Gone (19 page)

“Then I think we need to redefine exactly what the bases are.” My voice has taken on that unique low tone I only get with her.

“So what base is this?” The ambers are still intense and I am more than aware of the location of my knee.

“One and a half.”

This makes her laugh and wiggle her arms free from my grasp. “Come on, a girl could die of thirst around here.”

Unwillingly I peel my body away from hers and catch hold of her hand in mine. I think I had better make my drink slightly stronger than a cider and combine it with a cold shower. A very cold shower.

Bex can
’t drink cider. She’s had two pints and her face is glowing bright red. We caused a stir when we walked in with our fingers linked tightly together but now we are old news and everyone is leaving us in peace at the corner table.

Unfortunately I can hear Dan before I see him. Bex who is sat facing the pub stiffens automatically.

“Josh, there you are, buddy.” Dan grabs a spare chair and moves it to our table. “We are going to Newquay in a bit, why don’t you two love birds come along. Faye’s coming, Josh, she’s probably missing you, she hasn’t seen you in days!” Bex stiffens again, and I notice that Dan is watching her reactions closely. He turns his attention to her. “Ah, so Josh hasn’t told you about Faye, and their weird friendship they have maintained over the years.”

I glare at Dan over the table. I have nothing to hide, well not really but I am beginning to understand how Bex reacts to challenging situations and I could do without being puked on again anytime soon.

“He’s told me enough,” she says.

“Are you getting a drink and joining us, or passing by?” I can’t keep my annoyance out of my voice. We have been sitting here having an amazing time flirting over our pints, and now Dodgy Dan is going to ruin it.

“Well if you are offering, mate, I won’t say no.”

I wait for him to make a move but he doesn’t so reluctantly I get up from the table and head to the bar.

I try and make small talk with the guy next to me at the bar as I order Dan a pint but it’s a bit tricky because I have one ear trying to listen in to Bex and Dan at the table. I can’t hear a damn word they are saying because the crazy old guy with the dog won’t stop twittering on at me.

Pint purchased I walk back over and can see instantly that Bex looks on the edge of either angry or upset.

“Josh, I was just saying you guys should come out tomorrow night so Bex here can meet everyone.” Dan says.

“
Rebecca.”

“
Rebecca.” He nods his head in assent at her and I really dislike the way her name sounds coming out of his mouth.

“We can’t tomorrow we are going on a road trip.”

“Where are you going, maybe we will all come.”

“We are leaving at six,” I let my words sink in. “Still want to come?”

“Fuck that.” He downs half of his drink.

“I thought so.”

“Night after then?” He suggests draining the end of his glass. Dan can sink a pint in a clear four minutes. It’s what makes me sure he is part animal.

“Sure,” I agree. Although I have no plans to see it through. I have a week le
ft with Bex, I am not going to waste it watching my friends get trashed while trying to shag strangers.

“
Good chap.” Clapping me in the shoulder he starts to get up from his chair but not before turning and placing his hand on Bex’s arm. “Remember what I said.” Leaving his words hanging there he chuckles to himself and heads for the door shouting goodbye to the pub as he goes. One of these days I am just gonna have to tell him to fuck off. I don’t care how long we’ve been friends.

The moment he has gone a deathly silence settles over our table. Bex is watching me but she does not seem the same as earlier. She is radiating the Bex I met on the first day, not the girl I was at the beach with just a couple of hours ago.

“What did he say?”

And yes I will kill him for it, whatever it is.

“Nothing, Joshua, don’t worry.”

“What did he say, Bex ? Otherwise I am going after him myself.”

She sighs a little and leans back in her chair with an air of resignation. “He said,” she takes another breath. “He said that I shouldn’t feel offended that you haven’t had sex with me yet, because you don’t shag holiday makers unless desperate, and that you are still in love with someone else.”

Well that was worse than I thought.

But she is not done. “He also said, that next time I’m in town I should hook up with him, because he is guaranteed to give me a good time.” Bex displays no expression at all and just takes another deep sip of her drink.

I, on the other hand, can feel a bubble of rage build up inside me. I try and lock it down before it erupts.

I don’t know what to say apart from ‘Sorry my oldest friend is a complete pig and doesn’t know how to treat women right,’ and I don’t think that really covers it.

Choosing silence instead I watch as she takes another sip of her cider before saying, “It’s okay, Josh, I’m kind of used to it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for some reason, that is how guys see me, it always happens.”

“What do you mean for some reason?”

Bex lets out a sarcastic laugh. “The truth is, that I have never technically had sex with anyone.” She says this very loud and the pub automatically stop talking to listen. “So if you discount the odd sexual favour I’ve given I’m technically quite innocent.” Deathly silence permeates around the room, which she fills again with the sound of her own voice. “Don’t get me wrong, I might be known for blowjobs in back alleys that kind of thing, but not technically sex. Actually, Josh, if you are interested I can meet you out back and sort you out right now.”

Fuck.

The girl made of the sun glares at me, her entire body rigid as she battles whatever it is she has on the inside. Her colour has heightened another notch of red and this time I don’t think it is the cider making her flush. Before I can say anything in response she scrapes her chair away from the table across the bare floor boards and stalks out of the pub. Without hesitating I chase straight after her into the cool night air. She hasn’t gone far and is stood on the corner of the lane. She must be working out where to go. Reaching for one of her hands I turn her to face me.

“Can I show you something?” I ask.

“No.”

“Bex, two minutes, and then you can decide whether to strop off again and waste whatever limited time we have together.” My words make her hesitate. She swings around glaring at me with her frown back on her face.

“Two minutes.”

Keeping her fingers in mine I lead her down the lane towards the high street heading for my studio. Walking through the door a heavy silence settles between us and slowly I take the stairs with her one step behind. At the top I don’t bother turning on the light. I walk her instead to the large room that just holds the one canvas. I haven’t touched it since the other day when I darkened all the gold. The moon is shining through the sky light and it makes the gold of her skin in the painting turn to bronze.

“This is all I see when I look at you. You are neither one thing nor the other. Not dark or light. You are just you.” I try and stop myself from saying anything else but the words, “Only you,” fall out of my mouth before I reign them in.

Bex stands and stares at the painting her shoulders still set and determined. Leaning towards her I place my lips against the back of her neck, inhaling the sweet scent of vanilla mixed with a lingering hint of the sea.

“You know,” she says, her voice small. “I used to be quite a good girl.” She stops speaking and I edge around to face her. Tears are sliding down her face. Reaching a finger I catch one on my fingertip.

“What happened?”

Bex reaches for me, sliding her arms around my waist and pulling me in towards her. “I’m going to tell you but I want to do something first.”

Carefully she kisses me on the lips, her mouth firm and sure as she grips her arms tighter around me so I can’t move away. Then slowly, ever so slowly she lowers herself down until she’s kneeling on the floor right in front of me.
She’s got to be kidding me.

“Don’t move,” she whispers as she starts to untie the knot on my shorts. It’s kind of hard not to move in the circumstances. The moment her fingers start to tug on the tie I feel desire claim me, along with a heavy dose of repulsion at myself.

The tie undone she lowers my shorts until she has revealed the tattoo under the waist band. Fingers graze over the inked skin and I hold my breath at her touch, and then a little more as she leans forward and places her lips against the mark. Gently she flicks her tongue over the compass inked on my skin before leaning back and looking up at me, her eyes shining in the moonlight.

“What does it mean, Josh?”

Slowly I lower myself to the floor so I am kneeling in front of her. Taking her hand I place it firmly on the skin.

“It means that I don’t know where my home is yet.”

The ambers watch me, reading me, assessing me. Eventually she leans in and kisses me, her hand still under the waistband of my shorts. “I wish I could help you find it, Joshua.”

And in that very moment, it is all I wish for too.

SEVEN DAYS TO GO

Bridge Cottage

St Agnes

Cornwall

20th August 2013

Dear E,

I was so close E, so close to being normal just for a few days. Yesterday was the best day ever until some twat had to ruin it by goading me into telling a pub full of locals I was good for a blow job out back should anyone fancy it.

What’s wrong with me?

I know what’s wrong with me? It’s because I know that’s what people see when they look at me and it’s what I believe is there because of that.

Josh managed to reign me back in, bring Cornish Bex to the forefront and quieten London Bex back into her place.

He showed me his tattoo. Do you know what it is? It’s a compass, I asked him what it meant and he said he didn’t know where his home is. That heart-breaking thought helped me fight back to the surface. How sad is it that? A man as beautiful as Josh-u-a doesn’t know where his home is. It echoed inside me that I don’t know where mine is either. It’s not here in this sun filled place with giggling, kissing and tattoos.

It’s somewhere dark with you.

Later when we had crept back into the cottage he told me he was glad that he was going to be my first. As I went to sleep with my arms tight around him I had one thought. That I wish he could be my last.

Miss you as always

B.

xx

Rebecca

Breakfast

“I said the spare room.” Dad marches in, standing with his arms folded over his chest. I am still wrapped tight in Joshua’s arms where I have been the whole night without moving. The good thing is that we have our clothes on. The bad bit is that I still have my hand over Joshua’s tattoo, which effectively means my hand is down his pants.

Joshua struggles to sit up, pushing his dreads back out of his eyes. “Mr. Walters, I am so very sorry. I … fell asleep.”

Dad wets himself laughing. “It’s half six you were supposed to go half an hour ago.” And with that he leaves the room.

“He didn’t say I was grounded.” I lean my face closer to his and skim my nose along his jaw.

“He didn’t say I was banned.” Butterfly kisses land on my cheek.

“He─” Joshua cuts
my words off with his mouth and I laugh against his lips. And then. Well then I nearly tell him I love him.

I don
’t. I perform a ninja roll off the bed and stand on the floor, my feet firmly planted on the honey coloured floor boards.

“Are we going?” says Joshua.

“Shower?”

“Together?”

“In your dreams.”

Joshua catches hold of me, firm strong arms around my waist. “
I don’t have to dream, I am with you.”

“Who knew dreadlocked surfers were such romantics.”

Chuckling against my skin, his teeth nibble my neck as his nose skims along my jawline. “Oh, Bex?”

“Yep?” I am ever so slightly breathless.

“Don’t forget you have some stuff to tell me today.”

Well I am going to try and forget.

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s rock and roll. I am sure we can wash in the sea later!”

“Clothes on or off?”

“What would you prefer?”

Joshua sends me one of his cheek splitting grins along with a wink that makes me momentarily forget whatever it was I was doing.

Oh yes getting dressed.

“I’ll pack my soap.” I swing for the door before he has a chance to come back with another quick fire reply.

Downstairs I head into the kitchen. I am not overly excited to face my dad, but the sensible part of my brain knows that I am legally an adult, and I am sure if I managed to act like one every once in a while things in the home roost may not be that bad – all of the time.