Hell's Geek (13 page)

“She has a point, Adexios. We should hurry before Nemo discovers his troops have been squished and he does something more drastic.”

“Sweets, can you bring me my bag now? You’ll get a treat,” Adexios sang in his most beguiling voice.

Valaska made a noise. “If you ever use that tone with me, I’ll smother you.”

“Seeing as how I recall the last time you did proved quite enjoyable, you do realize that’s not a deterrent?”

He caught the wicked smirk she aimed his way. “I know.”

Shudder. “Hurry up, Sweets. I need to save my delicate lady.”

“Did you just call me delicate?” The incredulity in her reply made him laugh.

“Yes. I’m hoping that will get me punished, too.” How easy he was now finding it to say what he felt—and wanted to do.

His initial awe at Valaska still existed, but it was more an awe at how wonderful he found her and awe that she wanted him back. He no longer feared what she thought of him. Only an idiot wouldn’t recognize they shared a mutual liking and attraction. Getting her to admit it out loud though…that might never happen, given her heritage. But Adexios could live with that, if he could live with her.

However, their relationship details would have to wait for later. Sweets had brought him his bag.

“Such a good girl,” he crooned as he slid his fingers through the bar to clasp it.

While he couldn’t fit the bag between the bars, he did manage to tie the straps to the solid rods while he rummaged in it looking for what he needed.

“Are you looking for a hacksaw to saw through the bars?” Valaska asked.

Gaia made a noise. “Of course not. Adexios is more a man of science and magic. He’s probably got a potion to melt the things.”

“Um, how about none of the above?” He placed his hellphone, located at the bottom of his pack, beside him and then dove back in for the chocolate bar he had stashed. He unpeeled it and, given Mother Nature was staring at him, shoved the wrapper in his bag instead of tossing it from the cage. He then flung the treat with a heartfelt, “Thank you!”

The chocolate was snatched mid-air, and the eyeball rolled in delight.

Valaska muttered, “Are you serious?” while Gaia giggled.

Ignoring them both, Adexios grabbed his phone and dialed, 6-6-6.

“Calling for help? From the devil no less. Might as well kill me now since I won’t survive the shame.” Valaska groaned.

“Don’t you dare call Lucifer,” Gaia hissed. “I’ll never hear the end of it otherwise.”

“Neither of you have to worry. Apparently I don’t get signal in villainous, mortal-side caves.” Adexios glared at the screen that flashed
No Signal, Dumbass
. “Why can’t anything about this mission be simple?”

“Because it would ruin all the fun.”

“Because simple is boring.”

“Neither of you is helping,” he replied as he dug around in his bag again. This time he pulled out a vial, and Gaia shouted, “Aha! I knew the boy had some acid hiding in there.”

“
He
does, but only enough to pop one lock,” Adexios replied as he glanced through the bars and judge the thickness of the lock holding the door shut.

“If you set me free, then I can use my sword to pop the others.”

He glanced at Mother Nature to see if she objected.

Gaia shook her head. “Even if you freed me first, I don’t know if I’d have the strength to do much. I’m going to need to touch soil, real soil, and plants to recharge my magical battery. And I don’t see any of that in this cave. Free Valaska. She can then free us both.”

With that plan in mind, Adexios stretched his arm through the bars while Valaska stretched as well. Their hands met, and for a moment, they both froze, staring at each other through the bars.

“You know, um, maybe after this is all over, we could get a drink or dinner or something?” he said.

Valaska snorted. “Is that your awkward way of asking me on a date?”

“Well, considering I’ve been told Amazons don’t date, I’m not sure what to say, other than I want to keep seeing you.”

“You will.”

“While your flirting is adorable, time is ticking, children. Could we get on with this?”

The bottle left his hand as Valaska grasped it. It took only a few minutes for the corrosive agent to eat through the lock. Not that Valaska waited until it was done. Bracing her back against the bars, she kicked at the weakened door until it popped open. Then, she vaulted out, her half-tucked spin dive making her splice the water with barely a splash.

Moments later, she was on the shore and snagging her sword from the sand.

A new dilemma arose.

“I can’t reach you,” she remarked, eyeing his cage suspended high overhead.

“Loosen the chains holding us up.” He pointed to the spot where the chains were hooked to the wall.

“Okay. But you might get wet.”

Clang.

While her sword had no problem smashing the metal links, gravity worked all too well.

Adexios’ cage went plummeting toward the water, only to stop short as a few tentacles grabbed it.

“Thank you, Sweets.”

He ignored Valaska’s grumble as his cage was deposited on the shore.

“My turn,” Gaia sang.

“In a second. Let me just get Dex out of his first.”

Valaska swung at the lock. On the second smashing strike, the door popped open, and Adexios stepped out.

Only to find himself crushed in a hug and his lips plastered in a kiss.

While no words were exchanged during this torrid embrace, Adexios managed to decipher a few things.

One, Valaska was very happy to see him. And, according to a certain body part of his, he was
really
happy to see her, too.

Second, he could have sworn the woman in his arms was sending a mental vibe to someone or something behind them along the lines of ‘Nananananana’.

He broke their embrace just long enough to ask, “Are you taunting my pet?”

“Just showing her who you belong to.”

Oh.

“In that case, continue,” he replied, diving back in to continue the embrace. Alas, a kiss was all they would have for the moment, as a certain spectator grew impatient.

“Excuse me, lovebirds, but do you mind disengaging your lips long enough to let me loose?”

“I guess it’s true what they say,” Valaska said as she pulled her mouth away. “The older you get, the crankier.”

“Hey!” an affronted Gaia yelled. A second later a rumble shook the cavern.

“Uh-oh, I think you pissed her off,” Adexios said.

“That wasn’t me,” Gaia informed them.

The cavern shook again, and the water began sloshing, which had them uttering simultaneously, “What the fuck!”

Sweets cast a worried look at him before sinking out of sight.

Not a good sign.

Another not-good sign was the fact that the water in the cavern appeared to be rising and getting rough.

“What’s happening?” Valaska asked as she quickly grabbed the harness for her knife and strapped it to her ankle. Adexios made sure he secured his pack on his back and wished he had time to pull on pants. However, water already swirled around his knees, and kept rising.

“I don’t know what’s happening, but you should hurry and cut Gaia’s cage loose.”

“Forget that plan,” Mother Nature shouted. “And might I suggest you get out of the water?”

The warning came too late, though.

The whirlpool that suddenly appeared suctioned the water that immersed them. Caught in the current, with nothing to grab onto but each other, he and Valaska found themselves drawn into the eye of the maelstrom.

“Hold on!” he yelled as they whipped around and around.

“Whee!” Valaska hollered back.

The spin tightened as they reached the bottom and the gaping dark hole then… Darkness.

“The best thing about making rules is breaking them.” From Lucifer’s memoirs, on sale now for $6.66 at all major online stores.

“Where is she? Where is my woman?” The devil’s bellow was heard throughout the nine rings of the pit, and yet, despite everyone hearing his query, no one could give him an answer.

Gaia was gone, but not dead.
I would know if she was dead.
All of Earth would actually know if his woman had perished, seeing as how the world revolved around her.

But while knowing she lived provided some kind of relief, it didn’t help him locate her. There wasn’t so much as a whisper of her presence. And he’d looked. He’d put his entire legion to the task, ordering his minions to search all the nooks and crannies of Hell. He had his spies in Heaven looking just in case his brother was fucking with him again. Lucifer had his spirit spies in Limbo, a gray wasteland, sifting for signs of color, green in particular. The devil had pulled every string he had in the mortal plane seeking his wench.

Not a trace could be found, which meant he could do nothing.

Impotence wasn’t something Lucifer handled well. Especially since this kind of impotence didn’t have a pill to fix it. Even sending his horsemen out in the world to dispense a bit of rage didn’t make him feel better.

“Where has he stashed her?” Lucifer paced his living room in front of the massive stone fireplace that blazed bright—it should, considering he kept it well fed with the bodies of the idiots who kept bringing him back empty reports.

His black Hessian boots gleamed as they struck the striated rock floor. The creases of his pants were sharp enough to slice. The buttons on his coat—shining gold skulls—bright enough to blind. Lucifer was dressed to wreak destruction and to take back what was his.

Once I find my wench.

Lounging in a club chair, sipping brandy with a casualness Lucifer envied—because the sin of coveting came so easily to him—Neptune listened to him rant. “Really, Lucifer, why all this fuss over a woman? One would almost think you cared about the chit.”

“Of course I care! I care that someone dared spite me. The nerve of the bastard, kidnapping my fiancée. This kind of travesty cannot go unpunished.” Left unsaid was the fact that he harbored a fondness for his wench and missed her.

“Or, you could look at it from the perspective that this Nemo fellow did you a favor. I mean, really, the devil getting married? Agreeing to monogamy? What happened to the guy I knew back in the Dark Ages who used to indulge in orgies with the witch covens that summoned him?”

What happened to that devil? He’d gotten tired of being alone. As if he’d ever tell this pompous ass something that made him seem so weak. “You’re looking at this all wrong, old friend. What better torture is there than to be bound to one woman for eternity? What greater sin is there than to withhold my incredible erotic skills and massive dick from females everywhere?”

“Only you would see it that way.”

“That is because I am all seeing and all knowing.”

“I thought that was your brother.”

Lucifer scowled. “Just because God coined that phrase first doesn’t mean he’s got exclusive rights to it.”

“So what are you going to try next, given you can’t sense where she is at all?”

What indeed? He couldn’t kill what he couldn’t find.

Lucifer’s hellphone quacked as it announced an incoming text message—not to be confused with the new hex messages the witches were playing around with. Hex by Text. Lucifer funded their Kick-In-The-Ass-Starter fund and was, so far, loving the chaos the easy-to-send hexes were causing.

He glanced at his screen.

The water levels in the wilds are rising again.

Dammit. He’d rather hoped they’d stabilized. Holding the barrier around the ninth ring was taxing his magical defenses. Poor Nefertiti, his personal sorceress of the last few centuries, was running out of males to screw. Sex-based magic was powerful, but greedy.

How much longer could he stem the tide threatening to wash Hell clean?

Help me.

The whispered plea tickled him, and he looked around with a frown. “Did you say something?” Lucifer asked Neptune.

“Nothing, but I will reiterate that you’re wasting your time. Gaia’s probably off fornicating with that bearded fellow.”

“Gaia wouldn’t cuckold me.” Even if she had a long time ago done it to Neptune—-
with me
. Back then, he and the sea god enjoyed a rivalry when it came to wenching.
I won.
Because once you tasted the devil, nothing else would do.

Luc.

Again that soft murmur came brushing against his senses, a delicate touch that could only belong to one woman.

His woman.

Lucifer clutched at that fragile green thread, a thread that led from Hell to the mortal plane.

Time to go.

He didn’t bother excusing himself with Neptune. That would be much too polite. Nor did he give the sea god any warning as he slashed his hand down and ripped open a portal between Hell and Earth.

As briny water gushed through the crack, Lucifer stepped through the doorway he created into chaos.

What fun.

Raging seawater filled a large cavern dimly lit by some glowing orbs suspended from the ceiling. Within the liquid mess, a spinning vortex sucked, funneling the water within the cave straight into a portal that led to Hell.

Aha, so this is where that liquid mess is coming from.

Interesting, but not as interesting as his wench imprisoned within a cage suspended above the churning waves.

Unlike a certain princess he’d lusted after a few decades ago, she was wearing too much clothing. It occurred to him for a moment to dress her right, but then again, now wasn’t the time for that particular fantasy, given he also wasn’t wearing the right outfit. His favorite black cape was currently at the cleaners.

She’d yet to remark upon his charismatic presence. Perhaps she’d not heard the sound of his magnificence arriving. He would have to work on his attention-grabbing entrances, apparently.

“Wench! There you are. I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” he bellowed.

“Luc?” His name emerged as a whisper.

“Yes, it’s me. Who else were you expecting, that upstart with the sub? I must say I’m a touch miffed with you, wench. How dare you try and skip out on our engagement by taking off with that scruffy, bearded fellow.”

“He kidnapped me.” She uttered this with a little more fire.

But not enough to suit him.

He made a tsking sound. “Don’t you dare try to placate me by making excuses. Come down out of that cage this instant,” he commanded.

“I can’t.”

“Are you defying me?” Usually, it was a turn-on, but in this instance, he was worried that she lacked her usual vigor when throwing his orders back in his face.

“I can’t escape this cage.”

Can’t? That he had to see.

Walking on water, lest he get his authentic boots wet—his brother’s kid wasn’t the only one who could do great things—he made his way to Gaia. He frowned once he got close enough to study the bars entrapping her. “What is this cage made of?”

Lucifer asked, and yet, he instantly guessed as soon as the words left his mouth. How could he not recognize the sinful human waste that tingled his fingers when he touched the bars? But while he might find radioactive waste a pleasant drug for his senses, he knew Gaia was highly allergic.

Someone had discovered her weakness and exploited it.

Usually, Lucifer would applaud that type of deviousness, but given it affected his wench, which in turn affected him—because a blue-balled devil was an unhappy devil—it was unacceptable.

“I can’t escape the pollution, Luc. It’s killing me.”

Never. While Lucifer might allow the mortals to poison the Earth, he always made sure it wasn’t enough to cause permanent damage. Some might mistakenly call it doing something nice for his wench, but he called it making sure she didn’t claim a headache when he wanted sex.

“Is this your way of saying you want my help? I might be convinced for a price.” He leered at her through the bars, refusing to allow worry to show in his gaze. The Lord of Hell did not worry. He also did not rescue, but if a certain lady asked, and promised a favor, well then, he was all about the bargain.

“Are you going to make me beg?” Eyes dull with weariness met his for a moment.

“If you want, or you can offer sexual favors. I’m open to suggestions.” He waggled his brows, hoping she went for the latter.

If anything, she seemed even more crushed. Her shoulders rounded as she sighed. “If I must. I guess it was too much to hope you’d save me just because you care.”

Blast her. He hated it when she tugged at his emotions. People called him evil, and yet, was there truly anything more devious than a woman who knew how to make a devil dance to her tune?

Before she could promise or beg, or fellate him through the bars, Lucifer gripped the metal—enjoyed the cheap thrill as the radiation tingled his skin—and wrenched the rods apart. His impressive feat of strength didn’t generate any applause. His wench still sat slumped.

Reaching in, he plucked Gaia from the toxic metal and cradled her in his arms. He even whispered, “Fear no longer. I’ve got you, wench.” While the nasty taste of heroism tainted his palate, the cleansing fire of rage soon erased it.

Someone dared to harm my wench.
Laying a finger on Gaia, his future queen, was akin to slapping him and declaring war.

Who knew having a fiancée would result in such fun?

Perhaps he could suggest she get kidnapped more often so he could go on a killing rampage and keep his skills toned.

Of course, rampaging worked better with an opponent.

As Lucifer stood atop the waves, he surveyed the chamber but saw nobody he could decimate. “Where is that miscreant who dared steal my woman and harm her?”

Limp in his arms, Gaia revealed rare weakness as she lay her head on his shoulder. “I don’t know where he is. But I do know Adexios and Valaska were sucked into that whirlpool portal. However, I don’t know where they ended up.”

“It leads to Hell.” He could feel the link to his plane through the rip. It was probably how Gaia had managed to reach out to him.

“Shouldn’t we follow them and give them our aid?”

Damn her selfless—yet luscious—hide. “Not yet. First you need to visit your garden and refresh yourself.”

“Are you saying I don’t look pretty?” She lifted her head to regard him with sultry green eyes that never failed to enthrall him. Gaia might be currently as weak as a newborn hellkitten, but with just one look, she was able to control him.

I am under her command.

Damn her. Damn him. Damn them both to Hell—where he had a king-sized bed they liked to spend a lot of time in. Naked, of course.

“Wench, you could wear a burlap sack, roll in a dung pile, and shave your head. I would still find you attractive. Your annoyingly inherent beauty shines through no matter what your exterior appearance.” Ugh. How grotesque. Attracted to her for more than her body? The horror of it.

“Why, Luc, that was almost poetic,” she said, unable to hide her utter shock.

“I know. I am totally grossed out, too,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “Before I lose my breakfast, what do you say we get out of here? First stop, the Garden of Life, next stop, a showdown with Nemo, where you can have a front row seat as I pull out his innards.” Then strangle him with them. But no need to give away the entire surprise.

Soft lips nuzzled his neck. “I don’t suppose we have time for a maiden to show her hero how grateful she is?”

“There’s always time for sinful pleasures. But first, I have a tiny matter to take care of. This unauthorized rip offends me.”

I wonder what’s on the other side keeping it open?

Who cared? He just hoped they liked Hell-roasted barbecue.

A negligent toss of his hand tossed a fireball that veered, much like a heat-seeking missile. The giant flaming sphere dove down into the heart of the whirlpool, arrowing for a certain portal.

One matter taken care of—and, no, he didn’t need to hear and see the boom to know he’d just caused serious damage—he sketched a doorway to a certain garden. However, before he stepped through, the devil glared at the ceiling, where a certain broken cage still dangled.

This offends me.
This was a reminder someone had hurt what was his.

Smoke sifted from his nostrils. The fires of Hell burned within him. He narrowed his gaze and aimed that rage, an invisible missile of pure force.

A rumble from above.

Time to go.

As Lucifer stepped through the portal into the disgustingly pleasant garden his wench called home, the groaning of shifting stone made his teeth vibrate. A few giant chunks shifted loose and fell with a giant plop. Another power wave came from below, his fireball hitting its target, spewing upwards a geyser of water. As chaos erupted, Lucifer snapped the portal shut before any of the dust and debris came through.