Gone (24 page)

“You alright, Joshy?” Faye crinkles her eyebrows a little as she watches me hesitate on the sand.

“Yeah, sure, whatever.”

My feet walk along the warm sand towards the rock, and I watch as Bex’s shoulders stiffen as she spies our shadows stretch out on the sand beneath her.

“Hey,” I greet. My hand automatically stretches out to graze my fingertips along the sun warmed skin of her shoulder. 

“Hey.”
She doesn’t take her eyes off the surf so Faye leans forward and shoves her face right into Bex’s.

“Hey, Rebecca, fancy a swim with Josh and I?” Faye asks.

Almost in slow motion Bex turns her gaze on us and I feel my mouth drop open. It’s Bex alright but not the girl I wrapped my arms tight around all night. This is the Bex I first saw stomping on the beach and along the high street. The make-up is back, as are the boots and the attitude.

I know Faye is standing right next to us but it feels in an instant like she has faded away and it is just Bex and I. The entire rest of the universe has dissolved around us.

“That make-up is going to run.” I state.

“Pardon?” Bex looks me up and down, and the ambers instead of looking like warm honey I want to swim in, are rock hard and unflinching.

It makes me want to fight her. It makes me want to get right into her space and lay my hands flat on her skin. It makes me want to move my body until her skin is meshed with mine and I can own her lips and make her knees give way with the intensity of just how much I want to do everything to her. All of it, everything, now.

“I said your make up is going to run in the water,” I cast my eyes down at her boots. “I hope that they are waterproof.” I incline my head towards her inappropriate footwear and wait for her reaction.

Bex grinds her boot into the sand, her fingers gripping the rock. Her shoulders are high and I can see the rise and fall of her chest through the transparent gauze of her shirt.

“It would be unchivalrous for you to dump me in the sea again,” she states, her eyes not making contact with mine.

“Yes, and we know I am all about being gentlemanly.” I take a step toward her so my bare leg is pushed up against her thigh, then I lower myself down and kneel on the sand in front of her.  “Look at me.” I place one hand on her knee sliding it ever so slightly up the smooth curve of her leg.

She does not react she just stares over my shoulder, her eyes still intent on the waves.

“Look at me,” I say again.

Bex slowly shifts her gaze to mine and for a moment we are both rock still. The liquid amber is back and I can feel it seep into my being.

“What’s wrong?” My voice is lowering of its own accord.

“Nothing.”

“Liar.”

To this Bex just shrugs offhandedly. 

“Is this because of last night?”

“No.” But her eyes dart over my face quickly and now I know she is lying.

“Is it because I was gone this morning?”

“No.”

“Is it because I am here with Faye.”

“No.” More forceful this time.

“What is it then?” I settle back onto my heels and clasp my hands over my knees waiting for her to say something, anything.

Finally after an age she reaches a hand forward and slides one of my dreads back over my shoulder, her fingers lingering just momentarily. “It’s because you make me want to be someone I’m not.”

I allow the breath I have been holding to exhale out of my mouth. “I don’t want you to be anyone other than who you are.” And this is the truth. Secrets out, worst bits whispered into my ear, I still only want her to be herself.

Bex leans forward and slides a finger along my jaw. “You make me want to be the sort of girl who can stay in a town like this, but I know I’m not, and you know I’m not.”

I laugh a little, I don’t mean to, it just escapes before I can hold it in. “Why you being so serious, for God’s sake, Bex just stay and have a surf with us then we can go and grab some breakfast or something?”

At the word “Us” Bex’s eyes flick over to Faye who is hovering nearby pretending not to listen.

“Forgive me, Josh, but I don’t really want to spend the morning hanging with you and your ex-girlfriend.” Her words make Faye’s head spin around. “And, Josh, I don’t think we should see each other again for the next few days. It’s just, it’s just, making everything too, complicated.” With her words she is up off the rock and striding her way back to the car park. I watch her long legs the whole way willing myself to chase after her.

I want to chase after her, but her words are echoing in my head,
“Complicated.”
The irony is apparent to me at once. Bex, who has complicated my life and woken me up with her meddling, stomping attitude and fiery resistance thinks I have complicated her life too much. Instead of chasing my toes dip further into the sand.

“You need to tell her the truth, Josh.”

I turn and examine Faye who’s watching me closely. “I think telling her the truth will be the very worst thing I could do.”

“You’re going to lose her if you don’t.”

I scrutinize Faye, trying to read her expression. “What am I supposed to say?” I throw my hands up in the air with my words, like some profound answer to the problem I face may fall into my open arms.

“Just the simple truth.”

A flash of hot anger courses through me. “What, like my girlfriend is dead and it’s all my fault?”

The moment the words are out I have an enormous wave of emotion wash over me. Stronger than the waves in the sea, it nearly knocks me off my feet. I can just about register Faye’s gasp at my outburst but only just because the rest of my hearing is dominated by a loud pounding in my ears.

“I’m sorry.” I say.

Faye takes a step towards me and links her fingers through mine. Normally I would pull away from her touch, but today I don’t. I stand there ready to face anything she wants to dish at me.

“I’ve been waiting six months, two weeks and four days for you to say that.”

I said it.

I allow a deep breath fill my lungs and then push it back out into the salty air.

“My girlfriend is dead and it’s all my fault.”

Faye takes another step in and slides her hands around my waist.

“Josh, it’s not your fault.”

“Whatever.”

My heart is squeezing and my throat tightening. I’m not going to allow the emotion to take over.

“Josh. Look at me.”

I lower my glance to hers.

“I don’t think she is your girlfriend anymore. Bex is.”

I shake my head vehemently at her words. “No.”

“I bet you’ve wanted to tell Bex you are in love with her, that’s who you are. You love with all of your being. It’s your biggest gift.”

“No.”

“It’s true, Josh.”

“I’ve only known her a week, don’t be crazy.”

“Well maybe love is crazy.”

I glare down at her. “Don’t use that word.”

Faye pulls away a little. “Fine. Don’t use that word, whatever.” She mimics my earlier shrug. “But now you’re talking about it, you need to talk to
her
about it.”

“What about you?”

“Josh you need to say goodbye.”

“What if I can’t?”

“Well, then you’re going to lose Bex as well.”

I look into her deep dark eyes and think over her words. “Faye.” I slide her hair behind her ear, the most familiar motion. “I lost her the day she walked into town.” And with my words I can’t stop my eyes from following the trail Bex left indented in the sand.

Rebecca

The Burn

As I walk along the sand I feel the burn that I am so familiar with. Anger, anxiety and destruction lick flames along my insides. I am angry with myself. I can feel anxiety edging up my throat and the need to destruct everything around me that ties the whole package together.

I am destruction, it’s what I do.

I destroy the things I want and the people I love.

Fists clenched I walk to the car park and glance about. There is no one here, so I come to a halt and allow my hitched ragged breathing to come under control. I hate myself even more because I know that the reason I have stopped in the car park is to see if Joshua comes after me. He doesn’t. Turning my head slightly I look back at the beach. He is pushing his board out into the sea, the sun glinting off his shoulders, with Faye at his side. The bile rises again and I start my march home. There isn’t anywhere else to go, I don’t know anyone here, I have no friends here, and I know that as angry as I am I can’t open the door to the destructive path I took the other night with the vodka. Home and the naughty corner in the attic is the only option I have.

It’s okay. It’s just six days to go and then I can leave this new nightmare of my life behind and go find another one.

The whole way home I can’t get the image of Joshua’s shocked face when I said he
complicated
things for me. It was both alarmed and hurt.

I am destruction.

The cottage is deserted. I call out but no one answers so I quickly take the stairs two at a time and enter the room that annoyingly is starting to feel more like home.

I glance at the brilliant white walls and it makes the acid of anxiety rise again.

I wish I painted because then I could do them myself. I don’t even have any paints. . . I don’t have paints. . .  but I do have rather a lot of make-up. I march with a new determination and glance in my box of tricks there is only one colour I want to find. Silver. Silver like the moon reflected on the sea. I find one of my dark eye shadow sets and dip my finger onto the silky powder before starting to apply it to the wall in a small circular motion.

All the silver is gone and I have created a
reasonable sized moon, when I hear a voice from the direction of the window.

“What are you doing?” The tone is part amused part bemused.

“Decorating.”

“With eye shadow.”

“Yep.”

“What is it?”

“The moon.”

“I thought it was a dinner plate.”

“Sod off.”

I don
’t turn around but continue to dab silver sparkles on the wall as I wait for his reply. When none comes and I can’t feel him move next to me I finally spin on the spot and see that he is not there, which makes me wonder if he was ever there in the first place.

I dig deep through my supply of eye shadow until I find another silver that almost matches. I start my circle creating exercise again and have doubled the moon to almost twice the size when I hear his feet land on the floorboards and feel him move alongside me. I don
’t want to look at him, I don’t want to see any judgement in his eyes at my words on the beach.
Complicated.

“Try this?” Josh hands me a metallic tube. I take it from his fingers taking extra care not to touch his skin and unscrew the cap. It’s a perfect silver with an iridescent sheen.

“Thanks.”
And I am sorry.

“So what you planning on painting?”

“The moon and the sea.”

“I was going to paint the sun and sand.”

I can’t help myself. I lift my eyes to look at him and find him staring at my eye shadow moon, “Maybe we could make them meet somehow,” he finally says. His fingers link through mine and slowly he turns me around and I find his gaze on my face. “I’m sorry if I complicate things for you, Bex.” I feel a stab in my stomach at the tone lacing his voice. “I never wanted to make things harder for you.”

I look him all over. Fresh from the shower, his T-shirt is still damp from where he must have pulled it straight on his wet skin. The thought makes that low stab in the pit of my stomach flare, and my legs get that unique heaviness I’ve only ever had with him. 

He looks to earnest and trustworthy. All the things I desperately want.

I breathe a slow breath out my nose. “I’m sorry, Joshua. It wasn’t really what I meant to say, it’s just, when I am with you I forget who I am, and I guess I like it a little bit too much.”
I like it far too much.

Joshua breathes in sharply and then using my hand still linked in his he moves me towards him. His free hand comes up and slides into my hair, entwining and pulling on the strands as he lowers his mouth to mine. I don’t know what kiss I am expecting, something discreet and safe after the nasty words I have thrown at him today but instead it is hot and hungry and it makes my stomach clench and the burning sensation get stronger. With a kiss like that it is hard to remember who I am or even where I am. His hands fall to my waist and he lifts me up. I wrap my legs tight around him and he walks me back against the wall I have been trying to decorate using cosmetics. 

I tug on his dreads, and let them fall through my fingers as I lower my hands to his firm shoulders, sliding them down along his back as he pushes me further into the wall pinning me in place with his body.