Have a New Husband by Friday (5 page)

Then you got home from the honeymoon, and jobs crowded in, relatives crowded in, financial reality crowded in, and perhaps a child or two crowded in. Your guy got so busy providing for the family that he didn’t pay as much attention to you along the way. (Even if you are working outside the home or making more than your husband does, your husband is the one who feels the pressure to be the provider for the family—that’s just the way males are wired to think.) You’ve started to feel more like a servant than a treasured wife and lover. You’re tired because of all your multiple responsibilities, and most nights you’re too pooped to whoop.

But sexual fulfillment is extremely important to a man. Notice that I said “sexual fulfillment,” not just “sex.” There’s a difference between simply having sex and being sexually satisfied. Many men and women run from person to person, having sex, just to find sexual satisfaction that lasts. But I will state it boldly: satisfying sex can be found only in the bounds of marriage, where both husband and wife have committed to love each other and stay together for a lifetime. Sex outside the bounds of marriage is not safe or emotionally satisfying (though it may be physically satisfying temporarily).

So here is this man who has chosen you—even with the few pounds you’ve gained since you met and married—to be his sexual partner. But just being a sexual partner isn’t enough. He needs you to be a
willing
sexual partner. He needs to be needed. Sexual fulfillment affirms the very core of who a man is—it affirms his masculinity. It intensifies his drive to protect you, to care for you, to love you, to provide for you. If you are intimate with your husband, he will seek no other. Otherwise you put him at great risk for being vulnerable and falling into someone else’s arms. Is that what he should do? No, but it is often what happens. That’s how affairs start. A little appreciation or a simple compliment can turn into a torrid affair that can pull your marriage apart.

If you choose not to have sex with your husband, does that justify him having an affair? Absolutely not. That’s not what I’m saying. A person doesn’t fall into an affair; he or she chooses to have an affair. And if your husband has done so (many of you reading this book will know what I’m talking about), he has made a devastating choice—for him and for you. (We’ll talk more about this later.)

What I am saying is that sex is important to your husband, even if it doesn’t rank high on your priority list. (We’ll talk more about that later.)

So make time for this very important aspect of your relationship. And don’t wait for him to initiate sex. Take a risk. Pursue him.

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
My husband has a big business dinner every year, and I go out of my way to look nice. After all, these are people he works with on a daily basis, and many of the supervisors and regional directors are there too. So I always have my hair done, buy a nice dress, do my nails. You’d think he could say, “You look nice.” But no. Nothing. I’m really frustrated.

A:
You need to talk straight with your husband. “I just did a little math. That was the ninth awards dinner I’ve attended with you for your company. For nine years I’ve done my hair, gone out of my way to find a dress—on sale—and always tried to look nice for you because I know these people are important to you. But I need to know something. Is it important to you that I look nice, or can I just throw something on this year?”

He’s going to look shocked, then he’s going to say, “Well, no, I want you to look nice.”

Then you can say, “Would it ever strike you that I’d like to hear you say I look nice? In order to get my hair done, I have to arrange for a sitter for the kids. I have to take them along to the mall to find a dress. Oh, that’s a lot of fun. Maybe you don’t realize how much time and effort goes into me trying to look nice. When you don’t say anything to me, it makes me feel like I don’t count, like you don’t notice or appreciate me. So I’m asking you and myself at the same time, is it worth it? If it’s not important to you, I’ll just throw myself together and comb my hair.”

That’ll turn your man around. He needs a wake-up call. Men enjoy a lot of things and never comment on them. He needs to know what’s important to you.

Above all, affirm his masculinity. Even men who are physically unable to have sex because of disabilities or ailments love to be stroked in various places. What your man needs to hear is, “I want you. I need you. You are my man.” That is sweet music to his ears.

In all my years as a therapist, I’ve never had one man who has been respected, needed, and fulfilled by his wife come to my office to seek a divorce. If it happens, I’ve never seen it. Why? Because those three basics are the foundation for your husband to be the man he’s intended to be. And you’ll be much happier and more satisfied in every respect because you paid attention to those key basics.

They’re oh so simple—but not easy. It takes a smart woman to realize that her husband doesn’t need a lot, he just needs a little. If you meet his needs in these three areas—you respect him, need him, and fulfill him—you will gain that new husband you long to have.

What You Need More Than Anything

We’ve just talked about your husband’s top three needs—to be respected, needed, and fulfilled by you. But what about a woman’s?

What do you long for more than anything?

You women have three top needs, in this order:

1. You need affection.

2. You need honest, open communication.

3. You need commitment to family.

Quite different from your husband’s top needs, aren’t they? See how different the two of you are emotionally, and why sometimes you rub each other the wrong way?

You want to snuggle and hear sweet somethings in your ear; he can’t kiss your neck without you ending up flat on your back because he’s wired to complete the act of sex. You crave hearing about his day and want to tell him all about yours; he’s giving you guttural responses because he’s problem solving what to do about the raccoon knocking over the garbage can every Monday. You want him to show up at your son’s Little League games; he’s late because he has to finish a project at work that will give him the edge over a colleague for a potential raise and new title.

See what I mean? So why not acknowledge your differences and take a little pressure off? And have a little fun along the way?

Bob Costas, a great sports announcer, has a spot on the radio that’s sponsored by JCPenney. Whoever wrote the commercial really understands men: “JCPenney makes it easy for you to get in, find it, and get out.” I was tickled when I heard that.

Then there’s my wife, who leaves tomorrow for Phoenix to go shopping. Evidently Tucson stores are inferior, so she has to drive 115 miles to shop.

I’m a go-for-the-gusto kind of guy. I get on the road and enjoy the competition of driving. I know where I’m going and have my destination solidly fixed in my mind.

Then there’s Sande. Once she was driving home with our daughter Hannah from Buffalo, New York. All of a sudden Hannah saw a sign and said, “Uh, Mom, we’re in Pennsylvania.” Sande had missed the turnoff. But you know what? That smart woman of mine just laughed. She wasn’t defensive; she didn’t take it badly that she’d driven past interstate 86 and ended up in good ol’ Pennsylvania.

I guess those big red, white, and blue interstate signs are difficult to see when you’re “sharing.”

It’s one of the many things I love about Sande. She’s incredibly fun, she’s sweet, and she’s talented in completely different ways than I am. Most of all, she shows me every day in multiple ways that she respects and needs me and does her best to fulfill me.

If you want a new husband by Friday, you have to understand just how tremendous an influence you have over your man, even if he doesn’t act like it or admit it. For instance, Sande can say to me, “Oh, that’s an interesting combination you have on, Leemie.”

And I know immediately what that means. It translates, “You didn’t dress right. Please go change.” My fear is that I’ll be at my funeral, laid out in my casket, and she’ll peer over the casket and say, “You’re not wearing that.”

You see, we’re different. Sande gets up in the morning, takes time to groom herself, does her hair, etc., so she’s always at her best. Me? I get up, put on a T-shirt, a baseball cap, and the shorts I wore the previous day. I brush my teeth and take my medicine, and I’m out the door. Notice that I didn’t need to comb my hair.

Why? It’s simple: I’m wearing a hat. Why would I need to comb my hair?

My life, as a man, is simpler than Sande’s. I don’t deal with “that time of the month,” and most days I don’t have to think about dinner, unless I’m taking her to dinner someplace. And before you protest that I’m saying the woman always has to be the cook in the family, let me state for the record: everyone in the Leman family knows that Sande is a much better cook than I am, and she enjoys cooking.

Women Talk

In my ten years of marriage I tried to please my husband. But it wasn’t until I heard you on a TV program that I realized in trying to please my husband, I always expected something specific in return. When I stopped expecting my husband to pay me back, I found something really interesting: I started to enjoy pleasing and surprising my husband. I’m amazed at what’s happened in our home. My husband has pleased me more in the last three months than in ten years of marriage! That’s brought the fun back into our marriage.

Cindy, Texas

I also have an assistant (a firstborn woman who’s very good at what she does) who keeps this baby of the family on time for all his appointments, speaking engagements, and radio and television shows. Somehow Sande manages to juggle all the tasks of her days without an assistant, and I’m continually amazed.

So, with all the differences between male and female creatures, is it possible not only to coexist but also to complement each other? You bet. Sande and I are a living testimony of that every single day. And we’re about as different from each other as you can get.

Some folks today, if given a shot at getting married all over again, would say, “I’d marry someone different.” But not me. I’d choose Sande all over again. You see, we’ve learned that by putting the other first, we’ve formed a union that won’t quit, that doesn’t consider divorce an option, and that is joyful every day. Do we irritate each other sometimes? Sure. We’re only human. But do we laugh a lot? Definitely.

So if you’re asking, “Dr. Leman, you mean I have to put my husband first?” well, yes, that’s part of what I’m saying. But I’m also saying that he has to put you first. That’s what marriage is all about. It’s not about two selfish parties wanting their own way; it’s about a partnership of two people working together for their common good.

Most guys are as dumb as mud about what to do to make you happy. But they’re sure willing to try. So why not give your guy a chance and see what can happen if you respect him, need him, and fulfill him?

Tuesday
Creatures from Another Planet . . . or
Creatures of Habit?

To understand men, you have to track ’em to their den.

When my buddy Moonhead and I were seven or eight years old, we hatched a scheme. Well, another scheme, since we were always up to something. We decided that we wanted to catch a rabbit. So we took a box out into the field, tilted it at an angle, and propped it up with a stick. Underneath, just inside the box, we put some lettuce and a carrot. To our thinking, that dumb little bunny was going to come hopping by, see the carrot, go inside, knock over the little stick holding the box, and voilà! The box would fall down like magic, and we’d catch ourselves a rabbit.

Talk about dumb and dumber.

But women occasionally make the same mistake by assuming they can rag on their man to turn him into a better husband. Pestering their husband to change is like trying to catch a rabbit without first studying what the critter is, where it feels most comfortable, and what it likes in its habitat.

Think of your husband as a creature for a moment. A creature who is in a very different phylum than you (if you remember your Biology 101 from high school).

Yeah, he’s a creature all right. A creature from another planet
, you might be saying about now. If you are, congrats! You’re on second base already. You’re going to make great progress because you understand that male of yours is a different creature physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

Physically, it’s easy to see the differences. That doesn’t take a brain surgeon, just a swift look at a couple of body parts. He has testosterone; you don’t. You have estrogen; he doesn’t. He would probably wear the same clothes day after day, week after week, if you’d let him. He’s had those favorite jeans for seven years now, the ones with the big wallet indentation in the back pocket. That doesn’t seem to bother him—but it does bother you. Compare how many shoes you have on your side of the closet to how many shoes are on his side. He’s very predictable. He’ll order the same food at the same restaurant (he rarely gets sick of anything) without looking at the menu, but you like to look over the menu for a while and choose something new to try. He reads the newspaper the same way every morning; you read articles that catch your eye.

Psychologist Karen Sherman sums up the differences between men and women and how they play out in relationships:

Women and men process information very differently. . . . Women’s brains are wired to respond to more subtle non-verbal cues. They also use 20,000 forms of communication a day (verbal and nonverbal) as compared to a male’s typical 7,000! Men’s brains are slightly larger in size but women’s brain’s have more neural connections. Men use one hemisphere to process information while women use both.
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