Have a New Husband by Friday (4 page)

My husband and I are now working together on our finances. It’s hard, I’m not good at it, but I’m learning. And because I’m trying to do my best now, my husband has done a 180 toward me—I can see it in his eyes.

Maggie, Tennessee

Here’s the rub. The man who feels dissed by his wife will sit back and think,
No way, no how, am I offering to help. She’ll just tell me what I’m doing wrong and how I should do it better. I can never measure up to her, so why should I even try?
So there he sits, in front of the boob tube, as his wife rushes around, getting frantic because there’s so much she needs to get done.

But the man who feels respected by his wife will sit back in absolute amazement and appreciation and watch her juggle. He’ll express that by saying, “Honey, I can’t believe all you got done today. You’re simply amazing.” Then he’ll take it a step further.

“What can I do to help?”

Let’s call a spade a spade. There is no way, no how, that the accomplishments of us men in a single day can hold a candle to the huge fires you women put out on a daily basis. What’s even more amazing is that 72 percent of you carry on all your family responsibilities and also work outside the home—and still somehow manage to make our world go round! Everything you do seems so effortless to us. You have a memory that doesn’t quit. Somehow all those birthdays, anniversaries, and papers that need to be signed for school all get taken care of, and right on schedule. We can’t begin to compete with that.

That’s why respect is the #1 need for us men. Keep in mind that we
want
to please you (the little boy who wanted to please his mama has never quite grown up), but we know we can’t come close to competing with you in what we do. Still, the little-boy heart in all of us longs for your respect—your belief that we indeed are capable, worthy human beings, and that we’re important in your world.

Without respect, there is nothing to build your marriage on. There’s no foundation. If you can’t respect your husband, you might as well call it quits, because your marriage isn’t going to make it.

Here’s the even bigger issue behind respect. A man needs to feel your respect in order to love you the way you want to be loved. If he doesn’t feel your respect, he won’t climb out of his turtle shell to risk loving you because he might get hurt.

Ask Dr. Leman

Q:
My husband never wants to go anywhere. He likes to stay home and putter around. A friend of ours is having a big barbecue in a month, and everyone we know is going. It would be a great time to catch up with our friends. But my husband said, “No, I don’t want to go.” He’s so stubborn sometimes. How can I get my husband to see that doing things with friends, as a couple, is important to me?

A:
When you and your husband were dating, what did you like to do? Did you do a lot of social activities with friends, or did you do quiet things with just the two of you, like having dinner, watching movies, taking walks through the park? Your husband may be an introspective guy who doesn’t like the social scene. If you’re a social butterfly who likes action and being surrounded by others, that can cause problems in your marriage.

Why not talk to your husband? Tell him it’s important to you to do some things together with friends, and it means a lot to you to have him by your side at those events. Ask him if he’d be willing to go with you to the barbecue, but for a shorter time—perhaps one and a half hours instead of the four hours it usually takes. Tell him that when he gives you the high sign, you’ll leave immediately. If he still says no, tell him, “Honey, I respect your decision. I understand it’s not really your thing. But I’d still like to go. Would you mind if I went for a couple hours, and after I come home we could watch a movie of your choice?”

If your husband isn’t wired to enjoy social interaction and he was like that when you married him, give him a break. Don’t force him into situations where he’s uncomfortable and withdraws from you or gets grouchy. Is his being with you at the barbecue really worth that?

Also, are the friends at the barbecue just your friends, or friends of both of you? There’s a vast difference. If you’re teaching college and always around highly educated folks, and he works in a diesel machine shop and is always around blue-collar workers, your guy could feel a bit intimidated if surrounded by all your colleagues and friends.

If your husband used to be a social creature but has withdrawn from activities with others, probe gently. “Honey, I noticed that you don’t like to do activities with friends anymore. I could be wrong, but I’m wondering if something is bothering you and if there’s anything you’d like to talk about.”

Give those methods a try.

Then again, there are some men who don’t deserve your respect because there is nothing to respect about them. They are crude, rough, and abusive. They treat women—you included—as a doormat to wipe their boots on. They don’t respect you, and they make that clear in their daily treatment of you. If that’s the situation you find yourself in, read on. You don’t have to put up with such behavior. You shouldn’t put up with such behavior. God almighty did not put you on this earth to be a doormat. You are a worthy, valuable human being. You’ll find the next chapter very helpful in what you should do next to combat this type of behavior in your home, because it has to stop.

But the average husband wants to please you; he just doesn’t know how. Of course you’re better at a lot of things, but does that mean you shouldn’t allow him to try? For example, I saw a father who, for the first time, diapered his 1-year-old son. As the child toddled off down the hallway, the diaper began its slow slide down to the carpet until the child, naked as a jaybird, began to run gleefully down the hallway, right into his mama’s arms. You know what that wife did? She looked at her husband, wiggled her eyebrows, swept the child up with a laugh, and said, “Not so fast, big boy. Your daddy’s ready to give your bottom another shot.” And as that wife transferred that bare-bottomed child to her husband, she whispered in her husband’s ear, “That was a great first try. I’d sure love to see
your
bare bottom later. Think we can plan on that?”

Now that’s the smart wife. What did she do? She respected her husband’s efforts to help (as inefficient as they were) and gave him the promise of reward for those efforts. Do you think that husband will be eager to help her with anything else that needs getting done? You bet. And as he does it, he’ll be smiling ear to ear, thinking,
Wow. What a woman. And she chose me.

Do you think that man will find himself being turned on by a co-worker who gives him a nice compliment? Nah. He’ll just say a quick thanks and brush on by, because he can’t wait to get home to
his
woman.

Right about now, some of you are saying, “Okay, Dr. Leman, stop right there. Everything you’re saying so far has to do with what
I
have to do to get a new husband by Friday. So what about my husband? Doesn’t he need to do his share of work in the marriage?”

Yes, he sure does. But here’s the catch: your husband won’t do his part until you do yours. That’s because it’s too risky for him, as a male, to try to do something when he doesn’t know if it will be accepted.

Do you want the kind of husband who will listen patiently as you tell him about the idiots at work who are driving you up the wall? Do you want to be able to tell him anything and know that he'll understand? That he's there for you? When you talk to your husband, most of the time you don't really want him to solve your problem, do you? After all, you're a smart woman. You can figure it out. Most likely you know what you want to do already. But there's something wonderful about being able to share with your husband your thoughts and feelings, getting a warm hug of comfort, and hearing, "I'm sorry. That must be hard. I understand. Anything I can do to help you right now?"

Do you know how hard—and unmale-like—that is for a man? It’s a male’s first inclination to problem solve, to say to you when being presented with a problem, “Okay, here’s what you should do . . .” and begin to tick off three immediate things you should act on. But respect is about understanding the other person, knowing how they tick (and what ticks them off), and what they’re really asking for when they tell you about a situation.

But guess what? Your husband isn’t as sensory oriented as you are, as studies show. That means he needs you to help interpret situations for him. He needs you to tell him, “Honey, I want to tell you about something that happened today with X. I don’t need you to solve it for me, I just need you to listen.”

You know what your husband will do? He’ll perk up. He’ll listen. You’ve just told him there’s a problem and whom it’s with (and since it isn’t with him, he won’t be on the defensive), and you’ve given him the assignment (to listen rather than problem solve), so he’s at his male forte. He’ll do as you ask.

Here’s the catch: your husband won’t do his part until you do yours.

Women Talk

If I knew it was this simple, I’d have tried it years ago. The other day I caught my husband vacuuming. Vacuuming! We’ve been married 22 years, and I’ve never seen the man vacuum. If I run to the store and leave dishes on the table, the table is clean and the dishes are washed by the time I get home. All because I started to tell my husband how much I need him. Your plan really works.

Phyllis, New York

He Needs to Be Needed

Think about how many friends you have—people you see on a regular basis, enjoy spending time with, go to lunch with.

Now think about how many close friends your husband has—and I’m not talking about the co-workers he says good morning to when he snags his cup of coffee in the break room. I’m talking people who know him really well.

Got it? Chances are high that it took you both hands to count all the friends you have. Then there’s your husband. If he’s a fortunate man, he has one close guy friend. For me, it’s my buddy Moonhead.

We go way back. But unlike our wives, we don’t spend our time “sharing” our hearts. We don’t spend hours talking—though we do have a record of 36 minutes in a row, on a very serious subject.

But that’s rare.

Most of the time, your husband has one friend. Guess who that is? You. See why it’s so important that you respect him, as we talked about in the last section?

Your husband needs to be needed. Not by just anyone, but by you. You figure much higher in your guy’s thoughts and life than you might think.

When you show your husband that you need him in your world, you trigger his God-given drive to provide, to help, and to solve problems. That’s what a man likes to do best. He’s a natural at it. That's why your husband sometimes drives you crazy telling you that you should do X, Y, Z in certain situations. That's his way of taking care of the problem and thus showing he cares for you.

Shut off that problem-solving ability, and your man no longer feels needed. He feels criticized and put down, and he backs off quickly. You no longer have a helper; you have a reticent, sulking child to deal with. (I’m not proud of this truth about men, but a fact’s a fact, and I’ll admit to it in my own behavior. Just ask Sande.)

When it gets down to brass tacks, your husband doesn’t have a lot of close personal friends with whom he socializes and talks. He has you. And oftentimes you’re stressed. You have a career and multiple things to accomplish for the day. Add a kid or two or three in the mix, and how does your husband feel? Like a little puppy with sad eyes who’s left behind in the corner, just hoping someone will look up and see him and take him for a walk.

It all goes back to the fact that your tough guy isn’t as tough as he looks. Buried underneath all that bravado is a sensitive heart that fears being hurt.

Showing your husband he’s needed is almost an art form. But it’s so easy, and the results are worth the effort. When you see your husband in the evening, tell him, “Honey, I’m so glad you’re home. Today’s been a really stressful day, but all I could think about was getting to see you tonight again. I’m so glad I married you.” Then slip him the commercial. “After you change clothes, would you mind helping Caysie with her homework while I finish up dinner? Then she’ll be able to get to bed on time, and we can relax a little together.”

Your husband needs to be needed. Not by just anyone, but by you. You figure much higher in your guy’s thoughts and life than you might think.

Again, that’s a smart woman. First she tells him she’s glad to see him. (What guy doesn’t want to hear that?) Next she tells him the day has been stressful and asks for his help with a specific thing. Then she promises him a reward at the end—time with her, the one he cares about the most and feels most comfortable with. What does she get in return? A happy husband who feels needed, who hurries home to her, and who helps out however he can.

Your words take so little time, but they mean so much. They’re like rubbing a puppy’s belly. They’re the “ahh,” the “attaboy.” They’re the catnip that makes the cat go crazy and be attentive to your every move. They’re what will help you attain your purpose of having a new husband by Friday.

Your guy needs you to be efficient and independent (as you already are)—just not
too
efficient and independent. He needs to know he has a solid place in your world, in your home, and in your arms.

Sex is very important to a man. But it’s not the only thing. There’s ESPN too.

He Needs to Be Fulfilled

I can already see some of you rolling your eyes at this one.
Oh, brother, here it comes
, you’re thinking.
You’re going to talk about sex now, aren’t you, Dr. Leman? After all, that has to be just about the only thing a guy thinks he needs to be fulfilled.

Well, you’re wrong—and you’re right. Sex is very important to a man. But it’s not the only thing. There’s ESPN too.

I’m kidding, but only partly. Think of it this way. When your guy chose you, he did so for a reason. He was thinking,
Hey, I found the woman of my dreams. I’m going to love her forever, and we’re going to have great sex. Got the marriage job done.