Going Long (18 page)

“Fuck you, Reed. Don’t touch
me,” she slurred.

Great. I wonder how many shots
she’d downed when I wasn’t looking.

“Okay, Princess. Time to go,” I
said, climbing completely onto the table now and lifting her high over my
shoulder. She squirmed for a bit, kicking at the light that dangled above. “You
wanna stop that now? I’m not letting you go, and you’re only causing a scene.
And you’re about to bust a light bulb.”

She huffed, and finally went
limp over my shoulder, as I stepped down from the pool table and walked past
Jason, Dylan and Jenny. I paused for a moment and looked Jason right in the
face. “You breathe a word of this to anyone, and I swear to God, Jason…I will
fucking kill you,” I said, no hint of hesitation in my voice at all. I turned
at that, and continued out the door, which Sarah, Becky and Sienna were now
holding for me.

“Thanks,” I said as they
followed me to the Jeep. I dumped Nolan in the passenger seat and forced her to
buckle up, slamming the door on her while she sat there and pouted. “I’m taking
her to my house. Her parents don’t need to see this. Can everyone fit in your
car, Sarah?”

She just nodded and waved me on
my way. I got in the driver’s side and peeled out a little, the energy from
what I’d just witnessed still coursing through me. Nolan was staring out the
window, her chin balanced awkwardly on her hand. I just sighed heavily and kept
on driving.

“Don’t sigh at me,” she said.
She was picking a fight now. I recognized this; we’d done this before. But not
since we were kids. I thought it was better not to engage, but something told
me she wouldn’t let that slide.

“Oh, more silent treatment, huh?
Like when you didn’t call me for six weeks, and I locked myself in a room, and
cried,” she spit the words out angrily, and I winced a little at them. She was
so angry with me, and I couldn’t say I blamed her, knowing what I know now. I
kept my lips sealed, though, knowing any words exchanged between us tonight
didn’t count. Nolan just huffed again, and we drove the rest of the way in
silence.

When I pulled in the driveway to
my dad’s house, Nolan had nodded off and was snoring softly in the passenger’s
seat. When I opened her door, I took her in for a moment. Her lips were
crooked, half smirking, and I thought about kissing them for a second when she
lurched forward and sprayed vomit down my leg.

“Damn it, Noles,” I said lunging
back. She looked up at me and wiped her chin a little and started shaking. She
was crying again. God, I felt like such an asshole
.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, her
hands making their way to her face so she could hide.

I shook my leg a little and
reached over to unbuckle her. “It’s okay; I’ll shower,” I said softly, not
wanting to wake anyone and not wanting to scare her. She was so fragile, and it
was killing me to see her that way. “Come on, I got you.”

I lifted her in my arms, and her
body went limp into me. I carried her up the stairs and into my bedroom. I’d
sleep on the couch tonight. Nolan clearly needed to be near a bathroom. I knew
I made the right decision when she rolled from my bed almost the instant I’d
set her down and stumbled to my bathroom holding an arm across her mouth. She
made it just in time for the entire evening’s booze to escape her body. I’d
never seen anyone throw up so much in my life.

I was just rubbing her back,
pulling her hair into a ponytail when she finally seemed to be done and slid
her body to sit right next to the toilet, her arm and cheek resting on the lip
of the bowl. I stood and leaned back into the wall, away from her, and waited as
her sleepy eyes fought to stay open. I was exhausted from the entire evening,
but I couldn’t take my eyes from her until I knew she was okay. And there was
something in them, some sort of sadness that just wouldn’t go away. It both
captivated and crushed me all at once.

She worked her gaze up my body,
almost as if she lacked the strength, and then finally came to stop right on my
eyes. We stared into each other for several seconds when her lip started to
quiver a little and the tears, the same ones I’d seen in the kitchen, started
to slide down her cheek again.

“I’m so sorry, Reed,” she said,
and at her words I looked down, not able to look her in the eyes knowing that
I’d been so cruel when she never actually slept with Gavin—and knowing
that I almost made a worse mistake with Jenny, just to get back at her. She was
sobbing now, sliding back to the floor, and reaching up for a towel to drape
over her face and body, her hands clutching at it desperately. Her eyes still
settled on me though—
those sad, amazing and beautiful eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Reed,” she
started again, and I tried to hush her, moving forward and making the softest
smile I could, my head shaking
no,
and begging her to stop her worrying.
I just needed her to sleep this off so we could wake up in the morning and
start fixing things.

“I’m so sorry I lost your baby,”
the words escaped her lips, playing out in slow motion while she slid the rest
of the way to the floor and succumbed to the pull of sleep. All air left my
lungs at the sound of her voice. My legs no longer able to hold me up, I slid
slowly down the wall, fingers clawing at it to slow my descent, until I was
finally sitting on the floor, too, just staring at her now closed eyes. Mine
wide with shock, each nerve ending on my body firing with this new information,
and my breath completely stopped. Had I heard her right? Did she say
baby
?

I fumbled through my pocket, and
my phone fell to the floor next to me. I scurried more, trying to hold it in my
shaking hands and, when I’d finally gotten it right, I scrolled until I found
Sarah’s number. I hit
dial,
and waited, still not having blinked since
the words
lost
and
baby
left Nolan’s lips.

“Reed? Are you home? Is she
okay?” Sarah started, but I interrupted.

“When did she lose the baby?” I
asked, no longer questioning what I heard, but just suddenly desperate to know.
I heard Sarah sigh on the other end. “Sar, I need to know. Please…just tell
me.” I swallowed hard, and found my face wet with tears, my voice urgent and
needing.

“I didn’t think you knew,” she
said quietly. “There was no way you could have. It just didn’t make sense.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, my
heart rate picking up a little with panic now as I realized everything my girl
had been through—
alone
.

“Nolan said she called you, said
she left you a message or something, but I couldn’t imagine you not calling her
after that,” Sarah said, my body flattening on itself in an instant at her
explanation.

“Shit!” I said, my hand now
covering my mouth to hold myself together. “The message…fuck!”

I stood to walk into my room and
shut the door to my bathroom slightly to keep Nolan asleep. “Sar, she did. I
completely forgot. I was so pissed. I never listened!” I was manic now, my body
shaking, and my guts twisting.

“Well, you better go listen,”
Sarah said, exasperated and clearly pissed at me.

I hung up without saying bye and
dialed into my voicemail in seconds, only to hear Nolan’s voice telling me
everything:

Hi. It’s me. I guess you know
that, though. I…oh my God, Reed. I’m so sorry. I don’t know how this happened.
I don’t want Gavin. I don’t even like him. He was just there, and we were both
in the wrong place at the wrong time
.

(Sniffle)

I was so drunk. I haven’t done
that before. I was so upset—and he was flirting with me, and I let him
make a pass, and I didn’t stop him, and then it all hit me at once—and I
ran home. Oh God!

(She was crying harder now.)

Reed? There’s so much you don’t
know. I…I was pregnant
.

(The tears were non-stop and her
breath stuttered.)

I found out the night we made
plans to talk about the draft. And then Dylan happened, and then you made plans
to sign, and I was so afraid I would have to drop out of school, and raise a
baby. I thought you wouldn’t want me—or want us. And Tatum had tricked
you with pregnancy in high school, and I remembered how you acted, how
depressed you got. How it ruined EVERYTHING.

(There was a long pause while
she cried harder, her nose running, and her breath hitching.)

I lost it. It was terrible. And
oh my God, the blood. Reed, it was so awful. And it was all my fault…because I
didn’t want it. I didn’t want to trap you. And I felt relief, at first. And
then I just wanted to go back, back to when I was pregnant, so I could tell you
this time. What if I can’t get pregnant? What if that was your only chance to
have a baby? And I was so selfish. I wished it away, Reed!

(She was crying hard again.)

Gavin found me at the gym when I
passed out the day after my…my…miscarriage. I wasn’t dehydrated, at least not
from running. And I had just come back from your house, from seeing Dylan in
your shirt. And Gavin took care of me. And I think part of me thought about
that day when he kissed me. And yes, I kissed him back. But I wasn’t thinking
of him. I promise! Oh God, Reed. Please, please just call me. I can’t lose you,
too!

Those were her last words before
my message cut off. I just sat there stunned, looking at my broken girl lying
on the floor, covered in her own vomit. Her scholarships in jeopardy, her heart
broken, and her faith in me completely rocked…all because I forgot to listen to
a fucking message!
She’d thought she’d lost me, too.
I played it again,
and let the tears fall down my face, blotting them with my fists, trying to
man
up
, but also letting it all fall out of me at once.

When her words finished, I slid
the phone to the corner of the room and crawled on hands and knees to her body.
She was snoring lightly and didn’t flinch when I brushed her long strands of
hair behind her ear. I managed to peel her soaked sweater from her; she only
wrinkled her nose a little at me, but her eyes remained closed. I picked her up
and carried her to my bed where I pulled the boots from her feet and slid her
pants from her legs. I went to my drawer to pull out my softest Coolidge
football T-shirt, her favorite. I slid it over her head and carefully pulled
her arms through the sleeves. She twisted sideways in my bed a little, pulling
down on the shirt out of instinct. I pulled the blanket up her body, leaving
her shoulders exposed so I could stroke them with my fingers for a while.

Finally satisfied that she was
asleep, and staying that way, I kissed my angel’s head and whispered in her
ear. “I’m going to fix this; I promise.” Then quietly, I made my way to the
bathroom for a shower.

Nolan

It took me a few minutes to
figure out where I was. The smell was familiar, the shirt I was
wearing…different, but familiar all the same. My head was throbbing, and my
ears were being hit with a constant drumming. My stomach felt empty, but also
like it had been through a boxing match.
I was destroying myself!

I pushed myself to a sitting
position and cracked my eyes open ever so slightly, confirming my suspicion. I
was in Reed’s bed. I looked around for any sign of him, but he wasn’t there. I
could tell he hadn’t been. I must have been a mess—made quite a scene, I
thought. I remembered most of it, up until he threw me in the Jeep and hauled
my ass home.

I could hear the clanking of
dishes downstairs and the faint sounds of some voices, though I wasn’t sure who
it was. I thought briefly about fashioning Reed’s sheets together so I could
repel out his window, but I didn’t have my car here. I’d need to walk home. And
I was in no condition to go for a stroll through the desert. Knowing I had to
live up to my walk of shame, I worked to find my footing to stand.

It was late morning, maybe 11,
so there was a chance most of the guests had left, and Reed and Trig were
already on their way to campus. My feet were gripping at the carpet by the bed,
and I was puzzling at my lack of pants when there was a light knock at the
door.

“Hey…you awake?” Reed said as he
stuck his head in slowly.

Embarrassed, I just pulled the
covers over my lap and smiled softly.

“Yeah, uh…you sort of barfed all
over your clothes,” he said, chuckling a little and looking down at his feet.

“Oh God!” I thought.

He slid completely in the room,
holding a small bag and a juice, closing the door behind him. “I got you a
muffin,” he said with a half smile, approaching me like I was an injured puppy.
“Oh, and some juice. Thought you might be hungry? Or thirsty?”

I just stared at him, trying to
make sense of his behavior. “Thanks,” I said, my voice a little crackly from
the rough night. I pulled the muffin from the bag, and picked small pieces off
it and ate—not really hungry, but also unsure of what else to do in front
of him; suddenly, everything about me felt raw and on display. I just looked
back up and smiled. “It’s good. Blueberry.”

“Yeah. I know it’s your
favorite,” he said, leaning against his opposite wall. We just stared at each
other while I ate. Finally, he pushed off the wall and looked at his watch.
“Hey, so, I have to get going with Trig. We have light practice today. But you’re
going to the game, right? You’ll be there?”

He seemed intense all of a
sudden, almost worried. Why was it so important to him that I was there now,
after missing so many weeks? I shrugged a little and nodded. “Yeah, I’m going
with Sarah,” I said, my insides sick that there was no way out of this now. I’d
have to go—worse yet, the deep-down part of me really wanted to be there.

“Good,” he nodded once before
coming over to stand right in front of me, my heart speeding up with every step
he took. He put his hand on my shoulder and put his fingers under my chin to
tilt my face up to look at him. He was holding his breath. He was…
nervous?
What
the hell type of paradox had I fallen into? What the hell happened after I got
in that Jeep last night? Then he leaned forward and placed his lips on my
forehead. His soft touch made me shut my eyes to savor it. I also wanted to
cry, something that seemingly happened at the drop of the dime lately. I just
left my eyes shut, while he backed away, opening them to see him smiling at me
again softly. “Okay, well…see you after the game.”

After Reed left the room, I sat
on the bed and picked at the blueberry muffin a little more before attempting
some of my juice. My stomach felt raw, so I didn’t force much down. I had lost
a little weight over the last few weeks, and my clothes weren’t fitting like
they were supposed to. When I realized that I didn’t have any clothes, I
panicked a bit, and stood up to spin around the room to find a solution. My
eyes zeroed in on the neat pile of my clothes from the night before folded on
top of Reed’s dresser. There was a tiny note on it that read
cleaned last
night
.

My heart skipped for a moment,
an unfamiliar feeling in contrast to the gut-wrenching ache I’d been nursing.
Unsure how I’d gotten here, both physically and emotionally, I did what I
always do in these situations—I called the girls. We made plans to meet
up at Becky’s, and Sarah agreed to come pick me up from Reed’s, though I
couldn’t ignore the odd hesitation in her voice.

Once dressed and looking
semi-decent, I cracked open Reed’s door to make my way downstairs, holding my
breath as the kitchen came more into view. My stomach sank when I saw Jason’s
back to me at the kitchen island. I hadn’t had much interaction with him over
the years, but the last 24 hours would hold me for a while. I took in a deep
breath and forced myself the rest of the way down the steps taking comfort that
Sarah would be at the door any minute.

I didn’t make eye contact, only
reached up to the cabinet to grab a coffee mug. But Jason wasn’t going to let
me go without conversation.

“Hey, good morning, sunshine.
Quite a display you put on last night, with your near strip tease,” he joked,
holding his coffee just far enough away from his lips so he could spit out his
biting comment.

I just turned and shrugged, a
bit embarrassed. I wasn’t going to engage. I’d learned one thing from Reed
about his brother over the years—Jason liked to spar. And if you didn’t
put up a fight, he got bored quickly, and moved on. I turned back to the coffee
and started pouring my cup.

“So…kinda awkward way for you to
meet the rebound chick, no?” he said, his words hitting every nerve in my body.
Not wanting to give him the satisfaction, I just let my muscles clench to take
the impact of his fire, hoping it would soon pass, and I could just work out
what he’d said with Sarah, Becky and Sienna.

“He did tell you about Jenny,
right? Dylan’s cousin?” He wasn’t going to let this go. I turned to face him,
the coffee cup to my mouth, masking the grimace on my face. I just shrugged
again, and gave him a lopsided smile, but nodded
no
, honestly. No. I’d
told him the truth, and given him the weapon he desperately wanted to destroy
me with.

“Wowwwwww,” he let it drag out
as he stood to wash his coffee mug, his back now to me. “Well, then, it must
have really sucked to have found out last night. I mean, if he’s going to make
himself feel better, though, might as well be with a girl like that. I don’t
mean it in a crass way. What I meant was she’s so opposite of you. That has to
make it better, right? I mean, if it was someone more like you, you’d feel like
you were just being replaced.”

He just sat there leaning on the
counter again, with a smug-ass grin on his face. I knew Jason was playing me.
It’s what he did. He had some bitter war with Reed ever since Reed started
seeing success in high school, and it had gotten way out of hand. But there was
also always some layer of truth to his shots; he wasn’t a complete sociopath
like Tatum. No, he collected bits and pieces along the way, and saved them up
to use them against his enemies later, when they least expected it.

I heard Sarah pulling into the
driveway, so I grabbed my purse and turned my back to Jason, and his satisfied
fucking grin. Not wanting to let him completely get away with it, I sent one
final shot over my shoulder. “Yeah, well you would know about being replaced,
huh? Must have sucked when Reed filled your spotlight…and never gave it back.”

I walked out the door at my
words and didn’t look back. I’d held it together in front of Jason, but once
out of his view, I felt the life fleeing from my lungs. I was nearly
hyperventilating when I got in the car with Sarah, who was rolling her eyes at
me already, trying to punish me from my actions from the night before.

“Jesus, Noles. Just once I’d
like us to get together without some fucking emotional scars, or wounds, that
need tending to,” she said, sighing as I shut the door, and we drove off. She
felt bad instantly, though, as she always did, and slid her hand over to
squeeze mine. “Sorry, just a little frustrated. I didn’t mean it.”

“I know,” I said, biting at my
lip and readying myself for everything new that I had to fill the girls in on.

We hung out at Becky’s for the
entire day, just lounging and watching old movies. I’d filled the girls in on
how Reed was acting, as well as the accusations and gossip Jason spilled on me
before I left. Becky and Sienna were both hanging on every word I said during
the part about Jason, but Sarah seemed less concerned. When I was done, she
just got up from the couch and slapped her hands on her thighs in front of her.

“Pffft, Jason’s just an ass.
He’s just trying to get to you…and by getting to you, get to Reed,” she said,
turning to go fill her bowl with more chips.

“Yeah, but I did see Reed with
that girl, and they were really close. She was flirty with him, like they knew
each other. And it wouldn’t be the craziest thing that he did something with
someone else while we’re apart…not that we officially broke up, but…shit, well?
I guess we sort of did,” I said, hanging my head down and just searching for
something to fill that raw and empty feeling I had in my gut every time I
thought of Reed.

“Noles,” Sarah said, climbing
over the back of the sofa to join our girls’ circle again. “Listen. I got in
his face a little about her last night, and he swore there was nothing there.
He promised…and I’m pretty good at reading people. He wasn’t lying.”

She just started eating her
chips again and picked up the remote to start the next movie. I slid into the
sofa cushions next to her and pulled my knees up to hug them. “I hope you’re
right,” I said, sighing a little.

“I am,” she said, not even
phased. Her confidence gave me a tiny lift, and I was going to ride that out
for the rest of the night.

The ASU and UofA rival game was
something special. And while I may have been a Sun Devil to the core, when Reed
played, I was on his team—no colors, no sides. Just him. I rode up early
with Sarah, Sienna, Sean and Becky; my parents were planning to come up later.
Buck had gotten them seats next to his, with most of the other boosters. They
were comfortable, and would be out of the sun. Sienna was leaving us to join
the band, which sat near the visiting team’s entrance for the game. Our seats
were in the student section, so for tonight, I would wear red and blue, and
show my support for the only man I’d ever loved.

Buck had a grill set up at the
back of his truck parked near the stadium and was cooking for his alumni friends
when we strolled up. He was starting to get around a little better now, his leg
still in his cast, but he was able to stand propped up on his crutches. Rosie
was with him today. I noticed how she cared for him, and it warmed my heart
seeing Buck get the love and attention he deserved.

“There’s my girl,” Buck said,
reaching out an arm to call me in for a hug.

“Hey, Buck. Good to see you
standing,” I said, hugging him back and reaching up to kiss him on the cheek.
He smiled at my gesture, and it made me feel sad that there might be a day in
the future where this man wouldn’t be a part of my life. Reed left me confused
this morning, and Jason left me feeling even more so. I didn’t know where I
stood, where
we
stood. But for the first time since I’d called him and
poured my heart out with confessions on his voicemail, I wanted to
talk—the real, soul-baring kind of talk. And my heart skipped a little
that Reed might actually want to listen.

“Hate to tell you this, darlin’,
but your school’s going to lose today,” Buck winked at me, bringing me out of
my daydream. Normally, I’d give it right back to him; our longstanding battle
over who was superior among our Arizona schools, a tradition between us. But
today I just had to agree with him, because deep down, I never wanted Reed to
lose.

“I hope you’re right,” I said,
smiling warmly. He understood, and just squeezed me harder.

We fixed our burgers and climbed
into the back of Buck’s truck to eat. We were happily stuffing our
faces—the quiet sounds of chewing, and faint sounds of the band and crowd
in the background, the only other distraction until the rumble of another
engine pulled up next to us. I turned to see who it was and came face to face
with the girl I dreamt about last night. She was blonde, her skin was perfect,
and when she turned to face me, our eyes meeting, she looked at me with clear
recognition. But she wasn’t intimidated or ashamed. She was confident and acted
as if she belonged here. Sarah’s words echoed in my mind, “Nothing’s there,”
and “he wasn’t lying.” I played her words over in my head like a mantra, but my
own self-loathing had me wavering. Hell, truth was, I wasn’t wavering, I was
faltering, falling off a cliff. And when Jenny laughed and slung her hair over
her shoulder—her bronzed shoulders, and blue eyes sparkling in the
sun—I was suddenly transformed into my weaker, younger self, the girl who
was never good enough.  

“Hey, Pops,” I heard Jason shout
to his dad as he climbed out of the truck. I ate my food in silence, just
watching as Dylan and Jenny,
the mystery girl
, climbed out. I felt Sarah
slap at my leg, trying to force me to stop obsessing, and reminding me that she
had already vetted this girl, and had deemed her meaningless to Reed. I wanted
to buy into Sarah’s sales pitch. But everything about Dylan and Jenny was
manicured, and expensive, and perfect. She was gorgeous, even more so than I
ever thought Tatum was. And she was everything I used to think Reed wanted…but
I knew better now.
At least, I thought I did?