Have a New Husband by Friday (7 page)

Now, I ask you, do you really want your husband to act his age? If so, here’s what you’d hear: “My knees are killing me. My back hurts, and my right foot a little . . . or maybe it’s my left foot.”

Wouldn’t you rather we provide you a little entertainment, even if it’s boy-goofy humor?

They Play Rough

I used to call my big brother “God.” That was my nickname for him because that’s the way he acted—as if he were accountable to no one but himself. He would walk through the door and I’d call out, “God’s home.”

My brother regularly pummeled me on a whim. I don’t believe he was atypical. Males are far more likely to release their tension by using their fists. That means your husband probably falls into one of two categories: he was beaten up, or he beat someone else up.

A scar on my finger reminds me of the rough-and-tumble world of being a boy. I got the scar from Jimmy’s teeth. Jimmy, a neighborhood kid, had the gall to say, “Your mom doesn’t love you. Otherwise she’d make you change out of your school clothes before you played.” In the next 60 seconds, Jimmy found out just how much my mother loved me, and his mother got to show
her
love by wiping the blood off Jimmy’s nose and mouth.

You need to understand the world your husband grew up in. Boys can be extremely cruel to each other. On one occasion, my classmates and I tore the pants off a boy and gave him a “cherry belly” (we slapped his stomach until it turned pink). Then we made him walk through a stretch of itch weed (remember, he wasn’t wearing any pants) and forced him to climb a tree—in the nude. This may seem extreme to you if you haven't grown up with boys, but this is what boys do.

Husbands can get in an occasional tussle with other guys too, but the fights tend to be more verbal. Just like schoolyard boys can make each other’s noses bleed and then be best friends ten minutes later, we men can vehemently disagree over an issue, come to an agreement, then shake hands and go play a round of golf—without seeing anything strange about the progression of events.

If you want to have a fascinating conversation with your husband, just ask him about childhood pranks. Then listen carefully to what he says. Was he the one who was beaten up, or the one who was beating someone else up? How does that personality transfer to his actions now, as a man, both at home and what you know of him in the workplace?

If you want to have a fascinating conversation with your husband, just ask him about childhood pranks.

How Important His Mama Was Then—and Is Now

If you want to know about your man, look at his mama. Was his mom comfortable with boys?

For your sake, I hope your husband’s mom affirmed his maleness. I hope his mom told him what she appreciated about his dad and encouraged the masculine qualities she wanted her son to emulate. In today’s world, some moms are more concerned with increasing a male’s sensitivity toward the female population than with affirming male qualities. But such tactics don’t produce tolerance or increased sensitivity toward the female population. Instead, they create confusion—and confused kids tend to make terrible, traumatic choices.

Is it okay for boys to do “girly” things? Sure. If a boy has an older sister, it’s only natural that, for instance, he will sometimes play with dolls. One of my early childhood memories is of playing paper dolls with my sister, Sally. She was older than I was, so when I drifted into her world, we played what she wanted to play. She certainly never asked me, “What do
you
want to do, Kevin?” Since she was older, I had to be on her terms if I wanted to play with her, so that meant playing with dolls.

If your husband grew up with all sisters, he’s probably very comfortable in the world of girls. But there’s a huge difference between being comfortable
with
girls and always wanting to act
like
a girl.

Males who grow up to be mature adults have usually benefited from clearly defined gender roles. I’ve never seen a confused kid make consistently good life choices. He’d better get his identity figured out before he gets married, or he and his wife will suffer accordingly. I can’t tell you how many struggling couples I’ve counseled where the husband is actually a gay man hiding behind the guise of marriage. No wonder there’s no glue, no sizzle, to the marriage.

Although you may think it’s your husband’s
father
who formed who his son became, his
mother
is the one who probably had a greater impact on him—and she directly influenced how your husband treats you now.

The Overprotective Mother

You can control a 3-year-old, but you can’t ultimately control a 12-year-old. You can guide a child, but the opportunity to control a child at that age is extremely limited.

Your husband probably realized this before his mother did. He figured out that he could lie and get away with it, that he was smart enough to occasionally sneak out of the house, and that it was possible to hide the smell of cigarette smoke if he gave it some careful thought.

In this dawning of manhood, your husband’s attitude toward women either took a giant step forward into maturity, or it was frozen into a glacier of disrespect. Particularly because boys are so competitive, an overprotective mothering style is a prescription for disaster. The smother mother won’t let her boy do anything that might cause him to get hurt. No sports, no climbing trees, no going on hikes—in short, all the things boys love most. So what happens when he gets out from under her thumb? He has an “I’ll show you” attitude and proceeds to present it to the world. Such “bad boys” can seem attractive while you’re dating—because of the adventure, excitement, and danger—but look out if you’re married to one.

Unfortunately, if his mama was a weak-willed woman—always picking up after her son, always lying to cover for him—he’s going to expect that you, his wife, will be the same. So what he couldn’t dish out to his mama while he was under her thumb, he’s going to dish out to you.

When a boy learns early on that he can control and manipulate his mother, he’ll assume he can do the same to you. If you’re a pleaser, you’re likely to fall under his control rather than stand up and say no.

What to Do on Tuesday

1. Observe your male creature in his environment. In what setting does he seem most comfortable? Why do you think that is?

2. What were his growing-up years like?

3. How did his mother interact with him? How did his father treat his mother?

4. In what way(s) does his background contribute to who he is now, and how he responds to you and life in general?

5. Was he encouraged to share his feelings?

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
I used to be an accountant before I got married and had kids. We didn’t want anyone else raising our kids, so we made the joint decision that I’d stay home with them. But now my husband is always talking about “his money,” as opposed to “our money.” I’m a careful spender. I even clip coupons and save our family a couple hundred bucks a month. He questions everything I spend and wants me to account for every penny I spend at the grocery store. I hate it. How can I get him to stop?

Janice, New Mexico

A:
Here’s what I’d do, Janice. I wouldn’t set foot in a grocery store for a long time. You’re not a servant, and he’s not lord over your money. When he wonders why his dinner is just lettuce and croutons, tell him straight out, “Because that’s what we have left in the house.” Then tell him that you really hate having to wrestle money out of him. (For goodness’ sake, you used to be an accountant; I think you know the value of money.) Say, “I don’t enjoy feeling like I’m some servant and you’re the lord of the manor. I don’t want to feel that way again. So I’ve decided that you can do the shopping for a while.” Hand him the envelope of clipped coupons, then make a graceful exit out of the room. I bet his jaw will drop to the floor behind you.

When he tries to get you to shop, say a firm no. If he’s going to complain about giving you money to shop, he needs to do it for himself to see how good of a shopper you really are. Sure, you may have strange meals for a while. But I would bet you one of my prized jukeboxes that after a couple weeks of having to shop for the groceries himself, that man will hand you back the coupons along with some cash (and probably more than he’s given you before). And there won’t be any more complaints either. Bon appétit!

The No-Room-to-Fail Mama

Did your husband’s mother give him any room to fail, or did she expect him to be perfect? Did she tell him to make his bed, inspect it, and then remake it so it was perfect? Was she always bossing him around and telling him what to do?

If so, then your husband is likely to react negatively and often explosively to any criticism of yours. You might think it’s a minor thing to point out that the mirror he hung is a bit crooked, but what does he hear in his head?
You’ve messed up. You’re an absolute failure. I knew you couldn’t do anything right!
You don’t mean to convey this impression, but because of his rearing, that’s exactly what your husband hears. In the male mind, there are no degrees of success—only pass or fail.

So what do you do? Just not say anything? Well now, that wouldn’t accomplish much, would it?

There’s a better way to take the tension out of such a situation: brag about your husband to his face! Let him know that you appreciate the character qualities his mother might have missed, and that despite some of his shortcomings, you’re delighted with your catch.

Will such words make a change overnight, or even by the end of the week? Probably not. Remember that you are combating at least 18 years of his mother’s negative training, so it will take a while.

How would this work with the crooked mirror? You could say, “That looks terrific, honey. You put the mirror exactly where I want it. It’s so good of you to get that done. I wonder, however, if it’s a little crooked. Do you think that’s a problem, or is it just me?”

Trust me, that man will take another look at that mirror, and he’ll use his logical, analytical mind to adjust it perfectly to your liking—without being colored by the emotions his mother invoked in him.

The Driven Mother

Do you ever wonder why your husband can’t slow down? Why he always has to keep moving, keep working, and even play hard as if he’s working?

It probably has everything to do with how he was reared. Did his mother keep him busy, busy, busy? Did she pack his after-school hours and weekends with scheduled events—especially events where he had to perform? Did she hold high expectations for everything he did, both at home and at school? Was he allowed any downtime where he could choose what he wanted to do? Did his family focus on togetherness, or did the family members go their separate ways during dinner or vacation times?

If your husband grew up in a home with a driven mother, he may not really have bonded with his family. He may not be used to being together, because he was never really together with his family in his growing-up years. If your husband was programmed to be driven, you have a lifelong battle getting him to slow down.

But you can help him do it, by degrees. This one won’t be fixed by Friday, but you can certainly take a crack at it by adjusting your own activities. Also, tell your husband how important he is and his presence is to your family, and that you miss him when he’s not there. Plan vacations as a family. Set aside a couple nights a week, for starters, to make “just the family” dinners, and cook something special.

Your husband needs you to save him from himself and the program running in his head. Otherwise he’ll run himself ragged. So help him put on the brakes, slowly and gently. Showing him that you respect him, need him, and want to fulfill him will go a long way toward keeping that man at home and in the family court.

The Disciplining Mother

This mama knows the way to do it. When the kids act up, she’s not the one who says, “Wait until your father gets home.” Instead she says, “We need to talk right now. I won’t put up with that. You know better, and I’m not going to let you get away with that.”

Her kids think she’s tough sometimes, but she’s always fair. When she says that something will happen, it does. Promised consequences follow actions. If Andy doesn’t take out the trash, then she simply doesn’t take him to his friend’s to play that night, and Andy has to call his friend and explain why.

The disciplining mother doesn’t do anything for the child that he can do for himself. She wants him to be strong and self-sufficient. She insists that he pull his weight around the house and fulfill his list of chores. Yet she is tender and loving toward her child as well.

If you married a man with this type of mother, then you most likely have a great and attentive husband on your hands, who understands the consequences of his actions and knows that you’re not a pushover. Because he had respect for his mother, he’s likely to have respect for you.

Your husband needs you to save him from himself and the program running in his head.

You can’t compete with a mother’s upbringing. But you can work around it. If you married a man with issues, you have a job ahead of you. If you didn’t, be incredibly thankful—and make sure to thank your mother-in-law!

What He Longs For

Today your grown-up boy longs for the same things from you that he longed for from his mama (and may or may not have received): acceptance, belonging, and companionship.

He needs to know that he has your unconditional acceptance. That even if he loses his job in a rough economy, you won’t think less of him. That he’ll still be your man, your lover, your provider. The one you’d choose to marry all over again.

He also needs to feel that he belongs to you. Quite frankly, your husband doesn’t have anything else to really belong to. Sure, he goes to work, but he doesn’t belong there. He may work out at a gym or play basketball on Thursday nights with the guys, but he doesn’t belong to them. He only has himself—and you. Those guys who have one good male friend are truly blessed.

Now, you take your husband, then add a job, a busy life, and several kids to the mix. You tell me where your man fits into that paradigm. Does your guy know that he belongs to the family? That he’s needed? That his role as husband and daddy are important, and that you can’t imagine life without him?