Have a New Husband by Friday (17 page)

What makes your husband feel loved?

As we saw in the last chapter, you’re the queen bee of communication. In many ways, your husband is the worker bee. But he wants to take care of his honey. He’ll do anything to please you. Anything. Do you believe that? All you have to do is make him feel respected, needed, and fulfilled. He needs to feel special and appreciated. If he does, he’ll be that seal that says, “Give me the beach ball, and I’ll balance it on my nose for you. I’ll perform until you stop clapping!”

The Music That Makes Me Dance

Do you remember the Barbra Streisand song “The Music That Makes Me Dance”? No? Okay, so maybe I’m old, but I love that song. Did you know that
you
are the music that makes your husband dance? No one else. Just you.

For a man, love is centered on the feeling of,
She loves me just as I am—with all my warts and my frailties. There’s comfortability there. I don’t have to be someone I’m not. She’s there for me on the good days and the bad days.

St. Paul, a very smart guy and one of the great saints of the church, talks about sex in the Bible. I won’t quote what he says word for word, so here’s the Leman paraphrase: “Your husband’s body belongs to you, and your body belongs to him. I want you to do it.”
1
If you don’t believe me, pick up the Bible and read it for yourself. The great St. Paul goes on to say that in marriage, you should submit to each other.
2
Marriage isn’t about one person lording it over the other; it’s a matter of submitting
to one another
, trying to please the other. For some of you, that might be quite a different view from what you grew up with.

In general, men don’t feel understood. When a woman says to a man, “Don’t you understand? I need to feel important in your life. I need you to talk to me,” what do you think that man is saying in his head?
Why do you think I go to work every day at 6 a.m. and practically beat my head against the wall? I do it for you and the kids.
Your husband is wired to be a provider and, just like in the caveman days, to bring home the bacon (or the mammoth). He may not be the most thoughtful, communicative person in the world; his way of showing love to you is by providing for your family. That effort seems to consume most men’s lives.

You know what the reward for that man is? Sex. In all my years of counseling, I find it extremely interesting that a couple’s satisfaction with their marriage is revealed in how healthy their sex life is.

Take a hard-working UPS driver I know. He delivered packages 12 hours a day to provide for his wife and three children. When he walked down the aisle to say "I do," he was deeply in love with his wife, but something went wrong. When they came to see me in my office, it was clear the wife was not happy with her husband. She felt like all he wanted was sex, and she didn't feel like delivering three times a week. With three kids, she didn't have time to pay him that kind of attention-or any attention, for that matter.

A couple’s satisfaction with their marriage is revealed in how healthy their sex life is.

One day the man met someone on his UPS route. The woman he handed the package to was friendly and complimentary. She had an at-home business, so he delivered to her frequently. It wasn’t long before he was checking the route sheet and hoping she had a package to be delivered so he could talk with her again. This man was like a dog starving for love and attention.

Within six months, that UPS driver was having an affair with the woman customer. Why? Because she listened to him, touched him, complimented him, and showed him he was worthy of attention.

Now, this guy was solid. He’d even been an Eagle Scout. He never dreamed he’d violate his marriage vows and find himself in the arms of another woman. This is what he said: “It wasn’t the sex. It was simply that I found someone who was interested in what I had to say. She listened to me. I felt she understood me. And I felt needed for the first time in 15 years of marriage. I felt appreciated. I was dying inside because I just needed to be needed. And when my wife and I had sex, it always felt like she was doing it because she had to. That she didn’t want to.”

“Dr. Leman,” you’re saying, “are you
excusing
this man’s behavior? I mean, he had an affair on his wife!”

No, I’m not excusing his behavior. Everyone has choices, and that UPS driver made a devastating one. Now he and his family have to live with the consequences. But I am
explaining
his behavior and why the affair happened in the first place. To stay in a marriage, a man needs to know he is understood, listened to, respected, and needed. He needs to feel appreciated. For a man, marital satisfaction has a lot to do with how sexually satisfied he is.

I’ve been in the counseling business a long time. I can’t recall any couple I’ve worked with who said, “We have a great sex life,” and filed for divorce. I’ve never seen it, never even heard about it. Being intimate physically with the one you love is an investment that pays great dividends.

You’re your husband’s one and only. Nothing can take the place of time with you. Your husband is a “hunka hunka burnin’ love” (to quote the old Elvis song), and you need to allow him to release that pent-up energy. If not with you, then who?

Women Talk

Sex has never been a big thing in my life. I tolerated it as just another chore I had to accomplish in marriage. I’ve paid the price for that, and so have my kids. I’ve separated from my husband on two occasions.

Then a friend of mine put your book Sheet Music in my hands. I didn’t buy it. I’d never think of buying a book like that. But my friend said, “I don’t know whether you want to read this or not, since you and Sam are separated, but it sure helped us.”

So I read it, and I was stunned. I still struggle with old tapes that run through my head about sex, but I’ve made a deliberate effort to pursue my husband (who is now living back at home) and surprise him. And now (I can’t even believe I’m writing this) I’m actually looking forward to the next time my husband and I share some intimate moments.

Because my dad divorced my mom, I’ve always felt like a trap door was beneath my feet, and someday, with no warning, it would open up and I’d become a divorce statistic too. Since I decided I needed to make love to Sam (in the bedroom and outside the bedroom), I’m now confident we’ll never separate again. Our kids have shown remarkable improvement in their attitudes and behavior, and I have a much happier husband. It took a lot of soul searching and hard work, but now the good days—in which I have little stress in my life—are becoming more and more common. I’m so grateful to my friend who went to the bookstore and bought that book for me. For me, my husband, my whole family—it was a life changer.

Annie, Nebraska

How Much Is Sex Worth to You?

It took ten years of marriage for me, as a man, to find out that sex isn’t the most important thing to a woman. Sande and I were talking one night, and I asked her, “What about me turns you on?”

She looked blank. “Well, I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know? You must know.”

She just gave me that Mrs. Uppington stare. “What are you asking questions like that for?”

Then it dawned on me, the psychologist. “Wait a minute. Isn’t sex the most important part of marriage?”

“What? Are you kidding me?” she said.

When a Lewis-Harris national poll surveyed women, asking how they ranked various things in their life, sex was fourteenth on the list. Gardening was thirteenth. When I saw that, I thought,
That simply can’t be.
But now I know Sande’s not off-kilter.

Sex is not the most important thing to most women. But it is to most men, because the act of sex itself with the one he loves to most men, because the act of sex validates everything he needs to make him feel prized. To make him say,
Wow. I’m so glad I married that woman. She’s all mine.
The smart woman is the one who realizes that sex is a big fish that her seal husband needs to have thrown his way.

When you tell your husband you want him, that he’s the man for you, he instantly feels like Brad Pitt or Matt Damon, even though he may look a little bit more like Danny DeVito or Alfred E. Neuman.

I’m not talking about the “Well, I have to do it, I guess, so here I am; pull down my nightie when you’re through” kind of sex either. That’s degrading to any man. It tells him, “You’re not worth the effort. I don’t find you appealing at all. In fact, I’m not even sure why I married you.” I’m talking about the “I want you” whispered passionately in your husband’s ear. When you tell your husband you want him, that he’s the man for you, he instantly feels like Brad Pitt or Matt Damon, even though he may look a little bit more like Danny DeVito or Alfred E. Neuman. He’s instantly transformed into the sexiest man on earth, and he’ll be willing to give you pleasure like you’ve never dreamed.

The Great Problem Solver

Women the world over tend to like hugging. They’ll hug anything that moves. So when you tell your husband, “Would you just hug me?” why is it that the next thing you know, you’re looking up at the ceiling? All you wanted was a hug, a gentle caress, but it turned into something more.

That’s because the instant your husband touches you, he has sex on the brain.
Wow, this is the best day of the year. I’ve gained 15 pounds, but my wife’s still coming on to me.

“What?” you’re saying. “All I wanted was a hug. It’s been a really stressful day.”

But I have news for you. That little Black & Decker engine in your man isn’t something you have to crank and crank until it starts. It’s instantaneous, it’s foolproof, and it will stand to attention almost immediately. It’s a fact of biology that men are wired to be physically stimulated, and they turn on quickly. If you walk up behind your husband, kiss the back of his neck, and caress him in the right spots to show you’re a ready teddy, then get no response, there’s definitely something wrong with your man. He needs a new DieHard. You’d better bring him in to the doctor for servicing.

For a man, sex is the great problem solver. If he had a bad day at work, sex makes it disappear. If your toilet overflowed and ran down into the laundry room and he had to clean everything up, sex fixes the aggravation of that. If the two of you had a fight before dinner, sex once the kids are in bed is the great fix-all. That’s because when you have sex with your man, his world is righted again. Sex is the cure-all for a man.

If you are intimate with your husband sexually, he knows he’s loved. That act of sex is a release of tension. If you welcome him into your arms, it proves to him that the problem you had—the fight earlier—is solved. Even more, many men get more of a psychological charge from watching their wife experience the joys of sex than from their own paltry little orgasm. By your “oohs” and “ahhs,” what you’re telling your man is, “I want you. I need you. You’re my man. You’re a great lover. You satisfy me.” That’s what makes your man go through life as your champion—even if he does have a little extra inner tube around his tummy. Your man needs to know that he makes a difference in your life.

The problem is that in most marriages, sex becomes predictable. As one woman told me, “He always starts here, goes there, and then ends up there.” Wow, gives you something to look forward to, doesn’t it? And only on Saturday and Tuesday? Is sex like clockwork in your house? If I was that woman, I’d as soon pull weeds in the rain as have sex. But remember that your man, as we talked about in the last chapter, thinks in linear, logical, lockstep fashion. He simply doesn’t think,
Oh, I should get a little creative here and do something different.
No, he thinks,
Hey, I’ve got this sex thing down. I do this and this and this, and it works. Perfect. Figured it out.

So if you’re bored with your sex life, why don’t you be the instigator? Buy a book on married sex such as
Turn Up the Heat
or
Sheet Music
, and slip it into your husband’s briefcase or car.

Include a note with it:

Honey, this is just a little something I picked up for you. I think you’ll find it great reading. I’ve read it already too. I’d love to try something you read about in this book. You know me, I love surprises. More than that, I love you, and I’ll be waiting for you.

That’s a smart woman who’s using all the intelligence the Almighty gave her. She’s taking the initiative to change things rather than whining about how sick she is of their lovemaking style. Whining and complaining won’t get a guy’s attention—it’ll just turn him off.

But all men love a challenge. Giving him a book with highlighted pages and a note will start his engines revving and his thoughts turning toward you and home. You could try this note:

You always ring my bell, honey, but I’m wondering if you could
really
ring my bell. The kids are going to be at Grandma’s tonight, and we’ll be alone. You know what I’ve always wanted? To have sex in the backyard. The kids just put up the tent today, now that it’s summertime. How convenient is that? Can’t wait to see you tonight.

That will get your man anticipating a wonderful evening with you. He’ll swagger through his day thinking,
Hey, I’m desirable. I may be losing my hair, but she still wants me.
He may not be the svelte 23-year-old you married 17 years ago, and he has a belly on him, but you can play him like a piano. And both of you can have great fun doing it. So why settle for predictable when you can have fabulous?

Kiss Your Husband, Peck Your Girlfriend

If you’re going to kiss your husband, then kiss him. That little peck on the cheek should be reserved for your girlfriend. It does very little for your husband. If you want to get your husband’s engines revving, kiss him with passion. Even if you can’t hop in the sack with your husband at that moment, you’ll create an environment of sexual excitement and passion that will keep your man coming back for more.

Let’s say you’re out for dinner with your in-laws, and your father-in-law is telling you for the third time about the great game of golf he had three days earlier. You reach under the table, unbeknownst to your father-in-law, and give your husband’s thigh a couple little taps in such a way that, wow, have you got his attention. It’s the hint that says,
Hey, let’s wrap up this evening.
If you know it’s going to be a boring evening, you might even want to say, as you’re going out the door to the dinner, “I can’t wait to hold you in my arms once dinner’s over.” That will start his motor running, and he’ll tell himself he’s the luckiest guy in the world. He’ll treat you that way all through dinner. He’ll sit there smiling at you and thinking,
Not only does my wife love me and think I’m sexy, but she’s willing to go to dinner and hear about golf for an hour from my dad. She can’t wait to make love to me. She loves me, wants me, needs me.