Hard Core (5 page)

Chapter 10

-Ledger-

I unfolded the
rickety beach chair. A spider popped out of it and crawled across my hand. I tossed it away, and it hiked over the warped floor toward my mattress. I let it live. I viewed it as a step up from the complete solitude I was feeling.

The chair creaked and wobbled unstably under my weight. I’d saved it and its even more rusted twin from a dumpster. They were the kind that you could use to sit on the sand, but they worked perfectly in front of the picture window overlooking the beach, the only good thing about Bombay Cottage. I popped open my soda and held it up in toast to the empty chair next to me.

The job interview had gone well. I’d even bought a phone right afterward to convince myself I was part of the real world again. The boss, Frank, was kind of a grouch, but he had plenty of work. I’d be spending a lot of time digging ditches, mindless work but a task that would keep me from going stir crazy here in my shack. The pay was decent, for someone whose main job was shoveling dirt. I was sure there were better jobs and opportunities inland, near the big cities, but I decided to stick it out here for awhile. My delusional plan had brought me to Rockwood Beach, and even if it wasn’t going to turn out the way I’d hoped, I could at least hang around, enjoy the beach and figure out what the hell I was going to do with the rest of my life.

The sun had set on the beach. The moon was on the waning or downhill side of full, but it still cast plenty of light on the sand. As diligent as Jacy was at taking an early morning walk on the beach, she didn’t always walk in the afternoon. Not that I hadn’t still kept my eye out for her. I had. But she never walked past. I was still feeling the sting of disappointment after my visit to her shop. But I easily reminded myself that I was not good enough to be part of her life. She deserved the best, and I was laughably far from that.

The chair made an angry sound as I leaned back and once again questioned my decision to furnish my place with garbage bin relics. The knock on my door that followed was light enough to be shrugged off as wind pushing against it. The next knock was hesitant but louder.

I put down the soda and pushed to my feet. My pulse raced as my hand wrapped around the doorknob. I knew it was her on the other side of the door. I could feel her standing there.

I opened the door. God, she was fucking unbelievable.

Her hands were tucked in her back pockets as she shrugged. “I was feeling like a heel this morning. Truth is, you interest me, and I haven’t felt interest in anyone in a long time. If we could still be friends, I’d really like that.” She paused. I stood silent like a fool. “Now it’s your turn to say something because I’m out of stuff to say.”

I found that it was always easier to swallow back all the feelings first when I was trying to talk to her. “I’d really like it too, Jacy.”

She pulled her hands from her pockets and wrapped them around herself to remind the dolt in the doorway that it was cold outside.

I stepped back. “Come on in. I’ve got some new furniture.”

She walked inside and smiled at the two crummy chairs situated right in front of the picture window. “I like what you’ve done to the place.” She followed her observation with a soft laugh.

Again, I knew I was staring, but I didn’t give a fuck.

She pushed one of her many unruly strands of hair behind her ear. A tiny diamond earring sparkled back at me. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I just wish there was a way to bottle your laugh. I’d wear it on a chain around my neck. That way, I could listen to it anytime.”

“That is so darn poetic and unexpected. Nothing about you makes sense, Ledger. Do you know that?”

“Learned that long ago, unfortunately.”

“No, I meant that as a compliment. Guess I’m not very good at tossing those around.”

“Nah, I’m just not used to hearing them.”

She walked over to the window and looked out at the beach. “Your view is better than mine.”

“The view is pretty much the only good thing about this place. Even the doors don’t lock.” I swept my hand around the room. “Which is no big deal considering the worth of my valuables.”

“But aren’t you worried about someone coming in and attacking—” She stopped and looked at me. “Never mind. A person would have to be crazy to do that.”

That conclusion made me smile. “Can I get you a soda? I don’t have any beer or wine. I try to stay away from the stuff.”

She looked back at me. “Does beer make you mean?” It seemed the second the question came out, she wanted to take it back. A pink blush covered her cheeks. “God, I’m sorry. What a stupid thing to ask.”

I badly wanted to tell her that I knew, that I wished I could have been there to stop it all. “You don’t need to apologize. It’s a legitimate question. I don’t get mean. I just don’t know when to stop, and then stupidness follows, usually in the form of really bad decisions. In other words, I’m not a mean drunk. I’m a goofball drunk.”

She laughed, but it was more a sigh of relief.

I walked to the ice chest and pulled out a drink. She stared down at the chair as I handed her the can.

“I asked all spiders to vacate, if that’s what you’re wondering.”

Her blue eyes rounded. “Actually, I wasn’t, but
now
I am. Did you see them leave or are you just hoping that they listened to your eviction notice?”

“I think you’ll be safe. I know the chairs look kind of rough, but I couldn’t beat the price. Plus they fit just right in front of the window.”

We both sat down in the creaky chairs and sipped sodas. “I got a job.” I realized it had been a long time since I could say anything positive about my life. It was a nice feeling.

“Great. Where at?”

“It’s all over. I’m working for a landscaping company. Digging ditches. I guess there’s no way to sugarcoat it or make it sound grander. But I’m just glad to have found something.”

“I’m happy for you. Guess that means you’ll be around for awhile.”

I looked over at her. A moment of disbelief, a moment that made me wonder if this was really happening, passed through me. “Is that a good or bad thing?” The question could have been interpreted in many ways, but she knew exactly what I meant. I waited for her answer.

She reached over and pushed a strand of hair from my face. Her fingers touched me. “It’s a good thing. No promises or anything, Ledger. But, I’m glad you’re staying.”

“I can live with that.”

She was touching me again. Her fingers trailed along the tattoos on my arm. “When did this start? Or can you even remember your first tattoo?”

“As a matter of fact I can, but it’s not really visible anymore. It was a skull . . . of course. I was sixteen. We lived near a logging yard. My friends and I would work there after school picking up scraps and broken branches. I saved up some money and found an off the grid tattoo artist who didn’t care about parent permission.”

“I take it that this infamous skull is somewhere that Mom and Dad couldn’t see it.”

I pushed down the top of my pants to expose what was left of the original tattoo on my lower stomach. “I managed to keep it hidden until I made the mistake of riding my snowboard off my friend’s icy roof. I thought the white puff below was just a pillow of powdery snow. So did my dumb friend. He’d forgotten about the old car his dad had parked there.”

Jacy winced as if she was feeling the pain herself. “That’s not good.”

“Broke my shin in two places. They cut my jeans off in the emergency room and my dad’s eyes bugged out more from seeing the tattoo than the weird right angle on my lower leg.”

“Was he mad?”

“Turned out that snowboarding off a roof was a bigger mistake than the tattoo. He was so pissed that I’d pulled off such a stupid stunt and gotten hurt that the skull was basically forgotten.” I looked down at the maze of ink on my arm. “Can’t really explain it, but the tattoos were a way of helping me cope with the everyday pitfalls in my life. Every mistake and bad decision erased a part of me, like a piece of soul lost for good. But the ink added back color. It kept me from disappearing completely. No matter how low I sank, I felt like I could always stay visible and relevant if I just kept adding tattoos.” I leaned back and stared out the window. I could feel her looking at me. “Don’t know why I just told you all that.”

“Because you’re comfortable talking to me. It’s the same reason that I came here tonight. It’s not easy finding someone you can just talk to without the usual get to know each other game and dance first. It’s almost as if we already knew each other, long lost friends or something.”

I didn’t respond. There was too much that I knew and too much that she didn’t know. It was always there, hanging over me. I wished it had been different. I wished that this had all just been fate, me showing up here at Rockwood Beach, her new neighbor. But it wasn’t fate. You can’t plan fate.

I needed to push back reality or this would be over long before it ever really started. And I wanted that. I wanted something to start.

“Speaking of a dance—” I placed my soda on the ground, hopped to my feet and walked to the radio. I turned it on. Jacy twisted back to watch me.

“There’s one decent station, plays mostly rock. It sounds tinny and grainy coming from this cheap radio.” I circled around in front of the chair and lowered my hand to her. “Dance with me, Jacy.”

“That is what we in the business world call an offer too good to turn down.” Her white smile lit up the room as she placed her hand in mine. I helped her jump up from the rickety chair, and she laughed as it tipped over.

“That laugh—” I said it out loud, only I wasn’t completely sure I’d meant to.

“I think it’s kind of shrieky.”

“No, it’s not. If there’s a sound that can add years to a man’s life, it’s the sound of your laugh.”

Her face softened, and she peered up at me with a look that I’d seen a million times in my daydreams. She tucked her hair behind her ear and a shy smile followed. “I believe I was asked to dance.” She was the first to touch. I’d been holding back, always fighting myself to keep from touching her, worried that if I did, she’d vanish like a mirage.

Her hand went around my neck. She leaned close to me, her body staying just a fraction of an inch from mine. There was just enough hesitation in the way she stood in my arms that I knew not to pull her toward me. I badly wanted to hold her hard and firm against me. But I didn’t. I placed my arm around her waist and we danced, slow and not at all in rhythm with the music.

Eventually, she relaxed enough to place her cheek against my shoulder. But still, she kept her distance. “You’re good at this,” she said quietly.

“No, I’ve got two left feet.”

“No, not the dancing, and you dance just fine, by the way. I meant, you’re good at making people feel good. Like Peter today, you had him grinning almost the second you started talking to him.” She lifted her head to look at me. “And me—”

“And you?”

She shook her head and lowered it back to my shoulder. “I needed this. Sometimes the bad can overwhelm the good. Somehow, standing here with you makes me feel like maybe someday that ratio is going to turn itself around, and the good will overshadow the bad permanently.”

It was hard not to tell her. I needed her to know that I came here just for that. I came here to make sure she never went through the bad again. I tightened my arm, and she melted against me. It was happening. I was holding her. I was holding Jacy in my arms. Maybe, for once in my life, that bad to good ratio was going to turn itself upside down too.

Chapter 11

-Jacy-

It was moving
along, sometimes too slow for my liking and sometimes too fast. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for any of this. I wasn’t completely sure how much risk I was willing to take with my heart. Rachel was great at cheering me on in the background, but I still had so many walls to climb before I could get back into a relationship.

As if the carnival owners had arranged it, the clouds and fog cleared just in time for opening day. The work week had been busy, and I was glad to hand off the Saturday morning rush to Henry, the coffee barista who filled in for me when I needed a break. Today was less about needing a break and more about wanting to spend time with Ledger. He, too, had been working long hours at his new job, and we’d only had time for evening walks on the beach. He still had not made the move to kiss me. I wasn’t sure if he was holding back or worried that I would turn away. There was little chance of that. I only hoped that it wasn’t out of lack of interest . . . on his part. There certainly wasn’t any on mine.

The carnival was only a few miles inland, and I could hear the music and voices as I walked along the sand toward the crowded pier. I realized just a few feet from the steps that my hands were trembling, and my knees were feeling less than sturdy. When had that happened, I wondered? It had been so long since I’d been interested in a man, I’d forgotten what giddiness felt like.

Ledger’s height made him easy to spot in the sea of heads. He took a moment to shoot a smile my direction before crouching down to adjust a bicycle seat for a customer.

Mike was busy at the register. He caught a glimpse of me before counting change back to someone. “Ah ha, Jacy, you’ve come to steal away my helper, eh?”

I walked over to him. “I can spare him longer if you’d like. But I must warn you that if the funnel cakes are sold out by the time we get to the carnival, you will have to suffer that on your conscience for the rest of your days.”

His booming laugh, just like his weather-worn face, long gray ponytail and his distinctive limp, was a part of the pier. It wouldn’t be the same, the entire Rockwood Beach wouldn’t be the same without Mike.

“I can’t live with the guilt of knowing I deprived you of a funnel cake, so you’d better take him. I think he’s just finishing up.” Mike lifted his face from his register for the first time to look at me. It was one of those all-knowing, wise man looks he was so good at. He knew people’s thoughts as if he could read them like a book, and he was always good at reading mine. “He’s a good guy. Lots of imperfections if you look close enough, but there’s plenty to like.”

“As usual, Mike, we’re of the same opinion. Great minds, right?”

“Yep.” He stood up from his stool, and the usual grimace of pain followed. “Ledger, you’re officially off the clock. You need to get Jacy to the funnel cake stand, otherwise there will be hell to pay.”

Ledger handed off the bicycle to the man who had just rented it and walked toward us. His long hair was pulled back, and he’d pulled a white t-shirt over his broad shoulders to contrast with the ink on his arms and neck. He was always such a darn stunning sight to see that I sometimes had to remind myself to breathe. I tucked my trembling hands into the pockets of my sweatshirt.

Mike handed Ledger some cash, but he waved it off. “Told you I owed you, Mike. I’d still be out looking for work if it weren’t for you. Besides, this was fun.”

Mike reluctantly returned the money to the box. “You two have a good time, and stay off that crazy Hammerhead ride.”

“That won’t be a problem,” I assured him.

“My truck’s out on the street,” Ledger said as we headed down the steps of the pier. “What’s this about funnel cake?”

“Oh, it’s not just going to be about funnel cake,” I said confidently. “I want a Ferris wheel ride, cotton candy, preferably pink but I’ll settle for blue in a pinch, and I want one of the giant stuffed animals.” I glanced down at his hand. “How’s your pitching arm?”

He lifted it. “Pretty good, if I say so myself. Might just get you two of those giant animals, one for each arm.”

“Perfect, because you’ve got me really hooked on this redo thing. And today, I’m starting over as a teenager, a lucky girl who just got asked to the carnival by the cutest boy in school, leaving all the other girls green with envy. I’m going to enjoy every minute of this new redo.”

I was growing all too fond of his deep laugh. It went magically with the rest of him.

I wrapped my arm around his. “A laugh? Are you mocking my teenager redo?”

“Hell no. I’ve just been given the cutest boy in school title, so I’m liking it. Just hope I can live up to the honor.”

“Something tells me you will.”

We reached his truck. It was more rust and dents than paint and metal, and there was an inordinate amount of duct tape inside, apparently holding stuff together. All of it made me smile. After letting me in the passenger’s side, he walked around and climbed into the driver’s seat. “It’s not a luxury sedan, or better yet, a high-powered sports car, but surprisingly, it gets me where I need to go.”

“I love it. It’s got charm. Frankly, it’s just what I would expect the cutest boy in school to be driving. Just too bad you’re missing the all important backseat.”

He grinned. “I think you’re underestimating a bench front seat.”

I took off my seatbelt and scooted over next to him. “Oh, am I?”

“Could get used to this. Backseat or not, I never had a girl as hot as you in high school.” He pulled onto the beach highway.

I was close enough that my thigh was touching his. “Right. I’ll bet you were fighting them off. That was nice of you to help Mike this morning. I know it’s hard for him when the pier is busy.”

“He helped me get a job. I could do ten more days like this morning and still not have repaid him enough. I really like him. He’s got that old guy who knows the ways of the world thing going on. I like talking to him. Especially since my own dad isn’t around anymore.”

“What happened to your dad?”

“Cancer. He was a good guy. Always kept his cool with me, even though I didn’t deserve it most of the time.”

“Were you with him when he died?”

Ledger’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “No, I wasn’t. It’ll be one of those regrets I can never do anything about. I’ve got more than my share of those.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I know what you mean.” It wasn’t a day for molasses, heavy feet and a lead-filled stomach. I wasn’t going to let it get a hold of me today.

I reached forward to turn on the radio but the knob fell off in my hand before Ledger could warn me.

I stared at the knob. “Please tell me I didn’t just break your radio because I’m feeling a little embarrassed right now.”

“Nope, it came standard with the deal.” He picked it up off my palm and shoved it back in place.

“The deal?”

“Yep, five hundred bucks and a handshake with the owner that I wouldn’t try to return it no matter what fell off.”

“You are quite the bargain striker.”

We could hear the disorderly clamor of carnival sounds, people, machinery and music streaming from various sources over the rumble of the truck motor. The top of the Ferris wheel was the first thing we saw as we pulled off the highway.

We drove into the massive unpaved lot that served multi-purpose uses throughout the year, pumpkin patch, holiday tree lot and, like today, event parking. The carnival was set up inside the city park in the area that was designated for soccer and baseball. There was a huge crush of people already filling in the few empty spaces between the rides, games and food stands.

“Jeez, so many people. Not sure where they all come from. The beach isn’t this crowded even at the height of summer, thank goodness. There better be some funnel cakes left.”

We climbed out of the truck. I stared ahead at the blur of colors and activities. “Why is it that when you’re a little kid, these kinds of things—carnivals, parades, amusement parks—all look so grand, like larger than life fantasies that stay with you long after you’ve left.” We stopped outside the gate and watched as the red and white striped arms of the spider ride clanked and creaked to a start. “But as an adult, it all looks pretty darn—”

“Sketchy?” Ledger added.

“I was thinking cheesy, but sketchy works too.”

Ledger stared up at the spider arms as they lifted and swung screaming carnival goers around in a circle. “We don’t have to go in if you don’t want to.”

Two women walked out, each holding a plate filled with whipped cream and funnel cake. The only thing to draw their attention away from the fried treats on their plates was the beautiful man standing next to me. One nearly tripped and lost her entire funnel prize in an attempt to get a better look at Ledger. I covered my mouth to stifle a laugh. She recovered with a blush and then walked merrily along with her plate.

“I’m not turning back now. Remember, I’m walking in with the cutest boy in school, and those funnel cakes are impossible to make at home. Trust me, I’ve tried. Nearly set my whole kitchen on fire.” Without thinking, I took hold of his hand. Our physical contact had been minimal so far, but there was this unspoken thing happening between us, especially with these light teasing touches, that something much more would happen soon. I only hoped I’d be ready for it and not a complete novice. I realized now that I’d never really had a satisfying physical relationship with a man. I’d never truly enjoyed myself during sex. I hoped it would be different with Ledger.

He looked down at our intertwined hands and then tightened his grip even more.

Something deep down told me it would be different, very different.

***

I cheered and clapped as the ball shot straight through the tower of milk bottles, taking them all down in one loud clatter.

The carnie behind the game stand looked a little less excited. “Pick your prize from the top shelf.” He smiled at me from under his straw derby hat. “Looks like you brought the right date today. First big prize I’ve given away.”

I stared up at the line of stuffed animals and tapped my finger against my chin, noticing that it was still sticky from all the sugary treats. “The giraffe,” I said confidently.

Ledger looked at me. “I had you figured all wrong. I took you for a unicorn person.”

“I gave up believing in things like unicorns long ago. Unfortunately.”

The carnie handed me the giraffe. I hugged it to me. “You really do have a good arm. Did you play baseball in high school?”

“Nah, I didn’t have the grades, or the attention, or the discipline I needed to be on a team. I know it was especially hard for my dad to swallow, knowing I had all the talent but couldn’t get my ass in gear to do it.”

A group of women, who were waiting in line for hot dogs, tried their hardest not to stare at Ledger as we walked past. I hugged the giraffe. “See, told you the other girls would look on with envy.”

“Should I win you another one for the other arm?” he asked. A man like him should have had a big head, but I hadn’t seen it yet. And that, along with him helping Mike this morning, were big bonus points.

“Pretty sure they weren’t ogling my stuffed giraffe.” I held the toy out at arm’s length. For a carnival prize it was well crafted and almost looked like a replica of a real giraffe. “Although Newton is extremely handsome.”

“Newton?”

“Yep, just named him. What do you think?”

He inclined his head toward the giraffe. “I don’t mind, but I think he might have an opinion.”

I tucked the toy under my arm again. “My redo is almost complete.” I gazed up at the Ferris wheel and cast a questioning look toward Ledger.

“Ferris wheel it is.” He took hold of my free hand and led me in that direction. We were first in line for the next ride. The woman running the Ferris wheel was kind enough to let me leave Newton with her. We climbed into our bucket and sat down. The wheel moved a few notches for the next seats to be filled.

“No one ever talks about this, and maybe there are just some things better not discussed when it comes to the Ferris wheel, but it seems to me that way more time is spent waiting for the wheel to fill up and unload than in the actual ride.”

“Good point. Guess if it is being discussed, the pro Ferris wheel people are squashing it before it hits the big media.”

Yet another bonus point. The man understood my sense of humor. Somewhere along the line, I was certain I’d run into a flaw, an anti-bonus point, but I had to stop looking for one and enjoy. With any luck, if one did surface, it wouldn’t be a big deal, something easy like a habit of leaving peanut shells on the coffee table or drinking milk right out of the carton.

Ledger stretched out his long legs so that his feet dangled past the edge of the bucket. We rocked back and forth with the movement. I startled and grabbed the edge of the seat.

“Sorry about that.”

“No, it’s not you. I was just reminded of a terrible ride I once had on a Ferris wheel.”

“Since we’re on our way to dangling five hundred feet in the air, you might want to skip that story retell for now.”

A short laugh. “It wasn’t from any dysfunction with the equipment or anything. It was my riding partner.” I wasn’t sure how I’d let my mind slip to James. I was usually better at blocking him out completely. I could feel Ledger looking at the side of my face waiting for me to tell my story. Before I knew it, it rolled out. “I was on this ride with my ex—” I stopped short, nearly with a gasp, when it occurred to me that I hadn’t yet mentioned an ex-husband to Ledger. It was a good thing to get out in the open, in case it mattered. I hoped that it wouldn’t, but I needed to tell him in case things grew more serious.

I turned to face him. There was no look of surprise or anger or disappointment. It was just Ledger, listening with interest. Something he was good at.

“Probably should have told you this earlier, but a while back, I was married.” Our bucket rolled up and then stopped abruptly for the next riders to get on. “It was the biggest mistake of my life. That horrible carnival ride was just one of many incidents that should have been red flags for me not to marry him. That day, he was pissed at me about something, can’t even remember what. He got jealous easily, and if he thought I was too friendly with another guy, he’d fly into a rage. We got on the ride and were on the way up. He started rocking the bucket back and forth just to scare me. At first I laughed, a scared laugh, like the kind you get when you’re walking through a Halloween haunted house. But he kept going. And he was a big guy. I could hear all the nuts and bolts squeaking as if they might give way. I pleaded with him to stop but he ignored me. By the time we reached the top, I was crying hysterically, begging him to stop. But he kept it up, completely amused at how terrified I’d become. He was always wrong for me. I just never saw it until it was too late.”