Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (9 page)

Even if the service isn’t phenomenal, tip something anyway. Sometimes tips are split among the staff. Take all into consideration.

What was once a sign of gratitude has become an expectation. If you’re on the receiving end of the tip, show appreciation. Tips should be earned, not expected. Don’t catch an attitude for receiving less than you feel you deserve. Work diligently in all you do–if not for tips, for your character. Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart to honor the One who created you.

NOTE:
Special care must be taken to ensure that your well-meaning gesture isn’t seen as insulting. I once enjoyed a glass of wine in Milan, Italy. The pizza was like sex. I attempted to leave my server a tip, but she profusely refused. Tipping isn’t suggested in particular cultures. Do your homework. Know what’s customary wherever you travel. Observe the locals, and follow their lead.

Laughing Etiquette:
Doesn’t this just sound ridiculous. Traditionally, a Lady is taught to place two fingers over her closed mouth while she laughs. But laughing is a purge of your soul. It’s an uncontrollable symbol of happiness that can’t be contained by two dainty fingers. Go ahead and laugh. Let your soul breathe. To laugh is to live. Do, however, try your best to refrain from falling out, snorting and causing a scene, but if you do, so what. You’re still a gentlewoman!

Text Etiquette:
Most women like it orally
.
The best way to misunderstand someone is through text messaging because the greatest miscommunication occurs over keyboards. Not to mention, smartphone autocorrect is dumb. Texting is a simplified method of communication intended for short phrases and quick communication. If your text message reads like a novel, pick up the phone and call.

The long-term effects of texting are yet to be determined, but the short-term effects are ever-present. A generation of texters is becoming accustomed to impersonal communication. The ramifications are seen in a lack of social skills–no eye contact, lack of discussion topics and the inability to connect.

It’s far too obvious to state that texting while driving is dangerous, but what about texting while dating? Society seems satisfied with quick and convenient conversations. Relationships are a state of connectedness between people. Remember when the two of you would fight about who would hang up the phone first? Or how about when he mustered up the courage to ask you for your phone number, you wrote it down on the palm of his hand, and you couldn’t wait for him to call? Technology is taking the life out of relationships. People need human interaction to survive. Pressing buttons to get a date takes effort out of the courting process. If we don’t work for it, we won’t respect it. Dating by text is completely unacceptable other than, “I’m on the way,” “Running a little late,” “Red wine or white,” etc. Pick up the phone and say her name. She’s a grown woman. Teens text–adults talk. Someone who text messages you 100 percent of the time is often a sign of someone who isn’t 100 percent interested in you. To build relationships on text is to build a bridge on ice–the foundation isn’t strong enough to sustain when the heat is on.

Aren’t you tired of settling for being “texted” out on dates? If all he does is text you, tell him he’s going to need to find the next you. Send him this reply: “While you’re lazily sending me text messages, someone is busy taking me out on dates. That touch screen is all you’ll ever touch.” Even with email, social networking and text messaging, a gentlewoman still prefers properly being asked on a nice date. Cut communication until you’re courted. Insist on real dates. You’re in control of this thing. Take your crown back!

Text Tips:

Be Clear
– It’s easy to misinterpret a text message. You can’t gage emotion, tone or pitch through a phone screen. Be straightforward. Be understandable.

No Substituting Text for Real Communication
– Texting is informal. Don’t send funeral arrangements, wedding invites, breakup, etc. via text. Such information should be addressed in person or over the phone. Have some decency.

Don’t Send Sensitive Information
– Social security numbers, bank information and any data you wouldn’t want in the hands of a stranger shouldn’t be sent…this includes your nude photos. If your phone gets lost or stolen, a stranger now has access to your privates. It’s best to deliver sensitive information over a call or in person. With the increase in technological advances, never has it been easier for hackers to gain entry into your phone. Be wise. Be warned.

Reply Back
– It’s rude to not respond. It can be taken the wrong way. A simple “I’m busy” is sufficient. A one-word response doesn’t mean a person is uninterested – it means she/he is busy. Be more concerned with no response.

NOTE
: Sending two unanswered text messages is persistence. Sending three unanswered text messages is desperation. Sending four unanswered text messages is stalking. Settle down.

Disclaimer: Your lips can begin a relationship–your breath can end one. If you have bad breath, you should only be allowed to text.

Online Etiquette:
Some people believe the Internet is a make-believe magical place for them to become whomever they want and say whatever they want. Just like real life, the Internet requires etiquette.

• Speak to people online exactly how you’d speak to them in their face. In today’s climate, keyboard courage can get you killed.
  
• Your online life should reflect your real life. Your status update shouldn’t say, “Hang gliding over Italy,” when I just saw you at Burger King ordering a #3 with no onions.
  
• If you’re handling business online, pay no attention to a troll.
  

Restroom Etiquette:
Strange. But many women would agree that a restroom isn’t merely a setting to deplete waste. It’s an environment to fellowship, cry and buy time to dial your friend to instruct her to call you back in five minutes in order to save you from a bad date. The problem isn’t what occurs in the restroom–it’s what doesn’t occur. Post-restroom hand washing is a dying trend. That hand delivered fecal matter is a no-no. It’s not only classless, but it’s responsible for the spread of harmful bacteria. Get back to the basics, people.

As a younger man, I had my share of run-ins in the Ladies’ restroom. Whether it was sneaking in to make out with a young Lady or the combination of a vacant lavatory and my uncontrollable bladder, I’ve visited enough women’s washrooms to witness what a man should never witness. Please learn the protocol of properly discarding personal sanitary items. A code of excellent etiquette is leaving environments that you occupy better off than when you arrived. Clean up after yourself.

Flatulence Etiquette
:
Part of living is farting, and Ladies do it as much as men–they’re just usually not as loud and proud about it. I’ve never heard my wife fart. Ever. I’ve never heard my mother fart. Ever. A Lady is a flower. Flowers don’t stink. I understand we’re all human, and our bodies must function. I just can’t get past the public passing of gas, and many agree. It’s OK to be too cute to poot. But if you must release scents from the anus, please excuse yourself from all places where you’re not the only one breathing. If there exists no immediate exit, provide a warning before the vile chemicals escape and are inhaled, furthermore identified by the nose of an innocent bystander. If you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. Below are four ways you can pass gas with class:

• Create a Distraction:
  In a car, turn up the radio and roll down the window. If in public, cough, sneeze or talk loudly–anything to detract the attention away from the sound. You can’t mask that scent though.
  
• Go to a Quiet Place:
  There must be some secret soundproof place you can go emit. My wife found it! The restroom, perhaps?
  
• Exercise Discretion:
  When the stomach bubbles, you’re in trouble. You can’t run once it’s done. It takes seconds for the molecules to disperse and the odor to be detected within close proximity. Utilize your growling stomach as a cue to depart rather expeditiously.
  
• Use Your Poker Face:
  Don’t react. If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? OK, maybe the philosophical thought doesn’t work here. What will work is no reaction from you. Only a brave woman has the audacity to fart with a straight face as if it never happened. If you’re bold enough to do that, the victim might begin to question if it even ever occurred. Consequently, you’ll be ruled out as the perpetrator.
  

In all seriousness, embrace what makes you human. There are far greater issues than strange noises followed by thirty seconds of a foul odor. Everybody’s doing it!

NOTE
: If you consume food slower, you’ll take in less air and might pass gas less often.

Gold-Digging Etiquette:
There’s simply no such thing. Gold-digging isn’t a new phenomenon, but it’s a pathetic one. To engage in any relationship with the ill intention of deception or establishing material possessions as primary interest is immoral, selfish and classless. Prioritizing financial security over all other factors is a recipe for disaster. A man isn’t a financial plan. There’s nothing wrong with desiring a fellow with financial security as long as you can create the same without him. The only thing a man you’re dating is required to pay you is attention. Wake up from the daydream of a man supplying all your needs while you sit oceanside doing nothing with your life. You have all the potential in you to create that lifestyle for yourself. Your life of security, financial freedom and luxury has nothing to do with a man. If you’re considering gold-digging, fill out a job application instead. Get a job…a real one.

NOTE:
Men can be gold-diggers, too. Be warned.

Goal-Digging Etiquette:
I have a dream that one day all gold-diggers will become goal-diggers. If money is your concern, goal-dig. It’s much more respected when it’s earned. If you insist on being a groupie, stalk your dreams and let success be your sex!

Gift-Giving Etiquette:
Giving is a selfless and natural gesture that satisfies an innate desire. Like many forms of etiquette, it fulfills both the receiver and the giver. Receiving gifts is easy. Giving gifts – not so much. What do you give, when do you give it and to whom shall you give it to?

What to give:
Pay attention. People are pretty blatant about their desires whether spoken or unspoken. Take notice to what they don’t have, but obviously need. Some women have a keen sense of awareness in regards to figuring out what’s lacking and providing accordingly. Scan their home and notice what’s missing. Listen to what interests them. Getting gift ideas from someone’s social networking pages is a great idea, too. People post what they like. If you’re not up to a scavenger hunt, just ask. Some people don’t mind at all. If you prefer to surprise someone with a gift, you should ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is the gift for a man or woman?
   
2. What is her/his relationship to you?
   
3. What’s her/his age?
   
4. What’s the occasion?
   
5. Name three things she/he is currently into – what’s their personality?
   

The answer to the above questions should provide you with the perfect gift idea. Below are a few gifts you might consider giving him:

1. Give him a chance
   . Maybe you’ve been unnecessarily reluctant or hard on him. If he’s a great catch, return that unanswered text and tell him to call you.
   
2. Give him up
   . Letting go just might be the best gift for him and you. This is an affordable gift and might even save you money!
   
3. Give him time
   . Maybe he’s not where you’d like him to be but well on his way. He’s ambitious, trying and showing progress. Understand when something good is worth the wait. This could be a great gift for both of you. Just keep the receipt.
   
4. Do you hate those dirty sneakers he wears
   ? Would you like him to dress his age? Take him to a tailor and upgrade him! This is your opportunity to “change” us without an argument. Great gift!
   
5. The perfect scent makes perfect sense
   . Another gift for him that you will benefit from is cologne –
   see
   Tom Ford
   .
   
6. Wrap your credit card in a box with a note
   : “Yours for the day” attached. That would be the day!
   
7. Forget Skype and get a flight
   . Cash in your frequent flyer miles and gift the two of you a vacation. It costs you nothing and benefits the both of you.
   
8. You in a bow
   . Just a bow. (Married only).
   
9. Get him
   BEREOLAESQUE: The Contemporary Gentleman & Etiquette book for the Urban Sophisticate
   .
   He’ll be a better man because of it.
   
10. Get her a copy of the book you’re currently reading
    . Nothing says “I care about you” more than sharing wisdom.