Heights of Desire (20 page)

“Joshy, I haven’t told you this yet, but the way it works is that your mom raises you your entire life and then you go off to college and, give or take a few years, you get a new mom and that one you call your wife. Right, Kate? Back me up here.”

“Um. I wouldn’t really call myself Robert’s mom.”

“Don’t listen to Kate. So this wife-mom then takes care of you until she dies. That’s a true story, Joshy. Unless, of course you get a husband – then he would be your mom-husband.”

“God, Mom. I’m not gay!” Josh says loud enough to turn everyone’s head, as the hostess leads our bedraggled crew to a booth in the back.

“How is it that they always know who to seat in the back?”

“It’s the kids,” I say. “We’ve always been relegated to the table by the bathroom door in any restaurant ever since the girls were born.”

“Ever bring Jaylee here?” Sarah leans in and asks quietly.

I’m guessing she’s referring to the color of his skin or maybe the way he dresses. This definitely isn’t his scene.

“This is New York City, Sar. Anyone can go anywhere looking however they damn well please. It’s what’s in the wallet that matters, not necessarily the outward appearance.”

“Yeah, um somehow I doubt they would be scrambling to get him and his friends a table like they just did for us. ”

“It’s not Arizona.”

“The guy’s wearing a SCRAM!”

“Okay, I get your point.”

We order our lunch and go way overboard as usual. It’s enough to feed a group double our size. Sarah steered clear of the booze so I’m guessing she’s shaping up to go back home and make her return to responsible adulthood.

“Hey, can I ask you the dumbest white lady question ever?”

“Why, Sarah, it’s never stopped you before,” I say smiling.

“Cute, Great, cute. I’m serious. Are Dominicans black?”

Joshua chokes on the lemonade he’s drinking.

“God, Mom! You’re like a walking embarrassment! Didn’t you grow up in New York? Hello? The Yankees, ARod?”

“I grew up on Long Island, Joshua, and the Upper East Side! This is my first time even seeing Washington Heights! See, Great, not only do they get cooler, but smarter too! Is it really that stupid of a question? I’ve never been there! How am I supposed to know?”

“Boricua, Morena, Dominicano, Colombiano!” Pearl sings bobbing her head up and down and bouncing on the booth cushion. Ada tries to join in the hook as well pronouncing all the words wrong.

“Okay, Lourdes Leon, everyone’s in the know, except for me. Hispanophiles. How is it the same island as Haiti but a different race of people?”

“They’re mixed race, for the most part, Sar. It’s not stupid, a lot of people don’t know. They’re descended primarily from West African slaves and the Spanish. There’s some other European ancestry and a tiny bit of Native Indian in there as well. The Taínos were almost entirely annihilated during the conquest though.”

“See, Joshua, a simple question. Thanks, Professor Champion.”

“They don’t really self-identify as black because of anti-Haitianism and the racial persecution during the Trujillo regime. You should read about that dictatorship, Sarah. It would blow your mind! I’ve actually never been there either, we should go!”

“Okay, that’ll be our next trip. Sans rugrats.”

I can’t help thinking that I’d never want to go to D.R. with Robert. It would only feel right to go there with Jaylee. Now that his entire future hangs in the hands of the penal system, I’ll probably never get that chance.

Robert isn’t there when we arrive and there’s no indication that he’s been home all day. It makes me anxious, but I’m also grateful, as I don’t want to spend my last night with Sarah in a mess of tension and anger. Robert and I have plenty of time to destroy each other after our guests leave.

Ada falls asleep, exhausted from a long day and Joshua and Pearl settle onto the couch to watch a movie as Sarah and I take to the kitchen.

“Do you want a cocktail?” I ask.

“My liver’s shot from this trip. All your fault. You’re such a bad influence.”

“You had your Dad believing that all through high school didn’t you? But really, Sarah, I think it was the other way around.”

“My Dad only let me hang out with you because he knew you were smart. You were the bad one, hands down. How is it that my parents practically went broke sending me to Spence and Columbia and you got smarter and smarter while I was always just barely hanging on?”

“It doesn’t matter that we had the exact same education. Two factors. Blonde hair and big boobs, Sarah.”

Sarah makes a face at me and goes to the fridge and pulls out a couple of pints of ice cream. She grabs two spoons out of the silverware drawer and piles it all in front of me.

“I’m serious, Sarah. There’s no empirical evidence that shows that brunettes are smarter however there
is
plenty of evidence that boys were always wild for you and it was totally distracting. You had those tits at eleven.”

“You had that mouth at eleven. Speaking of wild boys and distractions . . . let’s read the letter.”

“No!”

“Give it to me, I’ll read it!” Sarah says grabbing for my pocket. She’s quicker than I am and has it in her hands before I get a second to defend myself.

“I’m not kidding you, I’m going to be sick with grief if I look at that thing.”

“No you’re not. I’m convinced it isn’t what you think it is. I’ll read it first to make sure.”

“I’m not as strong as I may appear to be. Especially when it comes to Jaylee.”

Sarah opens the envelope and pulls out a piece of paper. She unfolds it slowly staring me down. Her eyes dart back and forth as she scans it and my heart feels like a caged animal trying to escape my chest. Her eyes light up a couple of times and the hint of a smile appears on her face. She clears her throat at the end, folds up the paper and stuffs it back inside the envelope. She slides it across the table to me with one finger.

“What’s it say?” I plead.

“Read the damn thing!”

“I can’t!”

“Well, it’s not a goodbye. Not yet, at least,” Sarah says looking mischievous.

“Oh God, I can’t. How’s the composition?”

“You would want to know that wouldn’t you? It’s fine. It’s
almost
eloquent.”

“What about the grammar?”

“Um, I’d give it a fair to poor rating. Better than I expected.”

“Yeah, well keep in mind English isn’t his first language. What’s it say, Sarah? I can’t take it!”

“It’s a proposition. For sex. Tonight.”

“You lie!” I say gasping in surprise. “Tonight?” I glance at the clock and see it’s already after 6PM.

“Read the fucking letter, Great!”

“You read it to me.”

Sarah snatches the letter back and opens it noisily. She unfolds the paper and clears her throat to begin.

“Kay,

Yeah, I’m writing you a letter. Close your mouth and get over it. Yeah, I can write.

The reason I’m writing you is that I need to ask you something and I know you’re gonna be pissed so I figure the only way to get you to hear me out is like this.

First, the pissed part. I made a deal with your man so that I can be with you tonight. Before you go bat-shit crazy, I want you to know that it was my only choice. See, you and him got to decide how you want things to go from here on out. Me, I got to decide shit. If I could have one thing in the whole fucking universe it would be you. That’s why I did it. Because I would do ANYTHING to be able to have you. I know you feel like it’s not letting you make your own choices. I know it probably makes you feel like you felt when Robert gave me the money and I bought the jet ski. I know too, like I said when we first met that you deserve better than me (BTW, I’m not saying that you deserve Robert, but at least he fights for you now, he got your back, he takes care of the chiquis, etc, etc)

Yeah, Kay, am I like the soldier going to war who uses it as a card to get laid? Sure. I’m going to jail. With the bail we can pretend that it ain’t gonna happen but it is. I want to be with you before I go. You’re the only thing I want on the outside, and you’re gonna be the only thing I think about on the inside. I feel like every time we fucked-”

“I love how he just says ‘fucked,’ I wish Teddy would say ‘fucked’ to me.”

“Keep reading!”

Sarah takes a giant bite of ice cream and turns the spoon pulling it slowly out of her mouth upside-down. She clears her throat again.

“I feel like every time we fucked – I messed up. I did something wrong every time and it’s because there was always too much riding on it. I never cared about anyone like I do you and I didn’t know how to act. So tonight I want to fuck you the right way. The right way means how you want to be fucked – all the shit you said – about me being emotionally present, all of that. I can do that. I’m your man.

Last night when you told me you loved me it was the best moment of my life. The Best. Nothing beats that. Nothing ever gonna beat that.

I guess I better put a second in here cause I started with a first. The second part is that I don’t want you to worry about the deal. It’s not anything you need to know or think about so if you can, you should just let it go. Don’t ask Robert. Just accept it. That’s gonna be hard, because you know what, Negra? – you like to be in charge! Just leave that in the past and we go forward from here.

I’ma end this with something my Dad told me and maybe it’s shitty advice but it’s how I live my life. “Don’t ever NOT do shit because you’re scared. That’s how regrets are made.”

Anyway, sounds better in Spanish. Come spend the night with me.

Jaylee.”

I have tears spilling down my face and I’m not sure why. I love that he’s expressing himself and I love that I’m the catalyst for his expression.

“Are you going?” Sarah asks.

“Of course,” I reply.

Sarah stands and throws both arms in the air. “Yeeeessss! I tell you, you can’t make this shit up!”

“I have to get ready,” I say, but then I realize that tonight is also Sarah’s last night. I don’t want to abandon her. I know she has an early flight. “I’ll only go if it’s okay with you.”

“Are you kidding me, Great? Do you realize that Jaylee just convinced your husband to let him fuck you? And he hates him. It’s fucking amaze-balls is what it is. That’s the
deal
he brokered. Fucking priceless! You’re right, we’ve got to get you ready. What the hell do you think he negotiated?”

“It doesn’t take a genius, Sar. Jaylee has some dirt on Robert’s involvement in the bust and the arrests. He set him up. He set us both up. Robert was buying his silence.”

“You think so? I don’t buy it. The only person Robert would have to answer to for doing that would be you. He’s already got you where he wants you with the custody thing. Jaylee’s got something better than that – or worse depending on how you look at it. He’d only do it if Jaylee had him by the balls.”

“Jaylee said not to pursue it.”

“Who gives a fuck what Jaylee said. You’re the prize. You have every right to know what for.”

“The letter didn’t mention any details. What am I supposed to do – go to his house? Just show up?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Or he comes here with a dozen roses and Robert lets him in? Shit, Great. What if it’s some sick sort of trick and Jaylee didn’t really write that note? I don’t like this anymore.”

“Oh, he wrote it, Sarah. I told him I loved him for the first time last night. Nobody else knows that. Besides, Sarah, you shouldn’t ever
not
do shit because you’re scared. That’s how regrets are made, “ I say smiling. I want a last chance as much as he does. I won’t let fear stop me from making it happen.

Chapter 25

H
ow are you supposed to enjoy your last night with someone? It’s like trying to enjoy your last meal. All the ingredients are there. It’s exactly what you asked for. Yet, every bite will be tainted with loss, every little burst of flavor embittered and outweighed by nostalgia.

Jaylee was right about us never experiencing the kind of sex we should have together. He may have taken the blame, but it was my fault too. It was also the fault of circumstance, quick encounters, not seeing each other regularly. We never had the opportunity to explore our pleasures or our dislikes together. And now we never will. We have only tonight.

We lay side by side on the double bed in his mother’s room. He greeted me at the door, shirtless, wearing his basketball shorts. This is how he hangs at home. I’ve worn white lace, a set that Robert had custom made for me. We’re both hesitant to talk, to touch. We consume one another with our eyes.

He bathes me in his love, tracing small circles along my jawline, over my shoulder and down the inside of my arm. He tenderly nips my earlobe and then my chin. He kisses me slowly and gently, coaxing my lips apart, his warm tongue capturing mine. He pulls back and affectionately nips my nose, then both of my eyebrows.

“There’s so much pressure, Jaylee. What if everything doesn’t go perfectly? What if tonight isn’t ideal?”

“Being with you is always perfect,” he says.

This man knows how to set my heart at ease. I wrap my body around his and squeeze tightly inhaling his intoxicating scent. I want to memorize every line and contour of him, commit to heart the contact of his flesh against my flesh.

“Maybe we should be open and talk again? You know, get to know one another,” he says smiling.

I can’t tell if Jaylee is being sarcastic or if he really wants to open up.

“Of course. I’m an open book for you. You can ask me anything.”

“Anything?’

“Sure. I’ll answer honestly. Nothing is off limits.”

“You ever been with a Dominican before?” Jaylee smiles. He looks intrigued.

“No. Only you.”

“Other Spanish guys?”

“Hmm. Just an Iberian.”

“Is that a person?”

“No. A peninsula. He was a Spaniard. I spent my junior year abroad in Barcelona. Someone I met there.”

“Was it any different?”

“From what? American men?”

“Naw, nevermind.”

“Are you only going to ask me questions about sex?” This is what runs through the mind of a twenty-three year old man.

“No. I wanna know why Sarah and Robert call you, ‘Great.’ Cause it rhymes with Kate?”

“That, and Kate is a nickname. My full name is Catherine. Like Catherine the Great.”

“I didn’t even know your real name. You don’t tell me nothing!”

He’s smiling. He loves this game.

“Where did you get your name?”

“My mom’s Janet, my dad’s Elías. Jali. They spelled it Anglo though.”

Jaylee rolls towards me and kisses me full on the mouth. He pulls my bottom lip down gently with his thumb to open my mouth more and kisses me deeper.

“No more questions?”

“You ever let a guy do you in the ass?”

Jaylee’s face is sincere, he’s genuinely curious.

“I thought you were done with the sex questions.”

“Answer that!”

“No, not full penetration.”

“Would you let me?”

“Yes,” I say it easily without even thinking twice.

Jaylee pulls me to him and kisses me more urgently than the last time. Pinpoints of heat prick up all over my body.

“What’s your tat?”

“Don Quijote on Rocinante.”

He laughs before I even get it out. He brings his hands to his face, his fingertips touching his eyebrows and tries to still his amusement.

“Sorry. Never thought I’d fall for such a nerd.”

“Do you love me, Jaylee?”

“Yes, I love you! Of course I fucking love you!” He shouts it and it’s
my body
that responds to his declaration. I feel it everywhere. I’m alight with it. I am his. I belong to this man.

He grabs both of my hands and forces them above my head. He rolls on top of me and I sink into the mattress underneath his full body weight. I want to capture it, to prolong it somehow, make everything halt indefinitely. I’m sick with the idea that no matter how slowly we take it, tonight will eventually end.

Jaylee stares into my face with such longing and desire that I come undone. It should be blissful, but instead I’m delirious. Love in our situation means incalculable pain. Separation will bring agony and it’s no longer a choice, it’s an inevitability.

“No more questions for me?”

“Coño!” he says slamming his fist into the pillow. “I do have more but I can’t lie here with you and not fuck you.”

“Fuck me then.”

Jaylee flips me over and keeps my arms extended above my head with one hand. With the other he moves my hair and nuzzles into the back of my neck. He’s memorizing my scent too. He’s as desperate as I am. His erection stiffens between my buttocks and he begins to rock slowly against my ass. He undoes the clasp of my lace bra and licks me right up the line of my spine. I gasp in surprise.

“Any particular way you want me to do this, Señorita Catherine?”

I stifle a giggle and shake my head ‘no’.

“Don Quijote,” Jaylee mutters to himself.

I laugh out loud and wiggle out from under him. We settle onto our sides facing one another. Jaylee looks at me expectantly. He slams his fist into the headboard.

“Carajo! Let’s do something. I’m getting anxious.”

“Why don’t you just let yourself feel it? It’s good anxiety. Do you feel like you want to be rough with me?”

“Fuck, I’ll take you onto the floor and show you what full penetration feels like.”

“Really?” I know he’s kidding.

“No, Kate. This is your thing. I’m just following your orders today.”

“Do you like being rough with me? Does it turn you on more?”

“I like fucking you rough and soft. I like you all ways. I already told you. I’ll fuck you until I can’t anymore.”

It makes me so hot when he talks like that. I’m panting. I want him. I want him with everything. that. I. am.

“Kiss me. Please.”

God, how he kisses me. It’s both sweet and tender but so sexually charged with longing that I’m wet and grinding when he pulls away from me. His eyes are closed.

“Jaylee, keep your eyes open.” I’m not allowing him to escape today. I want him to be in the moment, here with me, the whole time. This might be the only chance we have. Ever.

His golden eyes blink open and hold mine solemnly. They are lit up from within and I can feel his desire emanating from him.

“Again. Please,” I whisper. I’m begging him.

He leans in and takes my mouth with his full lips. His kiss is deeper and stronger. His erection strains against me and I take down his shorts and pull him to me. He’s swollen and thick with desire but makes no move to overpower me or take the control out of my hands. I’ve always trusted him inherently but I know that allowing me to be in control requires a huge amount of trust on his part. He’s so vulnerable like this. It’s so sexy.

I use the pearls of pre-cum to lubricate him and gently fist him, captivated by his virility, by the beauty of his body.

“Jaylee, open your eyes.”

His eyes pop open and he looks deeply into me with a devotion that is humbling. I pull him to me again and gently guide him inside of me. He closes his eyes and moans. He rocks his hips softly and pushes himself deeper. His mouth goes to my neck, my breasts.

“I want you looking at me.”

He does and the unspoken connection is so powerful that it’s almost like the first moment we laid eyes on one another. It’s a harmonic recognition that leads naturally to a somatic pull.

“I love you,” I say it out loud, but my voice cracks under the weight of the truth in my words. It’s such a sweet relief to say it to him that my body responds and I begin to orgasm. Jaylee holds my gaze. His face is taken by a spirited smile that is the most earnest I’ve ever seen on him.

“Does that mean you’re mine now?”

He thrusts deeper into me, our eyes locked. I lose myself in the powerful orgasm. I succumb completely and I surrender to this love. His eyes search mine and I’m unable to answer him.

“Kate? Stop. Remember, you said you’d answer all my questions.”

He rolls on top of me capturing my ass in his strong hands and continues to thrust. My body combusts as I climax. It’s raw heat. My mind is numb and I’m lost in a universe of sensation. First it comes in the form of waves pounding on the surf and then slows to a measured rocking. I see the incandescence of bright white star points in a blackout sky. I can’t even tell I’m in the room. I’m too deep inside myself.
He
is so deep inside of me.

I’m barely back in my body when Jaylee’s thrust becomes urgent. He grabs both of my hands again and holds them over my head.

“Answer my question!” He pleads as his body rocks against mine. His hips slam into mine and he fills me fully, hitting right at my core. I’m unable to distinguish between the pain and the pleasure, between the anguish and the immeasurable love.

Jaylee commands my body and my heart like nothing ever has. I understand now why it’s called
la petite mort
. Not because we lose ourselves but because we are absolved in the other. All that is abject, all that causes pain and fear has no power in this moment of union. It is the purification of our regret, our disappointment and our suffering. An instant of symbiosis where we are allowed to forget that the more conventional expression of our love is impossible and due to circumstance, bound to be unfulfilled. This is where, in all of the best love stories, I kill him, or him, me. Where we take our own lives with the same dagger or burn in a boudoir pyre, the flames becoming symbolic of our passion, the evanescent burn of our love.

Instead, I wrap my spent body around his and whisper, “I belong to you” into his ear. He holds me tightly, ferociously, and remains inside me long after he’s softened and his desire has abated. We fall asleep like this, clutching one another against time and fate. It’s possible that his mother or grandmother return in the night to find us like this. They’re kind enough to leave us alone. We have all accepted defeat. In the morning we can barely look at each other. I fumble into my clothes and Jaylee lies supine staring at the ceiling. The end of our love affair looms so close that it’s saturated everything. It’s in the air we breathe and there is nothing we can say or do. He turns his head to me as I step toward the bedroom door. Our eyes hold one another. I can see the condemning weight of following in his father’s footsteps, the guilt of leaving behind all of the women that he loves.

“I’ll keep an eye on them. Especially Janinie.”

He only nods, his eyes gone glassy with loss.

The pain in Jaylee cripples me. It makes me vow to myself to do whatever it takes to get him freed.