Holding On (2 page)

Shame came from a broken home and was
abused both physically and emotionally by both his mother and
father.  He is not proud of his past and what he did to
survive the years of abuse, but Doc wouldn’t allow him to forget
the events that had created and instilled his character, therefore
made him wear his name as a badge of honor, a survival tool.
 They will now forever call him Shame.

His given birth name was Neil Carrick
but since being patched into Peril, he no longer acknowledges his
relation to anyone but Doc and the Club brothers.  Being that
he is Hem’s best friend and confidante, he had been the only ‘man’
in my life other than my father and Hem during my youthful years.
 Hem trusts him implicitly and that trust includes taking care
of me when it’s needed.

That said, I have also crushed on
Shame since I can remember the first time he picked me up off my
bicycle when I was seven.  With his dark black hair and silver
blue eyes, his bright smile and those dimples that rarely make an
appearance; he makes it hard to remember to steer clear of any male
member of the Club.

I’ve seen Shame with women. At times
it was appalling, but never the less I had always yearned to be one
of many, even if only for one night.  As I got older I was
convinced that being Shames woman would not be an easy position for
someone like me.  He doesn’t do relationships, hell he doesn’t
even do the whole dating passage.  Nope, Shame is all about
sex and how much of it he can get in order for him forget about his
past.  I hate this for him, he’s a good man, great friend, and
it’s already been established the man is damn gorgeous.  He
could make a woman feel lucky to have him just by letting her hang
on his arm and many Club whores have expertise with that feeling.
 I just had to give up the dream that I would ever be that
woman.  So as I stare back at those dimples and remember why I
seem to be fuming, I’m back at Hem.

“
Do you think you could
explain yourself, please?” I am seriously pissed off, not from just
Hem but from looking at Shame. God Shame is beautiful in a macho,
badass, ‘I’m going to eat you for breakfast’ sort of way.
 

Hem looks shocked and
hurt, and still he’s quite a bit into the drink.  “Mace, every
Club has a Princess, you’re it.”  Okay, I’m getting nowhere
and fast.  I decide to end the conversation after realizing we
have an audience.  

I look for Greyson and he is not to be
found. I am relieved he missed this little announcement.  I
hope to hell he isn’t within hearing distance because if he is that
means my evening will be spent bringing him down from his anger and
disgust towards the Club, my family.  

“
I sent him to get you a
glass of wine.” Sadey pipes up from behind Hem.  “Also sent
him to remove that plug from his ass. Seriously Mace, how do you
put up with that?  Jeez Mama, he must be a damn Saint in the
sack!  Ya know he isn’t any better than us but he looks down
at all of us as if he is imagining crushing us with his
shoe!”

Well, thank hell someone
was thinking and sent him away!  Greyson tolerates my family
of bikers, but to say he tolerates them is putting a stretch to it.
 He is particularly disgusted with Shame and Hem and he is
just barely civil to Sadey, only because she’s not a Club member or
affiliated in anyway other than Hem is the love of her life.
Greyson doesn’t even know this because if he did she would rate
next to them, lingering at the bottom of the food chain.

“
Sadey,
stop being dramatic. I’m marrying him and being that you are my
maid of honor, you remember that position you
accepted
willingly
?  I think it would be
best if you give the guy a break, at the same time you can stay off
my ass about it.  Your experience with relationships being
ummm limited, you could stand to chill out and not judge mine.”
 I’ve hurt her but she’s earned that.

I look from her to Hem so she gets my
point without me having to be overly obvious about it, but if she
doesn’t shut up I am willing to go that distance.  I’m getting
tired of defending Greyson, I choose him which means they should
trust me and my decisions that I make for myself.

Shame walks across the drive and grabs
my wrist after hearing Sadey’s comment about Grey and I in the sack
and he doesn’t look happy. Instantly though, his touch is sending a
million jolts of young memories of us when I was 16, he was 28 and
it was my Junior Prom.

I had spent the whole day doing my
nails, hair, and making my dress look flawless.  I wasn’t a
girly girl like Sadey. She was always willing to be in the
spotlight, but she was so insistent that I play dress up that night
and after listening to her beg without remorse, I allowed her to
dress me up.  I was determined to spend the whole night away
from home and in a hotel with Mark, my date.  He wasn’t
anything special but all the other girls had the same plan, except
Sadey, she was too afraid of the opposite sex and had lived by the
mantra ‘I’m saving myself for Hem, he will finally see me one day’.
 At the time she said this, Hem was 26 years old and on a fury
of sex, drink, and drugs.  She only saw Hem as she had when we
were kids.  To her, Hem would always be perfect.

Well so my prom date got sick with
something horrid and cancelled last moment and ruined my plan of
becoming a woman that night. Shame had come to my rescue though and
escorted me to the dance so that I wouldn’t miss out on that rite
of teenage passage. He has no idea which rite of passage I was
looking forward to and if he ever had found out, he would have beat
my ass... after Hem was done with it.  Being that Hem trusted
that I was being protected by Shame at the dance, I was able to go
and enjoy the evening with the only grown man in attendance that
wasn’t faculty.  

People probably stared at
us being that Shame was 12 years older than any of my classmates,
but I don’t remember caring.  The girls swooned at the first
sight of him.  He didn’t even have to dress up.  He was
in his signature ripped at the knee, low hung jeans and standard
issued black tee with his cut hugging close to his upper
body.

I remember when it was time
for the slow coupled dances that Shame would put his hand on the
middle of my back and move me on the dance floor effortlessly.
 My body progressed with his as if his was an extension of
mine. I trusted him and was familiar with him. Sadey had said to me
that night, “He looks at you Mace, like he has stars in his eyes.
 Can you see it?  That man will be yours one day.”
 I wanted to believe that.  I
really
wanted to believe that maybe I
was Cinderella and that my Prince Charming that I had crushed on
all the years before had finally come to take me away.
 

When Shame dropped me off at my house
that night, I remember sitting in his car and mentally I was
refusing to get out.  He said “Goodnight Sweetheart, be good
and remember how much I love your face”.  I didn’t want to go
inside and end this evening so I mentally stopped time at those
words.  He’s always said that to me about my face though, so
hearing them was nothing new.  They were Shames words and his
way of loving me, as the kid sister that the thought me to be.
 He isn’t exactly the mushy or romantic type so when he
uttered those words I closed my eyes and imagined he meant them in
another way. I had wished to pretend for just a few minutes that I
was one of his girls and he wanted me as much as I wanted him.
 

I look up to all that is Shame and I
instantly blush as I step back from memory lane.  He gives me
a half grin and nods for me to follow behind him.  Of course
he doesn’t have to pull at me much as I am following with vigor
because I’m still lost in my memories.

“
Give him a break will you, Mace?
He’s feeling a little lost and threatened right now with it being
the one year anniversary of Doc’s death and nothing has been done
about Switch and his crew. We are one year into this and no
retaliation or revenge is even in play.  Doc was a peacemaker,
Mace. So now he’s worried about the Club and its structure.
 We are proving a weakness to them with no revenge for Doc.
Now Hem is attempting to fill in the blanks to ensure its success.
 So far the only plan that we have in place is patching in
Ace, as soon as he starts taking shit more seriously and Gunner,
but damn if he ain’t green and so damn young.  We have other
prospects being considered but this always fell on Doc and now Hem
has to deal with this shit on top of having to deal with avenging
Doc and looking for Switch.  Switch has apparently just
evaporated into thin fucking air, pussy that he is, he’s probably
scared knowing he fucked up in putting a bullet into Doc.
 Then, on top of all this shit, Hem is worried about losing
you.  Not just losing you from the Club but losing you from
the person that you are.  He wants you to be what you spent
your life growing up to be.  He loves you, Mace and wants you
happy and no one here, not one fucking person in this outfit
believes that you are truly happy with that fucking asshole.
 He’s not made for you Mace and you are fooling yourself kid
if you believe that he is your forever.”

I don’t even need a second
to gather my thoughts, “I see that Shame, I can even understand
that.  I’m aware of the pressure Hem is under.”  I
protest skipping over his last jab about Greyson not being meant
for me.  “But I am engaged to Greyson, he isn’t going to be so
understanding of this little announcement and I am not ever going
to agree to this ridiculous proposition I’ve been handed. You and I
both know that Hem is acting out and this ludicrous idea was born
from his grief.  God knows my heart goes out to the Club in
regard to loss of Doc, who was a great man and cannot be forgotten.
As far as Hem’s additional responsibilities, aren’t you supposed to
be his Vice President?  You need to get into his ass Shame and
make sure he doesn’t feel alone.  You know Hem, he won’t ask
for help and he will just assume this is all on him.  I worry
about him every day, wondering what’s going through his head and I
fear he will do something stupid.  You know how he thinks
better than anyone, can you help him?  Right now I need to
take some distance; I’m trying to plan my own wedding.  I
don’t have a loving and happy go lucky mother who is excited for
me, okay?   I don’t want to worry about Hem or you right
now, even though you know that I do.”  

I look to my feet and push a rock to
avoid focusing on the growl coming from Shame at the mention of
Greyson and our engagement and upcoming marriage.  I haven’t
even addressed his observation about Greyson not being made for me,
I don’t know how to do that but I need to say something because
Shame is less of a fan of him then Hem.  Shame sees Greyson as
a stuffed shirt; I know this because he tells me this
often.

“
Furthermore, I’m sorry
that I didn’t ask you or Hem or even Sadey what you thought about
Greyson, before I fell in love with him.  He’s kind to me,
he’s gentle and smart and he adores and cherishes me which we both
know growing up around this ‘outfit’ as you put it, that I haven’t
exactly been exposed to those behaviors so you will forgive me for
enjoying it now.”

“
You don’t have to agree,
Princess. There is nothing to agree to. Hem is just lost and he’s
been reflecting this week while grasping at straws in regards to
you and Greyson.  It is what it is.  You have a
dedication, a duty to Hem and to all of us not to change what’s in
here.”

He puts his hand on my chest and
pushes faintly and I know he can feel my heartbeat in his palm and
he continues. “We love you and you are a part of this family
whether you agree to it or not.”  Now I can hear an angry tone
start and decide its best to just let it be... for now.

“
I’m ready.  Let’s
go, we have things to do.  I’m not into being part of the
entertainment here Mace, and after Hem’s little announcement or
whatever that was I would say the party is over for us.  We
have reservations for dinner at the Plaza so if you will come with
me, let’s forget this damn visit ever happened.”  

Shit.

Shame had dropped his hand that was
still placed on over my heart once Greyson had come out walking our
way.  My Greyson.  He looks disheveled and embarrassed to
even be here.  He doesn’t understand this life and he has
always kept almost quiet about his distaste for my brother and
Shame’s choices in living but when he has an opportunity to insert
a jab, he doesn’t shy away from doing so, thus creating more
tension with everyone.  Cavemen must have never communicated
using words, just pissing matches.  

“
Right baby, let me say
goodbye to Hem and we will go, you can go wait in the car is that
okay?”  I’m trying to mollify him, he sees this and lets me
have it. Thank hell.

I wait until I see Greyson finish his
trek down to the drive to his car before turning around. The man
has a beautiful swag and I’ve not been known to avoid watching it
any chance I can get.  A strong gait and confident strides
just do things to a girl.

Going back near the Clubhouse I find
my brother, beer in one hand and Sadey in the other.  I study
him for a few minutes, with Sadey.  They look so good
together, natural even.  She’s got her arms around his neck
and they are swaying to the music blaring from inside the garage.
 Shakespears Sister, ‘Stay’ must have them both remembering
our times down at the lake when we were so much younger.  It
was a peaceful time in our lives, a time that we will always
remember.