Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (7 page)

Max
: Hopefully they didn’t sleep over.

KB
: Oh, they don’t stay over?

Max
: If I have any say, I hope not.

KB
: So you hook up and you walk them home?

Max
: Yeah, for me, yeah, hopefully.

KB
: And why do you say that?

Max
: I’m like a “scoocher,” I like totally want to sleep well, like, I want to scooch all around my bed.

KB
: So, you find it physically uncomfortable for them to stay over?

Max
: Right. On top of the fact, then it’s the whole, maybe it’s a cop out, but I think it’s easier when you’re both kind of tipsy or whatever then the next morning to wake up and be like now we’re both hung-over and you know like [groans] and then you have that awkward conversation, you know what I mean?

KB
: Right.

Max
: So, I totally would want to avoid that and not have to go through that.

For those who do choose to spend the night after hooking up, there did not seem to be any convention with regard to whether the location was the man’s or woman’s dorm room or apartment. Students indicated that they made that choice based on situational factors. For instance, who lived closer to where the two met? Who had a better setup for someone staying over (e.g., his or her own bedroom)? In some cases, female students took into account where they would feel safe. Some men indicated that they were aware of this and therefore were willing to give up

“home field advantage” in order to make the woman feel safer. Although decisions are made about where the hookup will take place, this can be accomplished without outright acknowledging that the plan is to hook up. Jack, a sophomore student at Faith University, illustrates how the two parties can figure out where the hookup will take place without verbalizing their full intentions: “You can just be having a conversation and suddenly she’ll be like: ‘I really haven’t been to your house at all this year.’ And then [she] comes back with you [to hook up].” How Far to Go

Once the partners begin to engage in a hookup encounter, each person must decide how far to take things sexually. Obviously, an individual’s T H E H O O K U P

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own moral beliefs and sense of self factor into how one conducts one’s sex life.18 But these are not the only factors guiding what takes place during a hookup. Perception of what peers do sexually also affects the level of sexual interaction. What students believe is normal within the context of the hookup culture seems to greatly affect how they conduct their own sexual behavior.

Identifying the sexual norms is somewhat difficult given that hooking up encompasses such a wide range of sexual behavior. “Just kissing” may be the norm for a particular person or a particular group of friends on campus, while sexual intercourse is the norm for others. Despite this variation, there is one norm, specific to the hookup culture, which dictates how much sexual interaction is likely to happen. Some college students in my sample indicated that they would go farther sexually with someone during a hookup if they did
not
really like the person or did
not
think that there was any chance for a relationship with that person. On the face of it, this seems illogical. Why would students be more sexual with someone they did not really like or did not envision as a potential partner? Many college students realized that getting too sexual with a hookup partner early on is not a good way to begin a relationship. Students indicated that you should “take it slow” with someone you really liked and “get to know each other” for a while. Too much sexual interaction in the early stages of meeting someone was seen as ruining any chance you might otherwise have to pursue a relationship with that person. According to Max, a sophomore at State University:
Max
: If I see a girl and I think we’re just going to hook up, then it’s probably like
we can do whatever
[sexually] and it’s not a big deal and . . . I won’t see her as dirty, but if it’s a girl that I potentially want to have a relationship with and she does do all of that in the beginning, then I would kind of perceive her as dirty.

KB
: If “she does do all of that,” [meaning] sex, or even less than that?

Max
: Well, even less than that. [Emphasis by interviewee]

As Max suggests, it is acceptable to do “whatever” with someone sexually who is “just a hookup.” Although Max says he would not perceive a girl as “dirty” in that situation, the point seems to be that he does not care. If it is just a one-night stand, it does not seem to matter.

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T H E H O O K U P

Some college women seem to have realized that men think less of them if they are too sexual during an initial hookup or in the early stages of a series of hookup encounters with the same person. Thus, women will sometimes alter how much they are willing to do sexually to fit the situation. If she likes a man and wants him to like her back, she is less likely to be very sexual with him. The concept of being less sexual with someone if you actually like him (or wanted him to like you) was echoed by several of the women. Marie, a senior at State University said:

Marie
: [If] I know I kind of like this person, [then] maybe [I won’t do] anything [sexually] because I want this person to respect me and maybe not just look at it as a hook up. Because I feel like when you sleep with somebody, then they tend to look at you as just a hookup.

KB
: If you like someone, you would be less sexual with [him]?

Marie
: Hmm-hmm, yeah.

Jen, a junior at State University, echoed Marie’s opinion.

The more that I like somebody the more I
don’t
want to have sex with them. . . . And I can kind of tell when someone tries to have sex with

[me] right off the bat or that night I just feel like it’s not really showing respect. I feel like when you really like somebody they’re not going to try [to have sex immediately] because they have respect for you. [Emphasis added]

Violet, a junior at State University, said she would recommend not hooking up with someone at all if you have genuine feelings for him.

Violet
: I think you learn that if you hook up with somebody it is probably just a hookup and nothing is going to come of it.

And if you have any invested feelings in someone, I wouldn’t hook up with him at a party drunk. But if you are a freshman you go into it thinking: “I am going to have a good time, drink and talk to the person I want and when I am drunk I can really say what I want to say.” . . . And I think that when you get further in schooll. . . you learn that things aren’t always the way that you would think that they’d be.

T H E H O O K U P

39

KB
: So would you say that freshmen girls would think that a hook up might turn into something [relationship-wise] and girls that are sophomores, juniors and older would realize that that is not the case?

Violet
: Yes.

Importantly, Marie, Jen, and Violet were juniors or seniors at the time of their interviews. Thus, they had had many opportunities to learn how the hookup script works in college. It seems likely, as Violet suggests, that many young women are less aware of these norms, particularly during freshman year. Thus, less experienced college women may be sexual with someone with the hope that such behavior will lead to a relationship; they may not suspect that their sexual availability decreases their chances of having the man pursue a relationship. One quantitative study confirmed what the upper-class women I spoke with believed; that is, 49 percent of college students who engaged in sexual intercourse during a hookup encounter said they never saw the person again.19 Indeed, members of the campus culture had to
learn over time
the rules of the hookup script.

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT

There are many potential outcomes of a hookup encounter. The college women I spoke with, particularly after freshman year, came to realize that you “have no idea what will come out of a hookup.” In a sense, hooking up is a roll of the dice. According to both men and women, the most likely outcome is “nothing”—the hookup partners part ways either the evening of the hookup or the next morning. No romantic relationship is directly pursued by either party, and their relationship returns to whatever they were to each other prior to the hookup. As Emily, a sophomore at Faith University, put it:
KB
: Generally speaking, of the students you know, if someone hooks up with someone is it likely that they’re going to hook up with them again or is it more often that it happens once and doesn’t happen again?

Emily
: More often it happens once and doesn’t happen again.

KB
: And why do you think it works that way?

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T H E H O O K U P

Emily
: I think that’s the accepted way that it is and I think that people drink and then they hook up and maybe there’s attraction there and then it’s not there anymore or maybe it’s awkward or maybe you hook up with someone you don’t really know and then you don’t really take the time to get their number. Like sometimes when I hook up with people like I might not have any interest in them, but it just happens to happen and you don’t expect anymore from it.

The students I spoke with indicated that if the two parties were friends before the hookup, they try to stay friends. If they were acquaintances before, they are cordial or perhaps even friendly when they run into each other again. Since a hallmark of the hookup script is that there are no strings attached, there is no reason for there to be any tension between the two after hooking up. However, both men and women often indicated that they did feel awkward or “weird” with a former partner after the hookup.20 Both parties involved in the hook up are not always in agreement about what will happen next; in fact, it is often the case that one party is more interested in furthering the relationship than the other.21

Although “nothing” is the most likely outcome of a hookup, that does not necessarily mean that the two people never hook up again. The fact that nothing usually results from a hookup means that no special
relationship
is formed between the two parties. The majority of students, like Lee, a freshman at Faith University, indicated that hooking up repeatedly with the same person was fairly common, even if there was little to no contact outside of the late-night party or bar interaction.

Lee
: I see a lot of girls [that] will have someone in mind [that they want to hook up with that night]. Not talk to them all week, go to a party, go home with them, not talk to them the whole next week, go to the party, see them again, [and] go home with them. That is their person to go home with at a party. I see that a lot.

KB
: A lot of times it doesn’t just happen one time, it is with the same person repeatedly?

Lee
: Yeah, but with nothing in the middle.

KB
: No phone calls, no e-mails, no contact during the week?

Lee
: Correct.

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KB
: Weekends only?

Lee
: Right. [Laughs]

Repeated hooking up does not automatically lead to any semblance of a relationship. Indeed, if there is no contact with the person during the week or at any time other than weekend nights, college students viewed it as nothing more than a “repeat hookup.” Another possible outcome of hooking up is a variation of hooking up repeatedly, known as “seeing each other.” This refers to cases where one college student will repeatedly hook up with the same person and there will be some attempts to “hang out” or spend time with the person in between hookup encounters. In addition to the phrase “seeing each other,” some interviewees referred to this as “talking,” or less often as “dating.”22 The contact between hookup encounters could take a variety of forms, including phone calls, text messages, e-mails, or instant messages. In addition to talking to each other, students suggested that they might also make plans to meet somewhere. However, the two would not go out alone; they would meet in a group setting and “hang out” with a larger group of friends and classmates, as is the case for most college-student socializing.

The type of relationships falling under the labels of “seeing each other,” “talking,” “hanging out,” or “dating” are still characterized by a low level of commitment, where hooking up with someone else is still a possibility. These relationships also tend to be short lived, lasting a few weeks or couple months before disintegrating. Many of the college women indicated that it is men who decide whether to continue seeing each other or whether a relationship will evolve.23 Furthermore, college women often seemed at a loss to explain why the man they were “seeing” decided to end things, as did Jen, a junior at State University.

Jen
: You’ll hook up with them for a week or two weeks consecutively and then something weirdo happens [laughing].

KB
: Like what?

Jen
: Like you’ll see them with [another] girl one night and you are just standing there. I’ve seen that happen to my friends.

No one ever really . . . sits you down and says: “I don’t think this is working out,” [they don’t handle it] in a mature way.

[Laughing]

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T H E H O O K U P

Marie, a senior at State University, added, “A lot of girls are fine in relationships and the guys just change, something clicks in the guy where they’re like: ‘I don’t want to be with you anymore.’” The least likely outcome of hooking up is that it leads to becoming a couple. In other words, two college students hook up and then decide after some period of time to be an exclusive couple or boyfriend/girlfriend. These relationships are referred to as “going out” or being “together” or “with” the other person. Exclusivity is one of the defining features of these relationships. Hooking up with someone outside of the relationship is considered “cheating” and will likely lead to a breakup of the relationship. During their freshman year, many college students, both male and female, tried to avoid becoming part of an exclusive relationship. Freshmen, and others recollecting their freshman experience, spoke of wanting to make a lot of friends during their first year and “see what’s out there.” Becoming a part of an exclusive couple was seen as being at odds with these goals. Liz, a freshman at Faith University, said, “I was one of those [people who thought] like: ‘Oh this is college, you know, I’m just going to keep my options open,’ blah, blah, blah.”