Hell's Geek
Authors: Eve Langlais
Hell’s Geek
(Welcome to Hell #5)
Eve Langlais
Copyright © July 2015, Eve Langlais
Cover Art Amanda Kelsey © February 2015
Edited by Devin Govaere
Copy Edited by Amanda L. Pederick
Produced in Canada
Published by Eve Langlais
1606 Main Street
PO Box 151
Stittsville, ON
Canada
K2S1A3
ISBN: 978 1927 459 80 5
Hell’s Geek
is a work of fiction and the characters, events and dialogue found within the story are of the author's imagination and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, either living or deceased, is completely coincidental.
No part of this book may be reproduced or shared in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including but not limited to digital copying, file sharing, audio recording, email and printing without permission in writing from the author.
“Blowing up volcanoes and starting wars pales in comparison to making hearts explode and encouraging sinful, fleshly delights.” Lucifer’s candid one on one interview with HNN.
Big deal, so he kept losing the oar. It wasn’t Adexios fault the Styx monsters were working against him, but tell that to his dad. Charon is determined to make a man out of him—whether his mother likes it or not—and Lucifer has offered to help. Help means sending Adexios in to the wilds of Hell with an Amazon warrior as his companion.
The savage fighter doesn’t know what to think of her geeky partner. Adexios attracts Valaska with his brains instead of brawn. He also shows a cunning courage she can’t help but respect.
They’ll need all the skills they can muster, though, if they’re going to prevail against the newest threat to Hell. With the wilds submerged by seawater, and monsters hungry for flesh, they’ll have to fight to stay alive, and learn opposites not only attract, they explode. (With passion, not guts, in case that wasn’t clear.)
Welcome to the pit where the danger is never ending, the sea monsters are multiplying, and Lucifer is planning the wedding from Hell.
“Love is but a game and I control the pieces.” Lucifer’s philosophy.
Gaia's retort. "I told you not to tell people about the cuffs."
“Whatever happens, no matter what, don’t lose the oar.” The first rule in the ferryman’s handbook.
The river monster rose from the deep, a massive leviathan with only one evil purpose.
To steal his damned oar.
Adexios held it tight, determined to win. Alas, this time went the same as past tug of wars. The long wooden pole, with its wide paddle end, was torn from Adexios’ grasp. Third time this week.
Charon, the river master, would freak. Dear old dad thought Adexios lost his paddles on purpose. It wasn’t Adexios’ fault the Styx monsters were working against him.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” he yelled at the gigantic beast with its massive hump.
Rather than diving back down, it remained to taunt him as it happily munched the oar while eyeballing Adexios with giant, lidless orbs.
“Don’t you give me pretty eyes,” he snarled. “This is not funny. Now how the hell am I supposed to ferry this newest crew to Hades Port?”
Hades Port, a massive wharf in the third ring, serviced new arrivals. It never closed and always had some of Lucifer’s staff on hand, ready to usher damned souls to their newest lot in un-life. If a person was only moderately bad, they paid a small penance then got to eke out an existence in one of the many rings. Those who were truly evil got the star treatment and their screams rang on the hour and could be counted on to set the time on clocks.
Turning to the quiet crowd, he eyed them where they sat huddled in the middle of the flat-bottomed boat. Some of them still wore a dazed look, unable to comprehend the fact that they’d earned the pit and not entrance to heaven—which had ridiculously impossible high standards.
Adexios cleared his throat. “So, um, we’ve kind of run into a problem. That was my only oar.” Actually it was his spare, as his original one had also been munched. “We need to get this boat moving. Any volunteers to get in the water and pull us across the river?”
As a group, the damned souls glanced to the monster still lounging alongside and, of course, it chose that moment to smile, showing jagged teeth with fleshy bits caught between. The souls snuggled closer together and shook their heads violently.
Adexios sighed.
Looks like I’m getting wet again
. But at least this time he’d brought a swimsuit.
The last time he’d had to go for a dip was the day he’d worn jeans under his robe, and in a sadistic twist of fate, he’d not worn underwear for some reason. While he wasn’t against skinny-dipping per se, he didn’t like exposing himself, especially to strangers.
Another point against naked dips? The tentacles that felt a need to taunt his more delicate manparts as he scissor-kicked behind the boat. After that last time, he’d thought his balls would never come out of hiding, and even remembering the slimy touch still made them shrink.
With a heavy sigh, he changed into his swim gear, ignoring the snickered, “Look at how white his butt is.”
Try getting a tan when the sun never technically shone. Hiking his shorts over said pale butt, Adexios eyed the dark water. Murky and not the most pleasant smelling, at least it wasn’t cold this far into the rings. The lower section that joined with the Darkling Sea on the other hand… Brrr, chilly.
Adexios had no sooner slipped into the water than a tentacle came slyly exploring. Reaching under the water, he grasped it and gave it a twist.
“Not today. I’ve got a job to do. And I’m late as it is.”
Hours later, his legs not as sore as expected—how could they be when he swam so many times a bloody week?—Adexios tugged his boat to its assigned dock, all his passengers accounted for, albeit slightly traumatized by his lily white legs.
Gripping the ladder, he began to climb, only to stop as his head came even with the weathered boards and he caught sight of the hem belonging to a familiar black robe.
“Oh, hi, Dad.”
Charon moved back a pace, or more like drifted, having perfected the art of eerie movement centuries ago. Speculation abounded as to what hid under his dad’s robes. Even Adexios wasn’t quite sure. Dad never took them off, and Adexios’ mother never told.
“Don’t you hi dad me. How in all that’s evil did you lose another freaking oar?”
“A sea monster ate it.”
“That answer didn’t wash when you were a kid practicing your paddling, and it doesn’t wash now. I understand you’re trying to curtail Lucifer’s favor by lying, but I am your father,” Charon boomed, “and I won’t have it.”
Except Adexios wasn’t lying. The damned sea monsters had eaten his oar, and his Brussels sprouts. But that was a secret he gladly kept to himself. “Whatever, Dad. I lost it, okay? On purpose. Happy now?”
A grunt was his father’s eloquent reply.
“Can I go home and grab a shower now if you’re done reaming me out?” The Styx wasn’t the cleanest river to swim in.
“You don’t have time. Lucifer wants to see you.”
Great. Could this day get any worse? Being sought out by the big man of Hell himself was never a good thing, especially not given the numerous mishaps that kept happening to him. Such as a little while back when he had that mutiny on board his boat of souls.
Again, not my fault.
His dad thought he was napping on the job when the damned ones hijacked his ferry and dumped Adexios on an island. Being knocked unconscious apparently didn’t work as an excuse. Nor did it make him eligible for worker’s compensation, or so he found out after he filled out forms Hell-AC one through one hundred and thirteen, with appendices A through BY. Damned paper pushers. They liked to torture even those who didn’t deserve punishment.
“I need a shower before I go anywhere.” And some clothes. Hedonism might be poplar in Hell, but Adexios preferred to keep his body covered. Especially since his tall, lanky frame didn’t fare as well in the bulky muscle department compared to the demons that bench-pressed boulders with prisoners strapped on them just for fun.
“Are you intentionally defying me and Lucifer?”
No, he just wanted a damned shower.
“Ass-kissing has a time and place, son,” his father lectured.
“Whatever,” he muttered as he leaned over to grab his robe from the boat. His father was still talking as Adexios left, shoes in hand, his wet feet clomping the dock boards putting to rest rumors, in his case at least, that he’d inherited his father’s mysterious physique.
As he made it the few blocks from the wharf to his apartment over a bar, he pondered what Lucifer could possibly want. Reaming him out in person was a possibility. Commending him on breaking the rules, even if by accident, also a potential outcome. Or perhaps, Lucifer, in his quest to rebuild his minion army, had turned his sights Adexios’ way.
I hope not.
It was no longer a secret that the Lord of Darkness was playing matchmaker, and while he seemed to have had some success, the devil also had some failures that were buried, literally, in the dune deserts of Hell in the eighth ring.
Surely the big guy had other minions to torture, bigger, stronger ones. Adexios, while fit, certainly wasn’t the strongest, not by a long shot. Nor was he superbly dexterous or imbued of magic, unless what-the-fuckery counted. His only claim to fame, other than being related to his dad, was being clumsy and book smart. But intelligence was vastly underrated in Hell.
Adexios, to his parents’ shame, had been a straight-A student, and a genius when it came to math. When the other demons’ mothers proudly boasted that their child was barely passing in school, his poor mother had to hang her head in mortification as he achieved honors.
Despite the punishments—no fresh fruit, no reading allowed, and being kept awake past his bedtime—he couldn’t help himself. Knowledge just stuck to him, kind of like the river gunk.
Stripping, he dumped his clothes in the garbage chute that, through some kind of weird magic, ended up in the furnace of Hell. Fuel to feed the fire.
Standing under the hot spray of his shower, he’d just soaped himself when a deep voice said, “Tell me you’re whacking off and not actually bathing to avoid your meeting with me.”
Hear that unmanly squeak? Yeah, that came from him as he clung to the curtain and peeked around the edge. “What are you doing in my bathroom?”
Lucifer’s dark brows arched. “I left strict instructions that I wanted to meet with you the moment you brought in your boat—late again. While I commend you on never being on time, especially since it drives my staff nuts, defying me isn’t conducive to a long and torture-free life. Some would even say it’s moronic.”
“Really?” Adexios brightened. “I don’t suppose you could tell my mom I did something stupid? It would totally make her day.”
You’d think that a grown man in his thirties wouldn’t give a shit anymore, but when his mom was happy, she baked, and given his cooking skills equaled varying degrees of burnt, he could use some home-cooking lest he wither to skin and bones. He was, after all, his father’s son.
“Mama’s boy,” Lucifer uttered with a shake of his head.
The devil said it as if it was a bad thing. Adexios had two-dozen homemade oatmeal raisin confections in his Cookie Monster jar that said otherwise.
“Is there any particular reason you felt a need to rush our meeting? I was planning to come as soon as I washed and put on some clean clothes.”
“So finish off and get dressed. We need to talk.” Lucifer hopped onto the vanity and crossed his arms, whistling as he waited.
“Um, could you like maybe step into the next room while I finish?”
“Feeling inadequate?” Lucifer smirked. “I can’t really blame you. My wench doesn’t call me her stallion for nothing.”
“I thought it was because your fear of commitment made you run like the wind.”
The devil’s eyebrows drew together in a large black hairy beetle. “I fear nothing. Not even our upcoming”—Lucifer swallowed hard—“engagement party. The horror of it. Whatever happened to living in sin? I like sin. I encourage sin. But oh no, she wants to get married she says. She wants to lock me into a monogamous agreement. It’s utterly unnatural.”
Given Lucifer’s woebegone look, Adexios couldn’t help but throw him a verbal helping hand. “But just think of the benefits. Now when you stay late after work, and she harangues you, you can accuse her of stifling you, of not trusting, and of not wanting you to get ahead with your work.”
“You mean start a fight?” Lucifer perked up. “Fighting means makeup sex. I excel at makeup sex. And spontaneous sex. And…”
As Lucifer went on to list the many ways he excelled at fornication, Adexios popped his head back in the shower. Rinsing off the rest of the soap, he wondered, with a curiosity that plagued the mentally acute, what had brought Lucifer to his home.
Locks couldn’t keep the devil out if he wanted to see a person. The big guy had the ability to pop in on anyone anywhere in Hell, but he didn’t do it often. Lucifer claimed a trick like that was most effective when used sparingly. Apparently, the screams were more authentic that way.
Clean at last, Adexios shut off the water then grimaced. Whoever had built this place hadn’t been thinking when they put the towel bar out of reach of the shower. This meant he’d have to flash his boss. No big deal. After all, Lucifer truly had seen it all.
And I’ve nothing to be ashamed of.
Adexios yanked the plastic curtain to the side and stepped out. However, his hand froze in the process of reaching for a towel as he noted, while Lucifer sat atop his vanity, still expositing on the virtues of his lovemaking, a tall, very tall, woman stood in his bathroom.
Did he mention she was very attractive too? Blonde hair swept into a high ponytail, a muscular body that retained an hourglass shape displayed in a warrior-woman outfit consisting of a leather corset, which pushed her breasts high and created a shadowy valley, tight leather shorts hugging curvy hips meant for grabbing, and knee-high black boots that were just fucking hot. She also wore a sword at her side and a very amused expression.
“Well, hello there,” she said, her voice husky and sensual.
Too sensual. A certain part of him perked in interest, and Adexios fervently wished, as his cheeks heated, that a Styx monster would rise from the shower drain and swallow him whole.
