Heights of Desire (17 page)

Chapter 20

T
he guys at the wireless store inform me that a number matching Jaylee’s did indeed have an incoming block placed on it. They tell me that it’s possible to retrieve the phone call records but not the texts. I’ll have to pay a fee and the processing might take months. The records will eventually be sent to me via regular mail.

I thank them for their time and when I turn around to leave I realize I still have one question I need answered.

“Can you tell me when the block was lifted? A call came through today so it must have been lifted.”

“Sure,” says the young Dominican guy behind the counter. He’s typing endlessly like a check-in agent at the airport. “March 15th. Just over a week ago,” he says cheerfully.

That’s exactly what I was afraid of. His number was reactivated the day of the arrest. My feet glue themselves to the floor.

“Can we help you with anything else?”

“Can you take my husband off of my account?”

“Well, we can close that account – just have to get a signature from your husband and then we can set you up with a new plan.”

Instead I buy a cheap prepaid phone and walk out of the store with leaden feet. I toss my iPhone into the garbage can on the corner of 145th and Broadway. I’m scared to go home. I think I might be scared of Robert.

My thoughts are colliding with one another, it’s too much for me to process. What a fucking train wreck. Do I even know my own husband – the father of my children? Did I drive him to this or is it merely an expression of his true nature? If you’re not aware of how much someone is manipulating you, or even that they are for that matter, how are you supposed to know what’s real? Exactly how much of my life has been a lie?

I don’t want to go home, but I don’t have anywhere else to go. I’m not running to my parents. They’ll side with Robert. I feel trapped and completely alone. I’d go to Jaylee but he lives at home and it’s clear I’m not wanted there either. What’s more, Jaylee is going to jail. I need to accept it as fact. Being with him is no longer an option. If Robert is indeed responsible for putting him there, I’ll never be able to love him again. I have no one.

Sarah is the only person I can reach out to right now. She’ll know how to put it all into perspective, she’ll help me figure out how to proceed from here. I’ve never been in such a complete and utter mess.

As soon as I get home I call her on the landline. She answers on the first ring.

“Great, my love! I hear you’ve been up to no good!”

“Yeah, well I’m not the only one. I think I want to leave Robert, Sar. No, I know I want to leave him.”

“Bobby? But I love that guy!”

“No, I’m being serious. I mean I want to leave tonight before he gets home.”

“You don’t know do you, baby doll?”

“Oh God, Sarah. What? I can’t take any more surprises.”

“Well, I love your awesome husband who bought me and Joshua plane tickets to come and see you. We arrive tomorrow!”

“Oh my God!” Happy tears are flying down my face.

“Bobby’s going all out cause he sprang for business class AND paid for a sitter for the rest of the boys while I’m gone. Teddy couldn’t even try to say no to that offer. We arrive tomorrow at noon.”

“Sarah, I need it so much. I’m so incredibly happy you’re coming. I don’t even know what to say. Robert didn’t say anything to me.” My mind is running, confused. I’m amazed at the flip-flop my emotional state has made in a matter of minutes. One second I’m afraid to even see Robert and now I feel so grateful and touched that he would do this for me.

“I’m packing right now. I’m just bringing sweats and one pair of jeans. We’re not going out. Great, stock up on wine – lots.”

I make a kissing sound into the phone and hang up. I wipe the runaway tears with the back of my hand because I hear Carmen coming in with the girls. I busy myself helping them unload their homework from their backpacks. Both of their beautiful faces look sullen – there’s too much tension at home.

“Ada, Pearl, guess what? Mommy’s friend Sarah and her son Joshua are coming to visit tomorrow!”

Ada’s face lights up.

“I remember Joshua!” Pearl says.

“Do you two want to come to Whole Foods with me and pick up stuff for their visit?”

The girls are game. After they change out of their uniforms we climb into the Range Rover and head downtown. We stop first at the wine store stocking up on a case of both red and white. Then we head over to the market side and the girls go nuts picking out every indulgence they can possible think of under the pretense of it being for our guests.

Pearl wants to get four frozen pizzas explaining to me that ‘it’s what teenage boys eat and that they like to eat a lot.’ I pick out a ton of specialty cheeses for Sarah and some Beluga caviar, smoked fish, and sausages. I haven’t felt this lighthearted in months. I let the girls go crazy with the olives and cookies, and before we know it the cart can’t possibly hold another item.

In the checkout line Pearl watches the numbers and Ada sings me a song she made up about rabbits. They’ve both eaten so many cookies that dinner will be a lost cause. I hope Carmen’s not angry since she’s probably preparing it at this very moment. Was my life like this before I got involved with Jaylee? I want to be carefree like this. I want this to be me. Maybe I just need to swear off all men and live for my girls.

A bag boy helps us load the groceries into the Range Rover and we drive back uptown with the radio blasting “Yellow Submarine” and all three of us singing our hearts out.

Back at home, Pearl hops out to get the cart and Ada nearly pees herself laughing after doing an impression of me yelling ‘get the cart.’ I guess it’s what I holler to either Robert or Carmen when we get back from grocery trips. I’ve never even noticed. Ada thinks it’s hilarious.

We’re loading the bags into the cart when I hear a familiar voice.

“Planning a party?”

I look up and come eye to eye with Detective O’Connor from the 30th precinct.

“Go inside, girls,” I say shooing them toward the house by the shoulders. “Pearl, tell Carmen to come out and get the cart.”

“Get the cart, get the cart!” Ada says in her ridiculous version of my voice. I hear them both break out into giggles as the door shuts behind them.

“Looks like everybody’s having fun,” the detective says.

“Can I help you with something, Detective O’Connor?” I ask smoothing back my hair with my fingers.

“Inoa’s out. But I’m sure you already know that, seeing as you were the one who posted his bail.”

“lt’s allowed. I checked first.”

“What’s allowed, Mrs. Champion?”

I hate the smirk on his face. I guess it must make him feel powerful to know everyone’s business, even their secrets.

“Posting bail while out on bail yourself. I did my research. I’m sure that’s not why you came.”

“No, no I can’t say that it is. Although, I have to admit, I do find it interesting – this love triangle you’ve got going on. How do you keep both men happy?”

“There’s no triangle, Detective. Robert and I are together.” It doesn’t sound convincing when I say it. It sounds defensive. He’s an idiot if he thinks insulting my virtue will make me crumble.

“Maybe you could help me understand something here. I’m trying to figure out why there was an exchange of ten grand between yours and Inoa’s bank accounts all the way back in July. That’s an awful lot of money to just gift someone. Don’t you think?”

I swallow hard. The ten thousand dollars. It can’t look good.

“You can speak to my lawyer, Detective. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve got groceries to put away.

I push the cart up to the house but I can feel him standing there watching me retreat. He’s likely gloating. He thinks he’s got me cornered with this new piece of information. Before I reach the door I hear the unmistakable timbre of Roberts’ voice. Robert is never home this early.

“If I see you threatening my wife again, O’Connor, I’ll have you transferred to another precinct. I imagine you don’t want to waste all the clout you’ve worked so hard for at this one.

“Is that so, Mr. Champion?”

Robert’s eyes are darkened and intimidating. He towers over O’Connor and I can see the man shrink with hesitation.

“Don’t doubt it, O’Connor. My firm’s the biggest donor in the city to both the Auxiliary League and the Police Athletic League. I can make it happen. I’d be happy to.”

Robert marches me confidently toward the house, leaving O’Connor on the curb stewing. He places his hand on the small of my back and ushers me forward.

“You go in, Kate. I’ll get the groceries.”

“They know about the ten grand, Robert. They think we’re drug dealers.”

“I absolutely have it covered, Katie. Don’t give it another moment’s thought.”

“Thanks for sending Sarah. It’s really thoughtful of you.”

“Of course, you needed it. Now get inside before I have to run this scumbag off.”

I search his eyes trying to get a glimpse of the underlying truth. I’m looking for a sign, or maybe lack thereof, that tells me who he really is and what he’s capable of. All I see are deep set blue eyes that refuse to give anything away.

Chapter 21

I
wait until the girls are asleep to say anything to Robert about what I’ve learned today. I’m still feeling conflicted due to his ultra kind gesture of sending my best friend to me. That is the Robert I know and love. All of the rest, if true, is sadistic and controlling and manipulative. A Robert I’ve never known and am terrified to find out that he may very well exist.

I decide the easiest thing to do is use O’Connor’s visit as a segue, then bring up the phone. The rest may have to be hashed out in front of Dr. Thompson anyway. Robert’s defense might be that I drove him to his limits and caused him to act this way. Maybe it’s a valid defense?
All’s fair in love and war.
I can no longer tell if Robert and I are still in love or if we’ve already moved on to full out war.

He’s sitting at his desk in the study, leaning back in his antique mahogany chair. The overhead light is off and he’s illuminated only by the green banker’s lamp and his computer screen. It looks like he’s examining case files.

“I was thinking about going to bed. Are you working or avoiding me?” I ask.

“No, I was just emailing Reynolds to tell him about O’Connor’s visit today.”

“Do you think we could get in trouble for the ten grand?”

“Well, it doesn’t look good but all they would have to do is disclose my income to make the argument look flat. He’s just trying to intimidate you.”

“O’Connor?”

“Of course. The man can’t possibly believe that I would risk my position, my family, my reputation by getting involved in some 10K drug deal. Ten grand is a drop in the bucket.”

“Would you? Get involved, I mean?”

“What? Why are you asking?”

“I know that you blocked Jaylee’s number from my phone, Robert.”

“I see.” He leans back in his chair and makes a tent with his fingers placing it against his chin. “How does that have anything to do with whether or not I’d get involved with petty drug deals in Washington Heights?”

I fold my arms across my chest and lean my head against the doorframe.

“You unblocked his number the day I got arrested.”

Robert doesn’t even blink.

“That, Kate, was merely a coincidence.”

“A coincidence, huh? How were you ever supposed to know if I would have remained faithful to you during that time had you not blocked our contact?”

“I blocked it as a favor to you, Kate. Merely to help you focus on keeping our family together. I’m sure he can drive, he certainly has legs. Yet, he only returned to you when he needed money.”

Robert is so good at condescension. He’s masking it as concern, as altruism. He violated my privacy to help me. He insults my desirability by insisting another man could only want me for money.

“Maybe along with legs, Jaylee has a conscious. Maybe he was respecting my decisions.”

“Oh, I highly doubt that. I don’t believe he has your best interest at heart.”

“How could you possibly know, Robert?” It’s strange to be defending my lover to him. I’m surprised Robert hasn’t already dismissed the conversation entirely and walked away.

“My instinct is to keep you safe and protect you – even at the risk of making you angry. I’m your husband. I took a vow and I take it seriously. Jaylee,” the name rolls off his tongue like venom, “would have you risk your life to get him out of a bind.”

“
He
didn’t know I would go that night. That was my own mistake.”

Robert rolls his neck as if talking about Jaylee is a physical affront.

“He is a child and a miscreant – a devious one at that.”

I wipe my running nose with the back of my hand. He’s reduced me to a sniffling child, but I refuse to cry in front of Robert. Not over this.

“Think about the possible outcomes for you that night. Grievous injury, incarceration or death. What kind of man wagers that with the woman he loves? Ask yourself questions like these. You’re worth more than that.”

“If it was just a coincidence, what made you decide to unblock his number that day?”

“So you could see that he’d gotten over you. So that you’d know he’d moved on.”

“But what if he hadn’t? What if he was still calling me? Why unblock it at all?”

Part of me wants to believe Robert but it’s just not adding up.

“I was sure, Kate. Twenty-two-year-old men don’t fall in love with forty-two-year-old women and live happily ever after. It just doesn’t happen. It was simply a matter of time. I’m only trying to protect you.”

Robert looks at me with slightly wounded eyes as if he’s exhausted with trying to get through to me. As if I were a child needing to be told that their imaginary friend didn’t exist. As if my feelings were cute but pathetic, and the truth needed to be broken gently to me. Robert isn’t going to open up to me. He’s only going to continue making me feel small. At least I know without a single doubt that Jaylee didn’t set me up. As for my husband . . . I’m not so sure.
What kind of man wagers that with the woman he loves?

“I’m going to bed. Thanks again for Sarah. I really appreciate it.”

“Of course, dear. Whatever you need.”

He puts his glasses on and swivels the chair so that his face is obscured from me. I can’t read him and I’m no closer to the truth.

I climb into bed and shiver between the cold sheets. I try to focus on a mental picture of Jaylee being home in bed instead of in jail. His muscular body, his warm brown skin, his strong hands. I picture his cheek against the pillow, his golden eyes closed. I try to imagine Sarah arriving and how good it will feel to have her here with me, in the flesh. She never judges me. She loves me so heartily. I try to think about the girls and the wonderful afternoon we spent together. Their faces lit up, their hysterical giggles. I try to think about anything other than sharing a bed with Robert tonight and feeling more than a little bit afraid of him.

The girls and I meet Sarah and Joshua at JFK and Sarah practically tramples down other passengers to get to me. She hugs me hard enough to crack ribs and then hugs each of the girls, making them squeal. Joshua pads up behind her pulling along two carry-on suitcases. It’s been years since I’ve seen them and Joshua is now taller than his mom. He’s hit the awkward stage physically but thankfully not the cold-shouldering teenager one yet and he offers me a warm hug. He high fives both Pearl and Ada and they look smitten. Boys are a novelty to them and they regularly beg me for a brother. I felt the same way attending an all-girls school with only my sister, Emily, at home.

Sarah and I walk just ahead of the kids and she grabs my hand, swinging it in between us.

“Oh my God. I can’t wait any longer. You have to tell me about jail.”

“When the girls are asleep,” I say quietly. “They don’t know.”

“Shit. I already told Joshua. By the way, you’re his new hero. Apparently moms that go to jail are even cooler than professional surfers and punk rock – at least for the moment.”

Sarah looks great. She has gained a bit of weight but nothing like she’s had me believe with her exaggerated, self-deprecating remarks over the phone. Her natural blond hair is cut into a sharp bob and her gorgeous hazel eyes are smiling even when she’s not.

“I got a ton of wine and food,” I say squeezing her hand.

“I shipped a box of nail polishes; mani/pedi sets; face masks, false lashes; vegan, raw, dark chocolate truffles; and cigarettes via Fed-ex. It should arrive today.”

“Cigarettes? I thought you quit.”

“Yeah, so did I. I thought maybe we could get some weed in your neighborhood.”

“Weed?” I whisper jerking her hand for saying it so loud in the middle of the airport, in front of the kids.

“Um, yeah. Don’t you think an occasion like this calls for it? Maybe even screams for it?”

“Maybe in Cali, Sar, but I’m out on bail – they could drug test me!”

“Shit. I forgot. And I thought you’d have the sweet hook-up now too. Fucking craptastic, Great! Don’t ruin my girl’s weekend before it even gets started.”

“Sar, I thought you were coming out to console me not get me re-arrested.”

“Oh yeah. I’m the big risk taker,” she insinuates. “Me!
You’re
the one getting laid by some twenty-two-year-old Don Juan drug lord. Whore!” She whispers loudly in my ear.

This time I drop her hand and hit her in the arm.

“Stop talking smack, the kids can hear us!” I can’t wipe the grin from my face long enough to sound serious.

“Jezebel!” She whisper-shouts. “Meanwhile I’m washing forty-two stinking pairs of underwear and eighty-four, smelly, filthy socks per week. And that’s when no one craps their pants.”

“You count?”

“You bet. How about trollop? No one even knows what that means.”

“No! Sea slut,” I say under my breath.

“Strumpet?”

“Sarah!”

“I can’t believe I’m smoking a cigarette. It’s got to have been at least twenty years.”

“You’re being reborn, it’s your rite of passage.”

Sarah and I powered through four bottles of Malbec after dinner and now we’re on the back deck, swinging on the porch swing and smoking. Robert is still at work and Carmen is staying late to take care of the kids.

“What’s that?” Sarah says reaching out to grab the platinum necklace I’m wearing that’s entangled with a red string.

“What, this?” I say looking down and lifting them both up.

“Uh-uh.”

“Robert gave me this,” I say pulling the diamond necklace forward. “And Jaylee gave me this.” I try to separate the red string of the scapular from the platinum necklace. “It’s the flag and the patron saint of DR. His dad wore the same thing.”

“And you wear them both at the same time?”

“Well, I am fucking them both at the same time.”

Sarah snorts hard trying to contain the wine in her mouth and chokes, spraying it all over us. She’s doubled over laughing and snorting and coughing on the aspirated wine.

“Oh, God that burns. Oh my God! Don’t make me laugh with my mouth full. You’re not really fucking Jaylee anymore are you?”

“No,” I say and bury my face in my hands. “I wish I were. I would.”

“Don’t you think those necklaces are highly symbolic?”

“Why? Because one is made of cloth and string and the other is the hardest metal known to man? Jaylee is fleeting while Robert is steadfast, is that what you think? Oooh, Sarah, you’re deep when you’re drunk.”

“And you aren’t? Speaking of hard, who has a better cock?”

“Nooooo! I’m not talking about penises with you!”

“Jaylee does, you already answered it,” She says with a huge grin plastered across her face.

“How? Oh my God, Sarah! I swear. I didn’t even say anything!”

“Jaylee’s is better,” she says but the laugh catches her halfway through and she’s doubled over again. This time it gets me too and I’m laughing so hard that tears are squeezing out the corners of my eyes.

That’s, of course, when Carmen walks out to tell us the kids are asleep and she’s leaving for the day.

“Señora Kate?” she says.

I stand and flick my cigarette over the deck into the yard. Carmen’s eyes follow it confused. She eyes me and then Sarah, looking back and forth between the two of us. Sarah starts laughing again. This time it’s a suffocated gagging sound because she’s trying so hard to hold it in. I can’t help but start up again as well.

“No fumamos, Carmen!” Sarah says.

“What are you talking about?” I ask wiping away the tears.

“Poor Carmen probably thinks we smoked pot, Great.”

“Sar, she speaks English!” I say and the laugh is attacking me again. “Carmen, it’s just cigarettes and wine, I promise. A lot of wine.”

“You don’t need to explain, Señora Kate. You’ve been smiling a lot, yesterday and today. It’s nice to see you happy again. You two have fun.”

“We will. Thanks for everything, Carmen.”

I smack Sarah playfully on the arm as Carmen goes back inside the house.

“Look, you got us in trouble. Want more wine?”

“Hell yeah.” Sarah and I stumble into the kitchen.

“What time does Robert get home?”

“Around midnight depending on what he’s working on. Why? Want to switch to white or will that make us sick?”

“I want to go to the deli.”

“The deli, what for?”

“I don’t know, isn’t that what you New Yorkers do?” Sarah says rummaging around in the pantry.

“You want to score pot. Fuck you! You’re unbelievable, Sarah.”

“Oh yeah, me again.
I
only want to smoke it.
You
just got arrested for drug trafficking, Señora Kate, so STFU,” she says coming out of the pantry with a bottle of brandy, two snifters and a huge smile. “I want pot
and
salt and vinegar chips. You don’t have any. I checked.”

We make our way into the living room and settle onto the couch. Sarah dings her snifter against mine and gulps back half the glass. I take a tiny sip.

“So what’s the verdict, Great. You really think Bobby sold you out to the Feds?”

“Maybe. I’m sure he covered his tracks so I’ll never know. I’ll always wonder though.”

“That sounds like you’re staying.”

“I don’t have a choice, Sarah. I have to stay.”

“Do you love him?”

“Jaylee?” I ask. Sarah nods her head solemnly, her eyes wide. “I’m in love with him, Sarah. I’d do anything for him. I don’t even regret any of the stupid shit I’ve already done. I’d do it again.”

“Not that I want to give you advice, Great, but you should just go and be with him. We only get one chance.”

“That’s the wine talking. First of all, he’s going to jail. Second, part of not being with him is an expression of my love for him. I love him enough to stay away. I know he deserves more than I can give him. He’s got his whole fucking life ahead of him. I’d just be holding him back.”

“That’s not fair to him, Great. He’s young but he’s man enough to make his own decisions. You should let him decide it he wants to be with you. You can’t just make a decision like that for him.”

“It’s over, Sarah. And I have a huge, gaping hole in my heart.”

“I wish I could meet him.”