Gramercy Nights (The Argo Press Trilogy Book 1) (41 page)

“Sebastian?” I scream out but there’s no response. Just the echo of an empty apartment and the slapping of my bare feet against the floor as I search for him. I check the bedroom but it’s empty, as is the living room and when I glance back at the guest room, I see Elodie standing in the middle of the room, a look of confusion on her face, before I turn and fly up the spiral staircase to the roof garden.

A blast of cold air hits me, threatening to knock me off my feet. I hug the thin silk to my body, but it does nothing to stop the cold from sinking deep into my bones.

“Sebastian?”

Wind rustles through the dried leaves still clinging to the branches. I stumble through the darkness, trying to find him, knowing he’s here, that he must be here.

He wouldn’t have just left. He couldn’t have left.

I find him pacing between the rose bushes at the far end of the garden, a dark shadow among darker shadows and I come to a stop, suddenly afraid.

“Sebastian?” I whisper, my voice almost swallowed up by the wind whipping through the branches.

Sebastian stops pacing but he doesn’t turn and I take a step forward, reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder and he flinches away.

“What’s wrong?” Not once has he ever moved away from my touch. This can’t be happening. “Sebastian?”

“This was a mistake,” he says, his voice tight and cold and I find myself stepping back as if slapped.

“What are you talking about?” I want to touch him but something about his guarded posture, the way he holds himself apart from me tells me that’s that last thing he wants.

I catch a whiff of Elodie’s spicy perfume on my skin and I pull my dress closer, trying to stop my teeth from chattering.

He finally turns around and his eyes are wild and unfocused. “Go back downstairs, Danielle,” he says softly.

“No.”

“No?”

“What the hell is wrong?” I practically shout. I’m scared. He’s scaring me. I’ve never seen him like this. Broken. Dejected. I’d almost rather the angry man who stormed into my apartment all those weeks ago.

“I made a mistake,” he repeats, shoving his hands into his pockets, avoiding my eyes. “Watching you with Elodie…” he trails off before turning away, like he can’t even look at me.

“Why did you invite her?” I ask.

He turns slowly, and I can see the pain and betrayal in his eyes as he looks at me. “You asked me to.” There’s no emotion, just flatness and somehow that’s worse than if he were shouting.

I want to collapse onto the ground, but instead, I just stare at him, at a complete loss.

“I’ll go,” I say finally, turning to leave, wincing as the plug still filling me shifts, making my whole body tremble in spite of me.

“Wait!” Sebastian grabs me roughly by the wrist, spinning me around to face him and I shake him off and cross my arms over my chest to keep my dress from fluttering open. I think he’s furious until his head drops soundlessly to his chest and he says, “I’m a fucking idiot.” He shakes his head sadly, still avoiding my eyes, all the fight draining out of him. “I thought I could do it, thought I wouldn’t care, that seeing Elodie worship your body would be sexy, and it was, at first, but then, I don’t know what happened…” He shudders. “It was a mistake. I should have known better. I never cared in the past. I thought if I saw you with her, I could pretend everything was fine, but it’s not. Watching you with Elodie…What if I’m not enough? What if I can’t give you what you want?”

“Sebastian, what the fuck are you talking about?”

He looks up, his eyes flashing wildly, shoulders slumped in defeat. “I think I’m in love with you.”

I think I’m going to be sick.

I’ve never seen anyone look as miserable as Sebastian looks right now.

Chapter Forty-Two

“For Christ’s sake, Danielle, say something.”

When I open my mouth to respond, no words come out.

He takes a step towards me then stops. “Danielle?”

I can hear the fear in his voice as he says my name and I know I have to say something, have to do something, but I can’t. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening.

“Shit, you’re freezing,” Sebastian exclaims, at last noticing I’m wearing nothing but a flimsy silk dress and my teeth are chattering uncontrollably. He steps towards me, his movements deliberate, and I wonder who’s trying to comfort whom, and then his arms are around me, hands running up and down my arms, trying to warm me, but I’m completely numb, my limbs rubbery and foreign. I know I’m shaking, can feel myself shaking, and I know it’s from the cold but I don’t feel cold.

I don’t feel anything.

Sebastian’s words echo through my head.
I think I’m in love with you
. Those words were supposed to solve everything, but instead, they have ruined everything. The look on his face, terror, misery, fear, wipes away any joy I might have hoped to feel.

“Let’s get you inside,” he says.

“Elodie is still downstairs,” I mumble. I try to imagine what I would have felt if I had to watch Sebastian have sex with another woman and groan, mortified. I’m not surprised he stormed out. I’m only surprised it took him so long.

“Elodie’s a smart girl. She’s probably half-way to her hotel by now. Come on.” He wraps one arm around my waist, leading me towards the door.

Sebastian is right. There’s no sign of Elodie when we return to the apartment and Sebastian’s arm drops from my body and it’s like a kick to my gut. The realization that he doesn’t want to touch me anymore. That he’s disgusted with me. I can smell Elodie’s perfume clinging to my skin, my hair, choking me.

“I need to shower,” I mumble, heading towards the bathroom. Sebastian makes no move to stop me and I glance over my shoulder to take one last look at him and he’s just standing there, shoulders hunched, dwarfed by the magnitude of his living room, his vacant eyes downcast. I’d do anything to be able to wrap my arms around him and assure him that I’m not going anywhere, that it’s just the two of us, but I need to wash Elodie’s perfume off my body before I touch him again. If he’ll even let me. I force myself to walk away, my heart breaking with every step. I turn the water on as hot it will go and strip out of my dress, barely feeling the water as it hits my skin, burning me and I lather myself with soap, trying to replace Elodie’s smell with the smell of Sebastian, his body wash and shampoo, scrubbing my skin furiously until I’m certain not a trace of her remains.

Sebastian is sitting in his office, holding a glass of bourbon as he stares vacantly ahead, and he doesn’t so much as look up when I come in, wrapped in a bathrobe. When I step around his desk, taking the whiskey from his hand, he doesn’t stop me.

“Why did you let it get so far?” I ask gently.

“I didn’t know it would upset me until it was too late,” he admits dejectedly. “You wanted it and I wanted to give it to you.”

I run my hand through his messy hair, trying to sooth it, trying to sooth him. I ache to tell him that I love him, but I don’t. I can’t. Not like this. Instead, I say, “This is going to change things, isn’t it.” It isn’t a question and we both know the answer. I don’t want anything to change, I’d do anything to go back and redo the entire night, but life doesn’t work that way. There’s no magic do over button when you realize you’ve fucked up.

“I suppose it is,” Sebastian admits, sounding no happier than I feel.

“Do you want me to leave?” I feel Sebastian’s body stiffen beneath me, but he’s quiet, thinking, and I wish I could see his eyes, see what he’s thinking, but he’s pointedly looking away.

He sighs again. “No.”

“Do you want me to stay?” We both know it isn’t the same thing.

He nods.

“Well, this wasn’t how either of us thought tonight would go,” I say, forcing a laugh, trying to lighten the mood. Neither of us have mentioned Sebastian’s declaration up on the roof or my silent lack of response. I know I love this complicated, difficult, wonderful man, but I can’t tell him that. Not tonight. Not when he’ll think I’m only saying it to placate him. Not when it could be swallowed up in the misery he so clearly feels.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” I squint at him. I’m the one who should be apologizing, and he looks up at me, smiling sadly.

“Tonight was supposed to be my gift to you. I wanted to make one of your dreams come true. You trusted me and look what I’ve done. I’ve ruined it.”

I stroke his cheek lovingly. “You do make my dreams come true. I should have known tonight was a mistake. I’m the one who should be sorry.”

“How could you possibly have known when I didn’t even realize until I saw you the way you responded to her?”

“Because I know how I’d feel seeing you with someone else. Just the idea makes me sick to my stomach.” I kiss his cheek. “And you actually watched…” I trail off and Sebastian shifts beneath me, his arms coming around my waist.

“About what I said before,” he starts but I cut him off with a finger pressed gently to his lips.

“Don’t. It’s okay.”

He nods, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh of relief. I don’t know if I’m more afraid that he’ll take it back or that he’ll say it again, but tonight, I don’t want any more words. I want Sebastian, his body, to feel him here next to me, to feel with our bodies what we can’t say with words. I swing around, straddling him, my robe falling open and I can see the need in his eyes as he takes me in, his gaze roving over my naked breasts before coming to stop at my face.

“Promise me it’s just you and me. I can’t do this again.” The desperation in his voice breaks my heart all over again.

“It’s just us. I promise. Just the two of us.”

He kisses me fervently, his lips bruising mine, all the hurt and desperation manifesting in an intensity that’s breathtaking. Lips never leaving mine, he pushes the robe from my shoulders, baring me to him and I scoot back, knowing Sebastian will never let me fall, and begin unbuttoning his shirt, desperate to feel his skin against mine, to see the strength of his muscular body and he growls fiercely in response, making me know I’m not alone in needing this. He lifts me easily, placing me on the edge of the desk so he can free himself of the confines of his pants and I suck in a breath at the sight of him, hard and proud against his flat abs.

I lower myself onto him, feeling him fill me to the hilt and I begin to move my hips slowly. He throws his head back, eyes clenched shut.

“Look at me,” I whisper and his eyes flash open and I almost lose myself in the whirl of uncontrolled emotion I see there.

He brushes a hand roughly over my clit, making me gasp. “Mine,” he growls, and I nod. Yes.

“I’m all yours.” And those words are his undoing and he grabs me by the hips, pumping into me and I meet him, every thrust, every desperate moan, our eyes locked, until we both come undone.

Chapter Forty-Three

I wake to the most beautiful sight in the world: Sebastian, asleep on his stomach, one arm tucked under his head, the sheets pushed down to expose the tightly coiled muscles of his back. I want to run my tongue down his spine, want to taste the salt on his skin, but I don’t. After last night, he deserves the sleep.

I brush my lips against his shoulder before slipping out of bed.

Everything is different. Everything has changed in a night. I wish we could go back and undo everything, that we could go back to the way we were. I don’t think either of us is ready for this to be more than it was. I don’t know what demons propelled Sebastian to create these arrangements with women, but they are the actions of a man not looking to settle down. The actions of a man afraid of being hurt.

And last night, I hurt him. I didn’t mean to, but I did. Neither of us knew what would happen and we took a step too far.

I make myself some coffee and contemplate the situation. Last night, in his office, he still wanted me. Still wanted us. But today, in the stark light of day, will he feel the same? Or will my night with Elodie have ruined everything?

I can’t begin to imagine how he feels. Guilt. Shame. Fear. I know he did it for me. He’s upset with himself. For offering me something he wasn’t free to give.

I want to ease those fears, only I don’t know how. Because I’m scared. I don’t want to lose him and maybe I didn’t realize the depths of my feelings until last night, when I thought I had.

The way he looked at me on the roof…if I lost him, I’d break. Somehow, he’s become my whole life and the idea of losing him is enough to make skin prickle with fear. I just wish I knew what to do.

I’m drinking my forth cup of coffee when Sebastian emerges, gloriously naked. His hair is sleep mussed and he covers his mouth as he yawns. I’m expecting trepidation when he looks at me but all I see is affection and warmth.

“I didn’t like waking up alone,” he says with a pout. “Cruel woman.”

I smile, relief washing over me. I can still see the shadow of doubt in his eyes, the unwelcomed vulnerability in his eyes and I want to return him to the powerful man I fell in love with, the one always in control.

“You’re quite right. That was very, very bad of me,” I say, eyes wide and unblinking. “I should probably be punished.”