Gena/Finn (18 page)

Hey lady. Been thinking about you a lot, didn't know what to say.

The truth is it's been hella tough not knowing what you were up to, and maybe after nine years that's really fucking pathetic. Maybe it's that my whole damn childhood was with you or maybe it's that I looked you up a few times and couldn't ever find you (I'm not sure I would know how to use my fucking email if I didn't have a PA to tell me, thank you TV business for helping stupid people survive) but I don't think it's because of how you left so if that makes you feel any better then...let it.

That's never going to be who you were to me. You were just this sweet fucking little kid who got fucked up by the system and the stress and maybe a little by that too smart for your own good brain of yours but mostly by those chemicals like you said.

I guess what I wanted to say is you're not like a Jake, dorky little fangirl.

So don't worry.

--big brother

big bro--

you're not stupid. possibly wrong (if you heard my soggy i've-just-been-crying-my-eyes-out voice you might not be so confident about not-crazy) but not stupid. so shut up. i hear you use that in interviews all the time, aww i'm just a dumb head of hair. doesn't work on me.

just like me being kind of evasive and sarcastic hasn't worked on you, huh. we can't get anything past each other.

--little sis

Except that we do. Maybe we shouldn't be trying to do that.

--bb

except that we do. --ls

Why were you crying?

ugh no i'm so bored of me. tell me about you. you and toby really as close as you tell people? is the girlfriend real or a publicity stunt?

keep in mind i will, of course, be selling all your answers to tabloids.

Aww, yeah, Toby's the best. Except when he's being a dick to you, obviously. (Seriously, he feels so bad. He's making you A CAKE when you come. It's gonna be awful, trust me, I know the guy.)

Miranda's real! Actually has been for way longer than people think. We dated on and off through HS and we've been solid for the past four years. She's fucking unstoppable, I'll try to make sure she's on set one of the days you're here. She hates tv so she's kind of awful but I love her. I'm attaching her with my cat on her head.

sweet lord that's adorable.

Yeah, his name's Buzz Lightyear. My nephew named him.

i meant the girl!

Ahhhh I see. I like the cat better.

stupid big brother.

So come on. Why were you crying?

i think i'm ruining my best friend's life.

Boy or girl?

girl. stephanie. goes by finn. she was at the con but you probably don't remember.

Eesh, sorry, yeah, there was a lot of people there. Cute, though.

yeah, she is.

I meant the name...

fuuuuuuuck

Still crushing on girls, curious little eight year old?

is that relevant?

You tell me.

she's married. practically. okay not practically. but her boyfriend wants to marry her and deep down she wants to marry him and she doesn't know but i do, except the husband has (WE HAVEN'T) set this up as a genevieve vs charlie kind of situation and right now she's on her way to me so like...god, fuck me. i don't know why my tendency for pushing everyone away the second after i let them in doesn't apply to her. she's immune to me like you are i guess.

and maybe that's the issue, that you both have this weird thing where you know too many parts of me. i mean we didn't talk in years and you still know me better than my ex-boyfriend who thinks he loves me because i'm good in bed and i held his hand when his mom was dying and i let him read my weird feminist poetry from my high school phase back when i hated everyone and not just me. and him.
but you know weird child actor me and crazy me and now you know eighteen year old rambly me and you're not judging me for coming to a con for your show like a stalker person or for running out of there or for, let's hope, having crushes on girls. ex-boy

didn't get all of that. ex-bff didn't get all of that. because why would i tell people? why is telling someone everything something people need? i didn't have you for years and as nice as it is talking now, and as much as i all the time thought about getting in touch with you, it wasn't because i needed you to fill some void in my life and i'm pretty sure you feel the same way so whatever.

and then Finn comes along.

this fucking girl, she has no damn idea how amazing she is, and i think if she did then maybe she'd understand why charlie loves her enough to marry her and there we go to the part where i'm ruining my best friend's life, because instead of telling her she's amazing i'm letting her come stay with me, and instead of telling her she needs to forget me and let him love her i'm letting her come stay with me, and instead of feeling bad about those things i'm here crying because i know that at some point she's going to have to leave and go back home and i don't want her to

she knows everything about me. she knows about man of the house. she knows about me coming to your show. she knows about my parents never being home and the issues i'm having right now at college and weird shit i'm into in bed and what i want
to do when i grow up and how i went crazy and how i hear fire alarms in my sleep and how i think i might be going crazy again and what if i tell her too much and finally push her away, and why haven't i figured out how to do that yet.
i'm crying because my practically-married friend can't live with me in my dorm forever.
so there you go.