Hooking Up : Sex, Dating, and Relationships on Campus (9 page)

Hooking up is the first step; going to dinner or a movie or any other typical one-on-one date happens much later or not at all for the majority, who never reach the point of a full-fledged relationship. Therefore, hooking up reverses the traditional “date first, sex later” formula that governed intimate relationships on college campuses from the 1920s through the mid-1960s.

Moreover, in the dating era, the sexual norms dictated that the degree of sexual intimacy would increase between partners over time. Or, as a couple became increasingly committed, sex would escalate.33 The hooking-up script does not require a correlation between sexual intimacy and relationship commitment. A hookup can include anything from kissing to sexual intercourse between partners, even on the first T H E H O O K U P

49

encounter. In fact, many students indicated that they were more likely to “go farther” during a hookup encounter if they did not have strong feelings for their partner or when they believed turning the hookup into a relationship was unlikely.

Dating is no longer the centerpiece of college social life. Instead of dating, college students today socialize with large groups of friends and classmates and pair off to hook up. Hooking up is its own script, with its own norms for how to meet, get together, become sexually intimate, and manage the potential formation of relationships. Although students are aware of these norms, many of them also feel that they had to learn them over time. Discovering that a relationship is not a probable outcome of a hookup encounter was difficult for some (usually women) who wanted “something more,” but they felt powerless to get what they want. Those unhappy with the hookup script had to come to terms that it was the “only game in town,” at least on campus.

4

The Hookup Scene

The college campus is not the only place where people hook up, but there is something unique about campus life that makes the hookup culture flourish there.1 In my conversation with Jen, a junior at State University, she talked about the difference between living at home during summer break and being on campus. She touched on many different aspects of college life that make it more conducive to hooking up than dating.

KB
: So what’s different about home that would make you go out on a date there and not here [at school]?

Jen
: [Guys at home] don’t have this incredible access to girls like these guys have . . . and there are very beautiful girls here [at State U.], and they have a whole bunch of them in a concen-trated area with their apartments and massive amounts of alcohol involved. That’s just great opportunity for them

[guys at school].

KB
: For
them
?

Jen
: Yeah definitely. I guess whatever way you look at it; it’s a great opportunity [to hook up] if that’s what you want. [At home] you like have to meet the parents. And it’s not like if I go out and I meet somebody at home that I am interested in, when I’m at a bar or wherever we meet, it’s not like I’m going to see him the next night at the same place, or in a week on campus, I might not see him again. So he’ll take your number. And if they want to get to know you it’s not like they can come over to your parents’ house and sleep over . . . they actually have to make that effort to take you out on a date. So that’s probably the difference.

KB
: And you have gone on formal dates at home [during summer break]?

Jen
: Yes.

50

T H E H O O K U P S C E N E

51

Jen’s explanation of why campus is an easy place to hook up underscores a key point: environment has a major impact on how we conduct our sexual and romantic lives. Environment can refer to many different things, such as geographic location (e.g., the northeastern United States) or neighborhood (e.g., a student’s immediate social setting).2 Although these aspects of environment have an effect on college students, it is the college campus that makes the hookup system thrive.

SEX ON CAMPUS

Hooking up is a means for experiencing casual sexual encounters, but it is also a means for beginning romantic relationships. Many of the college women with whom I spoke were interested in hookup encounters evolving into relationships; men, in general, were less interested in pursuing committed relationships. Regardless of what individual college men and women want, many recognized that, for better or worse, their college years are a time for less serious romantic relationships.

Since hooking up is a no-strings-attached approach to sex and relationships, it facilitates “keeping things casual.” This outlook on relationships is fueled, in part, by the way students define what it means to be in college in general.3 Many college students referred to college as being a time to “party” or a time to “let loose.” As freshmen, they enter college with the notion that a large part of their college experience should center on having fun. Although college administrators might like to believe that college is about academics, for many students the social aspect of college is equally important, if not more so. Several students, particularly men, spoke of picturing college life to be like the film
Animal House,
which portrays an alcohol- and party-centered lifestyle. Certainly, not all students feel this way. I interviewed many devoted students who put classes first and anything else second. However, even those who do not buy into the idea that “college equals partying” cannot help but be affected by the number of students who live by that sentiment.4

If many students define college as a time to have fun and “party,” it is not likely that these same students will want to pursue only committed, exclusive relationships, which are believed to interfere with the goal of having fun. As Lee, a freshman at State University, put it: “I had a boyfriend senior year [in high school] and he goes here also. We 52

T H E H O O K U P S C E N E

decided before we got here that we were going to break up and see other people just to do the whole college thing or whatever.” Similarly, Max, a sophomore at State University, discussed how some of his female friends who are currently in relationships often say that experiencing college life is more important than being faithful to a boyfriend. “Then even here [at school] some of the girls are like: ‘Yeah I have a boyfriend,
but then again I’m a sophomore in college.
’ . . . So, I think the word ‘couple’ here is vague in the sense that you know in high school what you thought would be cheating . . . may not be [considered]

cheating here [at school]. I don’t know, it’s difficult; it’s a touchy subject” [emphasis by interviewee].

Tony, a senior at State University, also talked about the merits of keeping relationships casual during college before entering the “real world” changes things.

KB
: Would you say that if somebody hooks up that they tend to hook up with the same person repeatedly or is it generally different people?

Tony
: For me, it’s generally a month or so.

KB
: You hook up with the same person for a month?

Tony
: Yeah, and then like I don’t know, I find like little like flaws.

I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but you find little like things that you’re not too attracted to and it kind of fades away a little bit. And it might, maybe the girl finds little things too [that she doesn’t like about him]. It kind of fades away and then someone else comes along. I think being a senior right now is a big part of it. I think a lot of the seniors right now just like to have someone to hook up with on a steady basis because they know they’re going to be graduating soon and once they graduate like that’s it, no more college life, so you might as well do it up while you can.

KB
: Why do you think it will be different after college?

Tony
: Because you know, real life, real jobs, I’ve got to wake up every morning at 9 o’clock and do the whole corporate thing.

Umm, I think it’s a lot easier right now.

In addition to students defining their college years as a time to party, they may also be keeping relationships casual because they are in T H E H O O K U P S C E N E

53

no hurry to get married. Although there may be some students, particularly women, hoping to meet their future spouse in college, there are many others who are in “no rush” to find their future spouse.5 Most students I interviewed were not preoccupied with thoughts of marriage, yet almost all of them planned to marry by their mid- to late twenties or early thirties.6 Therefore, most students believed there would be plenty of time after graduation to find their future spouse.

Despite both male and female college students expressing their wishes to marry several years after graduation, men and women’s different timetables for marriage may affect the dynamic between them on campus. In general, women indicated that they were interested in marrying sooner than men: age 29 was their absolute deadline for getting married.7 Men, on the other hand, did not refer to a deadline for marrying. It seemed that many men wanted to get married “
no sooner
than

[age X],” while several women were hoping to get married “
no later
than [age Y].” Violet, a junior at State University, was one of a handful of female students who indicated that marriage was on her mind.

KB
: Do you think about marriage at all?

Violet
: [Laughing and animated] I was looking at a bride book today while I was at work this morning and I was like: “I can’t wait to get married! I just have to have a boyfriend first.” It’s a mess. But I like all that stuff.

KB
: When do you picture yourself getting married?

Violet
: I’d like to get married after I get a job. But I do need a boyfriend [first]. I have always thought about getting married at age 25. I don’t know why but that specific age I always think about. When I get married I want to be 25.

Not surprisingly, none of the college men I spoke to spent time thinking about their future wedding day.

KB
: Do you think that either guys or girls are looking for someone that they’re going to end up marrying while they’re in school?

Joseph
: I don’t. The way it is now it’s like people don’t even think about that stuff until they’re older now. . . . I know guys who have been dating their girlfriends now for two years. If you mention marriage then they get all like: “What?” [Laughs]

54

T H E H O O K U P S C E N E

It seems likely that because some women are interested in marrying younger (than most men want to), they are more interested in finding a potential spouse during their college years.8 Given that the hookup culture is not particularly conducive to relationship formation, this may put men and women’s agendas for relationships at odds.

The trend toward marrying later may be fueling the hookup culture on campus. If students do not intend to marry until at least three years after graduation, there is no significant pressure to find their future spouse during their college years. This is particularly the case for the college men, who suggested they did not plan to marry until their late twenties or early thirties. This translates to 5 to 10 years after college to look for a potential spouse. Thus, one’s college years can be spent in less serious relationships than those that occupied previous generations.

The current hookup script offers a casual alternative to more serious, potentially marriage-bound relationships.

College men and women delaying marriage is part of a larger trend of young people delaying many of the traditional role transitions characteristic of becoming an adult (e.g., parenthood, home ownership, full-time employment, etc.). Due to the postponement of these role transitions, along with changing conceptions of what “becoming an adult” means, researchers have found that over the second half of the twentieth century, 18–22-year-olds have become less likely to think of themselves as adults.9 Psychologist Jeffrey Jensen Arnett found that traditional college-age youth and beyond (18–25) is a distinct period in the life course. Arnett refers to this life stage, which is after adolescence, but before full-fledged adulthood as “emerging adulthood.” Emerging adults are free from some of the parental supervision that adolescents have, but do not have the work and family responsibilities of adults.

This freedom allows for experimentation in many areas of life, including relationships.10

There may be another factor to consider, which may help to explain why college life lends itself to casual relationships. On many campuses nationwide, there are more women than men. On both campuses included in this study, close to 60 percent of the students are female. In addition, college women often perceive that there are too many “beautiful girls” on campus competing for too few eligible men.11 This gives women the impression that college men have plenty of women from whom to choose, while college women are stuck competing for a scarce resource. Since most students on both campuses tend to revolve their T H E H O O K U P S C E N E

55

social lives around university life, they have few opportunities to meet nonstudents.12 Therefore, for college women, it seems that there are not enough men to go around.

For college men, there may actually be power in lack of numbers.

Given the real or perceived sense that there is a shortage of men, there is great incentive for women to “hold on” to one man; however, there is very little incentive for college men to be in an exclusive relationship.

This situation puts men and women’s goals at odds.13 Some of the students I interviewed, particularly at State University, like Marie, a senior at State, were keenly aware of the male/female ratio on campus and how this favored men’s interests.

KB
: So, [from what you are saying] it seems like the guys decide

[when it is a relationship or not]?

Marie
: I feel like they do, I definitely feel like they do because most of the girls I know are looking for
something,
you know someone, even if it’s not serious, someone that is there to hang out with and talk to, [girls want] a feeling of being close to someone and I don’t know if it’s even guys don’t want that, it’s just they don’t care if they have that, it’s like: “Whatever.” It could be any other girl any night and you know that’s fine with them. [Emphasis by interviewee]