Heights of Desire (22 page)

Chapter 27

T
he night before my preliminary hearing, Janinie calls me on my home phone. The girls have gone to sleep but Robert is up with me watching the History Channel and shoots me a look of disapproval when I take the call in the kitchen. He wants everything out in the open even if I’m speaking to my parents or Sarah. I guess he has good cause.

It’s been a little over a week since Jaylee was arrested. Robert doesn’t know about losing the bail money and I intend to keep it that way. The final decision of bail forfeit will be up to the judge anyway. I’m not too hopeful seeing as they have no reason to go easy on him. With the trust from my parents, I should have no trouble just absorbing the cost in addition to covering up the loss with a little help from my financial advisor. Janinie has taken a different tone with me since the incident in Passaic. Apparently, we’re now on the same team.

“Hi Kate, I wanted to give you Jaylee’s info. In case you wanted to, like, write him or put money in his commissary,” she says brightly.

“Oh. Okay. I hadn’t thought of doing that. Writing, I mean.”

“You should, Kate. I write to my Dad and my counselor at school said it helps you work things out. I already wrote Jay a letter. He hasn’t written back yet, but it, like, gives them something to do in there.”

Maybe Janinie is on to something. Maybe it would help me to write him and tell him how I’m feeling. He wrote me a letter and I’ve safeguarded the thing in my lock box like a treasure. It meant a lot to me. The thought of him crafting it still makes me melt inside.

Janinie gives me his NYSID in addition to his case and book number so that I can write to him as well as deposit in his commissary. She explains how to do it online through a site called Jpay.

“How much do I put in there? I know it’s for phone calls and food, but do you deposit fifty dollars at a time or fifteen hundred? I’ve never done . . . I don’t have any experience with . . .” I sound like an idiot. I can’t complete a sentence. My own father should have served time a thousand times over. Corruption, insider trading, bailouts. He relaxes in his penthouse. All Janinie has ever known is her father being locked away.

“Put fifteen hundred in, Kate,” Janinie says barely containing a giggle.

“What? Is that too much?”

“No it’s perfect! And write him a letter. Tell him how much you love him, and Kate?”

“Yes?” I say my heart swelling with pain and love simultaneously.

“Tell him that you’ll wait for him. Even if it isn’t true. I think he needs to hear it from you.”

“Okay, Neenay. Are you okay? With everything . . . do you need anything?”

“No, just the letter and the commissary, Kate. I’m good.”

I hang up the phone and wander back into the living room. My head is a million miles away from Robert, from my own pending hearing. He’s gone to bed but left the lights on for me. I know what lies ahead is a night of relentless worry and despair. I grab my Prada bag off of the bench in the hallway and shake out two prescription sleeping pills into my hand. There have been a few nights in the last two months when I’ve considered taking all of them. What stops me tonight are Ada and Pearl’s rain boots standing side by side in the hallway. Carmen put them out before she left for the day, as rain is in the forecast for tomorrow. Ada’s are frogs and Pearl’s are ladybugs.

I pull out the desk chair in the downstairs den and boot up the desktop. Robert used to use this room for looking over stocks in the morning with coffee but now he does it all on his phone. I quickly transfer funds into Jaylee’s account through the site Janinie gave me and pull up a blank document to draft him a letter.

The line for security at the Center Street criminal courthouse is worse than JFK on a weekend. I’m glad we left early or else I would have been late for my own hearing. Robert grips my hand and periodically kneads the tension out of my aching shoulders. I’ve been up almost all night with worry, and sick with nerves twice already this morning. I have no idea how to deal with this much life-altering stress. My upbringing didn’t prepare me for it – not at all.

Robert suggests that each of us wait in a different line and move over to whichever one proceeds faster. For some reason I can’t separate from him. I need his hands on me to help me calm down. I’m nothing but a wound up ball of frayed nerves and emotions. I think I could even be sick again before we enter the courtroom.

The security here seems extreme and costly. There are large box-framed scanners that probably expose your naked body to the screeners and whoever else gets a look at the viewing monitors from the other side. I understand the necessity in a post-9/11 lower Manhattan but the invasion only adds to the humiliation of those that come here already accused in order to defend themselves – like me.

Robert removes his watch and his wallet. He’s friendly with the screeners as this is a familiar destination when he’s representing a client at trial. On those days, he uses the much shorter employee screening line. Today he’s here as a possible witness and as my sole supporter. I remove the platinum necklace Robert gave me; Jaylee’s I can keep on. I take off my Cartier bracelets and my watch as well. A security guard with short dreadlocks and a pretty smile tells me to lay my purse flat and take off my coat.

“You must be the lucky Mrs. Champion?” she asks.

I smile at her and nod my head. Robert is next in line for the scanner.

“Any chance you could be pregnant, Mrs. Champion?” she asks softly.

I shake my head no, the standard question having absolutely no effect on me whatsoever.

Then my head jerks up and I look her in the eyes. My lips part to speak but there isn’t any air in my lungs to form a response.

“I,” is all I can manage.

My periods have been non-existent the last two months, my stomach upset, my emotions riding the Cyclone. I thought it was grief. I thought it was from not eating well.

Robert stops and zeros in on us, his eyes focusing in like the scope of a rifle. He’s holding his body tense. He too seems to have stopped breathing.

The guard smiles sweetly at me.

“Maybe?” she asks shrugging her shoulders lightly.

“Maybe,” I squeak out of a dry throat. My own chest is suffocating me. And I’d thought the anxiety was peaking before.

Robert turns and walks through the scanner. I can feel the anger pouring off of him. He’s unarmed but likely the most volatile thing in this entire building. As he should be. Robert had a vasectomy right after Ada was born.

“Sometimes that happens,” the security guard says jovially. “Just step around to the side here and put your feet on those white footprints – I’ll use the wand on you.”

I put my arms out to the side like she shows me while she runs the hand wand down my body. I’m trying exceedingly hard to hold them in but the teardrops are slipping out over the rims of my eyes and running down my face.

“By the looks of it maybe the answer’s ‘yes’,” she says to me sweetly. “It’s okay, we’ve all been there before, Mama.”

I nod at her and try to smile through my tears.
No we haven’t all been here before. Not with a twenty three year old lover’s baby. Not with a lover who’s likely to spend the rest of his life in jail.

I try to control the tears as they roll down my face and drip onto my white blouse. I watch them fall and notice that even my breasts look bigger. How could I be so fucking careless? She finishes scanning me and points me in the direction of my things. Robert is waiting for me on the other side of security, his hands clasped together in front of him, his eyes cast downward. I won’t be surprised if he no longer wants to go through with this, if he no longer cares if I’m acquitted or if I serve time. I walk over to him in a daze with my feet dragging. I have no words to soothe him, no way to lessen the pain of yet another blunder – one that may very well mean the end of everything we’ve been trying so hard to resuscitate.

I reach him but I can’t bring myself to look him in the eyes. We remain there silently, eyes cast down, standing toe to toe for a never-ending moment. He pulls out his silk pocket scarf and hands it to me. Stupid things don’t absorb, I just end up smearing the wetness around my face.

“Are you sure?” he asks me.

I shake my head and bring my eyes to his. The tears rain freely down my face and my nose is now running. I feel like any judge could see right through me. I’m a liar and a cheat. The worst kind.

“How long –” he starts to ask but then stops himself. “That night?” The realization hits his face like a blunt force. It’s a blow with too many layers. There are betrayals and negotiations, too many guilty parties. The truth hurts just as much as the lies.

“Here’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to pretend this didn’t even happen and we’re going to go in there with the same exact plan and achieve the same exact outcome. We have to. We don’t have a choice. All of this we’ll resume later at home.”

Robert has taken control in a matter of seconds. His ability to distance his emotional self is a necessity of his work, but to me it’s astounding. He’s like a machine. I hope he’s strong enough for the two of us – for the three of us – because my emotional self has taken front and center and she’s ready to collapse. Nothing that’s happened up until this point has undone us. It’s a testament to Robert’s strength and loyalty, and also his tenacity. This final move, however, has probably sunk the ship.

We sit on a bench outside the courtroom and Robert strokes my hair. I feel like a mental patient. There’s no way I can take the stand. I know he’s furious with me but he’s playing the doting husband so convincingly that it makes my blood run cold. What if Robert is and has only ever been a loyal husband? What if I’m a terrible, selfish, immature woman that has only caused him heartache? What if Robert is one hundred percent innocent and I’m one hundred percent guilty? He must hate me.

“Did Randolph go over the strategy with you? Did you two discuss the plea bargain already?” Robert asks.

I shake my head no and wipe my nose with the back of my hand. Robert passes me a tissue.

“I thought you two were meeting to discuss the hearing?”

“I fucked up again, Robert. What do you want me to say? It’s all I ever do anymore. It’s all I’m capable of doing.”

“Why would you not . . ? Were you with him
again
?”

I nod slowly. I’m afraid of his reaction.

“Jesus Christ, Katie! I’m beginning to think you’re a self-saboteur. I’ve tried to intervene when it comes to you damaging our relationship and that of our children, but I can’t help you if you’re set on destroying yourself.”

I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around my legs. I don’t care how it looks or who sees me.

“Randolph is going to file a Motion to Suppress based on 4th Amendment issues over the DEA’s searching you for merely being in the building. It’s not illegal to carry five thousand dollars in cash. End of story. It may be enough to get the prosecution to just drop the case. Are you listening to me?”

I turn my head and make eye contact with Robert. I know my eyes are empty, scared. Reality feels like fantasy to me. I can’t wrap my head around how it’s possible that so very few actions on my part lead me to this current situation. This time last year I was an entirely different person. This time last year I was Mrs. Robert Champion, a woman with a charmed and perfect life. I nod at Robert to let him know I’m listening as best I can.

“Okay,” he sighs. “If they won’t take it, he’s going to try to plea bargain you down from the felony accessory charge to one of criminal mischief where you could come out with nothing more than community service. In order to do that, Katie, you’re going to have to plead guilty. The good thing will be that no one will ever be able to tell from the charge that it was drug related. If they won’t negotiate the plea, he’ll try to get the judge to go with a Federal Diversion Program for first time offenders. You would again accept the guilty charge and get drug counseling and maybe 18 to 20 months of probation.”

“So either way, I’m guilty?”

“Yes, but the latter clears from your record absolutely. The prior shows but again, no one would have to know it was a drug charge.”

“Which one do
you
think is better?”

Robert exhales and runs his fingers through his hair. “Honestly, Katie, I don’t know. Under normal circumstances I would say Diversion but at this point, with the decisions you’ve been making, I’m not sure you can handle the probation. You’re no longer acting in your own best interest. I don’t think I can help you anymore.”

He’s finally closing the casket now. He can’t take anymore.

“Here, today, you mean? Or ever?”

“I don’t know, Kate. Ever, I think. Randolph should be here any minute. I’m going home.”

Chapter 28

I
t looks like the prosecution is leaning toward the plea bargain, so we leave the courthouse with nothing resolved but with a possible resolution on the horizon. Mr. Randolph appears to be pleased with the outcome so I’m guessing it’s good news. I’m in such a daze that I was barely present in the courtroom. The irony of sitting before the judge with a world of guilt weighing down on me that had absolutely nothing to do with my crime, wasn’t lost on me. I was sweating and green with nausea, the guiltiest innocent criminal ever to sit before her. I almost vomited twice. Either from guilt, first trimester nausea, or fear of what’s unknown, who’s to say?

I take a cab home. I can’t stomach the train, literally. Robert is pacing the living room when I arrive. It’s odd because it’s been almost three hours since he left me at the courthouse. He’s still wearing the suit he wore to court. I’d expected him to take the day off, or perhaps return to work and deal with everything this evening. From the looks of it he can’t wait to unload on me. I can take it. I deserve it.

“I never thought you’d hurt me as much as you have. I never thought it would be you that would break my heart, break my family. Our family,” he starts in.

“Please, Robert. Are the girls here?”

“No, of course not! Do you think I would-? Carmen’s taken them out.” He crashes onto the couch. “How could you, Kate? Not only were you not protecting yourself but you had sex with
me
. You could have given me something, Kate. It’s beyond irresponsible, it’s hazardous!”

“Oh, God! Robert. I don’t think you have to worry about that. The pregnancy, that’s different. I’m sure he’s clean.”

“Oh, you’re sure! You’re sure until he’s not and we end up with AIDS! Was he even monogamous while he was with you?”

“Okay, Robert. AIDS? That’s a little dramatic.”

“He wasn’t was he? You probably don’t even know. You don’t even get the gravity of this. You could have completely orphaned our own children! Ada and Pearl!” Robert roars their names at me as if I’ve forgotten.

I’m breathing hard now because he’s right. I didn’t think about protecting Robert. I didn’t think about AIDS or STD’s or babies. I only ever answered to the hunger that drove me out of my mind and into my body. I acted only to sate my physical need for him without ever considering the real consequences of my lust.

“Don’t say anything. I don’t even want to hear your excuses. I’m ashamed of you. Call Dr. Warner and make an appointment to get checked for everything including the pregnancy. Make one for me too. I’m going to work. I may take a few days and go somewhere. I just need some breathing room.”

“I’m sorry, Robert. I’m sorry I’m so thoughtless. If you want I can start looking for a place.”

“I didn’t say that, Kate. You don’t have to leave. I just need you to get the pregnancy taken care of as soon as possible and everything else cleared away. We need a fresh start – again.”

“Taken care of? Taken care of, meaning abort the baby?”

“You don’t even have confirmation on the pregnancy yet. But, yes, I mean terminate the pregnancy. It’s not a baby.”

“Maybe it’s shameful and wrong, Robert, I understand that. But this is a baby conceived in love, not in some dark alley. I wasn’t raped! Jaylee loves me. I’d have to at least tell him. He’s not going to want a baby, but Jesus, Robert! I’m not going to dump it in the trash. Give
me
some breathing room! If
I
decide to terminate it will be done with dignity and love not because of some fucking command you yell at me!”

“I’ve had it with your ‘love story,’ Kate. It’s the worst love story ever written. It’s a fucking embarrassment. You are forty-three years old, might I remind you. Start acting like it! You were high risk with Ada at
thirty seven
. Grow up! I’m trying to save you here. I keep giving you an out and you refuse to take it. You and the thug are never going to live happily ever after! Why can’t you get that through your head?”

He looks like he wants to hit me. I know he never would. He storms past me and slams the front door as he flees. I don’t need to take a test. I know I’m pregnant. The last thing I want to do is subject myself to the scrutiny of a gynecologist right now.

My instinct is to call Sarah but I’m sick of bombarding her with my drama and it feels too lonely to make her sit through a home pregnancy test over the phone with me. Janinie is way too young. I’m scared Claribel will judge me but she’s my only other option. At least she knows who Jaylee is. I no longer have her number since I threw away my contacts along with my phone. I could email her but that might take too long. I know Jaylee has Santiago’s number and Janinie has Jaylee’s phone. After a round of inquiry I finally get Claribel’s cell from Santiago and dial even though he told me she might be teaching. She answers on the first ring.

“Kate?”

“Hi, Claribel. How did you know it was me?”

“Robert Champion on the caller ID gave you away.”

“Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“No, I’ve got a class I’ve got to leave for in a couple of hours, why?”

“Can I come over and take a home pregnancy test at your house?” I spout out. “That’s probably the very last thing you were expecting.”

Claribel laughs. I’m glad I called her; she’s so easygoing.

“Why not? Anything else? I check prostates too.”

“I just don’t want to be alone at such a pivotal moment. And I feel like it has to be with another woman. I don’t know why, but it seems important to me.”

“Is Robert slacking on you?”

“Well, that’s the thing. . .”
I can do this. I can tell her.
“I don’t think it’s Robert’s baby.”

“Oh. Makes sense then. Wouldn’t want to take it with him. Is it – can I ask? Is it Jaylee’s baby?”

“Jaylee’s baby,” I repeat. Goosebumps flash up and down my arms and my body flushes with warmth. “It’s Jaylee’s.”

Claribel owns a brownstone on Riverside and 75th street that she inherited from her grandmother. Santiago and she share one of the apartments and rent out the other two. It’s a beautiful home and in a near perfect neighborhood. It’s more the area Robert wanted to live in when we first started looking but I was the one who insisted on at least exploring farther uptown.

Claribel greets me with a huge hug and invites me in. I’ve got a Duane Reade bag with four different brands of pregnancy tests in it.

“Would you like some tea or coffee or anything?”

“Tea would be great, thanks.”

Claribel disappears into the kitchen and I wander over to her impressive bookshelves. She and Santiago have the walls in both the living room and dining room completely lined with books. I run my hands over their spines recognizing many of the titles and authors. She lives the intellectual life that I’d always imagined myself living. Even as a child, books were my only link to bring myself closer to humanity. My family life was always so out of touch with real people and with what I perceived as real endeavors. My life always felt like a charade.

Claribel returns with a steaming mug of tea and hands it to me.

“Thanks,” I say.

“Sooo, should we get this done or you want to visit a bit first?”

“Let’s get it done, although I’m pretty sure I know the results already.”

She leads me to the bathroom just off the kitchen.

“Look at this,” she says pointing to the counter.

There’s a miniature bottle of champagne and two flutes sitting next to a four-pack of pink and blue cupcakes.

“The champagne is for celebrating if we’re happy with the outcome and the crappy cupcakes are for indulging if we’re bummed about the results,” she says smiling. “I didn’t know which we were hoping for. It was the best I could do last minute – the Gourmet Garage.”

“It’s perfect. Thanks, Claribel. I don’t know what to hope for either. I certainly didn’t plan on having another child.”

“Do you think Jaylee wants a baby?”

“Oh God, no. He’s twenty-three years old. What twenty three year old man wants a baby? He’s also going to jail.”

“No shit? For drugs?”

“Yeah. Is it that obvious?”
How come everyone else seems to know?

“Oh, no, well, he hooked Santiago up with a connection after we saw you at the club. Just weed. I thought you knew they’d exchanged numbers,” she says.

“I actually believed they wanted to hang out. Either I’m truly naive or I only see what I want to believe.”

“I think you’re naive, Kate. You lead a totally different lifestyle than he does. It’s not something you just assume about someone unless you’re colored by stereotypes. You see him through rose-colored glasses. In this case you happen to be influenced by love.”

“I do love him, Claribel. Strange as it may seem.”

“It’s not strange at all, amiga. I met him; he’s pretty delightful. He’s got a lot of charm, that’s for sure, AND he’s crazy about you. Oh, and he’s a great dancer too! Should we see if you’re holding his spawn?”

“Yeah, even though that sounds disgusting.”

“Knocked up?”

“Better.”

Claribel stands beside the partially closed door while I pee on the stick. I do the Clearblue Easy one first.

“Are you going to pee on all of them? What about all the other possibly pregnant women in the neighborhood? I think you bought out the stock. Better save some pee or drink more tea.”

“It made me feel more prepared,” I say passing the stick to her. “God knows I’m anything but.”

“What’s this one do, two lines or one?” she asks.

“I don’t know look on the box.”

“The display panel on the stick says pregnant. What’s that mean?”

I can’t help myself; I burst out laughing. So does Claribel.

Holy Shit, I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant with Jaylee’s child.

“Cupcakes or champagne? Oh my God, you’re having a baby!” she says jumping up and down waving the stick around. “Or not having it,” Claribel quickly counters and then covers her mouth. “I’m sorry.”

“Let’s do both. A little champagne won’t kill me. I hate to say it but it’s probably going to be a not. Jaylee’s so young. He’s not going to want a baby. Robert doesn’t want me to have it, obviously.”

“Don’t write Jaylee off, Kate. It’s not fair to him. You’re going to at least tell him, right?”

“Yeah. I’ll tell him tomorrow. It’s not as easy as it sounds. I can’t tell him something like this over the phone. I’ll have to go to Riker’s Island.”

“Oh no! That’s heavy. So he’s
already
in jail. Have you ever been before?”

I throw Claribel a look. “Do I look like I’ve been to Riker’s, nutcase?”

Claribel shakes her head and wipes frosting off the corner of her mouth and then licks it off of her finger thoughtfully. “Do you need someone to go with you? I could go if you want. I can get a colleague to take my class.”

“Oh, Claribel. You’re so sweet. That’s so kind, really. You’ve done enough with this,” I say gesturing to the scattered tests and cupcakes.

“It was nothing. I didn’t even know ‘pregnant’ meant pregnant. It’s a rough place from what I hear. I don’t think you should go alone.”

“If Jaylee has to be there indefinitely, I can be there for a day,” I say.

Claribel leans in and smothers me in a huge hug. “You’re a brave girl, Kate. I think your love for him is beautiful.”

I embrace her back and let it sink in that I have to go to Riker’s Island. I’m all over the place emotionally. I’m more frightened to tell Jaylee than I was to tell Robert.

“It means a lot to me, Claribel. Even if I don’t go through with carrying the poor little thing, it felt dreadful for Robert to hate it so much today. Whatever happens I don’t believe in taking conception lightly. I think it happens for a reason.”

“I don’t know if this is an insensitive thing to say, but I’m going to say it anyway. What a stunning baby it would be. Have you thought about it?”

“No, I hadn’t gotten that far yet. But you’re right, it would be a beautiful child.”