Girl (2 page)

Cybil and Richard had a million different names for their band but when they finally played their name was Bed Head. It was at a special matinee show at a bar downtown. And it was scary because Darcy and I had to lie to our parents and take the bus and walk through this bad neighborhood. And the first person we saw was Marjorie but she was with a punk girl and they wouldn't talk to us. And the audience was mostly downtown people and street types and there was a skinhead sleeping in a corner with his head on his knees. And really, there were more people in the bands than in the audience. They were all running around in confusion and everyone was arguing about where they could put their stuff and who was going first and who was going last and who was “headlining.”

Bed Head went first. No one paid attention. Cybil had her skateboarder shoes and her big T-shirt and she kept looking back at Greg, trying to figure out when to sing. And Richard was doing this weird hopping thing while he played his guitar, I guess he was trying to be weird or cool or something. Cybil just stood there. You could see her trembling. She was
so scared she could hardly sing. They played about fifteen minutes and when it was over she was so upset she wouldn't talk to us. And then Richard freaked out because he thought someone stole his favorite sweater but it had just fallen down behind the stage.

Cybil was depressed for weeks after that. It was worse than when she shaved her head because she wouldn't cry, she would just be really cold and not talk to you. And she started sneaking off campus at lunch and skipping last period study hall. Some days I wouldn't see her at all. And it was so weird because it seemed like she was right on the brink of becoming popular at school. I mean, not like truly popular but like everybody was into her shaved head and talking about her but then she totally gave up. But I knew she still talked to Richard on the phone every night so maybe it was a blessing in disguise and she and Richard would fall in love. And then one day Darcy read some of Cybil's song lyrics in her notebook and she thought Cybil was suicidal and she was going to tell Mrs. Schroeder but I told her not to. And then I got in an argument with Darcy because she wanted to have a normal sophomore year and Cybil was getting too weird and Darcy didn't like going to bars. And I said how it
was
really weird and Darcy said she still liked Cybil even though she didn't understand her. And I said me too and we talked for three hours about Cybil and if there was really such a person as Todd Sparrow or if shaving her head was just a cry for help like we learned in suicide awareness.

And then over Christmas vacation Cybil had sex with Richard. She was the first of my friends to have sex. And it was so weird because I always thought when it happened we would talk about it a lot more but Cybil was being so distant we were afraid to ask her. And then Darcy decided to go out with Greg since he was bugging her all the time. They went to
a movie and then for pizza and the next day Darcy said he was totally insane. He thought everyone at school talked about him and he thought he was going to be famous and he was building a recording studio in his basement and he thought all these bands would want to come there to record their albums.

And then Mark Pierce asked me out. He was a senior and on the basketball team and he seemed nice. So I went and we saw a movie and had frozen yogurt at Scamp's and it was pretty fun. And then there was a Christmas party at Julie Cavanaugh's and she let some guys jam in the basement and also Cybil's band except now their name was Thriftstore Apocalypse. They were great even though most of the people didn't even understand. Like Rebecca Farnhurst and her friends were all dressed up and trying to act weird and “alternative,” as if the whole thing was just a joke. And that night I went in Mark Pierce's car and we made out but it was awkward because I didn't really like him that much.

Then in January Darcy got her license and we started going downtown to the city library to study and we met these two boys Derek and Jonathan, who smoked and were into underground bands. And one day we were all sitting outside on the steps and this street guy came over and asked if we had a cigarette. Jonathan gave him one and he stood over us and lit it and you could tell he was on some trip. Like he was going to try to trick us or something. Then he squatted down and started talking to us and that's when I saw how incredible he was. His voice was sort of raspy and soft but he had the clearest, brightest blue eyes I had ever seen. And the sides of his head were shaved and he had beads in his hair and little bells. And he was talking to Jonathan about the band on Jonathan's T-shirt and then he looked at me and Darcy and asked us what kind of music we liked. I was too stunned to talk and Darcy said, “Lots of different kinds.” But her voice was shaking and he could tell
we were scared of him. So he thanked Jonathan for the cigarette and stood up and started walking away. And I looked at Darcy and she looked at me and then she yelled out, “What's your name?” He was wearing a black overcoat and moccasins with no socks and he looked like a dream and he turned toward us and smiled and he was Todd Sparrow.

After I saw Todd Sparrow
something deep inside me began to change. It was not a big change and I didn't shave my head and I didn't really think any differently about my life or Hillside or anything like that. But one glimpse of Todd and you immediately realized how limited you were and all the things you
could
do if you could just break out of your normal existence and stop worrying about what everyone thought. That's probably what happened to Cybil, she felt that freedom and she didn't know what to do with it but she had to do something. So she shaved her head. That was my theory. Cybil wouldn't really discuss it. And we were having frozen yogurt at Sunset Mall one day and I was jabbering about Todd and life beyond the boundaries and Cybil said, “Wait until you get out there. Then you can see how great it is.” Which seemed sort of pretentious. But of course she had spent a whole day with him and shaved her head and what had I done? Not much. So I just ate my yogurt.

·    ·    ·

Meanwhile back at school Greg was getting scarier by the second. After he went out with Darcy she made the mistake of telling everyone about their date and all the things he said. And besides that he was in the chimpanzee phase of his hair growth and he looked pretty ridiculous. And then me and Darcy were standing by my locker and he came over and he was all agitated and trying to say something and finally he spit it out, “Thanks a lot for spreading all those rumors about me!” And then Darcy freaked out and yelled at me because I told her to be nice to him. But it was her own fault because she told everyone how weird he was.

But the real reason for tension between me and Darcy was Mark Pierce. He kept asking me out. And he was a senior and popular and a jock and I guess people were surprised that he liked me. And it was an awkward situation because if you're not that popular, people don't want you to suddenly start going out with popular people because it screws up the social order. And Darcy and I never had dates freshman year and now I was getting some and she was stuck with horrible Greg Halverson, who might be okay to have in your band but not as a boyfriend or even to have publicly following you around.

Dating Mark Pierce. It was so weird. He'd call me on Thursday and ask me if I wanted to do something on Friday and I'd say, “I'd love to,” which was what you were supposed to say. And we'd go to a movie or for pizza and then we'd park someplace and make out which was fine except I knew he was on this schedule in his mind and pretty soon he would want sex. And I didn't really
dislike
him and I wouldn't even mind that much if he was the first one because Cybil and Richard were doing it and Rebecca Farnhurst had done it and Wendy Simpson did it with a boy from Bradley Day School when she was drunk. So Mark would be okay. And it was inevitable anyway. And it didn't seem like you were really part of things until you did it because that's what everything was
about
, like jokes and TV, and even the ends
of extension cords were either male or female and when you plugged them together, what was that? But then I also remembered when Tracy Schwartz did it in junior high and how terrible that turned out. And after the Tracy thing me and my best friend, Carol Mahoney, even made a pact that we would only do it for love, especially the first time. But we were just little kids then, in junior high, and this was real high school now, which was a totally different situation.

And then Thriftstore Apocalypse was going to play at this new all-ages place called Outer Limits. But Darcy was so scared of Greg she wouldn't go. And I couldn't drive. And it was the only time they played since Julie's party and I didn't want to miss it so I called Mark Pierce. The show was in the afternoon and Mark picked me up and you could tell he had trouble figuring out what to wear. He had an old sweater with holes in it that maybe he thought was alternative or grunge or something. And he was nervous and he couldn't find the place and you could tell he never went downtown. And then I saw the Outer Limits sign and I was like, “Turn! Turn!” but he couldn't because he went too far. So we went around the block but he couldn't get back because it was a left turn only. And he was getting so pissed and I felt bad for him and I thought I should have just taken the bus.

When we finally got there Mark paid for me and we went in and another band was playing. There weren't that many people but Cybil was standing by the side and she waved to me and I ran over. And she started telling me about the singer on stage whose name was Nick and their band was called Pax, which meant “peace” in Latin and wasn't that cool? But I was like, what about Richard? She just shrugged. And I didn't want to be a drag so I watched Nick sing and I couldn't see Richard anywhere. And poor Mark Pierce was standing in the middle of the floor looking like a suburban jock in a holey sweater. And Cybil said, “What's Mark Pierce doing
here?” And I said, “He brought me.” And we both looked at him and you could tell how out of place he felt. And Cybil was just in love with this Nick person and swaying back and forth with his music and I watched Nick but he didn't seem that cute to me. He looked weird and sort of deranged.

Poor Mark Pierce. I stood with him while Thriftstore Apocalypse played. And I wanted to dance but he didn't want to but then some other girls did and I danced with them. And then afterward Mark and I sat on the curb outside and these two girls sat next to us and they were checking out Mark and then they lit cigarettes and started gossiping. And they had cool retro dresses and I had on my favorite Gap skirt which wasn't very cool I guess. And then Mark said he didn't think any of the bands were any good. He said he didn't mind if they wanted to be artsy but if they couldn't play their instruments why did they think they could go on stage? He said his friend Scott Haskell could play Scorpions solos and stuff off the radio and he wasn't even in a band. Then he said that the Outer Limits people were pretentious and the girls were stuck up and they thought they were so cool but they were obviously losers.

When the show was over Greg pulled up his station wagon and they loaded their stuff. Then he and Richard came over to us and Richard tried to say hi to Mark Pierce but Mark would only grunt at them. And then I told Richard I had one of their songs in my head and he got so excited. He was so happy. I even sang it a little, not as good as Cybil of course. He was ecstatic. He said that should be their first single. He said they were thinking of making a record and Mark Pierce scoffed and Richard tried to explain how easy it was and then Greg started talking about the studio he was going to build in his basement and everybody rolled their eyes, even Richard.

·    ·    ·

Then Cybil appeared and she wouldn't look at Richard and they all got in Greg's station wagon and drove away. I said to Mark that something was up between Richard and Cybil and he said, “Yeah, they're having sex.” Then we got in Mark's car and drove around the block and got stuck in that same left turn only. Mark got so mad he just drove over the partition and floored it. I felt sorry for him then because he was doing all this for me, wearing the sweater and standing around and getting checked out by snotty girls. So then we went to Scamp's and had frozen yogurt and talked about neutral subjects like people at school and how he scored twenty-four points in a basketball game. Then he told me a long story about when he and Scott Haskell went to the beach and snuck into a blues bar and Scott asked the guy if he could jam but they wouldn't let him and so they got really drunk and made out with some sleazy beach girls.

After that we drove around and parked and made out. Then we talked and Mark said how he thought Cybil was okay and how he defended her to his friends when she shaved her head. And he thought the Outer Limits scene was all right in some ways. He was leading up to asking me for sex but I changed the subject to clothes. I complained that my Gap skirt was too boring but he said I looked really cute in it and how I was the cutest girl at the show. And then he told me how sexy I was and how I had a great body. And then he let down the seat and got on top of me and we made out more intense than ever. And it was so strange because he was Mark Pierce, senior, with a car, and very cute, who millions of girls liked. And I felt like I should like him more and I tried to but it was hard in the dark when he was just this big weight grinding into you.

At school I told Darcy she was stupid not to come to Outer Limits and Greg was no problem and anyway Mark Pierce would protect her. And then after school we went to a thriftstore
in Sherwood Oaks and I looked through the dresses for something like the girls at Outer Limits had. But the dresses were all of gross material and not that cool. I found a couple that seemed okay and we went in the dressing room and I told Darcy about Mark Pierce getting on top of me and if you could have an orgasm from making out. And I was saying how easily I could have had sex with him and didn't she think it was inevitable really, and was it dishonest if you didn't like them that much? Darcy said it wasn't about being honest, it was more about if you're ready or not. And I asked how you know if you're ready and she said, “If your friends are all doing it, then you are.” And she was trying on hats and I was trying on dresses and then we talked about Mark's friend Scott Haskell and if he was Darcy's type and if we should double-date. And I picked out the least ugly dress and as I put my regular clothes back on I watched myself in the mirror and imagined I was in Mark Pierce's bedroom and we had done it and he was asking me to stay but I couldn't because I had a meeting to go to or a flight to catch or something important to do.