Home From Within (28 page)

The traffic became thicker as Jessica got closer to Chicago. Even early afternoon did not keep the lanes from becoming busy and slow. Jessica struggled against the rude and aggressive drivers and was indebted to the small-town traffic she had become accustomed to along with the clean air; she kept rolling her windows up and down as emissions from trucks sputtered pollution everywhere.

The smell was making her feel nauseous and dizzy.

Jessica swallowed hard as she flipped the turn signal to exit off the ramp of the expressway, heading toward her childhood home. She tried to keep her head from looking toward the left; his home was to the left. Glancing quickly, not fixating on the fifth house, she shifted back and made the right hand turn toward her mother’s home. Passing Heritage, she was overcome with emotion, shocked that she was choked up without being able to control it.

Jessica pulled into the driveway with her heart sagging, tears being wiped away by trembling fingers so they would not be seen by anyone. Before she could fully gain her composure, Jason was at the door of her truck, opening it up and grabbing her in a death hold. They had remained close through all their years of being separated, thanks to month-long visits in the summer and one week in the winter. As Jason became older, he visited during college breaks and then over work vacations.

Jason let her go and looked at her face. “Are you all right?”

Jessica met his watery green eyes and nodded, not wanting more concern to come her way.

Paulina’s truck was already in the driveway, and Aunt Lodi had left a message on Jessica’s cell that she would be arriving within the hour.

Jason grabbed Jessica’s small duffel bag, wrapping his arm around her as they walked up the steps of the porch. Jessica was working hard at getting her body to stay calm.
Don’t fall down now,
she quietly thought, but her body was struggling because of too many years of driving memories and feelings into the sandy bottom of her gut. Maybe if she had a gut made of cement, then things would not get shaken up as much. Her thoughts quickly turned when she saw her mother’s figure approaching from the kitchen. The smells that met her at the door made her salivate, not realizing how hungry she had become on the almost six-hour drive.

“Jessica,” her mother said. “Are you hungry?”

The question seemed inappropriate at the moment, and Jessica stepped back a little.

“Uh.” Jessica felt like she was sixteen again, having no control in her life. “Sure.”

The four ate beef bourguignon, garlic mashed potatoes, carrots au gratin, and for dessert, red velvet cake. They made small talk, avoiding the subject they were all forced into togetherness over. Aunt Lodi arrived an hour late, crabbing about city traffic, which was out of her character. Jessica assumed she was tired after the long drive plus the grief she was feeling. Aunt Lodi thanked Katherine for the food and with a few bites in her belly became more herself.

“Katherine,” she said, after sipping the wine that was graciously poured for her as soon as she walked through the door, “I know you said over the phone you would like your wishes to be honored about Jim’s wake and funeral. Can you tell me more about what you’re thinking?”

“Planning, actually, Lodi,” her mother said quickly. “I know you think you knew Jim’s wishes as far as what he wanted when he died, but he changed his mind on a few things, and I am going to honor them.”

“What things are those?” Aunt Lodi asked, with heaviness in her tone.

“He told me I could have a wake and funeral and he asked to be cremated. The urn will be with me until I die, then Jessica and Jason . . . and of course you if you’re still alive. You can take turns with it at the residence of your choosing.”

Paulina made a small noise and asked to be excused. Jessica wanted to do the same, slink away and let these two have words over what they thought best. While Jessica could see her father softening about the wake, maybe about the funeral as long as God was not involved, in no way could she see him agreeing to be confined to an urn. She envisioned his ashes being thrown into the creek on Aunt Lodi’s property, or in the woods.

“Katherine,” Aunt Lodi said, opening her balled-up hands and placing them on top of the dining room table. “You really expect me to believe that Jim asked to be in an urn?
An urn?
Are you crazy? There is no way in hell Jim would want that.”

Her mother started out slowly. “Lodi, you do not know the goings-on between a husband and a wife.”

“That may be true, but I know my brother, from my core, Katherine, from my core, and I know there is no way his spirit would wish to be on someone’s mantel.”

“His family’s mantel,” she interjected. “His family’s, where he belongs.” Her voice cracked and tears fell down her face.

“Ladies,” Jason said, from his quiet place next to Jessica. “I think we need some time to mull over what was said. We need to really think about what is best for everyone, but know that not everyone will get what they want.”

Jessica looked at Jason, the way he eased himself into the conversation and his choice of words. She was in awe of her little brother, and after a few thoughtful minutes wished she could be more like him.

It only took a split second, but in her head, Jessica challenged herself, pushing to have a voice in a home that had made her so submissive.

“I agree,” Jessica said forcefully. “Mom, I think we should take an hour or so and come back together, to figure that last part out, you know, the urn part.”

Her mother blotted her eyes with the corner of her cloth napkin and nodded.

Jessica decided she would sleep in the guest room, Paulina in Jessica’s old room—door back on, and Aunt Lodi in the basement bedroom. Jessica barely turned her head as she walked past her old bedroom to the guest room. The crushing feeling she had as she walked past was too much to bear. As she unpacked her duffel bag, she took notice of her body; the tightness in her shoulders, even her neck, was not letting her turn her head all the way to either side. And if her tension and soreness were not enough, her feelings were in an arm-wrestling match with her body. Jessica lowered herself on a chair and opened the window it was next to, breathing in the city smells she did not miss; no comfort was in the pollution that hung heavy and covered the grass and trees. Even the blooming tulips and daffodils seemed to be steeped in smog.

Jessica rubbed her temples slowly and methodically, closing her eyes and asking God to help her with the sorrow that was stuck in her throat and belly, to help her get through the next couple of days, and to please take away her pain.

“Mom . . .
Mom.
”

Jessica startled awake from the chair she had fallen asleep in as Paulina was holding her cell phone out to her. “It’s Seth.”

Jessica told Trevor when he arrived in the morning what happened to her father and knew it would not be long before hearing from Matt’s family. She assumed most of them would do their best to make the drive to Chicago to be a part of the wake or funeral, Jean too.

After talking awhile to Seth, Jessica hung up and turned her attention to Paulina, who was sitting on the king-size guest bed, her back against the Queen Anne headboard.

“So most of the family will be coming for the wake, which I thought would be in the next two days. Seth will be at the funeral, since Matt’s in Ireland. Jean’s also coming to the funeral.”

“Whenever that is,” Paulina said sarcastically.

Jessica gave her a look.

“All that garbage down there, what to do with his ashes, the urn. Why not let Grandma decide? I mean, that is his wife. Shouldn’t she know what’s best?”

Jessica sighed. “Well, Grandma’s intentions may appear good, but Aunt Lodi had a point. He would never ask to be in an urn. In fact, if memory serves me correctly, he announced one night that he wanted to be cremated, no church service, and his ashes to be spread on Aunt Lodi’s property.”

“I think Grandma should decide. She was, I mean is, well whatever she is now, she’s the wife and should decide.”

Jessica gave her a cautious look. “It’s good to have an opinion, but let Grandma and Aunt Lodi figure out the rest, okay?”

Paulina gave her a devilish look, the kind her father used to give to Jessica, and said, “Okay.”

Paul was a topic that was not often spoken about. At three, Paulina would ask if she had a daddy, which would send Jessica into the bathroom and Aunt Lodi to pick up the pieces. The only thing Paulina knew about her father was that he was Jessica’s high school sweetheart, who was met by a terrible accident and died. It took Jessica a long time to say the last part. Actually, Aunt Lodi had been the one to say it, and eventually Jessica confirmed it. As Paulina got older, she would ask for pictures of Paul, or other family members, but Jessica would sidestep the requests, even saying most of his family was dead too. Eventually Matt and his family gave Paulina the father she craved and the extended family she longed for, and gradually the questions faded into silence.

The group, including Paulina, convened within the hour sitting around the dining room table, looking at each other in silence. As Lodi opened her mouth to speak, her mother’s words rushed in first.

“I thought about what you said, and I will agree to have his ashes spread on your property, if you would agree that I keep a small piece of his ashes in an urn.”

Jessica’s mind became distracted, wondering which part of him she would want. His heart?

Aunt Lodi, whose expressive face was being weighed down by baggy eyes, acquiesced, as long as Jessica and Jason were in agreement also. Upon hearing their names, they gave each other a quick look and then nodded in unison.

Her mother pushed over a piece of paper that listed the plans for the wake and funeral. The wake would be held tomorrow, and the funeral the following day but not in a church; it would be held outside in a forest preserve that he liked to hike in when the city shredded his nerves. Aunt Lodi thanked Katherine for planning something that Jim would have smiled upon, and with those words, tears started dropping from her eyes. Her mother tried to smile, but it looked crooked as she got up quickly from the table and said she was retiring to her bedroom and would see everyone tomorrow morning.