Honor Reclaimed (All About Honor) (5 page)

“Madame, I fear you have a long wait
ahead of you.
 
I may have been weak
once while in a drunken stupor but it was not you I made love to, not in my
heart; I just mistook you for my wife.
 
I am willing to pay penance for that indiscretion, but I will always
remain true to her memory.
 
You
will just have to reconcile yourself to that.
 
I have nothing more to give.
 
You can remain in here if it makes you feel better, it will
be no hardship to me.”
 
He
staggered across to the washbasin and poured some water out.
 
After splashing cold water in his face
he walked over to the bed, and while sitting on the edge, crossing one leg
across his lap in order to try to remove his boot.
 
He pulled clumsily at it but was unsuccessful at getting it
to budge.
 
Eirian crossed the room
and pushing his hands aside as she worked to pull the boot off his foot.
 
She then bent to remove the other
boot.
 
Despite him self, John could
not help but notice the comely shape of her rounded bottom as she presented it
to his view while she was removing the boot.
 
He lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling trying to
wish away the tightness he felt in his groin.

The next coherent thought he had was
when he awakened in the morning alone in bed with a major hang over.
 
If Eirian had slept with him last night
he had no memory of it.
 
He was
fairly certain that they had not consummated their vows, as he remained
completely dressed other than his collar had been removed and his shirt laces
were loosened.
 

A noise in the dressing room drew
his attention.
 
He eased out of bed
and slipped over to the door, which stood slightly ajar.
 
The site that welcomed him brought back
a flood of memories.
 
There
Eirian knelt with her head over the basin, retching
piteously.
 
He knew immediately the
cause and his heart sank.
 
Well,
that was just his luck!
 
How could
he explain a second baby born within nine months of the first, with his wife barely
cold in her grave?
 
He would be a
laughing-stock, and Eirian would be branded little more than a whore in the
minds of their friends and neighbors.
 
He was ashamed of himself and embarrassed for both his wife’s memory and
the reputation of her sister.
 
He
was having trouble remembering that the sister was now his wife as well.
 

He did remember the joy with which
each of his children had been welcomed and tried to feel ashamed of himself for
feeling nothing but regret over this one.
 

Compassion finally overcame
inertia.
 
He crossed the room and
bent to hold her hair back.
 
He
took the cloth from her hand and dipped it into the pitcher.
 
Squeezing the excess water from it, he
wiped it across her forehead and then placed it on the back of her neck.
 
A minute or two later she finally sat
back on the floor too weak to get up.
 
She looked up at John wanting to be grateful for his assistance, but
feeling too miserable at the moment.

“Let’s get you back to bed,” he said
as he assisted her to stand.
 
Taking her elbow, he guided her back into the sleeping chambers and
towards the bed.
 
“Your sister use
to suffer in much the same way in the early months of her pregnancies
too.”
 
He tried to be compassionate
although it took some effort.

“Pregnancy?
 
Oh my God, I thought it was only
nerves.
 
Do you really think I am
pregnant?
 
It only happened
once.
 
How could I be pregnant?”
 
Eirian was half hysterical.

John stopped and stared down at his
young wife.
 
“Eirian, I am sorry if
this comes as a surprise, but why do you think I felt it was necessary for us
to marry so soon?
 
It was always a
possibility and I was trying to protect you as much as possible after the
damage was already done.”

Eirian, instantly feeling protective
of the life she carried, placed her hand possessively over her stomach, “Is
that what this baby will be to you…damage?
 
Maybe I should return to my father’s home and raise my baby
alone there.”

He grabbed her by the hair on the
back of her head and forced her to look at him, “You are not leaving this manor
and you are not taking my child away from here, is that understood?
 
What is mine is mine and you are mine
now as is the child you carry.
 
I
will not have it raised by some one else nor will you embarrass me by
leaving.
 
Is that clear?”
 
He looked down into her shocked face,
“I repeat, do I make myself clear?”
 
He was ashamed to see the fear in her eyes just before she broke down
into tears.
 
He was instantly remorseful.
 
He could not stand to see her cry,
especially since he knew he was the cause.
 
He gathered her in his arms and stroking her back until her
tears subsided.
 

Never being one who could stand a
woman’s tears John said, “I am sorry.
 
I did not mean to be so harsh.
 
I think we need to start over again.
 
I have been blaming you for what happened, because I could
not bear to take the shame.
 
I am
the adult in this relationship.
 
You are just a little more than a child yourself.
 
I should have protected you.
 
Instead I took advantage of your
vulnerability.
 
Hell, I raped you.
 
I did not mean to.
 
I was so confused.
 
I wanted you to be your sister so badly
that I made myself believe it.
 
It
was not your fault, but I have been blaming you and I am sorry.
 
Would you be willing to try to start
over?”
 
He hung his head and ran
his finger through his hair pushing it back from his face.
 
He looked at her, smiled ruefully, and
said, “Your sister asked me not to grieve for too long and to go on with my
life.
 
I suspect she did not know
how fast I would comply with her wishes.”

“Do you think it is possible that we
can make a normal life together?”
 
She asked, wanting so to be hopeful.

“I really do not know, but I want to
give it a try.
 
I think we can make
our marriage work.
 
We have to at
least try for the children’s sake.”
 
He drew her into his arms, and after only a moments hesitation he
lowered his mouth to hers and kissed her tenderly.

The kiss affected both of them more
than either would have expected.
 
They drew back from each other, searching one another’s eyes and then
came back together in a
searingly
passionate
kiss.
 
Eirian was the first to pull
away.
 
“I do not think we need to
rush anything, but judging by that kiss, I am feeling more hopeful.
 
Excuse me while I throw up again…” she
managed to say as she ran back to the basin.

John rang for the chambermaid.
 
When she arrived, he requested that
breakfast be served in the room.
 
He made the mistake of mentioning that her mistress was not herself this
morning.
 
The comment was met with
a knowing smile and a smothered giggle.
 
He had almost forgotten that as far as the servants were concerned last
night was their wedding night and all that that implied.
 
The maid assumed that the ill effects
were a result of the wedding night lovemaking.
 
Little did she know that there had been no lovemaking and that
her mistress was already suffering from morning
sickness.
 
Oh well, the world would know soon
enough.

John encouraged Eirian to sip some
of the new beverage imported from China called tea.
 
It was served hot and had a soothing effect on the
stomach.
 
He also encouraged her to
nibble on some dry toasted bread.
 
This was about all she could manage to force down, but she did feel
better after she finished.

John then encouraged her to get
dressed and to put on a good face for the servants.
 
“We do not need them gossiping about your condition any
sooner than necessary.
 
Obviously,
you should not be suffering from morning sickness on the morning after your
wedding night.
 
The longer we can
hide it, the less likely you are to suffer gossip.
 
I do not want my child to be thought of as a bastard, or
even an early blooming flower.
 
Hopefully it will be believed that you are incredibly fertile, which
indeed you are Madame, and that the baby was conceived in the acceptable way
just making an eager appearance by arriving a few weeks early.”

“John, I am not ashamed of this baby
and will not allow others to make me feel so.
 
I will love this baby because you gave it to me.
 
We will raise it together and dare
anyone to point fingers at her.
 
If
it should be a girl I want to name her Johane.
 
She would be God’s gift to us for taking Johane away so
soon.”
 
John was touched by the
remark despite himself.
 
Sometimes
God did work in mysterious ways.

“Well, good luck Madame.
 
I hope it turns out as you wish, but
having experienced more of this world and being exposed more to human nature I
am skeptical,” John said.

Picking up the knife from the
breakfast tray, John turned from her and walked over to the bed.
 
Eirian watched as John pushed up his
sleeve.
 
She let out a small cry as
John drew the sharp knife across his lower arm a few inches above his wrist,
“Oh my lord, what are you doing?”

“They will be checking the sheets,
expecting to find them stained.
 
If
they are not stained there would much speculation, especially when it become
obvious you are with child.
 
I do
not want the paternity of my child to be questioned, nor do I want your virtue
challenged.”
 
With that said, John
leaned across the bed to smear the sheets with his own blood.

Eirian was moved by his
consideration.
 
“May I please dress
your wound for you?” she asked.
 
She gathered some fresh linen scrapes, folding a small one into a pad
and then tearing another into strips.
 
She then poured fresh water into the basin and dipped a clean clothe in
it, she held John’s arm over the bowl and squeezed the water over the wound
rinsing it clean.
 
After drying his
arm, she applied the square directly over the wound and then bound it.
 
After binding it, she placed a kiss on
the bandage.
 
“Thank you for
protecting me,” she said.

“It is I who should apologize to you
for the need,” John replied, feeling touched by her display or gratitude.

Just then there was a timid knock at
the door of their chambers.
 
After
pulling his sleeve back down to cover the bandage, John crossed the room
opening the door to find his oldest son waiting solemnly, his hat in his
hand.
 
“Well young man, how can I
be of service?”

“Father, I was hoping that I could
speak with Aunt Eirian for a minute.”
 
William said very seriously.

Walking over to stand behind Eirian
he replied, “By all means, young sir.
 
I am sure the pleasure will be hers.
 
If you will excuse me, I have matters I need to attend to in
my office.”
 
John could not bring
himself to kiss Eirian, especially in front of his son, but he did pat her on
the shoulder as a parting gesture before he left the room.
 
Had he not offered the gesture, it may
not have struck Eirian that she could not remember a time that John had not
kissed Johane before leaving her side, even for a few minutes.
 
She did not expect a miracle, but she
saw the gesture as promising in a way.
 
He had subtly acknowledged that there was some emotion, however small,
in being parted from her.
 
She would
just have to be patient and work to become more important in his life.

“Please William, will you join me at
my breakfast?” she asked as if he were a most important guest.

“No thank you.
 
I broke my fast in the nursery with the
other children.
 
I wished to talk
to you about you being my new mother.
 
I do not want a new mother, I want my mother back.”
 
His grown up façade disintegrated
before her eyes as he dissolved into tears and was racked with sobs.