Have a New Husband by Friday (12 page)

I’ve actually encouraged women to file papers for divorce just to get the man’s attention—to show that she means business and is taking action. At times, believe it or not, that can bring an abusive man to the point of realizing he’s been wrong and he needs counseling and help.

With a lot of hard work on both parts, sometimes those relationships can be saved. That’s a big “sometimes,” because the learning patterns are so ingrained that they’re hard to shake.

There are times you have to take the buzzard by the beak. You have to say, “This is not going to work. And I refuse to cover for you or allow this behavior anymore.” You don’t stay to argue. You say it once, turn your back, and walk away.

Women Talk

My husband’s been an alcoholic for 17 years. I used to call and cover for him at work when he got drunk. Then I heard you speak at a seminar about not being the enabler. I went home that day and decided to give it a try. My husband drank so much that night that he was hung over the next day. Usually I call in to work and tell them he’s not feeling well and will be a little late. My husband gets away with it since his boss doesn’t come in until 11. But that next morning I didn’t call in. I just let the phone ring when his work called to see where he was.

Hal was furious with me when he woke up. “Why didn’t you answer the phone?” he yelled. I told him I wouldn’t cover for him anymore. I wouldn’t lie for him anymore. I was done.

When he got into work that day, he’d missed a really important meeting and his boss noticed. Let’s just say the boss wasn’t happy, and Hal ended up having to work most of that night. When he missed another morning at work, his boss caught on to him. He told him that if he wanted to keep his job, he’d have to go to AA. So now Hal goes. He’s not always happy about it, but he goes. He still drinks way more than I’m comfortable with, but he’s stopped yelling at me. You’re right, Dr. Leman. It is all about consequences, and it worked. Our home is calmer now than it’s been for years.

Janet, Texas

Where do I draw the line? There are two actions that are completely unacceptable.

Physical or sexual abuse and threats that he’ll hurt or kill you or your children.
You should
never
stay in a marriage where your husband physically abuses you, sexually abuses you, or threatens your life and physical well-being with a gun or a knife. For your sake and for the sake of your children (if any), you need to move quickly to make a plan to get out. But you also have to be smart. You need to move out at an opportune time when doing so won’t put you or your children in danger. In other words, assuming your husband has a job and goes to a work site or an office, you need a well-thought-out escape plan.

Contact the local women’s shelter in advance to get specifics and suggestions about how to handle the next steps for your own and your children’s well-being. Although a women’s shelter is temporary and you need to have a long-term plan in mind for where you can go, the staff there are trained to assist you with the initial time of crisis.

You need to form a plan for where you’re going and what you need to do to get out the door and stay out. Perhaps after your husband goes to work, you pack necessities for you and the children, pick the children up from school, and go directly to the women’s shelter. The staff there is trained to handle angry men, and you need that kind of protection. Going to your girlfriend’s several blocks away is not a good plan, especially if your man angers easily and is violent. He might go to your girlfriend’s and take you out, take your girlfriend out, and take your children out. Many wives in this country are murdered by their husbands—even if they have restraining orders against them. You need to get out, get away, seek legal counsel, and file charges with the authorities.

Love never demands its own way. If it does, it’s not love, and you cannot be fooled and hope for the best.

Emotional and verbal abuse.
“But, Dr. Leman, he’s not kicking me around,” you say. “He just yells at me and tells me I’m no good.”

Emotional and verbal abuse is just as damaging, though, as physical abuse. Words hurt; they last. And if your children are seeing this and are the subject of the same kind of abuse, the same results apply. You cannot continue to stay in an abusive relationship.

In physically, sexually, emotionally, and verbally abusive situations, you have to take control and get yourself and your children (if any are involved) away from that male controller. If you are a pleaser who wants the oceans of life to be smooth and will do anything to avoid a confrontation, this will be extremely difficult. Like a moth to a flame, you were drawn to this guy because he was so in control of everything. But you have to get out. This is not only an unhealthy situation, it’s a dangerous one.

You need to take control of your life. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children. They’re making notes every day on how your husband treats you. Let them see a mom who respects herself enough not to take abusive, disrespectful behavior.

No family is perfect, but children learn from their experiences at home that it is either a place where abuse and fear are allowed to reign, or a place where love and respect are the cornerstones of a satisfying relationship. Which experience do you want to pass on to the next generation?

I applaud you for your courage in doing what you need to do.

You need to take control of your life. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your children.

Wednesday
Think about What You Want to Say,
Then Divide It by Ten

How to talk so your guy will really listen . . . and listen so your guy will really talk.

I hate to fly coach. Yes, you can think I’m a snob, and I’ll admit to being partly snobbish about this fetish. But the real reason I need to be in the front part of the airplane is that I get terribly claustrophobic (this from a man who flies several times a week). Maybe I should see a psychiatrist. Maybe he could help me!

Anyway, the prime seat for me on the airplane is always the very first seat on the right-hand side. It’s the one place where no one in front of me can put the seat back, which helps my claustrophobia greatly. But once in a while, despite my best, charming efforts, I find myself stuck in coach.

The bad news is that I’m in coach. The really bad news is that there’s only one seat in coach I can survive in. In an MD-80, that seat is 7D, because it juts out a little bit into the aisle, and I don’t have that closed-in feeling. Well, I got stuck in 7D once when Sande was with me, and she dutifully sat in 7E, the middle seat. There was another woman sitting in 7F, the window seat.

It wasn’t long after we were settled in for a flight from Tucson to Chicago—that’s 3 hours, 20 minutes—that Sande struck up a conversation with the woman next to her. They talked for the better part of two and a half hours—nonstop. I could have given my wife a 100-question quiz on this Jane Doe’s life, and Sande would have passed with flying colors.

I was amazed at what they talked about—children, grandchildren, cooking, girlfriends, their relationships with their sons-in-law, Tucson, Chicago, the daughter who went to school in Chicago. They even swapped some recipes they could remember off the top of their heads. Point is, they talked and they talked. Every once in a while I would come up for air from my headphones, and they would still be talking.

So Sande meets a complete stranger and talks straight for two and a half hours of a 3-hour, 20-minute flight.
They got to know each other well in a short period of time. Then there's me with my headphones on. I've flown nearly four million miles on American Airlines alone, but there are many flights when I get on, see a fellow in the window seat, and say, "Good morning." That's it. Two words. On a trip from Tucson to Chicago, that's an average of one word every hour and 45 minutes.

You see, I have no need to get to know the guy next to me. I just don’t. But Sande, and women like her, really enjoy that “sharing” communication. Once again, it’s what makes men and women so marvelously different from each other. Women lined up in a restroom at a concert or athletic event strike up a discussion. Men just want to go in, do their job, and get out.

Every once in a while I would come up for air from my headphones, and they would still be talking.

I don’t have stretch marks. I’ve never had a period. But my wife tells me I have a nose like a beagle for relationships. I can smell a rat (make that “a loser guy”) at twelve feet. I’ve spent years living with women (a wife and four daughters), counseling women, and observing women.

Recently, when I was in a mall, I saw the enthusiastic meeting of three friends at the mall. The conversation went something like this.

“Oh, Molly, I love your hair! It’s
adorable
,” woman #1 said, after hugs had been exchanged.

And that was the cue for Molly to go into a long dissertation.

“Oh my goodness, I don’t know. Don’t mention it. With my angular chin, long neck, and nose, I wanted it layered and feathered like this”—she took out a picture of what she was supposed to look like—“but the hairstylist did it all wrong. I have to go with Richard to his company party next week, and I just don’t know how to fix it.”

“Oh, it’s not that bad,” woman #1 said.

“And your shoes and your outfit . . . they’re so
unusual
. Wherever did you get them?” woman #2 added.

Molly shrugged. “Oh, I just wanted to try something new. You really like them?”

“You can make anything look good,” woman #1 said.

After another five minutes of constant chatter (I was sitting there drinking a Starbucks and watching them, because I couldn’t help myself), Molly took her leave.

And you know what those other two friends said?

“Oh my, that haircut. How embarrassing. But I could never tell her. It’d hurt her feelings,” woman #1 said.

“And that
outfit
,” woman #2 added. “She looked like my 5-year-old in dress-up mode. With really big hips. That did not do her any favors. You know, I was thinking about getting
my
hair cut differently. . . .”

And off they went to continue their discussion.

Compare that with two husbands meeting at the mall.

“Ken.” A handshake.

A nod. “Kevin.”

“Nice weather we’re havin’.”

“Yup.”

Then, if we’re feeling really social, one of us will add a comment.

“Got a haircut, huh?”

“Yup.”

That’s it. The extent of the conversation. And you know what?

We’re satisfied.

I can guarantee you those men didn’t notice each other’s outfits, or, if the clothes registered faintly, that image was forgotten the instant he walked off.

Women Talk

We’ve made significant progress in our marriage since we started applying the principles you talked about at our church seminar last month. My biggest struggle in marriage has been that my husband doesn’t communicate the way I feel he ought to. The lightbulb went on when you said, “He’s not your girlfriend, he’s your husband.” Sounded simple, but applying that truth has been life changing. And it took me only 17 years of marriage to figure that out (with your help). Guess I’m a slow learner, huh?

Alicia, Texas

But notice the biggest difference about these interactions: the word count used. Did you know that you use seven times the amount of words that your husband does every day—even on the days when you don’t feel like talking to others?

I took an impromptu poll of women recently. I talked to ten married women and asked them what bugs them the most about their guy. Nine out of ten said, “He doesn’t talk to me,” and they followed it with, “I can’t get him to do anything.” Think about it this way: if you’re always talking, then why does he need to?

You see, your guy is pragmatic. Enough words are flying in the air; he doesn’t feel led to add to them. And again, when you think he’s not thinking, the computer between his ears is actually quite busy in its processing mode. He just needs time to think through the angles sometimes before he responds. If you’re too pushy and anxious, he’ll pick up on that pressure to perform, and he’ll shut down
and
shut up.

After 40-plus years of marriage, I finally worked up enough courage to look my wife in the eye and tell her, “You’re bossy.”

Her response? “I’m not bossy. My ideas are just better than yours.”

Now what could I say to that? Most of the time, she’s right!

Communication 101

1. Realize he won’t use as many words as you do.

2. Don’t set up expectations that are unrealistic for the male species.

3. Be specific when something’s bothering you.

4. Give the CliffsNotes, not the whole enchilada.

5. Don’t expect a quick response; give him time to think.

Good Communication Rules

If you want to have a new husband by Friday, here are a few simple rules.

Say It, but Divide It by Ten

If you take away anything from this chapter, let it be this one principle: the pathway to your husband’s heart and mind is equidistant. If you get to his mind, you’ll get to his heart. If you get to his heart, you’ll get to his mind. But an excess flow of words will shut down your guy’s attention every time. He won’t say it, but he’ll be thinking,
Could you just get to the point?
Your husband doesn’t use as many words as you do, so don’t assume he wants all the details like your girlfriend would. He doesn’t. He wants the CliffsNotes so he can get the gist of the situation, then get on to solving the problem without wasting time.

So if you expect him to want the whole enchilada, you’ll frustrate yourself and him. Men tend to be
linear and lockstep in their thinking: this happened, then that happened, then that happened . . . 1, 2, 3. Women tend to go about their conversations in more of a circular fashion, telling what they feel first, then throwing in bits here or there about what actually happened. Along the way, they lose the linear male, who is trying to sort out what exactly happened and what you're so upset about. Women can follow the bouncing ball when it comes to conversation; men can't.