He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (25 page)

Their weekly dates suggest that they still have a great time together, and a lot to talk about. The vacations, of course, add even more newness and anticipation.

In a similar vein, this 68-year-old man told us how he and his wife keep sex alive in their marriage of forty-three years: It is less the physical attractiveness and more the emotional love and caring. We have so many shared values and common interests. We have made a great life for ourselves and occasionally sex is a part of it.

By “occasionally,” he means six times a month. He says he compli-ments his wife every day and that he thinks she’s beautiful. He told us: “I love my wife.”

and in the end . . .

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We were so grateful to all of our respondents, and especially to those who shared their formulas for happiness. How simple this man makes it seem: love, respect, and support each other, know that you are still attractive even if you are no longer twenty-five years old, and value the life you’ve shared together so much you work hard at protecting it. And tell that to each other every day.

THREE THINGS WORTH REMEMBERING

Clearly a lot of couples are not having sex because of ED. We’ve written extensively about the various prescriptive drugs on the market that work pretty consistently and safely—not for everybody, but for many.
If you’re a man, and shame and embarrassment are stopping you
from going to the doctor—get over it, and if you’re a woman who feels
threatened by your husband’s need for a pill to get an erection—same
advice.

This brings us to our next point.
Please, if you haven’t done so already, broaden your definition of sex.
Oral sex, mutual masturbation, touching, fondling—intimately connecting to each other with love fits our description. If intercourse is a problem for any reason, do something else.

One last piece of advice:
listen and listen carefully to what your
spouse is saying.
It’s one thing to talk about your problems (and we realize even that is not easy for some people). But truly listening with an open heart and mind to the pain, suffering, and desires of your mate takes effort and commitment. We often sensed that people weren’t communicating their feelings honestly. But we feel even stronger that people aren’t really listening to one another honestly. Nothing in our survey results illustrates our point better than this: 66 percent of the women agreed with the statement “He lost interest and I don’t know why,” but only 28 percent of the men agreed with the statement “
I
lost interest and I don’t know why.” Either the men aren’t talking, or the 214

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

women aren’t listening. The people in our survey are not married to each other, but we can’t help but believe that on these key issues couples are not speaking up. So many seem to be living in a parallel marriage—they’re in it together, and for the long haul, but they’re not connecting physically or emotionally. It takes courage to truly connect with each other. It’s hard to say what’s really in your heart, and often difficult to hear your partner’s strongest desires and fears. But we guarantee it’s worthwhile.

We can’t give you an absolute formula of how to do this—no one can. Every couple has a unique dynamic. But
you have to talk to each
other,
and when you do, before you start, first pledge that you will respect each other’s feelings and be nonjudgmental. You are trying to solve a problem, not prove you’re right. And the problem belongs to you both—it is most definitely a “we” situation. Forget blame, and be willing to take responsibility. This may seem simplistic, but pay attention to your spouse—don’t just wait for an opening to jump in and prove your point.
You have to listen, too.
There are probably a lot of built-up resentments and frustrations, or serious, painful issues like impotence and boredom to be dealt with. And don’t expect to solve everything in one conversation. It will probably take a lot of talking, and listening, and that’s a good thing. We truly believe that the majority of couples aren’t really that far apart; they just have to communicate and do so with empathy.

WHEN
SHE
SAYS “NOT TONIGHT, DEAR, AND

NOT TOMORROW NIGHT, EITHER”

After being told
NO!
97 percent of the time, I finally decided to stop beating my head against the wall. I realized that never asking to have sex meant never being rejected again, so I stopped asking. I’m disappointed, but it sure beats begging and getting turned down all but once a month. (Male, 48) and in the end . . .

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We have said that a sexless marriage is rarely the result of only one partner’s behavior, even if it looks that way on the surface. Putting aside those who go to extremes, the substance abusers who won’t quit, the unfaithful without remorse—there are few if any marital problems that exist in a vacuum. Although the man that we just quoted says that not having sex is the choice of his 45-year-old wife and not him, he also told us that he suffers from erectile dysfunction.

It is possible, therefore, that his wife of twenty-four years felt so rejected by his inability to get an erection that it was simply easier for her to turn him down. She may also be having some perimenopausal issues, such as vaginal dryness and/or painful intercourse. But they don’t seem to be talking about any of this. Like so many men suffering from impotence, the blame has shifted and the problem remains unsolved.

A sexless marriage is rarely the result of only one partner’s
behavior, even if it looks that way on the surface.

After years of being rejected sexually, I got tired of hearing no so I stopped asking. By the time my wife decided to initiate I was too angry and frustrated to say yes. It’s easier to turn my sexuality off entirely than to subject it to being abused by my wife. (Male, 50s)

We mentioned earlier that the low-desire person in a sexless marriage is as likely to be the woman as the man. We decided to investi-gate the issue from the male perspective because we could find so little literature on the subject—the “problem” was usually considered to be caused by the woman. But as we read the responses of thousands of people generously willing to share time and intimate details with us—all the men and women who answered our survey because 216

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

they believed that the first one to implement the no-sex, we’re-married policy was the guy—we came to realize that the low-libido tag can usually be pinned on either partner first, almost at random, and “who started it” is unimportant. A middle-aged male may retreat because of impotence, his wife because of vaginal dryness, he visits an online porn site, she finds out, and then anger and rejection spiral everything out of control. A young man may prefer, early on, the no-risk, no-commitment approach to sexuality that only the Internet can provide; this may infuriate his wife and cause her to be constantly critical, and all hope of intimacy, which perhaps they both feared in the first place, flies out the bedroom door. Wife and husband may be bored, distressed that the passion they once readily enjoyed seems to elude them now, but neither is willing to do anything to recapture even a small portion of that early excitement. But which came first? Anger builds, resentment escalates, and passion fades. So which one is the “guilty”

party? Who was careless enough to be the first one to lose their libido?

It doesn’t matter; the only thing that does is ending the constant shifting of blame. Take responsibility, talk openly and honestly, and listen, really listen to your partner with respect and love.

appendix

Methodology

We used thirteen websites to solicit participants for our survey, requesting people who self-identified as being in a sexless marriage either now or in the past where the man was the one to end the intimacy to respond. The majority of respondents came from www.thirdage.com.

Other sites that provided a lot of participants included www.ivillage.

com/mismatchedlibidos, various regional sites attached to the Man Kind Project (a men’s personal growth organization), and topic-related sites from AOL, Yahoo!, and Google. This is not a scientific sampling of the general population, and self-reporting and volunteering surveys may attract a skewed sample.

More than four thousand people anonymously participated in our survey, 33 percent male and 67 percent female. Many agreed to follow-up online interviews for either additional information or clar-ification. The male mean age is 55, and mean years married is twenty-three. The female mean age is 48, and mean years married is fifteen.

The following demographics refer to all respondents.

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appendix

Level of Education

High School

22%

College 54%

Grad School

23%

Annual Family Income in U.S. Dollars (thousands) 25–50 5%

51–75 20%

76–100 23%

101–200 22%

Above 200

6%

Country of Residence

United States

87%

Canada 5%

Europe 2%

Asia 2%

Australia and New Zealand

2%

Mexico

<1%

Central or South America

<1%

Africa

<1%

Religion

Protestant 34%

Catholic 23%

Other 21%

None 16%

Jewish 4%

appendix

219

Muslim 1%

Atheist 1%

After responding to the above, the survey branched by gender.

MEN’S SURVEY

When did you stop having sex with your wife?

1. Before we got married

2. On the honeymoon

3. First year of marriage

4. After the first year of marriage

The following are possible reasons you stopped having sex with your wife. For each statement, select an answer that corresponds with how important that reason is to you. (Note: We used a Likert scale with options: strongly agree, agree, neutral, disagree, and strongly disagree.) I no longer find her physically attractive.

She has gained a significant amount of weight.

I am angry at her.

I am depressed.

She is depressed.

She isn’t sexually adventurous enough for me.

She doesn’t seem to enjoy sex.

I’m bored.

I lost interest and don’t know why.

I am interested in sex with other people, but not my wife.

I suffer from erectile dysfunction.

I suffer from premature ejaculation.

I have difficulty achieving an orgasm.

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appendix

I am on medication that lowered my libido.

I am/was having an affair.

She is/was having an affair.

I don’t have the time.

I’m too tired.

I am gay.

I prefer to watch pornography online and masturbate.

I prefer to masturbate but not online.

I wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.

If a reason was weight gain, do you think you would have sex with your wife again if she lost weight? (Yes, I don’t know, No) The Following Questions Were Answered by

Yes or No, Unless Otherwise Noted

Did you have an affair after you stopped having sex with your wife?

Are you thinking about having an affair?

Did you go into counseling together?

Did you ask her to go into counseling and she refused?

Did you go to a therapist alone?

Do you watch online pornography? (Open-ended question: If yes, how many hours per week?)

Do you watch adult videos? (Open-ended question: If yes, how many hours per week?)

Did you separate after you stopped having sex?

Did you divorce?

Open-Ended Questions

What is your age?

What is your spouse’s age?

appendix

221

How many years have you been married?

How many times did you have sex last year with your wife?

Please tell us what year of your marriage you stopped having sex with your wife. For example, year 5.

How many times did you have sex with your wife last year?

If there are other reasons, please explain.

Can you briefly describe what you mean? For example, if you find her physically unattractive, why? How has she changed?

Or if you are angry at her, why? What are the issues?

What do you think the future of your marriage is?

If you could do things over again, what, if anything, would you do differently?

Is there anything you’d like to add?

WOMEN’S SURVEY

When did your husband stop having sex with you?

1. Before we got married

2. On the honeymoon

3. First year of marriage

4. After the first year of marriage

The following are possible reasons your husband stopped having sex with you. For each statement, select an answer that corresponds with how important you think that reason is. (Note: We used a Likert scale with options: strongly agree, agree, neutral, disagree, and strongly disagree.)

He no longer finds me physically attractive.

I have gained a significant amount of weight.

He is angry at me.

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appendix

He is depressed.

I am depressed.

I am not sexually adventurous enough for him.

I don’t seem to enjoy sex.

He’s bored.

He lost interest and I don’t know why.

He is interested in sex with other people but not with me.

He suffers from erectile dysfunction (impotence).

He suffers from premature ejaculation.

He has difficulty achieving orgasm.

He is on medication that lowered his libido.

He prefers to watch online pornography and masturbate.

He prefers to masturbate but not while online.

I am/was having an affair.

He is/was having an affair.

He doesn’t have the time.

He wasn’t interested in sex to begin with.

He is too tired.

He is gay.