Holding On (10 page)

He stares at me and I don’t know what
he’s thinking.  He looks confused, pissed, and hurt.  I
am responsible for that look and my chest constricts because I have
made my Greyson look helpless and lost.  The man I know and
love is broken but I can still see him in there.  His eyes are
still shining for me, I think.

“
Why are you here, Mace?”
 He says just loud enough that I have to strain to hear him.
  He puts his head back down.  I feel his
embarrassment radiating off him.  He doesn’t want me to see
him like this.  He’s always been so perfectly put together in
my presence; this must be humiliating to him.

“
I came to get some of my
stuff that has been here, I wasn’t sure…. I didn’t know where we… I
don’t know, Greyson.  I don’t even know what to say.”  I
want to apologize but it isn’t my place to apologize for both Hem
and Shame.  I didn’t do anything wrong to have to apologize on
my own behalf, my only blame is that I needed to be consoled after
hearing about my mother dying.

He snorts.  “What to say. Well,
how about you say nothing?  How about you just stand there and
look at me with those pity eyes that tell me you feel bad for what
your insane family has done to me, Mace?  Look at me, I’m
unrecognizable.  I do not have a strong arm, fuck I have never
hit another human being in my life!  I’m not built like that.
 Maybe you like this rough look I have here, huh?”

He is now in motion towards me.
 I’m frozen.  In my heart I can feel that whatever he’s
about to say or do to me is justified and I need to let him have
his moment so we can talk and move on, one way or another.
 

“
God, Mace.  This is
so fucked up!  How did we get here?  I love you so damn
much, you have to know this by now.  I’ve given you all of me,
is it enough for you?  Am I enough for you?  Even though
I’m hurt I still love you, honey.  So much that I still can’t
walk away from you after what I saw at the lake.  I don’t want
to share your heart, please tell me that I’m not.  Tell me
that you still love me and want to be here, with me.  Please,
I will beg.  Don’t leave me, Mace.  I’m sorry for what I
said.  I just saw you with him and I snapped.  God I have
never been a jealous person but seeing that piece of shit holding
you, I saw red.  Immediately I doubted we were really true.
 I fucked up, forgetting everything about us.  I felt as
if I was walking into a nightmare.  I’m so sorry.”
 

He’s near enough to touch me, he
raises his uninjured hand to my cheek but doesn’t make contact.
 It’s as if he’s asking me for my permission.  I respond
by leaning to his touch and immediately his eyes close and a single
tear falls down his cheek.  He winces when it touches his
broken lip so I wipe it away gently.  Leaning down he kisses
my temple.  He wraps his hand around my neck, never making any
more body contact than that.  

“
Think about what you
want, Mace.  I’m not going anywhere.  I don’t want to go
anywhere without you so I will wait.  I’m a patient man, love.
 I need to go; I have a meeting with a client.  I love
you, please think about all I have said.”  His eyes are filled
with unshed tears.

He then turns and walks away, leaving
me to miss his touch.  Can a woman really love two men? You
see it on television, read about it in books, but life?  Does
it really happen?  

Chapter
Five
:

“
I know only that what is moral is
what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad
after.”

--Ernest Hemingway

It has been three days since I’ve
spoken to Hem, Shame, and Greyson.  The men in my life are
wreaking havoc on my soul, again.  I haven’t been to see Mom
since her announcement at the family dinner.  She’s been
calling, so has dad.  I can’t talk to either of them right
now.  My voice mail is overflowing with concern but I can’t
listen to them.  I can’t make any decisions about things until
I have had my chance to process.  I need to face these
situations, I know this.  Right now though, I am in my
comfortable nontoxic place here with Sadey surviving on Oreos and
girl talk.

Sadey on the other hand is currently
getting ready for yet another party at the Club.  Hope for her
that this one goes better than the last.  I have no plans to
be there so she’s on her own against Ace and Hem.  

The only voicemail I’ve brought myself
to listen to was from Greyson.  He just wanted to let me know
he misses me and loves me.  He is leaving Ohio and headed to
Texas again, something about an anniversary party at home.
 I’m glad he’s gone now.  Although I haven’t seen him,
just knowing he is near makes it difficult to stay away from him.
 Going back to him without thinking through my feelings for
Shame is the chicken way out.  I have to choose, I love them
both I think, just in different ways.  Greyson is a sure bet.
 Our lives will be predictable and probably boring with a
house in the hills and two kids that look like me but act like
him.

A life with Shame would be passionate
and volatile.  I don’t know if I could withstand a lifetime
living like that.  I’ve never ever known Shame to show
intentions of actually claiming anyone, now that it is me so I have
no reference on how long we could last with him being tied down to
one woman, and I do not share.

Shame is apparently still upset at me.
 He hasn’t called, sent me a text, or even asked Sadey how I’m
doing or where I am.  In all these years of knowing Shame,
he’s never intentionally blocked me out like this.  I’m not
sure now, but maybe he really does hate me.  That makes my
heart hurt more. Damn.

No way can I approach Hem; he’s so
angry and believes that I am in on some great scam with dad and
Greyson.  Hell, I was so wrapped up in Greyson’s words when I
saw what they had done to him I couldn’t even begin to question him
about those photos.  I can’t until I decide where I belong.
 My brother and Greyson only agree on one thing, loving me.
 I don’t want to choose, I can’t choose.  I want a
required choice to not even be an option.  

“
You know, stewing and
sulking is a terrible color on you, friend?”

I hate when Sadey is chipper.  I
knew I should have added more sugar to her cereal this morning.
 Maybe if I would have she would be coming down from a severe
sugar rush right about now and she wouldn’t be pestering
me!

“
I don’t know.  I
kind of like my look.”

I say this while motioning to my pink
penguin pajama pants that I’ve had since my freshman year at the
university.  They have seen better days but then again, so
have I.  I pick at a thread that’s unraveling from my penguins
so that I can avoid her disappointing stare.

“
Are you going to the
party tonight?  Ace has asked that I go and meet up with him
for a game of pool.  He’s on a run today but said he will be
back by nine so I’m going to go and wait for him there.  We
can ride together and Ace can give me a ride home if you’re not
ready when I want to leave.  You need to talk to
Hem.”

Disregarding every single damn word
she said after Ace, I start in. “Seriously Sade, did you not hear a
word I said about the man after the last game he played with you
and Hem?  Damn woman, you are a glutton for punishment!”
 

Enter eye roll here!

“
I can’t wait for Hem, and
I’m not going to wait anymore.  I’m moving on, and tonight I’m
moving on with a bald head, tattooed, sailor cussing hottie!
 If he happens to come in the form of Ace, so be it.  He
tells me he’s going to be getting patched in, that’s good news
isn’t it?  It proves the guys recognize that he’s
changing.”

“
Have you heard the story
about the leopard and his spots, cause I’m pretty certain he’s the
leopard and you’re about to be pounced!”

Again, I’m rolling my eyes.  This
conversation is going nowhere and I’m losing valuable sleep and
sulk time!  

“
Get
your ass up and moving into the shower so you can come with me
tonight, Mace.  You will have fun and maybe you can talk to
Hem.  He loves you. You are his kid sister, his family.
 Come on, really.   What else do you have to
do
other
than shower?  My friend, sweet sweet friend, you stink!”
 

Good thing that woman is standing over
10 feet away and I don’t have the energy or desire to move from
this couch.  She’s so annoying when I’m into my
depression.

“
We will see.  That’s
my answer.  Now, go about your own business and let me back to
mine.”  Grabbing the remote I hit play on the movie I was
watching before she steamrolled in here like some Saint on a
mission to save.  Zombies are once again developing onto the
screen and I’m blatantly ignoring her wheeze as she studies the
gore they are leaving in their wake.  God the woman is a
romantic, if a movie isn’t all about confessions of love she just
can’t stand to watch.

*****

“
I hate mirrors.” I say to
no one.  I’m standing in my room, looking at my full length
mirror.  I’m not dressed up, and when I mean not dressed up, I
mean I look like a woman in child’s clothing.  I not only do
not want to attend this party, I do not want to draw any attention
to myself during this party!  

Sadey left already, under
the assumption that I may or may not show up later.  I already
knew I was going but I wanted to keep her guessing.  I am only
going so that I can talk to Hem.  He is the glue that holds me
together, literally.  When he and I are at odds, it seems
everything falls apart and right now before any more time passes
I’m going to ask him for my damn glue back.  Hopefully he’s
had some time to think things through and he has come to realize
that I love him more than the moon and back and he understands I’m
not involved with Grey and Dad and their
alleged
shenanigans.

Pulling up to the compound I can
already hear the party in full swing. Nickelback always good party
music, is coming from the common area jukebox.  Mental note, I
should have come earlier.  I realize a bit too late that Hem
could be knee deep in alcohol by now or dick deep in a Club whore,
hooker, slut... Whatever.  Lines of bikes are arranged on the
platform so I know I’ve got a long walk ahead of me.  Thank
hell I wore my sneaks, ever the good choice.  

Out of my car walking ahead, replaying
what I am going to say to make Hem give me back my glue, I hear a
soft moan.  Not surprising being that this is the weekly Club
party, and well, a Club party is a Club party and sex is always on
the blackboard.  It is the familiar voice that I hear
somewhere next that stops me in my tracks.

“
Come on, Ace.  I do
want you.  However you want to give it to me, just do it
already.”  Oh like hell I do know this voice!  I scan the
area of cars until I spot Sadey’s coupe.  My steps increase as
I hear her giggle.  Oh hell to the no she is not doing this
here in her car, at a drunken party, at the Club, with asshat Ace!
 Rat bastard of all male sluts, shit starter, lion among the
lambs. Okay, I don’t like him.  At least I don’t like him with
Sadey or anyone else that I know.  Sadey is Hem’s and even
though he’s too dumbass to see this at the present time, an
interception from Ace could delay it forever.  No!

“
What the hell are you two
doing out here?  The party is inside, Sadey!”  I whip the
door open and she adjusts her jean shorts and barely there tank
before she and Ace scramble out of the car and around to my side of
it.  

“
Did I miss something
cause I thought it was rather chilly this evening and my sweet
sweet friend, hooker is not a good color on you!”  I’ve used
her words against her, score one for me please.  “Furthermore,
Ace put your small bat back in the cave.  This isn’t an
amusement park and no one wants to see the smallest bat in town.”
 Another score for me?  I think so. Hell I’m reeling them
in!  

Anger rolls out of Ace, but really
what is he going to do?  He knows about Sadey’s love for Hem,
the whole damn Club knows and that makes him an asshole for taking
advantage.  I am fairly certain that is a role he has played
before.  Probably a role he excels at.
 Bastard.

“
Wow,
Mother!  Sorry I didn’t ask permission to bring my 22 year old
self out on a date.  This is what people do on dates, Mace.
 You probably wouldn’t know though, hard to remember dates
when you only remember
daydreams
of the same person for the
last 15 years!”  One for Sade and one big bad jab to my chest.
  

Ace raises an eyebrow at me as Sadey
turns in getting close to my face.  “Shit I’m sorry, I didn't
mean that.  I know you love Greyson, he’s great.  I’m
sure he takes you on many dates.”  I’m not mad, just hurt.
 Brutal truth, it always hurts.

“
Stop mumbling Sadey
Marie, can you just get back to the inside please?  The last
thing I need to worry about is you pulling out the V card in a
parked car with King Jackass during a party at the Club.”
 Right when I say that, I know I say it but cannot take it
back.   

Double dammit!

“
What?  Did she just
refer to you as a virgin, Sadey?”  Ace looks...pissed?
 Well this is new show.  I’ve never seen the little snake
show any emotion other than perversion, which in fact is an emotion
if you’re Ace and you excel at it daily, and he does.