Hold On (37 page)

When I first told Ellen a few weeks ago I didn’t think I could be with Julian, she
implored me to really think it through. When I told her we broke up she wasn’t very
understanding. It bugged me then and it bugs me now. I’ve gotten that reaction from
everyone. They all want me to just deal with the fact he fathered someone else’s child
and live happily after as the step-mom. I’ve tried to justify my decision over and
over and each time I get the same response. I’m over it and I tell her.

“I know you think me breaking up with Julian was stupid. Maybe it was. But I didn’t
feel like I had a fucking choice, Ellen.” Here come the tears again. “Every time something
about the baby came up it would make me want to vomit. It’s an unborn baby and I resented
it. I resented her and I resented him. I tried for two weeks and felt like I was going
to explode. Everything changed and I don’t have what it takes to survive that role.
I felt like the other woman and I couldn’t be that to him.”

She starts to talk and I cut her off. “And as far as Luke goes. Yes, I chose to cross
a major line with him. I took a gamble and it totally backfired. I lost my best friend
for the second time this summer. But I wasn’t the one who chose to torpedo it the
first time. Luke did that. If he would’ve just kept his mouth shut we could still
be friends and I wouldn’t have lost him too. It’s not fair, Ellen. I’ve lost so much.”

I assume she doesn’t want to argue with me or upset me further so she backs down.
“You’ll get through this, Lexie. You’re strong and you have a great support system.
You aren’t alone, no matter how it feels right now.”

I glance at the clock and see our time is up. I get up and she does the same. She
gives me a hug and walks me to the door. “Hang in there.” I thank her and say goodbye.
As I walk down the stairs and out to the parking lot, I decide that not seeing Ellen
anymore is going to be part of my fresh start. I’m done with this too.

Nobody is at my house when I get home. Marissa’s aunt has been in the hospital for
the last few weeks and she’s been spending a lot of time there. Shannon is never here
anymore. I think about what Ellen said. She’s wrong. I am alone.

I get into work early the next morning and am thrilled to get into my office before
I see Serena. She sucks the good energy out of the room and I need all the positive
vibes I can get. I turn on my computer and respond to some emails. I need to set some
appointments today so I open up my calendar. I look at the date and realize it was
five weeks ago this Saturday that Julian proposed. Five weeks ago I was the happiest
and luckiest girl in the world. It feels like a lifetime ago, but at the same time
the pain I feel reminds me it was so very recent. I literally shake my head to try
to dispel the memories and focus on work. My direct line rings and I when I answer,
Warren, the client Danny referred, is on the other end. He asks if he can come in
today because he has to go out of town on Friday. I’m pretty open today so we make
plans to meet right after lunch. We spend about a half an hour talking about what
he’s looking for. I want to make a list of units to see and this information helps.

I’m stoked he called and switched the appointment. Now I can leave earlier on Friday.
Actually, I decide to take the whole day off. I send an email to Diego letting him
know and head up to the front to check the coverage for tomorrow. Everyone except
me is scheduled to work all weekend. I know Diego is doing this because I’ve been
working non-stop.

When Warren shows up he isn’t at all what I’m expecting. For some reason I had pictured
a good-looking, well-dressed man in his forties with an attitude and a lot of money.
I pictured a Player. What I got was a balding, chubby man in his fifties who’s reserved,
polite, and in dire need of a makeover. I don’t want to like him. He is, after all,
a man who’s cheating on his wife and buying his baby mama a new condo. It hits way
too close to home for me. But, I can’t help but like him. He’s funny and actually
has a great sense of real estate and design knowledge. We talk about his software
company, his wife, and his kids from said wife and about how he’s lived in Miami his
whole life. We talk a little about Danny. I almost forget I’m helping him buy a place
for his lover. We never really talk about his lover, he refers to her as “she” as
in “she will like the size of the closet”, or “she” would rather have an east facing
balcony. I just roll with it, and try to make the sale. He seems fond of a two bedroom
that faces the ocean so we spend a good amount of time discussing all of the features.
After we finish going room by room he asks to see the rest of the property.

I show him the entire property which takes an hour. A lot of time clients like to
wander around and familiarize themselves with the amenities. Warren wants me by his
side for the whole tour. It pays off, because at the end he tells me he wants to put
down a deposit on the two bedroom unit I showed him. I try not to act unprofessional,
but I want to jump up and down. This is my third sale this week and it never happens
this quickly. I usually show a unit four times before I make a sale. He’s committing
after a few hours. Warren is paying cash and wants to close ASAP, just like Danny
said. I make some calls while Warren is in my office and find out we can close as
early as next Friday. My company likes to speed things up for cash buyers. We make
an appointment for him to come in and sign the contracts. I give him my cell number
and tell him to get in touch if he needs anything. I walk him through the lobby. When
we get to the door he turns and takes my hand in his.

“Thank you for not judging me, Alexa. Danny told me I was in good hands and he didn’t
lie. It was a pleasure to work with you.”

“It was a pleasure meeting and working with you too.” The smile I give him is genuine.
“Please call if there’s anything you need. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll see you
next week.”

Okay, this is so freaking awesome. I head to Lauren’s office to share my news. She
tells me she made a sale today too. It’s a great day for both of us. I let her know
I’m going to go to Tampa tomorrow, and that I need a rain check for going out this
weekend. I ask if she wants to grab a quick drink after work before I head to my parents,
but she has plans with a guy she met through another friend last week. We both grab
our stuff and head out together around five. We’re talking about my little trip to
Tampa as we’re walking through the lobby, and Serena overhears our conversation.

“Did I hear right, Alexa? Are you moving to Tampa?”

Lauren turns and answers for me. I swear she totally enjoys this.

“Going to Tampa, not moving to Tampa. Sorry, Serena.”

I look at her and something in her eyes lets me know she wasn’t referring to the conversation
Lauren and I are having. She overheard me talking to Andrea. Crap. Time to do damage
control.

“No, Serena, just going to visit my sister.”

She purses her lips and cocks her head to one side. She isn’t buying it. Oh well,
there isn’t anything she can really say.

“Well, have a nice visit with your sister.”

Oh yeah, she heard me and Andrea talking.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

My mom made her homemade lasagna and I’m glad because I’m actually feeling hungry.
We sit at the island in the kitchen and have a glass of wine. My dad isn’t home from
work yet. My mom and I are thirty minutes into dinner before she brings up Julian.
I made the mistake of telling her Danny referred a client to me. It opened the door
to talk about Julian I guess.

“Maybe Julian told him to do it.” I just told her about the run in at Jett’s.

I shake my head in disagreement. “He was surprised to see us together. I’m sure it
was all Danny’s idea.”

My mom shrugs her shoulders. “If you say so. But, it wouldn’t surprise me if Julian
wanted to do something nice for you. I mean after what he did.”

My mom knows I broke up with him. “Mom, he didn’t do anything to me, at least not
intentionally, and I broke up with him, remember?”

She shakes her head and takes a sip of her wine. “Yes, I know the story. I know he
didn’t do anything on purpose, but he broke your heart and I’m not so inclined to
feel warmly about him. I mean, did he really think you’d stay and raise someone else’s
child? You’re too good for that, Alexa.”

Her words make me cringe. When it comes out of my mom’s mouth like that it sounds
horrible and I couldn’t disagree more. I’m not too good for the situation. I’m not
good enough for the situation. I’m not strong enough to be okay with another woman
being in Julian’s life forever. While my mom rambles on about whatever, I tune her
out and ponder whether my decision to end things with Julian has anything to do with
my up-bringing. Everyone in my entire extended family is married and has had children
the traditional way. There are no step-families and no adoptions. Ugh. I don’t want
that to be a reason I walked away from Julian. I quickly remind myself of all the
reasons why staying with Julian was a bad idea for me. Being too good for him doesn’t
make the list.

Luckily my dad walks in right when my mom starts talking about Jill and Derek and
their lack of children. Jill hasn’t told my parents anything yet. My dad grabs a plate
and sits next to me at the island. We spend the rest of the evening talking about
Tracy and the girls and about my dad’s golf game.

My mom has some old photo albums she wants me to give to Jill and leaves the room
to go get them. My dad takes my hand.

“How are you doing? I mean how are you really doing?”

My dad has always been supportive of me but he isn’t very touchy feely. More often
than not his quiet strength and calm demeanor have helped me through tough spots.
His question and emotional tone touch me.

“I’m okay Dad, hanging in there.” I feel myself choking up a little.

“I’m worried about you, honey. You look skinny and tired … and sad. It breaks my heart.
I may not tell you often, but I love you, and I’d love to see you get the happiness
you deserve.”

Tears spring to my eyes. “Thanks, Dad. I am sad and I haven’t been sleeping great
but I’m going to be okay. It’s been a rough year.”

“That is has. I know your mom seems hard to talk to sometimes, but she really loves
you too. She just wants what’s best for you. She goes about telling you that in the
wrong way sometimes, but she means well. We’re both here for you, whatever you need.”

I wipe a tear from my eye and reach over and hug him. He returns my hug in a way only
a dad can. It’s the most comforting feeling I’ve felt in weeks. I wish I were a little
girl and I wish he could make all of this pain go away. But he can’t. Nobody can.
His attempt means so much though, and for a moment I don’t feel alone. My mom looks
surprised when she walks back into the room. She smiles and comes over and hugs me
herself. It’s exactly what I need.

When we’re saying goodbye at the door a little while later, she hugs me again.

“I love you, Alexa Rose. You’re a beautiful woman who deserves nothing but happiness
in her life. I know it will come for you, honey. Hang in there.”

“Thank you, Mom. I love you too.”

My evenings with my parents don’t always make me feel good. I usually leave their
home feeling like a failure. I didn’t tonight, and as I fall asleep, I take comfort
in their words and for the first time in a week, I have an uninterrupted night of
sleep.

I get up early and go for a quick run. I’m going to be in the car for five hours and
this is a good way to start my day. I shower, pack for the weekend, grab some coffee
and am out the door by nine-thirty. I know I’m going to get to Tampa before Jill gets
off work but I figure I can drive around and acquaint myself with the city a little.
I wanted to tell my parents about my thoughts of moving last night, but I’m not sure
how they’ll take it. I think I’ll tell Jill the truth when I see her. She’ll understand.

Jill and I have a great weekend together. Derek is around but really keeps his distance.
Jill says it’s because he wants us to spend time together, but I think it may be because
he knows I know about the affair. I end up telling Jill, over dinner out the first
night, I’m thinking of moving. She’s on board and we make plans to go look at apartments
the next day. She offers to let me stay with them, but I decline.

I get a hold of Dominick early in the morning on Saturday and stop in and spend an
hour with him at W&M’s new project. He gives me a tour, and basically an interview,
while we’re out walking around. It’s not The Promenade, but it’s a nice development
and I leave with a sense that Dominick would welcome me to the team if I want to move.

I pick Jill up after and we spend the rest of the day touring Tampa. She takes me
everywhere and we pop in and look at a few apartment complexes. I like what I see
and think Tampa has everything I’m looking for, which really translates to no men
from my past. We’re exhausted by the end of the day, and for the first time in weeks,
I’m feeling relaxed and hungry. Jill suggests a Mexican restaurant near her house
and we end up there for hours eating chips and salsa and drinking way too many margaritas.
We talk about Julian and Derek and we both wipe away tears on more than one occasion.
I know we’re both sad, but we’re both pretty drunk as well. It’s the perfect night.
Jill doesn’t try and tell me how to feel or what I should do. She just listens and
I try to do the same for her. Sometimes it’s okay to not have all the answers. We
end up having to call Derek for a ride home and when I finally get into bed at ten,
it only takes minutes for me to pass out.

I say goodbye to Jill and Derek around eleven the next morning and get in the car
to head home. I feel awful. I’m so hung-over from the margarita binge last night.
It was stupid to drink that much when I knew I was going to be on the road for so
long today. I make a quick stop at the gas station to fill up and get something to
drink before I get on I-75. I left my phone in the car and when I get back it’s ringing.
The ringtone “I’m sexy and I know it” is blaring through my car. My hearts starts
to race. Julian. I pick up the phone and watch as the call goes to voicemail. I wait
to see if he leaves a message. He doesn’t. Maybe it was a butt dial. He hasn’t called
me in weeks and there isn’t a reason for him to be calling now. I’m relieved and disappointed
at the same time.

I get back on the road and get lost in my thoughts and the music. I’m in the car for
about an hour when I get a call from Marissa asking when I’ll be home. She wants to
go to dinner. Shannon, Lauren, and my mom also call and I chat with them for the next
hour. I’m glad for the conversation. It makes the trip go by faster. I hang up with
Lauren and turn my music up louder. I’m singing to Imagine Dragons when the music
stops and I hear Julian’s ringtone again. I hold my breath as the phone rings and
I wait to see if it goes to voicemail. This time he does leave a message. I don’t
listen to it, but I don’t delete it either. I try to ignore it but I can’t. I’m getting
ready to hit the play button when a text comes through.

Julian:
Answer your phone please. I need to talk to you. It’s urgent.

I can’t imagine what he could be calling about that’s urgent. I listen to the voicemail
message. My heart hurts when I hear his voice.

“Hey Lexie, please give me a call. I need to talk to you. It’s important.”

Okay, so is it important or urgent? I guess he would need to say critical or emergency
before I felt I had to respond. I asked him several times not to call me and now I
remember why. The sound of his voice makes me weak. I turn the music back up and start
singing. Ten minutes later the phone beeps again.

Julian:
I need to talk to you now. Please call me back.

Two phone calls and two texts in about an hour. Hmm. My curiosity wins out.

Alexa:
I can’t talk. What do you want?
Julian:
You can’t talk but you can text? Please call me.
Alexa:
Don’t want to talk and I shouldn’t text either. Driving
Julian:
Coming HOME from Tampa?

Oh. I didn’t see that coming. I forgot about Serena. She obviously said something
to Julian. His capitalization of home gives it away. I’m not sure what to say so I
don’t reply. My silence earns me another phone call and a message.

“God damn it, Alexa. I need to talk to you, baby. Please answer your phone.”

Baby. My heart sinks. No way am I calling him back now. He’s starting to act like
he did that night when I caught him about to cheat on me. He’s just getting started
and I have a bad feeling he’s going to keep calling and texting me. So, I do what
I did that night. I turn my phone off. I put the radio on instead of my iPod and try
to forget that Julian wants to talk to me. I try, but I’m not successful. The rest
of my car ride is filled with memories and thoughts of Julian. I’m sad and kind of
pissed.

When I turn the corner onto my street at a little past four, the first thing I see
is Julian’s Jag in front of my house. I wish I could say I was surprised, but I’m
not. Deep down I knew he’d be here. I pull in and see him get out of his car immediately.
I’m not sure how he knew when I’d be home or how long he’s been waiting. The look
on his face speaks volumes, he’s pissed. He strides over quickly and is next to my
door as I’m getting out.

“Before you get all bent out of shape that I’m here, remember I tried to have this
conversation with you over the phone.”

He’s in my personal space and I almost don’t want to get out of the car. His sheer
proximity to me makes every synapse in my body fire. I can’t think or act rationally.
Of course what comes out of my mouth is the best defense I can come up with on the
fly.

“I don’t want to talk to you in person or on the phone and I’m not sure why you don’t
respect that. I have to use the bathroom, so if you insist on staying, I’ll be back
out in a few minutes.”

He looks shocked. “I can’t come inside?”

I shake my head quickly. “No.” I walk into the house and into my bathroom. Marissa
hears me and follows me into my room.

“He’s been here for over an hour. He came up and asked me what time I expected you.
I was going to lie but he told me he’d wait all night so I might as well just tell
him. He’s pissed about something but wouldn’t tell me anything. What did you do this
time?”

I wish I could tell her why he’s mad but I haven’t mentioned it to her yet and it’ll
make it worse if she thinks Julian knew I’m thinking of moving before she does.

“I have no idea. He kept calling and texting me on the ride home and I kept ignoring
him. He doesn’t like that. Now he’s here.”

“Well I was on the way to the hospital. Do you want me to stay?”

“No, it’s okay. I can handle this.” I’m not so sure that’s true but I’m not scared
of Julian.

“Okay, but call me if you need me.”

“I will. Give Rosie a kiss for me.” I know her aunt well and am happy she’s on the
mend.

I follow Marissa out and find Julian sitting on the front steps. He’s dressed casually
in shorts, a t-shirt, and flip-flops. He looks great as usual.

I sit down on the steps too. I make sure to keep some space between us. “Why are you
here?”

I know he’s mad because his whole body is tense, but he also looks sad.

“Were you even going to tell me you’re moving to Tampa?”

“When did Serena tell you that?”

He confirms what I already know. “This morning. I ran into her and Yvette at my aunt’s
house. She’s over there all the time doing wedding stuff. She couldn’t wait to tell
me you were in Tampa interviewing for a job.”

“And you believed her?” I deflect the question with one of my own. Or at least I try
to.

“Is it true?”

“Not exactly. I wasn’t interviewing, but I was looking into moving.”

“And you weren’t going to tell me?”

He looks hurt and it’s hard for me to see, but I need to stay strong. “It wasn’t on
my list of things to do, no. Why would I?”

“En serio, Lexie? You’d move and not tell me? What the fuck? How did we get here?”
He shakes his head and sighs in frustration.

I’m as direct as I can be. “It’s not your business, and do you really need me to tell
you how we got here?”

He turns so he’s facing me and the look he gives me breaks my heart all over again.

“You’re my business. You always will be. Did you think I wouldn’t care, or try to
stop you? You had to know it would upset me.”

I’m actually a little taken aback. I thought I made it clear we were done and that
what I did wasn’t his business. “You can’t stop this anymore than I can stop you from
creating a whole new life without me in it.” I sound hurt instead of mad like I want.

He raises his voice, shakes his head, and looks at me with something that resembles
disgust. “Your choice. You chose not to be part of my life anymore. I didn’t choose
any of this.”

“Why are we discussing this again? We’ve gone over this and I explained why I can’t
be with you. You told me you understood.”