He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (27 page)

130
A 1990 study found:
Weeks & Gambescia,
Hypoactive sexual desire,
p. 44.

131
If the problem is physical:
Morgentaler,
The Viagra myth,
p. 12.

133
For men with psychological impotence:
Ibid.

133
this decreases to about 65 percent:
Ibid., pp. 142–143.

134
If the drugs prove ineffective, there are other paths to explore:
Friedman,
A mind
of its own,
p. 302, quoting urologist and impotency specialist Dr. Gregory Broderick.

134
Sociologist Susan Bordo recommends:
Bordo, Susan. (1999).
The male body.

New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, pp. 64–65.

135
Abraham Morgentaler elegantly suggests:
Morgentaler,
The Viagra myth
, p. 65.

141
The American Psychiatric Association defines rapid ejaculation as follows:
DSM-IV, American Psychiatric Association, 1994, 302.75.

141
Rapid ejaculation has more recently been defined:
http://www.cumc.columbia 230

notes

.edu/dept/urology/ErectileDysfunction_prem.html; also see Polonsky, Derek C. Premature ejaculation. In Leiblum & Rosen, pp. 305–332.

141
Twenty-five percent of American men:
National Health and Social life Survey (NHSLS), 1992.

142

The fallacy with this approach:
See Schnarch,
Resurrecting sex
, pp. 259–265.

143
it has been theorized that certain men are so anxious to please:
Apfelbaum, Bernard. “Retarded ejaculation: A much misunderstood syndrome.” In Leiblum & Rosen, pp. 205–241.

NINE. CAUGHT IN THE NET

145
When Shere Hite compiled her two classic statistical volumes:
Hite, Shere.

(1976).
The Hite report: A nationwide study on female sexuality.
New York: Macmillan, p. 13.

145 “
almost all men, whether married or single”:
Hite, Shere. (1981).
The Hite
report on male sexuality.
New York: Alfred A. Knopf, p. 485.

146 “
Whether we share our sexuality becomes a matter of choice, not obligation”:
Offit,
Night thoughts,
p. 174.

146

the musical
Avenue Q
:
Lopez, Robert, & Marx, Jeff.
Avenue Q
opened July 31, 2003. The title of the song referred to is: “The Internet Is for Porn.”

146
an estimated $10 billion industry:
Loe,
The rise of Viagra,
p. 65.

146 “
Porn is as old as the cave painting”:
Dr. Joy Browne, interview with the authors, July 17, 2006.

148

Swiss psychiatrist Auguste Henri-Forel warned:
Stopes,
Married love,
chapter 3.

148 “
marriages are briefer than at any time since this nation began”:
Hacker, Andrew. (2003).
Mismatch: The growing gulf between men and women.

New York: Scribner, p. 13.

149

Internet pornography has little in common with the kind of sex we really experience:
Ken Search, LCSW, interview with the authors, July 3, 2006.

149
a digital divide like the one Tom Wolfe mentions:
Wolfe,
Hooking up,
p. 9.

152
Dr. Julian Slowinski:
Interview with the authors, July 14, 2006. All subsequent references to Dr. Slowinski result from this interview.

152

‘
you are as guilty for the thought as you are for the deed’:
Dr. Fitzgerald’s biblical quotation is a variation of Matt. 5:21–28: “If you have ever thought a lustful thought you are guilty of adultery.”

153
When Bob wrote
His Secret Life: Berkowitz, Bob. (1997).
His secret life.

New York: Simon & Schuster.

153

Fantasies do change over time:
Weeks & Gambescia,
Hypoactive sexual
desire,
p. 27.

153–54
Some consider Internet addiction to be growing so rapidly they regard it as
an epidemic:
Ibid., pp. 48–49.

notes

231

154 “
most worrisome” about online pornography:
Leiblum & Rosen,
Principles
and practice of sex therapy,
p. 10.

154
The
New York Times
reports:
Kershaw, Sarah. Hooked on the web: Help is on the way.
New York Times.
December 1, 2005.

154
Otherwise the patient would pay out of pocket:
Kershaw.

154–55
pornography addicts suffer from a combination of emotional immaturity,
lack of discipline, and a fear of intimacy:
Jay Parker, interview with the authors, June 30, 2006.

TEN. NO SEX PLEASE, WE’RE EATING

163 “
lack of attraction to partner, usually weight gain” can be a primary causative:
LoPiccolo, Joseph, & Friedman, Jerry. (1988). Broad spectrum treatment of low sexual desire: Integration of cognitive, behavioral, and systemic therapy. In Leiblum, S. R., & Rosen, R. C. (Eds.),
Sexual Desire
Disorders
(pp. 125–126). New York: Guilford Press.

164
A recent Tufts University School of Medicine study:
Anderson, Sarah, & Must, Aviva.
Pediatrics and adolescent medicine
, March 2006.

165
Hilde Bruch:
Bruch, Hilde. (1997). Body image and self-awareness. In Counihan, Carole, & Van Esterik, Penny (Eds.),
Food and culture.
New York: Routledge, pp. 218–220.

167
a national survey on women, weight, sex, and marriage:
Stuart, Richard B.,

& Jacobson, Barbara. (1987).
Weight, sex, and marriage
. New York: W.W.

Norton & Company.

168

“
The emphasis on appearance [can be] a red herring”:
Weeks & Gambescia, p. 41.

169
an example of a man falsely blaming impotence on his wife’s obesity:
Stuart

& Jacobson,
Weight, sex, and marriage,
p. 51.

ELEVEN. MAYBE HE’S GAY? ASEXUAL?

176

The University of Chicago’s seminal 1994 survey:
Michael, Robert T., Gagnon, John H., Laumann, Edward O., & Kolata, Gina. (1999).
Sex in America: A
definitive survey.
Boston: Little, Brown and Company, pp. 174–176.

176
“3.9 percent of American men who had ever been married had sex with men
in the previous five years”:
Butler, Katy. Many couples must negotiate terms of brokeback marriages.
New York Times
, March 7, 2006.

176
Support for same-sex marriage has been tabulated as high as 40 percent:
Coontz,
Marriage: A history,
p. 274.

176
in America’s twelve largest cities the gay population is estimated to be, on
average, 9 percent:
Michael et al.
Sex in America,
p. 177.

232

notes

177 “
These individuals may not wish to admit to themselves they are gay”:
Weeks & Gambescia, p. 47.

177 “
brokeback marriages”:
Butler,
New York Times
, March 7, 2006. We first came across the term “brokeback marriage” in this article.

182
There is a broad range of possible levels of sexual desire:
Baumeister, R. F., Catanese, K. R., & Vohs, K. D. (2001). Is there a gender difference in strength of sex drives? Theoretical views, conceptual distinctions, and a review of relevant evidence.
Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5,
no. 3, pp. 242–273.

183
In a 1991 study:
Ibid., p. 243.

183
A 1995 study concluded:
Ibid.

183
A 2001 extensive review:
Ibid.

183
in a 2006 online survey:
www.msnbc .msn .com/id/12410076.

183
The American Psychiatric Association defines it like this:
American Psychiatric Association. (2000).
Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders
(4th ed., DSM-IV).

184
Studies have shown it to be more prevalent in females:
Weeks & Gambescia,
Hypoactive sexual desire,
p. ix, in reference to an analysis of the United States National Health and Social Life Survey (Laumann, Paik, Rosen, 1999).

184
the statistics regarding frequency of intercourse for married couples:
Ibid., p. 29.

184
Therapist Michele Weiner Davis states:
Davis, Michele Weiner. (2003).
The
sex-starved marriage.
New York: Simon & Schuster, p. 25.

186
Asexuals Have Other Things on Their Minds:
This saying is printed on a T-shirt available at the AVEN online retail store. www.asexuality.org.

186
researcher Anthony Bogaert published a national study:
Bogaert, Anthony.

(2004). Asexuality: Prevalence and associated factors in a national probabil-ity sample.
Journal of Sex Research
,
41,
no. 3, pp. 279–287.

188
The Massachusetts Male Aging study assessed the sex drive:
Travison, T. G., Morley, J. E., Araujo, A. B., O’Donnell, A. B., & McKinlay, J. B. (July 2006). The Relationship between libido and testosterone levels in aging men. In
Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism,
91, no. 7, pp.

2509–2513.

189
In animal testing, males deprived of testosterone:
Morgentaler, Abraham.

(1993).
The male body.
New York: Simon & Schuster, p. 133.

189
The Massachusetts Male Aging Study estimated that there were about 2.4 million 40- to 69-year-old men in America with a testosterone deficiency:
Andre, B., Araujo, A. B., O’Donnell, A. B., Brambilla, D. J., Simpson, W. B., Long-cope, C., Matsumoto, A. M., & McKinlay, J. B. (December 2004). Prevalence and incidence of androgen deficiency in middle-aged and older men: Estimates from the Massachusetts Male Aging Study. In
Journal of Clinical
Endocrinology & Metabolism,
89, no. 12, pp. 5920–5926.

notes

233

189
the “so-called syndrome called andropause”:
Friedman, Richard A. The waist may expand, but the libido stays fit.
New York Times,
October 24, 2006.

TWELVE. SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO?

195
Half of all marriages in America end
: Hacker,
Mismatch
, p. 198. The National Center for Health Statistics, 2001, forecast that first marriages of persons then aged 25 stood a 52.5 percent chance of ending in divorce. Statistics vary by age and other demographics. See http://www.cdc .gov/nchs/.

197
According to sociologist Paul Amato:
Coontz,
Marriage: A history,
p. 293.

THIRTEEN. WHAT WOMEN ARE DOING ABOUT IT

206
‘Men who have a low drive for sex have an even lower drive for sex therapy’:
Dr.

Joseph LoPiccolo, part of response to authors’ question, via e-mail, October 24, 2006.

208
You can get referrals from . . . the APA website:
See www.apa.org. Click on

“Find a psychologist.”

209
How long should therapy last?
Carey, Benedict. An analyst questions the self-perpetuating side of therapy.
New York Times,
October 10, 2006.

FOURTEEN. AND IN THE END . . .

210
the love you take is equal to the love you make?:
Lennon, John, & McCartney, Paul.
“
The End
,” Abbey Road
, released September 26, 1969.

acknowledgments

Many people contributed to this project, but none with greater impact than our thousands of survey respondents. We are aware of how difficult it is to even anonymously discuss intimate and sometimes painful issues; these people responded with courage, bravery, and eloquence.

The book would have never been written without the enthusiasm of Peter Hubbard, our extraordinary editor at HarperCollins/Morrow. He believed in this topic and its importance right from the start, and his insightful suggestions and editorial comments were always on track.

We are grateful as well to our excellent copyeditor, Laurie McGee.

Sharon Whiteley, Melissa Gleason, and Karin Bilich of the wonderful website ThirdAge.com were invaluable in their professionalism and support—the majority of our survey participants reached us through their online magazine.

Our thanks as well to our friend Dr. Stephen Gessner, who was kind enough to read our manuscript and give so many smart suggestions, most of which we immediately incorporated into the text.

Many people generously shared their wisdom and time: Linda Ballew, Dr. Bernard Berkowitz, Dr. Joy Browne, Dr. Janice Epp, Dr.

Helen Fisher, Dr. Della Fitzgerald, Dr. Max Fitzgerald, Dr. Thomas 236 acknowledgments

A. Foster, Dr. Joseph LoPiccolo, Dr. Bob Mendelsohn, Jay Parker, Dr.

June Reinisch, Ken Search, Dr. Julian Slowinski, Dr. William Stayton, and Liana Zhou. We are deeply grateful to you all.

Thanks as well to Dr. David Hall for his assistance in setting up our survey, to our friend Bill Bernstein, and to Roger Yager for all of their help and support.

Lastly, we thank all of our friends and family who were sympathetic with our lack of availability—indeed, cloistered existence—

during the long periods researching and writing this book, when our only companions were the always interesting and amusing cats, Fred-die and D. J., and each other, which, incidentally, worked out far better than we had even dared to dream.