Have a New Husband by Friday (13 page)

Your job isn’t to spell out everything for your husband; it’s to present the situation in as few words as possible. Then give him the courtesy of figuring it out on his own so he can help solve the puzzle. Men love to solve things, to crack the code. Doing so makes them feel like James Bond himself. So give the problem to him in short little sound bites, and let him run with it a bit. Even better, when he comes up with part of the solution, put your arm around him and say, “I’m so lucky to be married to you. You’re so smart.”

So give the info in
USA Today
style—compactly and only what he needs to know.
Give me the problem
, your husband is thinking,
and while you’re talking, I’ll get busy solving it.

If you ask a question and get silence as your answer, either he’s vegged out in front of the Super Bowl game, or you’re being critical and he’s learned to be careful about what he says. He won’t come out and give his opinion until it’s fully formed based on fact and research, and he knows exactly what he’s going to say and how he’s going to say it.

He won’t say it, but he’ll be thinking,
Could you just
get to the point?

Don’t Expect Him to Read Your Mind

“Sometimes I’m so tired of telling him what I want and need. Why can’t he just know?”

Stop right there. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have female body parts or female thinking. It’s a no-win situation for him to try to guess what you’re thinking, because he’ll be wrong. Or maybe you tell him what your need is and that he needs to meet it, but even when he does, you say, “Well, that’s my need all right, but you only met it because I told you to or asked you to. You don’t really care about me.” See what I mean? Your non-risk-taker husband isn’t dumb enough to fall for that. He’s your husband, not a mind reader.

So if you want your husband to know something, say something, or do something, simply ask him. No games. Be specific and straightforward, and communicate respectfully.

If you’d like to go away for a weekend, hints will never work. Just come right out and say it: “Let me tell you about what I’d love to have happen sometime. . . .” Touch him, look into his eyes, and then slip him the commercial announcement of what you’d like him to do.

If you want your husband to know something, say something, or do something, simply ask him. No games. Be specific and straightforward, and communicate respectfully.

Don’t Ask Unnecessary Questions

If you already know the answer, don’t ask the question.

“Did you mean to put the garbage out early?”

Well, duh, if the garbage can is outside, he evidently put it out early.

Are you ever going to hear this kind of explanation from your guy? “Of course I put it out early, because I read the paper and they’re picking up early because of the holidays. You don’t think I’m smart enough to figure out when to put the garbage out when I do this 52 weeks a year? And now you’re questioning me? Boy, you sure don’t respect me.”

Tell, Don’t Share

If you want to tell your husband something, then
tell
him, don’t “share.”

Tell him, “The dog drank out of the toilet bowl again and wet the rug. Any ideas how to stop that?” instead of, “I’m so mad. I can’t believe it. That dog . . . ooh, he wet all over the rug
again.
It’s the third time this week. And he’s been drinking out of the toilet bowl again. I just knew we shouldn’t have bought that dog. . . .” And the litany goes on.

Give your husband the CliffsNotes, then ask for his help. “The school called me today because Timothy got caught cheating on an exam,” you say. “Here’s what I need from you. I need to know what you think
I
ought to do, what you think
you
ought to do, and what you think
we
ought to do. Would you let me know?” State the problem and what you need your husband to do, then walk away and let him think through the situation.

Think of it this way. A woman’s natural inclination is to share, to tell the whole story in every fine detail. You’ll lose your husband’s interest if you do so. You see, when you begin to talk, his knee-jerk reaction is, “Let me fix that.” But you don’t always want things to be fixed. You want him to listen, right? Realize that telling a man something without asking him to fix it is like putting a steak bone in front of a hungry dog and asking him not to salivate. But if you tell him up front what you want him to do, he’ll curb those very natural urges (most of the time).

Say It Once, Then Skip the Nagging

If you want your husband to do something, try this wonderful three-step process, guaranteed to get results.

1. Say it once.

2. Turn your back and walk away.

3. Resist the temptation to remind him.

Here’s what I mean. Let’s say that at 6:00 on Saturday your friends, the Johnsons, are coming for dinner. The yard is a real mess from your husband’s projects, and you’d like to get it picked up before your guests arrive. You’re hoping he’ll think of it himself, but he doesn’t. So, at 10 in the morning on Saturday, you tell your husband, “Honey, the Johnsons are coming for dinner. Would you mind picking up the yard before they get here? Having our home look nice is important to me.”

The typical male will nod in response. If he hasn’t used his word count for the day yet, he might even say, “Okay, I’ll do that.”

So you go about your business to get other things done that day. But You’re afraid that he’s forgotten. He’s been puttering around in the garage, but there’s no action on your front lawn. So, if you’re anything like Mrs. Uppington (my beloved wife), half an hour later you remind him. “Uh, honey, are you still going to pick up the yard?”

Talking Male Code

When he says . . .

“Fine,” it means he’s angry.

“Whatever,” it can mean (based on body language and tone): “It doesn’t really matter to me, so whatever you want to do is fine,” or, “I know you’ll get your way anyway, so why fight it? Just do what you want.”

“Not now,” it means, “I don’t want to deal with this right now. I don’t want to tell you. I’m processing. Leave it alone.”

“Okay, if that’s the way you want it,” it means, “I’ll get even with you later. You haven’t listened to me at all. I’m sick and tired of trying to make my point, so do whatever you want.” (Then watch out—he’s going to start playing the “Dump Truck, Dump Truck, Who’s Got the Dump Truck?” game. You don’t want to go there. It’s a vicious cycle: if you have the right to dump on him, he has the right to dump on you.) you don’t see any action from your husband and you get antsy.

“Yup,” he says, and continues on his project.

Give it a couple more hours, and you’re starting to steam. After all, it’s 2:00, and the Johnsons are coming in four hours. You’re really going to be embarrassed if the yard is such a mess. If you remind him again, get prepared for a sullen husband who isn’t going to be helpful now—or ever again.

What you haven’t taken into account is the male mind-set. Here's what he's thinking:
She told me at 10 in the morning to pick up the yard. Okay, I'll do that. I want to finish my project in the garage first. Let's see, they're coming at 6, and it takes me 10
minutes to take a shower and clean up, so if I attack the yard at 4, I'll have plenty of time.
And off he goes with his plan for the day.

Your husband has every intention of doing what you ask. Remember, he wants to please you. He’s even scheduled what you want done in his day. But reminding him short-circuits his “want to” and his pleasure in doing something for you. Every time you remind him, he’s thinking,
What, you don’t think I can keep anything in my head for a few hours? Of course I’m going to get that done.

Each of us has our own private logic—the way we look at life. If you tell your husband the two of you need to be somewhere at a specific time, most men will calculate in their mind,
Okay, let’s see here. We have to be there by 7. The traffic that time of day is pretty slow—after rush hour. So we’ll need to leave by 6:10.
He also figures out the best way to get from point A to point B and has it all plotted out.

Each of us has our own private logic—the way we look at life.

Now, will your man say this to you? “By the way, honey, I know we have to be there at 7, and in an effort to please you, I was listening to the news to get the report on the traffic. I’ve figured out that we’ll have plenty of time if we leave at 6:10 and take the expressway to the Ohio exit. We’ll even get there early.”

Can you
imagine
your husband saying that to you? Nuh-uh.

Ain’t gonna happen. But it doesn’t mean he hasn’t figured it all out in his head already.

If you nag him and remind him, he’s psychologically rolling his eyes and telling himself,
She just doesn’t understand me, does she?

I know that stuff. I don’t have to be told again.

Take, for instance, my dear wife, Sande, a true firstborn if ever there was one. We were on our way to the Social Security office (I’ve reached the age where I need to consider such things), and she had told me three times that we needed to leave soon. Not one time, not two times, but three times. I don’t need to be told that. I know exactly how long it will take me to get to the Social Security office—25 minutes. And mark my words, it’ll be 25 minutes.

We’re two completely different creatures, but we can still learn to get along fabulously. How you use your words makes all the difference.

If you want to make your husband feel like an idiot, continue to remind him of what he’s supposed to be doing and when. Just keep talking. Nagging always creates a resentful husband.

Don’t go there. Give your husband some credit for being a grown-up, and he’ll act like one (well, at least most of the time—there’s still that little boy in all of us). Tell him once, and then let the information go into his computer to be swirled around until he solves the problem.

“But, Dr. Leman,” you’re saying, “if I did that, I’d never get anything done around the house. He simply wouldn’t do it.”

Really? Are you so sure? Why not try an experiment in the next couple days to see if you get a happier, more helpful husband by Friday?

1. Say it once.

2. Turn your back and walk away.

3. Resist the temptation to remind him.

And if he doesn’t get it done, then add another step:

4. Let reality be the teacher.

These steps work for children (I used them in my book
Have a New Kid by Friday
), and they work for the children’s father too. If he doesn’t get his project done, then let reality be the teacher.

Let’s say you ask your husband to deposit his paycheck in the bank on the way home from work, to make sure it covers the large check you have to send to Visa the next day. He forgets, and you find the paycheck in his pants pocket four days later. That same day you get a letter from the bank, saying your Visa check has bounced and outlining the fees you need to pay—plus your bank account is overdrawn.

Do you take care of this yourself? Do you call up the bank or run over there immediately to apologize and take care of it? Do you call Visa and promise to get a new check to them right away? Do you then go to your husband, wag your finger, and say, “This is all your fault. I told you to deposit that check, and now look what’s happened!”

No, you simply place his paycheck and the letter from the bank on his dinner plate (or somewhere else you know he’ll find it). If he asks you to take care of the problem, your answer needs to be no. You already asked him to take care of it once and he didn’t, and now he needs to deal with the consequences and follow up himself. The next time you ask him to do something, I bet he’ll file that request as a priority, don’t you?

You don’t need to play judge. Just let reality be the teacher.

So say it once. Be specific. Give your husband a day that a task needs to be done, a time it needs to be done (if any specific deadline), and the reason it needs to be done. “Honey, the Johnsons are coming tonight at 6. I’d like to have the yard picked up and done before they come, since you said you wanted to barbecue ribs on the grill. I know you’d like the lawn to look as nice as I would.”

Ordering your husband to do a task will only cause him to dig his crab claws into the earth and not move forward. He’ll revert to his “no one’s going to tell me what to do” basic male response to orders. No male likes to be ordered around, especially by a woman. I know that may sound terribly sexist, but it’s true.

One wife told me her husband got grumpy every time she asked him to do anything, even getting something down for her from a cupboard above her head. Finally she asked him, “Why don’t you want to help me?”

Husbands Can Say
the Stupidest Things

When your husband says something stupid, don’t say, “How could you even
think
of such a thing?” Don’t give the disgusted, you’re-out-to-lunch look. Instead, look him straight in the eye and say, “Tell me more about that.”

The key is to keep your man talking so you know what he’s up to (but that’s your secret!).

“I don’t like it when you order me around.”

She was stunned. “When I ask you to please get something from the cupboard to help me, that’s ordering you around?”

“It sure feels like it. It’s all in your tone.”

“So how am I supposed to ask for help then?” she asked.

He shrugged. “Just make me a list. I’ll take it from there.”

So there you have it—there’s a reason for those “honey-do” lists (if they’re not overwhelmingly long). They give a man something to refer to and don’t have a “tone.”

Remember Grandma’s wise words: “You catch more flies with sugar than with vinegar.” She was right.

Keep in mind that your husband has a need to perform. He wants to know he measures up in your eyes. So you could say, “I know you’re busy and up to your eyeballs with work, even on a Saturday, but we’re having company over tonight. I know I’m asking a lot and don’t know if you could squeeze it in, but I’d really love to have the yard cleaned up so everything looks nice when we have those barbecued ribs you wanted to make. If you’re too busy, I can try to find someone else to do it. Just let me know.”