Home From Within (32 page)

Pulling into the parking lot of PJ’s, heart in throat, Jessica said a prayer. She was hoping God would intervene in a loud way if necessary, possibly with a lightning bolt in between her and Paul if He saw their intentions less than austere. But it also gave her the courage she needed to step out of her truck and face her past in the light of day.

As she walked through the parking lot, she called Paul’s cell phone, but it went straight to voice mail. Unsure whether to leave a message, she hung up, hesitated, and then phoned one more time, hanging up again when she heard the voice mail message.

Classic rock songs seeped onto the sidewalk as Jessica passed along the darkened windows of the bar, each step bringing another layer of nervousness, and before entering the doorway spotted Paul. He blocked her entry, looking at her through drunken eyes. “I can’t believe you never told me, never told me we had a daughter.”

Jessica backed against the bright red door that was being propped open with a brick.

“Don’t you know that I’m the assistant coach of my kid’s baseball team? And when Lexi needed a parent to be a part of Brownies I stepped up? Don’t you know that I’m a stand-up dad and man? My kids know who their daddy is.” Paul stumbled forward, looking straight at Jessica. His eyes narrowed, and his face was red with sweat collecting in the seams of his forehead. “How the fuck could you not tell me that shit?” he spurted as he fell against the wall next to the door of the bar. “How could you not let me be a part of her life . . . her . . . her . . . I don’t even know
our
daughter’s name.”

Jessica’s eyes widened as she stepped away from the door and back onto the sidewalk, afraid he might be so drunk and mad he would hit her. “I am so sorry,” she pleaded. “You have no idea how sick I feel about this, how sick this secret has made me.”

“I don’t give a fuck how sick you feel. You kept someone from her dad. I’m her daddy,
me,
” he yelled, pounding both fists against his chest.

Jessica put her hands over her nose and mouth. She expected Paul to be hurt. However she was not prepared for the words he was throwing at her.

“You knew I never had a dad. You knew I said I would
never
leave my children. That they would never feel unloved—they would always know their dad.”

Paul’s face was contorted; his chest was pumping up and down, and he looked as if he could spit on her at any moment. A piece of her was in shock. This was her first love, the boy who helped open her up, not only emotionally but physically. She lost her virginity to him. The boy she loved with every part of her adolescent being. But staring at his face, feeling the hurt and betrayal oozing from his body, she knew he had lost any love he may have had for her with this secret. Knowing this, along with him being drunk, put her in an uncomfortable position. In an instant, her mind raced and grabbed onto one solution. Jessica turned and ran, ran as fast as she could to her truck around the corner. She was unsure if Paul would chase her but believed the alcohol would not let him get too far. Quickly starting her truck to speed out of the lot, Jessica glanced to the left, so she could turn onto the busy street and saw two men restraining Paul and mouthing words she assumed had to do with calming him down. Jessica’s tears descended, and at times, she could barely see the road. Her heart was aching; she had never felt this kind of ache, even when her mother left her years ago with Aunt Lodi. She now understood what the word
heartache
really meant.

Jessica drove around for hours so the years of pain could drain out. Aunt Lodi would say hours are not long enough, but Jessica knew that despite her running away, she would have to face a sober Paul. She needed a game plan, one that included telling her daughter. She did not want Paulina finding out the truth about her father on the Maury Povich show.

Entering her mother’s house unnoticed, Jessica slipped into the guest room without turning on any lights and sat on the chair facing the window. She began taking cleansing breaths to help center her while focusing on the night sky, all dark with barely a hint of stars.
How different from home.
Jessica never realized that the only place that felt like home was the UP. She loved the beauty of the night sky, the stars that connected to each other in never ending brightness. How the moon would shine a path of light from above to guide one on a walk through the woods. And the air—how clean and fresh it smelled. It was almost forgiving in that every day the dew, the rain, the snow, never had the same dull smell. It was as if nature was granting one a new start despite one’s old self.

For the next hour, Jessica sat in complete solitude, feeling a mist move through her as if she were part of the landscape. With only the street lamp outside to guide her out of darkness, she went through scenario after scenario, trying to plan the best way to blow up Paulina’s world. Jessica clamored into bed only to toss and turn, and woke with a pounding headache, not feeling like she slept at all. Jessica did not want to deal with her mother or Paulina and their questions about where she went last night. The only thing on her waking mind was talking to a sober Paul, trying to convince him she deserved forgiveness. But thoughts of wanting him kept sliding into her mind, finally admitting how attracted she was to him. The only thing that bothered her was that he was not as tall as she remembered. He stood about five foot ten, and she thought it funny that although Matt was not as strikingly handsome as Paul, she liked that he was six foot. His height and size made her feel really safe. She loved when Matt would engulf her in a hug or try to pull her in for a playful kiss. She could not help but smile about this. It really surprised her how much thinking about Matt made her feel happy, made her feel like she was complete. But she could not deny that Paul was occupying most of her thoughts. Even though she and Matt lived together, she never completely gave herself to him—partly out of shame, partly due to loving the memory of Paul.

Jessica abruptly rolled to her side to wipe those thoughts away, putting a pillow on top of her head. She didn’t want to think about Matt anymore; she already had enough guilt. Her attention needed to be spent on a plan to make Paul see that this was not her fault and to figure out how to tell Paulina that the father she thought was dead had been resurrected.

To her surprise, everyone was gone when she got up. There was a note on the island in the kitchen stating some “loose ends” needed to be cleared up and that Mom, Paulina, and Jason had left to take care of them. Aunt Lodi was also gone taking care of some personal business. They would all meet back for dinner together later in the evening. Jessica’s fingers felt like icicles as she touched her cell phone, thought for a few minutes, then sat at the island and texted Paul.

“Can we please talk? I’m free until late afternoon. Tell me where to meet.” She read it over and over then decided to finish it off by writing, “I know you hate me, but please give me time to explain.” She fixated on it for five minutes before finally pressing
send.
Jessica put the phone down quickly and placed her head on the island. It felt cold and smooth, a nice counter to her prickly, anger-filled world.

An hour later, she received a response: “Meet at noon—6142 W. Rolling.” Jessica started shaking at the thought. She believed that address was his mother’s home and was unsure if she still lived there, but the thought made her start to cry. Despite the horrific way she departed from Paul, feelings of nostalgia about time spent together, especially in the basement of that house, were too much to bear. Jessica lay on the guest bed and cried hard, sobbing tears. She was coming home for the first time in seventeen years.

C
hapter
25

Paul’s childhood home was two minutes from her mother’s. As Jessica rolled to a stop, she noticed the outside had been landscaped and well maintained. The bushes under the window were trimmed and the spring flowers in bloom intertwined with a garden that flourished in the summer. The grass was thick and green, edged to perfection.

Jessica made her way up the flawless concrete stairs but before she rang the bell, the inside door opened. Paul, looking tired and gray, pushed open the screen door with one arm and gave her a slight “hi” as she apprehensively smiled and stepped inside. Jessica was stunned at how clean and modern the living room looked. Before she could comment on how impressed she was on the changes that were made, Paul closed the doors.

“We can talk up here or in the basement. No one’s home, so I thought this would be the best place.”

Jessica could not help but notice Paul’s well-defined body. His tight-fitting tee showed toned arm muscles and that he had a six-pack despite being in his thirties. And his eyes held the same pristine blue pond she swam in long ago, although right now they looked a bit on the bloodshot side.

“It doesn’t matter,” Jessica said quietly.

“I want to apologize for swearing at you yesterday. I was drunk, but I never should’ve made it seem like I was gonna hurt you.”

“No, I understand . . . about the angry drunk part.”

“Did you think I was gonna hurt you? My friends restrained me because they thought I was gonna go after you.”

Jessica looked at him deeply and intently. “I didn’t think you’d hit me, but you did scare me a little.”

Paul nodded. “Well,” he said, looking away, “I would never put a hand on you or any other woman.” As he finished, he looked back at her. “I would think you’d remember that about me.”

Jessica wanted to cry, but she held on tight inside, changing the subject about who still lived there. Paul’s mother still resided in the home and an occasional younger brother. It appeared Paul was the only brother to make something of himself. Jessica and Paul found their way to a white leather couch and sat down on opposite ends. Paul’s mom inherited the bar she worked at, and it was doing great business. She was dating a “nice” guy and cleaned up her life. Danny, Marcus, and Brian all did time—mostly drug possession and selling, nothing violent. All his siblings had children but only one was married.

“Brian fared the best. I think because his dad tried to be in his life. When he got out of jail, he came back around, like he promised.”

“So Brian’s married?”

“Yeah, besides me,” Paul stated. “He’s trying to be a dad.”