Hell's Geek (18 page)

He couldn’t wait until Saturday night’s performance. Apparently, the orchestra had been joined by Joey the Flame Lasher. It was said this demonic djinn could whip a line of fire so fine he could create a checkerboard on his victim’s skin. But that wasn’t all. With the application of some herbs and spice, this top-notch performer also provided an olfactory delight while basting his victim and treating the audience to haunting screams.

But that was much later. Right now, he had a different show to enjoy.

Pausing for a moment in front of him, Valaska, clad in her sinfully hot bikini, whirled to plant a scorching kiss on his lips. She never failed to take his breath away. Literally sucking it in when she drew his tongue into her mouth for a pleasurable tryst.

Too soon, her lips pulled away, and he opened his eyes to see a bright smile lighting her lips. “I got this, Dex.”

With a yell, and one hand gripping a rust-proof trident, she dove into the water, and he sat down to watch the show.

Because watching was all he did these days, that and teaching Sweets new tricks. Right now, his pet sea monster was bobbing alongside his vessel, ready for the apples he tossed her way. He was training her to fling them at targets. The next time the kraken emerged, they’d be ready for them, substituting apples for bombs.

If the massive sea monsters ever returned.

For a while now, he and Valaska, along with other ships manned by intrepid explorers—a title that his mother tended to change to vicious privateer—had sailed these waters. Everything was quiet. Too quiet.

Having been on the water his entire life, Adexios knew when a storm was coming.

I can feel it. The ominous weight of portent. The hush before the boom.

Not finding a trace of the cloak figure that had escaped or, indeed, finding anything at all didn’t mean Adexios could shake the nagging suspicion that nothing was over.

I feel like the battle has just begun.
A battle he now looked forward to, especially since he’d have Valaska at his side.

Arms flopped over the side of the boat, and his woman propped her chin on the upraised rim. She eyed him, and he smiled. Leaning back on his pole, he looked down at his bare torso—no more thick robes for him—and said, “See something you like?”

“You know I do.”

“Then come and get it.”

Her lips widened, and she was about to vault into the boat when a tentacle dared wave from the water.

She eyed it with wavering indecision but turned away from it and made to come to him instead.

Over and over again, it awed him that she chose him.

It was that knowledge that made him stop her from getting on the boat. “I can wait. Go get it, brat.”

“Really?”

He nodded. Yes, because the longer he denied himself the pleasure of her, the more intense the rush. So don’t mistake his act for kindness. It was total selfishness.

“And this is why I love you!” she yelled with a spurt of glee before diving onto the tentacle and getting her hands around it in a throttling gesture.

The ease with which she said and meant it never failed to swell his heart. Even the ridicule by her tribe mates didn’t change her decision to live with him. “Someone needs to protect you from women who would take advantage of you,” she’d said.

To which he’d replied, “You can take advantage of me anytime.”

She did.

As the days passed, and Adexios sailed the Wildling Sea, he eventually met up with his dad, their ships almost passing in the night. Neither of them had anything to report, but Dex did have a chance to introduce Valaska to his father.

Charon had high praise for her, and yet, for some reason, the compliment turned her pale. “Nice set of bones. Hereditary I hope?”

At least she’d not balked when his mother asked for a pint of her blood for the sausage she was making for Sunday dinner. Quality ingredients for a superb meal. And, yes, attendance was mandatory, even if his mother had to sketch a portal herself.

Speaking of quality, Valaska’s head broke the surface, and she sucked in a breath of air.

Holding out the paddle for her to grab, he announced. “I love you. Very much.”

“I love you more.”

“Do not.”

“Do so. And I’ll prove it once I get on that boat.”

He couldn’t reel her in fast enough. But he could love her enough, and even better, she loved him back, too.

And that was all he truly needed—that and his interdimensional fridge in the galley that led to his mom’s kitchen.

“You can watch, but keep in mind, I don’t share.” Lucifer’s threat at his engagement dinner speech.

While Gaia’s toast went with, “Beyoncé says it best in her song ‘Put A Ring On It.’ And I’ll add, once that ring goes on, ladies and gents, hands off my man. Don’t say you weren’t warned.”

Lucifer and Gaia’s engagement party was the event of the season. No, century. Make that the affair that would go down as epic in history—much like Gaia would go down and give him an epic BJ if Lucifer could convince her to crawl under the table.

The bride-to-be wore a lovely flowered gown while Lucifer was stuck in a suit, with a tie! But dammit, if he had to wear a tie, then he was sporting the one covered in deviled duckies, custom made for his lovely fiancée.

How could he resist when he saw their rascally little horns? As for Gaia’s reaction upon seeing it?

Grabbing the carefully knotted tie, she yanked Lucifer close and whispered, “You will pay for this, my naughty devil. You. Me. Later. In the garden. The vines will be waiting.”

Shudder.

His almost wife threatened the most delicious things. However, she was also a cruel mistress. After her seductive promise, she sashayed off, but not before tossing him a wink over her shoulder and mouthing, “I’m not wearing any panties.”

To which his daughter, Muriel, who happened to enter the reception area just as this happened, groaned, “Oh, that’s just gross.”

“Sex is a wonderful and beautiful thing,” Lucifer announced. “How do you think you got here?”

“Immaculate conception,” Muriel grumbled.

“Nah. That was my prudish brother who went that route.”

“Where is my uncle anyhow?”

“He’s sulking because I’m getting married first. Looks like my older brother has lost to me yet again!”

“This is not a competition,” Gaia yelled from across the room where she checked on the fire sculpture. It was a re-inaction of the explosion of the volcano at Pompeii.

My fault.
Their passion used to know no boundaries back in the day.

“If it was a competition, I’d have won,” he muttered.

“Grow up, Dad,” Muriel admonished with a kiss to his cheek.

“Never!” he threatened, shaking a fist at her back as she walked away. What a delightful pleasure his daughter had become. Saucy, brave, murderous when threatened, and shacking up with a handful of guys.

If he had the ability to cry, he might have wiped a tear.

Friends and family arrived in singles and pairs and groups for the engagement party and dinner.

All of them came to bask in his triumph. He had netted the most eligible bachelorette in all the galaxy and planes.

Bow to his greatness.

Seriously.

Now. Bow—

Forget it. Your impertinence has earned you a spot in Hell. Remember, I am watching you.

The reception went without a hitch, despite the best attempts by the hired imps to trip waiters and have couples caught in flagrante delicto. But those only resulted in minor flare-ups, nothing worth taping, nothing awesome enough to go viral.

My party is a dud.
It would go down in Hell’s history as the most boring, uneventful, smoothly run engagement party ever!

He had to do something, something big, but what?

It was during dinnertime that he finally noted a glimmer of hope, as there was a disturbance in the Force. Seriously. Someone had stridden past his castle wards as if they didn’t exist.

The sheer gall, and the power that indicated, intrigued him.

Lucifer sat back in his seat, a throne custom-designed from a solid block of obsidian and inlaid with precious gems. He’d had a matching one designed for his wench. A king and his queen holding court.

The lavish feast interested him less than the feel of Gaia’s hand inching up his thigh. She did so like to fool around during dinner. The trick was to not lose control.

A trick Lucifer constantly failed, which was why the chef now thought he loved spinach salad with a raspberry vinaigrette. Then again the hollered, “Yes. That’s it. Give me more!” might have played a part.

Feigning inattention, when all he wanted to do was look, proved so hard. He could hear the whispers from the crowd.

“Who is that woman?”

“Are those tentacles?”

“Does she have three breasts?”
That got him to peek and groan aloud, “Fuck me, the sea hag is back.”

“The sea hag is back.”
The words were repeated in a chain reaction, a chant that accompanied that hag’s sinuous glide between the tables, taking a direct path to Lucifer.

Dark hair in shining, dark green, curly waves danced down Ursula’s back. The tight mermaid dress left nothing to imagine. It hugged the hourglass curve and displayed the full bosom with its shadowy cleavage tease times two. The obviously custom-made gown hugged the three boobs to perfection.

“You can stop staring anytime,” grumbled Gaia with a jab to his ribs.

He clasped her hand in his. “And deny you the enjoyment of jealousy? Even I am not so selfish, wench.”

“I am not jealous.”

“Such a liar,” he murmured. “I love it. I know you hate the fact I slept with her.”

“At least you didn’t marry her. What is my ex-wife doing here?” groaned Neptune, ducking down on the other side of Lucifer in the hopes Ursula wouldn’t see him.

“I don’t fucking know, and I don’t like it,” Lucifer grumbled. “Who had the balls to invite the hag to my party?”

“I thought she was locked in another dimension after her
incident
,” Gaia whispered with a gesture, the coo-coo one that involved circling a finger at her temple.

“Yes, I was locked away. Cruelly and unjustly,” Ursula said, having reached the head table. She stopped and angled a hip, placing a hand on it, still as voluptuously beautiful as ever, but there was something cold and dark in her eyes.

“You went off your rocker and tried to destroy the world. That kind of thing tends to get noticed,” was Lucifer’s dry reply.

Ursula took evil to a whole new level, and it seemed her time away had also honed her magic.

Lucifer could feel the power pulsing from her in waves, as if it leaked from her pores. But why had she come? To taunt him with the fact that she’d escaped?

“I was a tad upset after my breakup with that cheating manwhore.” Ursula’s storm-sea eyes narrowed on Neptune.

The sea god finally found a pair and came out of hiding. Neptune straightened in his seat and stroked his beard. “Maybe I wouldn’t have had to step out if you put out more.”

An “oooh” went through the room.

Lucifer prepared to erect a force shield to deflect blood.

Nothing happened, nothing except for the tiniest of tics by Ursula’s left eye.

“Who truly cares who’s at fault?” Ursula coughed in her hand. “You.” She smiled. “I am back now, and I didn’t come here to rehash the past. I’ve had time to get over that silliness. I have a much better sex life now.” Her laughter emerged high-pitched and ominous. “Today is one of celebration. The Lord of the Pit, the demon who helped lock me away in that dreary dimension with no one to speak to but my constructs and unevolved creatures, is planning to get married. That deserves a gift.”

“How about returning the wilds back the way they were?” Lucifer missed the weed he smoked for relaxation that used to come out of the swamps.

With a melodrama Lucifer remembered well, Ursula flung her head back and placed a hand upon her temple. “Trying to kick me out of my new home already? And after all the time and effort I spent creating it?” She snorted and tilted her head to face him. Ursula’s swirling eyes took on the color of an arctic sea, cold and uncompromising.  “Not happening. I am back, bitches, and I am here to stay. And in a gesture of goodwill and a sincere wish to make things work, I want to give you the kiss of peace.”

Peace offering, no war? No bloody battles or catfights?

Worst party evah!

Curvy red lips puckered for a kiss. As if Lucifer was insane enough to kiss another woman in front of his fiancée. Gaia could hold a grudge. He pulled back. “Couldn’t we just shake?”

“In order to make the peace between us binding, it requires something a little more
intimate
.”

Gaia shoved at him. “Don’t be such an imp. It’s just a kiss. Take it like a demon and get this over with.”

“But you told me I wasn’t allowed to touch anyone else. You threatened”—Lucifer lowered his voice—“my manparts if I did.”

“You still aren’t, except for this one case. Now pucker up, buttercup, and take your kiss like a big boy.”

“Fine. But I won’t like it.”

Lucifer leaned forward and presented his mouth. He closed his eyes, too, as Ursula pressed in close. Closer.

Don’t like it. Don’t like it.
No matter what Gaia said, Lucifer knew he’d be in big trouble if he did.

Thankfully, Lucifer barely felt the touch of Ursula’s lips. Just a tiny electrical shock. The teensiest of zaps.

The entire assembly held its breath. You could have heard a fairy let out gas.

And…Lucifer felt nothing. No urge at all to toss this past sex partner and ex-wife of a friend—which made sex with her totally taboo—onto a table and have his way.

As Ursula pulled back and he opened his eyes, a relieved sigh went through the room.

A room full of the people he loved most in all of Hell. The world. Everywhere.

As Lucifer’s gaze bounced around from face to face, he noted the people he’d gotten to know over the years, some of whom he’d personally mentored—and, according to a few, traumatized. He saw many minions whom he’d forged in the fires of hell and made stronger.

To see so many of them here, supporting him, made his heart swell, and he couldn’t help but exclaim. “I love you! Each and every one of you. Group hug!”

The devil held out his arms, but no one moved. He grinned wider. “Come on. Don’t be shy. Let’s share the love.”

“Um, Luc, are you feeling all right?” Gaia asked, placing her hand lightly on his arm.

He whirled and grasped her hand, holding it tenderly. “Never better, my beautiful fiancée. Have I told you how much I love you? And how excited I am that we’re getting married and spending the rest of our lives together? Ooh. Do you know what would make our wedding day even better?” he gushed.

“What?”

“Abstaining from intimate acts until the big day.”

“What!”

“Think of it as me showing my respect and affection for you. My beloved.” Lucifer couldn’t help but beam, overcome with emotion.

More than a few people gagged.

“Luc, are you screwing with me?” Gaia peered at him with worry.

“Never, my gentle dove.” He would never do anything so crude to his delicate lady.

Gaia whirled away from him, seeming upset for some reason. Perhaps he should offer to fetch her a soothing tea and give her a nice foot massage.

Before he could ask her to sit, Gaia braced her hands on her hips and barked, “Get your fat ass back here, you psycho, dimension-escaping hussy. What did you do to Lucifer?”

Whirling, Ursula clutched at a breast and widened her eyes dramatically. “What did I do? Why only what I said I would. I gave Lucifer the gift of peace. Oh, and it might have had a smidgen of love and respect in there. Look at him. He’s a changed man already.” Ursula laughed, the slow, rolling chuckle of pure evil. “Muahahaha. Muahahahaha.”

“Change him back,” Gaia said in a low growl.

“Um, no. Like I said, the bitch is back, and I am promising some trouble. Enjoy your pussy of a boyfriend!” With a snap of her fingers, and a poof of smoke, Ursula disappeared from sight.

But she wasn’t forgotten.

“Wasn’t that just lovely of her to pop in like that?” Lucifer said with his brightest smile. “Now who wants some cake? Don’t forget to say please.”

The End.

Never…

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