Gone (25 page)

“Now do I have your attention?” He breaks his lips away to ask. His green eyes are burning in my direction and I am trapped to the spot.

“That would be a yes.”

“Good. Now, Rebecca Walters, I know you are leaving, I understand why you want to leave and I will never, no matter how much I may want to, ask you to stay. But, I won’t stand for the not seeing each other talk, that’s just not viable. Okay?”

My mouth has gone very dry and my tongue does not seem to be cooperating. “Okay.”

“Okay, so we are going to paint your room. We are going to do a lot more of this,” with his words he grinds himself into me further still, “Tomorrow we are going to spend time with Faye, who by the way could not be further from my ex-girlfriend if she tried, and then maybe the day after that we will go out to Newquay for some fun, and then finally in six day’s time I will watch you get on that train back to London and ultimately know that you have given me the best two weeks holiday I’ve ever had. One of the flaws of living in a seaside town is that holidays don’t happen to us.”

This is probably the most Joshua has said in one breath before and the intensity of his green gaze settles deep inside me making my stomach knot uncomfortably.

“Okay.” I start to smile.

“Okay. So no more stropping about, because quite frankly it just makes me want to spank you.”

“Now if you’d said earlier about spanking.”
I don’t get to finish because he crushes his lips back down to mine, his hands firmly grasping my thighs.

“Time for painting?” He moves his mouth fractionally to speak but I can still feel his warm breath mingling with mine.

“I’m kind of enjoying this.” I kiss him back just to prove how much.

“We’ve got all night.”  His voice is noticeably lower and I bite my bottom lip in response which makes him groan slightly before kissing me again.

“All night?” I say against his mouth.

“All night.”

FIVE DAYS TO GO

Bridge Cottage

St Agnes

Cornwall

22nd August 2013

Dear E

I feel like I am torn in two. I’m a girl split straight down the middle. Half of me knows I still have to leave. I need to leave. I’m still sure that people here will soon find out about you, and once that comes out it will all begin again.

I need to remember Emily and the fact that I don’t want that to happen again.

But, the other half of me wants to stay. I want to be the girl who can stay in a town like this and have a guy like Josh-u-a as a boyfriend. But I am not a girl like that am I? I want to be the girl who can have conversations with her parents and decorate her room with them.

I want to be the girl who isn’t scared to commit, isn’t scared to show someone the gentle side that wants to trust. I want to be the girl who holds hands walking down the street, who gets kissed goodnight, the girl who gets to make love.

Do you think I could be that girl? Or should I keep running? Part of me wants to stay and hold my head up high. Yeah I’ve made mistakes but they are not all I am.

I wonder what Josh-u-a would say if he knew about you? Would he understand? Or would that be it? Would it be a final goodbye for me and him?

Do you remember when I said I never understood the big thing about sex? Surely sex was just that. A random act between two people. Every time he is near me now I want to find out. I want him to show me what it is about.

I wish I could talk to you.

Miss you as always

B.

xx

Rebecca

Breakfast

“They know,” I screech and crash through the door. Joshua is sitting up in bed grinning.

“It was the sanding wasn’t it.”

“I told you that was a bad idea.” And I did. Repeatedly. Joshua decided that he wanted to sand down the back of the bedroom door because he wants to have the inside of the door the same iridescent silver as the moon he created over my eye shadow blob. The other side of the door is going to be a golden yellow, “Just like you,” he’d said.

So in a nutshell the door is going to represent the two of us, but on separate sides. Much the same as us – two people who should never really have met and liked each other. Two people who can’t really be together. Two people who can’t stay away from each other despite the fact they are so ridiculously different.

To be honest I’m glad that it was only the DIY that my parents heard during the night. At some point after the decorating and giggling I managed to wrestle Joshua out of the majority of his clothes, and it’s a miracle my eyes did not just burn in their sockets from the sheer beauty that Joshua simply is. I wanted to see the tattoo again but he seemed almost shy when I finally managed to get past his shorts and locate the small item of art work that is constantly playing on my mind. He shivered involuntarily when I placed my lips to it. I was keen to explore further and whilst I could see and feel he was not opposed to it, he showed enormous resources of self-control and lifted my chin with his finger-tips and brought me back up alongside him. I wanted to ask him why he was so shy, especially about the tattoo but then when it was time for my clothes to be removed, which was so ridiculously erotic I nearly combusted. I also got bitten by the reserved bug and dashed under the duvet. It’s silly because I know he has seen me in many states of undress but it feels the closer we get, and the more we know each other, the more I feel I show him when I bare my flesh in front of him.

Last night as I counted off my bangles I had my eyes screwed shut and the atmosphere between us was charged with something I could not name, electricity, desire, respect, need, want. It felt like every emotion I had ever tried to stop myself from feeling was zapping around in the air.

I shake off the thoughts of what could have been last night and clamber back onto the bed. Before I get the chance to settle, Joshua springs forward and pins me down on the mattress.

The greens bore into mine and I can’t move my gaze away. “What?” I ask.

“Thank you.”

“What for?”

“For waking me up.”

“You were awake earlier.”

He gives a low groan. “I’m trying to be romantic. Work with me here, Bex.”

I start to laugh but try to hold it. “Please proceed to be romantic.”

Joshua leans down catching hold of my mouth in a deep kiss which quickly stops me laughing. “Thank you for waking me up. You’ve made me feel like I can breathe, and live again.”

I want to sit up and ask him what he is talking about, but I have a feeling that whatever it is he is trying to say is important. Instinctively I keep myself still, waiting for him to say something.

Joshua just stares at me for the longest moment. “I don’t do goodbyes very well. But, but you are helping me to learn, and that’s the most amazing thing anyone ever did for me.”

I have no idea what to say to that.
What does it even mean?

So I don’t say anything. I just link my fingers around the back of his neck and pull him down towards me.

After a couple of minutes he leans up a frown flickering across his face and he makes a low tutting sound.

“What?”

“You’re wearing pyjamas. That is not the way you left the room a few short minutes ago.”

I giggle “Well. You know, it’s funny but I find walking around family breakfast time practically naked does not work too well.”

Joshua flashes me one of his wide grins and kisses around my lips.

“I think that would work for me.” He lowers his lips and teases a sweet kiss along the edges of my mouth.

“Yep. Mum and Dad offered you a coffee, or tea, that was all.”

“What, not this?” In a quick movement he lowers himself slightly and gently lifts the edge of my pyjama top and traces his deft fingers and his lips along my midriff.

“Nope, I think the invite was for tea and toast.” Although I am liking Joshua’s breakfast plan better. It’s strange, with daylight streaming through the windows, the playful unconcerned side of Joshua’s personality is back in control. Last night his lips were trailing the same pattern as they are now but the intent was entirely different. Last night for the first time in my life I wanted someone to read me, body and soul and still want me.

“Well I guess a slice of toast wouldn’t go amiss.” Joshua raises his head and smiles at me slowly. The last thing I have on my mind is toast, or tea for that matter. “Can I have a shower?” he asks pulling my top down with a disappointing ping.

“Sure, you know where it is.”

With a gracefulness his large, athletically firm frame disguises he moves away from the bed and heads for the bathroom next door. The whole time he is in the shower I can hear him singing tunelessly and it makes me grin. Grin like a stupid thirteen year old suffering her first crush.

With a big sigh I sit up and look in the mirror across the room. That girl is back again, the girl that I don’t recognise, but am beginning to understand might fit into this sea side town with its sleepy atmosphere, surfers who paint, and cars with names.

Then I realise with a shock just what thought I have allowed to creep into my subconscious.

I’ve never fit in anywhere. How can I be sure the girl with the freckles on show and the crazy un-straightened hair and the tendency to giggle and wrestle boys out of their clothes is me at all?

Five days to go.

Joshua

Moving On

My phone rings but I studiously ignore it. I know it is under Bex’s bed which is where it slid to last night after what I will call ‘The Battle of the Board shorts.’ It wasn’t a battle I was that sad to lose but I knew it would make it harder for me to keep up my paper thin self-control. I wanted Bex so bad last night. The whole time she counted off those damn bangles, all fifty-three of them, it felt like it was pouring over me. An intense need to find her, and I know the only way I am ever going to find the real Rebecca Walters is when I make her my own. I don’t think she is ready yet, she is still battling herself and whatever demons she has locked inside. More than that I know I also have to deal with my shit as well. I’ve got to say that goodbye. It’s coming I can feel it. Suddenly the words don’t seem as hard to say as I thought they always would.

I lied to Bex when I said that my time with her was going to be the best two weeks holiday ever and then I would watch her leave.

The truth is that I will watch her leave, but at the same time I will always be watching for her to come back again. Waiting for her to wake me up again. My ear will always be partially tuned to the sound of jingling bangles. Last night after we finished the painting and sanding she was attempting to locate the tattoo on my hip. I felt so self-conscious because I knew that if she asked me where my home was I would ultimately say ‘wherever you are,’ because in truth that is what she is starting to feel to me. I used to think my home lay on a different path, with someone else, but now Bex has arrived and changed the direction I was ever headed in.

“Is that your phone?” She listens to the ring, her head cocked to one side.

“Nope.”

“Yes it is, and more importantly why don’t I have your number?” Her face crinkles into a frown, but I can’t quite tell if it is serious or not.

“I’m not answering it, and you never asked.”

“Shall I answer for you?” Her frown wasn’t real. She flashes me an evil smile and makes a dive towards the bed and my phone. I leap after her snagging it out of her hand first. It could be Dan and I don’t want him talking to her again, ever.

It’s not Dan, it’s so much worse. It’s Aunt May who wants to know when and if I plan to ever enter the shop and serve those annoying people called customers again.

I try not to sound too sulky or distracted as I negotiate some hours with her. Cradling the phone under my ear, I walk over to Bex’s dresser and grab an eyeliner, I then scrawl my number along her mirror. I can see her smiling in the reflection and it makes me smile too.

“This afternoon then?” I confirm to my Aunt before swiftly hanging up and turning to face Bex giving her all of my attention.

I have spent the last couple of hours creating the mural onto the wall. Bex has been telling me where I have missed bits. Emily was up here but she said all the kissing going on was destroying her artistic vision.

“The bad news is I have got to go to work.” I say. Bex tries not to drop her bottom lip but fails and I move towards her and kiss her on it, giving a gentle tug with my teeth which makes her close her eyes and part her mouth beneath mine.

“And the good news?” she eventually pulls away to ask.

“Is that you get to come with me.” I grin. A flicker of something I can’t read crosses her amber gaze but before I can pin it down she turns her head and looks at the wall I have been working on.

“I am worried we may not get this done in five days.” Bex offers a shrug with her words but I notice the slight catch in her tone and it goes hand in hand with the weird tightening sensation filling my chest area.

“We could call in back up?”