Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (2 page)

“Sometimes the king is a woman…”

— James De La Vega

Judge This Book by its Cover

She’s classic. She’ll never go out of style. She’s particularly presented, well-behaved and well-paid. She’s feminine and fashionable, but wears a crooked crown because real Ladies aren't perfect, and perfect Ladies aren't real. She works damn hard, owns her own and owns up to who she is. She supersedes elegance. She’s a lover of God, good food, good novels and good manners. She has a crush on culture and cocktails. She’s confident and intelligent. If you’re brave enough to read her, understand her and listen to her advice, you will become her…

…She is king.

Gentlewoman.

READER DISCLAIMER

The content of this book is exclusively intended for the entity of whom it is addressed. I specifically had you in mind when constructing its invaluable scribing. This book contains confidential or privileged material to be used for the benevolence of womankind. Any unauthorized behavior is prohibited beyond this point. I leave you with the responsibility of transforming literature into lifestyle, impacting this world one gentlewoman at a time. This is not merely a book—but a lifestyle.

—Bereolaesque

Contents

Foreword

Prelude: Hurricane Katrina:
Calm the Storm

I. Introduction:
The End

II. Lost Crown:
Cold War

III. Kingdom Come:
Restoration

Interlude:
Ten Commandments

IV. Pleasantries:
Gentlewoman’s Law

V. Miss Representation:
The Birth of a Nation

VI. Inner Views:
Interviews
Feat: Meagan Good | Bryan-Michael Cox | Leola Bell | Bobby Wagner

Interlude: 3 Roses:
Lost Mail
90

VII. King’s English:
A Lady’s Lexicon

VIII. Sometimes the King is a Woman:
Independence Day

IX. Victoria’s Secret:
Essence of Elegance

Interlude: Cease and Desist:
Quit

X. Untitled

XI. Gentlewoman:
Class is Back in Session

XII. Beverly’s Heels:
California

Intermission: Throne:
Art Show

Interlude: Red Lips on a White Glass:
The Art of Wine

XIII. Tender:
Emotions

XIV. Such a Lady:
Contemporary Gentlewomen

XV. Royal Courting:
The Etiquette of Dating

Interlude: Gentlemen’s Section:
Man Cave

XVI. Shut Up and Train
:
The Gauntlet

XVII. King James Version:
Faith

XVIII. Grace Under Fire:
Socially Awkward

Interlude: Problems:
Solutions

XIX. Oh Sit:
The Power of Class

XX. Still a Lady:
Flaws and All

XXI. The Beginning:
Crown

Fin!

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Foreword

To the women,

Who find just as much inspiration in tracing the veins on the back of the curious hands

Of a lover, as they do in tracing their own curves in the full-length mirror.

It’s the halves that have us in half,

And in between those cracks we fill with love.

A love that leaks through our lips when we talk about a lover like he put the stars in the sky,

And a self-love to know that without us, there would be no sky
.

Luciana Garbarni

Prelude

Hurricane Katrina:
Calm the Storm

Sometimes the best advice is to ignore advice, including mine. Who do I think I am writing literature for women anyway? If I were to read this book title in front of a room full of feminists, I might get more
boos
than a polygamist. But wait! Don’t shut the book. Listen to my story:

When my siblings were younger, my father locked his keys in the car along with my 3-year-old brother. Inconvenient drops of warm, salt-soaked sweat reminded them it was a hot California summer. The car interior was like an oven. It hurt to breathe. Cell phones were non-existent as a casual luxury to call for help – my father began to panic. He tried enlisting the assistance of several strangers in the parking lot, but the world was in a rush that day. As my sister tried to get our father’s attention, he scolded her. He frantically searched his pockets for change to use a payphone while she tugged at his waist. “Not now!” father yelled, “This is an emergency.” The texture of his voice was like sandpaper. “Well, this is an emergency, too!” she thought. Once again, my sister innocently grabbed a handful of his turquoise blue track pants. “Woman,” he said calmly. She was only a little girl. She knew he was serious. But if she didn’t give it one last attempt, my brother would cook! Finally she yelled, “Tell him to roll down the window from inside the car, and you can unlock the door yourself!”
They both learned valuable lessons that day:

1. Drown out the noise. Shatter your bias. When you decide to sit quietly and listen, you can learn anything from anyone. If the advice is applicable, then the source is irrelevant. The truth remains the truth whether accepted or denied and no matter whom it’s delivered by. God spoke through an ass (
   Numbers 22:28
   ).
   
2. Though opposition might meet you, share your solutions in an emergency. It can save a life.
   

Whether right or wrong, some things need to be said in order to start a necessary conversation.

This is an emergency! I don’t care if it’s popular; I care if it’s truth. I didn’t write this book because I wanted to, but because I had to. My goal isn’t for you to like me; my goal is for you to like yourself. If you’re looking for praise without justification, unmerited approval and someone to kiss your ass, you’ve come across the wrong author. If you’re looking for exaggerated, chauvinistic and irrational literature, you’ve picked up the wrong book. This isn’t one of those “how to get a man” books or “I think I’m right just because I’m a man” books.

This is an authentic etiquette book for women, written by a man–a crazy man, crazy over you and crazy enough to write for and about you. I understand that women are natural healers, but you too require healing. It’s OK to hurt. You have permission to cry. Your glow is recoverable. It will return. The problem with strength is no one ever asks if you’re well. Sometimes you’re not OK, and that’s OK. Your journey to womanhood is no joke. I’ve witnessed it through my grandmother’s weary eyes, through my mother’s silent struggles and my sister’s violent tears. What can I tell you about being a woman? Nothing. That isn’t my place. Women experience the world in a way men never will. You have a journey with struggles we won’t relate to. But I can remind you who you are. I can provide clarity from an unbiased perspective. I can get you to love yourself more, and men and women to love each other better. I can encourage you on your journey and at your pit stops. I can provide balance. I don’t want to change you. I want to add to you. You’ll willingly change for yourself.

Much of the information about women is filtered through other women. Don’t allow your ears to be impervious to my words because I’m a man. Sometimes you want to hear a guy’s thoughts. Do women only listen to women? Do you ignore everything coming from a man because he’s a man? Hypersensitivity and political correctness should never drown out truth. Ever. If a fellow handed you one million dollars, would you refuse it because it came from a bloke? A million dollars is still a million dollars, no matter who hands it to you. Its value won’t change because a man delivered it. That’s a ridiculous notion. I didn’t come to pick a fight. Sensitivity was highly considered while producing this literature. The value of its content doesn’t change because a man wrote it. This is an emergency!

Pay attention to your story. How is it being told? What’s being said? Are you presented accurately? The lines between fact and fiction are blurred. Your truth is watered down. Society is taking notes. A woman’s narrative isn’t limited to flesh and childbearing. You’re more than a victim with hips. Is this your story?

You don’t have to take my word for it. This manual is full of real insight from unbiased men, and yes, some women. I’ve enlisted the help of several friends from celebrities to everyday people, doctors and athletes–each contributing to the conversation. All contributions offer perspectives from different walks of life with vast views. This story is the voice of fathers, loving husbands, boyfriends, friends, brothers and sons. It’s the voice of your culture and your community.

It’s been said the thinnest book in the world is titled, “What Men Know about Women.” I’d argue the thinnest book in the world is titled, “Who Cares Enough to Say Anything about the Demise of a Lady?” I’m willing to increase the pages. Each page written to explore, inform, educate and empower.

This book isn’t the end all be all. This book is a suggestion. This book is about honesty. Utilize this literature as a reflective piece to reveal what you want to improve upon and what you want to celebrate. I wrote this book to draw you closer to the thoughts you have about yourself – sometimes that’s best accomplished from the outside looking in. This literary work isn’t intended to judge; it’s intended to restore. It wasn’t written to be judged, but to be considered.