, pastel and pale. Fact: white bras are ultraviolet in certain lights, and go grey after a few too many washes; ‘nude’ colours never show through, and are easier to maintain.

Do not let lingerie go past its ‘wear by date’. When it starts to look old, frayed or faded bin it, and start again.

Be wary of a g-string poking out. If knickers
are
on show, make it deliberate and something worth seeing. If low slung jeans are your poison invest in hipster g-strings.

7
   
Perfume, phase one:
Think of Patrick Süskind’s novel
Perfume
, whose narrator is on the ‘quest for the intangible scent of a woman’. Okay, so in this case it leads to murder, a little extreme, and not the effect you are after, but perfume is one of the few remaining (legal) sorceries we have left, so use it. Layer a few squirts over the body before your clothes go on so that it can soak into your skin. It should be applied straight after deodorant, masking any cheap synthetic scent that this may have left, and blending with soaps and scented body lotions to create your own unique odour.

Remember: Coco Chanel said perfume should be worn ‘wherever one wants to be kissed’.

8
   
Dress:
Things really start to feel as if you are finally getting somewhere when you get to this stage. You should have decided what look you are after in the layout phase, but now you apply the labels, albeit Dior or Gap. Dress in a bottom to top, top to bottom yo-yo and you will ensure you forget nothing, and can tuck everything in. Always ensure clothes are well pressed and well maintained. (See How to iron your clothes).

9
   
Make-up:
Take a quick glance in the mirror and assess the situation. Is the eye make-up heavy enough? Too heavy? Has any coverage been dislodged or indeed have any blemishes appeared? Is this look enhancing the clothes? Is your lighting harsh and honest enough?

10
  
Hair:
Tousled or ironed straight? Up or down? This should already have been decided. NOW is the time to comb, tease or tweak it into position. But go easy on the hairspray, you don’t want a concrete Ivana-like helmet to asphyxiate your neighbour.

11
  
Shoes:
The higher, the more expensive, the better.

‘It is totally impossible to be well dressed in cheap shoes,’ according to Sir Hardy Amies.

The higher the heel, the tighter the calves, while the thinner the heel the greater the optical illusion. Therefore the overall ratio to apply is:

12
  
Perfume, phase two:
To avoid the smell being too intense, spray a mist of scent into the air and walk into it. Dab a little behind the earlobes and wrists and at the ankles – well . . . you never know who might want to kiss your feet. Note: the top layer can be a different scent to the one you used as base coat.

13
  
Hair:
Toss.

14
  
Make-up and mirror:
One last check – teeth, tucked in, pushed up, done up, and face flawless.

15
  
Smile:
Here would be when you can call ‘Coming! Ready!’ to any waiting suitors/attending groupies. This way they are all primed, and ready to compliment you as you glide down the stairs.

16
  
Check you have your handbag, and contents.
(See How to fit everything into your handbag).

17
 
Outer-layering – the coat:
Always opt to be assisted into your coat; it’s the best way to ensure people see you and your outfit at close range. Not only can they see the great labels you have put together but, on a practical note, having someone slip the coat onto your shoulders ensures that it is hung at the best angle and the drape and cut is shown off and smoothed out to its full advantage.

18
  
Lip-gloss:
Absolutely no point doing it till now – too many obstacles, and it’s a good crowd pleaser.

19
  
Finale:
One final ‘Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?’ and you’re off. The key is to be realistic, even if you only admit this time frame to yourself, rather than rush to be
badly
ready in five minutes.

The only time it’s possible to be ready in five minutes is when going to bed. Do like Marilyn Monroe and wear Chanel No. 5. Providing the perfume is where you left it, how long can it take?

∗ So here is the confession. The heading was
slightly
misleading, a female prerogative. With no fewer than eighteen ESSENTIAL steps it is inconceivable that you could be ready, and up to standard, in much under twenty minutes.

How to avoid confrontation whilst getting ready

‘Don’t give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can’t wear in the evening’
Oscar Wilde

Remember the ancient proverb, ‘Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’? Well, double the terror and consequences for a woman rushed. It is hard to focus under pressure. Arrange to meet your date at a venue. Or, if they will insist on collecting you, have freshly brewed coffee or tea, current magazines and TV remote all laid out for them. You can’t hurry meringues, couture, or the Hermes Birkin bag waiting list so why try to hurry a vision of loveliness?

If you are living together they can assist with odd jobs, ironing, zips and hard to reach buttons. Getting them involved will make them appreciate that it is truly impossible for you to go any faster. But do be wary of employing them in the ‘second opinion’ category unless you really truly value their opinion, and are going to take what they say seriously, and not slam the door and refuse to go out. This is particularly crucial advice if the person involved is a man, and even more so if he is
your
man.

To avoid initial confrontation always have at least two clocks

One should be set at least 7–21 minutes fast. NEVER set it to an easily calculable time, as you will eventually make the correct arithmetic adjustments automatically. This ‘booby’ clock should be displayed prominently in the room: above a mirror is a popular spot. The real time should stay hidden in a drawer and never be referred to.

How to get ready in 5 minutes – really

Okay, sometimes due to your own, or more likely someone else’s, bad planning (and downright bad luck on your part) you
really
do only have five minutes to change.

The key to success here is perfume and imagination.

Pull top off, and knot hair (if long enough) on head, and while still undressed, think, wash face, clean teeth, generally ‘freshen up’.

Spray on deodorant and perfume.

Throw on nearest, cleanest, top.

Reapply make-up, mascara and gloss. Ensure no make-up spills on top, as this will delay departure; a way to do this is to wrap towel or dressing gown over clothes to catch any errors.

Change into heels, or select pair to change into en route, and slip on pair of flats so you can run.

Empty bag on bed; repack mobile, wallet, keys in evening bag. Perhaps a shawl/scarf/cardigan option could be slipped in here.

Seize first pair of dangling earrings or necklace (that you don’t wear every day) and either put them on or have ready to apply at first traffic light in car, if driving. Remember a little bit of crystal will throw extra light on your face and make you look radiant, even if you feel truly knackered and harassed.

Jacket. Door. Hair down.

GO.

No time to clean teeth? Eat an apple.

No time to dry hair? Comb and turn car air-con on full.

If you are really, really, really late call a cab, and get someone to call on your behalf to say you are on your way – you don’t want to arrive and find they have left. Change in the backseat of the cab, but try to start the process at home so you don’t flash all and sundry, and go for a wind-swept look.

How to make stylish excuses

‘Beautiful people are sometimes more prone to keep you waiting than plain people are because there’s a big time differential between the beautiful and the plain’
Andy Warhol
. Too true.

Even with the best will in the world sometimes you just won’t make it. It is a myth that timekeeping is unstylish. But while being fashionably late is one thing, being supremely delayed is tardy, chaotic, ill mannered and downright rude.

Only fashion shows, and marriage proposals, can be truly delayed, and even they must have a cut-off point. For fashion shows it’s three or four hours max for a new designer, and that’s only if it’s a really, really hot ticket. Marriage proposals: if it’s nine months and there’s no action it’s time to move on.

This handy guide will help you gauge the appropriate level of apology:

No excuse necessary. You have arrived. What is the problem?

Disarm irritated faces with compliments and follow with a casual apology, blaming external factors. Your opening gambit could run along the following lines: ‘Oh how lovely to see you all again. You look so well. Nightmare getting a cab/traffic/parking isn’t it?’ (Delete as appropriate.)

Vaguely
suggest a day of exciting trauma, but be careful not to elaborate, settle in quickly and become absorbed in the current conversation. ‘What a day! You just couldn’t imagine. Oh well at least I’m here, so what have I missed? Anyone else have trouble getting a sedan chair to carry them over ce soir?’ . . . and so on.

This requires the showstopper entrance, but it is no bad thing as it will remind everybody that you are a special creature and can’t be expected to keep to standard timekeeping. As Marilyn Monroe once said, ‘I have often been on calendars but I have never been on time.’

For inspiring entrances, or ways to get ready, do your homework. Watch
Grease
for Sandy’s jaw-dropping transformation, or how Eliza Doolittle becomes a lady in
My Fair Lady
. Molly Ringwald getting ready for the prom in
Pretty in Pink
, or Julia Roberts in
Pretty Woman
are always worth re-watching; it just all depends on the dress code you are prepping. Select appropriate DVD to help you on your way.

How to fit everything into your handbag

A girl’s handbag is her own private sanctuary and only the very privileged, loved or trusted are ever invited in.

It is preferable to have two bags – a Mary Poppins-style bag that can carry everything you will need in it, and within that, the decoy, a dainty frivolous number that you can carry into dinner. Only an elite few can cope with a no bag entrance, and then either their companion’s suit is crammed with lipsticks, they have a driver outside, or they are truly fabulous.

Until you reach this status it’s best to be prepared for anything.

Things you
absolutely
need in your handbag and/or day bag include:

You will always need a few coins for cloakrooms and dire emergencies. Don’t worry about enough for a taxi; any damsel in distress knows that can be figured out once you are safely away from the scene of the crime.

Inspiration can strike anywhere.

You never know whose number you might need to scribble down and lipstick has never been that reliable. But, remember: pens MUST have lids, if not they are liable to ruin the lining of a bag; do you have a pencil case?

For (1) lips and (2) (a cheaper one) any signatures, or number swapping (no point wasting good Chanel on a rebuff).

Adds shine and shimmer to a sexy pout, and very user-friendly to apply sans mirror.

The sample bottles from the make-up counters are the perfect travel size.

Door keys and car keys. Even if you lose everything else you want to concentrate really hard on not misplacing these. Always consider where to hide a spare, or who to give a spare to, but they must be the kind of person who appreciates a call at three in the morning. (See How to be stylish when locked out).