Gator (5 page)

Gator

Setting Mia’s
treadmill to the lowest speed and incline so she won’t lose her balance, I realize
just how out of shape she is. Until now, I’ve never considered how much time
and care she’ll need to get healthy. A few iron pills and big meals won’t do
it.

I work on the
treadmill next to her. My settings are turned as fast and high as I can bear. I
need to get a good workout to avoid giving one to Mia’s pussy. Occasionally, I
glance in her direction and find her looking tired even at the slow speed. I
focus my gaze back on the big screen TV. I don’t care about the local news, but
I need to keep from thinking about Mia.

The moment I
think her name, I’m forced to turn my gaze to her again. She’s not walking
anymore, but standing with her feet on the edges as the treadmill works without
her.

Mia’s
watching me.
No, she’s feasting on me.
I keep running, sweat pouring
down my bare chest while Mia stares in aroused awe.

“You’re
making me feel like a piece of meat,” I finally say.

Mia’s blue
eyes lift to my face and she seems surprised to see me. I can’t help grinning.

“I’m sorry,”
she mumbles, giving a little shiver as her gaze roams again.

“No, you’re
not.”

Mia smiles,
but she’s not really listening. I’m just a shirtless hunk of meat she wants to
explore. She leaves the treadmill and stands next to mine.

“Jake,” she
whispers.

“I know,” I
say, returning my gaze to the TV.

Mia says
nothing more. She’s flustered by her arousal. It’s new for her and she wants to
see what the next step feels like. My woman wants to play, but I can’t. There will
be no mere taste if we return to the room. I will devour everything she has to
offer and Mia will never be truly mine again.

So I ignore
her staring and the little sighs she makes as we walk back to the room. I
shower first and satisfy a need I can’t have satisfied by her. Mia looks confused
when I emerge from the bathroom. She says nothing then showers even though she
never broke a sweat.

Later, we sit
at a little Mexican restaurant while I ignore her. Mia won’t stop staring. Her
gaze demands attention, but I give her none. I refuse to go too far with her
and I’m too tightly wound for baby steps.

When Mia
stands up, I’m startled by the gesture and think she’s leaving. I immediately
switch to my alert killer mode as if I can take control and force her to stay.
She walks to where I sit and stands over me. A little part of me wonders if she
might attack. Does she want revenge for Rodent? My paranoia shocks me, but I
can’t shake it.

Mia stares
down at me with a look I’m beginning to understand. It’s the gaze of a lost
child mixed with a needy woman. Hell, I could stare into those eyes forever.

“Come,” I
say, patting my lap.

Tenderly, Mia
rests across my legs. She stares at me still.

“You look
scared.”

“You’re so
beautiful.”

“And that
scares you?”

“I don’t want
you to leave me.”

I smile
because we’re on the same page. “You’re mine.”

Mia nods, but
looks unconvinced. Her hand rests on my chest and I feel my almost
uncontrollable lust return. If we were alone at this very moment, I think I
might have taken her. Based on her gaze, she would allow me to take her too.
She wouldn’t enjoy it and I want her to more than endure my touch.

“You got hot
and bothered from me flexing my muscles, huh?” I tease as she runs her delicate
fingers across my lips.

Despite the
worry in her eyes, Mia smiles. “You’re funny,” she says then adds without the
smile, “So perfect.”

I clear my
throat and fight the urge to laugh. “I’m not perfect. You know that too.”

“Beautiful
and smart and strong and funny. Perfect.”

Mia is
breathing too fast again. Excited more than aroused, I sense she wants me to
hold her. I want to hold her too, but I worry about when we’re alone later.

“After we get
back to the hotel,” I say, caressing under her neck and ponytail, “I need some
space from you.”

“Why?” she
nearly whimpers and tries to stand.

I hold her in
place by the waist. “I want you. The way I take a woman is rough. You don’t
want that, do you?”

“I don’t
care.”

“You’re
lying. You need to know it’s me and I need you to feel safe. Right now, taking
you the way I take other women will leave you scared and me angry. You don’t
want to be scared, do you?”

“I want you.”

“You want it
to be real,” I say, studying her features. “Special. Different than all those
men before. I’m not them. You’re not the women I had before.”

Wrapping my
hand around her neck, I press her into the crook of my neck. Mia sighs and her
warm breath against my skin feels perfect. This is how I need my life to be.
With Mia, the world doesn’t suffocate and my past can’t haunt. I’m powerful and
free. It’s why I’m keeping her. I just don’t know how to take her yet and it’s
driving us both a little crazy.

Gator

Satisfying my
needs in the shower, I close my eyes and think of Mia. The shower smells of her
hair products and I imagine it’s her body giving me pleasure. I think of those
lips that smile so easily for me now. I imagine her sweet pussy sucking at my
cock. In my mind, I’m touching those hard nipples that react so strongly to the
sight of me. All of her will be mine soon.

Mia is back
on the ground, looking at her snow globes. She picks up one, shakes it, and
watches the sparkles. I admire her while she admires her cheap gifts. I think
of giving her something more meaningful, but I don’t know shit about gifts. In
thirty years, I’ve never had a girlfriend or a woman worth buying anything for.

Sensing me,
Mia looks over her shoulder and grins. I’m lost in that smile and wonder again
if I should hand her off to someone better. A shelter for abused women or
something. Am I any different than her old man or Carz or the other shitheads? Maybe,
but I want her and don’t care about the rest.

“I’m going
out. If you get hungry, order something on the phone and it’ll be charged to
the room.”

“Can I go
with you?” she asks, standing immediately.

“No.”

“How come?”

I grab my
keys and head for the door. “I’m going somewhere you don’t need to be. When I
get back, we’ll go hunting for my next target. Just stay here and behave.”

Hearing my
harsh tone, I sound like a pissed father with a bratty kid. I pause at the door
and find her staring sadly at me.

“I’m in a
weird place up here,” I say, tapping my head. “I need to fix that. Let me have
this, okay?”

Mia’s
expression mellows and she smiles. I’m asking her to help me and she wants to
be useful. I like how willing she is to make me happy and wish I knew what to
do about us. While I don’t know the answers, there’s someone who might.

Flame is like
a mentor. Mostly because he’s older and been in the business longer. He met me
when I was a twitchy kid, still learning to hold back rather than go into a
situation guns blazing. Flame started young too. I never heard the whole story.
I just knew he must be around fifty, yet claimed to be in the business for over
forty years.

He lives in a
corner apartment in a big grey building near a manmade nature preserve. I never
understand how Flame can tolerate the city. He’s like me in that he comes from
the wild. He grew up in Georgia, killing squirrels and possums for food. Now,
he lives surrounded by yuppies and their little dogs.

Flame answers
the door in his robe and slippers. It’s nearly eleven and he doesn’t look
sleepy. With him lounging like on a vacation, I wonder if he’s retired from
setting people ablaze.

“Gator,” he says,
his weathered black face warming at the sight of me. I also notice he loosens
the grip on the gun in his robe pocket.

“I need to
talk.”

“You in trouble?”
he asks, allowing me inside. I see his eyes twinkle at the idea of me running
to him like a scared bitch. “You piss off the wrong amigo?”

“That’s not
why I’m here.”

The thing I
like about Flame is he doesn’t talk just to hear his voice. He can shut up for
long periods of time until he has something real to say. Today, he pours
himself a cup of coffee then walks to the balcony with the view of the pond. I
join him and notice the ducks he often feeds. The same ducks he occasionally
uses for target practice to keep himself sharp.

“I met
someone,” I say and wait for him to laugh.

Flame doesn’t
disappoint. He actually wipes his eyes afterwards. I let him enjoy the moment
then get to my point.

“I don’t know
why I want her. There’s no rational reason she’s mine. I also think maybe I
shouldn’t keep her. She’s all kinds of fucked up. I think she needs therapy and
someone better than me.”

“Therapy?
What’s her problem?”

“Child whore
pimped by her dad. Carz paid me to kill her and her fuckwad old man.”

“Dad dead?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s the
problem?”

“Carz thinks
she’s dead too.”

“So fucking
what? Men like us take what we want and get benefits with the job. You want
this girl, you take her. Fuck Carz and his job. He’s lucky you don’t kill him
instead. I’ve killed for less.”

Rubbing the
back of my neck, I want to make myself clear. The thoughts in my head remain jumbled
up.

“I saw her
through the scope of my rifle and I wanted her. I’m convincing myself it’s more
now. I don’t believe in delusions.”

Flame nods,
but I can see how my problem amuses him. “Any two people can be more, Gator.
Don’t overfuckingthink these things. My first woman was a simple girl. Shy and
a little cold. My second woman was a firecracker who fucked like a pro. How
does a man love such different women? He just fucking does. No reason to think
about it. You feel what you feel. You take what you want. Life is too damn
short to worry about it much more than that.”

“She’s messed
up and I’m making her fit my plans. She doesn’t even know where we’re going.
Hell, she doesn’t know how to read a map.”

“What else
you gonna do, boy? Drop her off at some shelter and let them tell her it’s all
better now? She’s your woman. You need to make her happy and a normal man would
make her feel like a freak. She spent too long in hell.”

“I don’t know.”

Flame gives
me a sideways glance. “You think therapy would help you?”

“Fuck no.”

Flame just
grins like he knew my answer and was fucking with me. “Two kinds of visits to
hell. A day spa and the extended stay. A person has something bad happen to
them and they can pick up the pieces. Therapy fixes those minor trips to hell.
You stay in hell too long and it fucks you up permanent. All you can do then is
make a new life that doesn’t return you to hell. You hurt this girl?”

“No. I’m not
really nice either. I can’t be all gentle and shit. I want to, but my hands
don’t know how to do that.”

“She cry when
you fuck her? She scared of you?”

“She thinks
I’m her hero.”

“Then, you
have to be her damn hero. What’s the problem?”

“A hero
saves. Me taking her into my world and keeping her doesn’t seem like saving.”

“She’s not
just some girl off the street. She’s all fucked up like you. Two losers in
love. I like it.”

“I don’t want
to do wrong by her, but I also want to keep her.”

“Then keep
her.”

“That simple,
huh?”

“You’re still
young, Gator. You think life has some great meaning and God cares and all those
young people lies. I’m old enough to know that you get only so much time to be
happy. If you ask me, this girl is your sign. You’ve been wanting to go away to
your paradise for years, but never do it. Now, you have someone to play house
with and I think you were just afraid to go alone. I know you hate the city,
but you don’t want to be alone again like in the swamp. It’s why I live here
with these stupid people. I like the noise. Keeps me from thinking I’m back in
Georgia. That’s my hell and I ain’t going back.”

“I need to
kill Carz.”

“No doubt.
Just get paid first. No reason to kill all these people for free. He wants them
dead then he needs to pay. Soon as he does, you kill him for your woman. That’s
the thing about playing with fire. You’re bound to get burned. Carz is a joke,
thinking he is a big man with his fancy cars and big titty whores, but he don’t
know scary until he meets men like us. You kill him slow too, Gator. I don’t
like the fucker, but I don’t want to drive to his place and do the job myself.
Kill him for me and your woman. Make the world a better place.”

After an hour
of bullshitting about jobs and women, I leave Flame’s place. Every chick we
mentioned made me miss Mia. She was sitting alone at the hotel missing me. I
knew she was because that was how she worked.

Instead of
returning to the hotel right away, I stop at Toys R Us for that gift my woman
needs. I find a kid’s tablet, so she can learn to read. It’s something for
elementary school kids, but a hell of a lot nicer than how I learned shit.

I have it
wrapped for Mia. Seems like a lot of work for little payoff, but I think of her
as a kid and doubt she got many gifts over the years. My suspicions are proven
correct when she sees the present and stares at it.

“You going to
open it?” I ask when she only runs her fingers over the wrapping.

Mia stares into
my eyes and my bravado is gone. Afraid to rush a moment she so rarely enjoyed,
she’s scared to open the gift. I run my fingers along the bow and allow myself to
be young again. Thinking like a boy, I understand why she is reluctant to pull
back the wrapping and see what’s inside.

“You can keep
the wrapping,” I whisper.

Mia holds my
gaze and nods. Her fingers delicately pull at the tapped edges, tugging just
enough to open without tearing. Soon, she stares at the learning tablet.

“I figured if
it helps little kids learn to read, it’ll help you. Little kids are stupid and
you’re not.”

Mia’s gaze
lifts to mine and I see sadness, instead of joy. She steps around the table and
walks to me.

“I have
nothing to give you,” Mia whimpers. “I can’t give you a gift. I can’t give you
anything.”

“You want to
give me something?”

She nods. Her
eyes remain sad, yet dry.

“I want to
kiss you,” I say and her hands instantly reach for me, but I dodge her touch. “I
can’t have you touch me. Not if I want to control myself. Do you understand?”

Mia shows no
sign of understanding. Yet, after a minute, her hands hide behind her back and
her lips lift up towards me.

I can barely
control myself. My hands shake as I cup her soft face. I struggle to ensure my
lips are careful. Mia acts like less of a professional whore than a hungry and
clumsy virgin. When her lips meet mine, the kiss starts slowly and I fight the
urge to take her to bed. I want to open her up and feel inside her. I need her
under me, but I only kiss her. Before I stop, I lick at her plump bruised lips.
She sighs at this and smiles as I step back.

Hands in
fists, I want more. My cock is so hard it’s painful. Mia stands before me,
beautiful and willing, but I don’t take her. I grind my fists into the sides of
my head and calm the fuck down before I do what I can’t undo.

By the time I’m
under control, Mia is focused on her gift and the sadness in her eyes return.

“You are my
gift,” I whisper, scratching at my scarred arms to avoid taking her in them. “I
don’t need a trinket in a pretty box. I have you.”

Mia smiles,
yet her eyes remain lost. She needs more from me and I restrain my needs.

Stepping
closer, I hover over her and she seems to think we’ll kiss again. I see a smile
on her lips even if her eyes show no happiness. Instead of touching her lips
with mine, I lean my forehead against hers and look into those baby blues.

“When I first
got to New Orleans, I was overwhelmed. All I wanted to do was eat. There were
so many restaurants and the food was so good. I didn’t have to hunt and cook
it. I could sit there and be served amazing food and I ate until I could barely
breathe. I couldn’t stop myself because I never knew this kind of world growing
up.”

Mia places a
hand on my chest and sighs. “I love my present.”

“You’re
overwhelmed. You had nothing for so long and now it’s too much. I promise it
gets easier. I didn’t eat myself to death, did I?”

Mia smiles
wider and her eyes brighten. I suspect she pictures me as a fat man dying from
too much seafood and barbecue. Laughing, she kisses me softly on the cheek then
looks back at the gift.

“I’m going to
learn to read,” she says like I’m offering her the world.

“When you get
stronger,” I mutter, staring hard out of the window, “I’ll let you go if you
want. If you want a different life, I won’t keep you with me.”

I know I’m
lying. These are the words of a man at the beginning of a relationship. I can
say them because she doesn’t want to leave me. I’m her hero. One day, she might
think differently and I won’t be the same man. It’s a lie to believe I won’t
force her to stay.

Mia joins me
at the window and smiles. “You look funny.”

“I’m pissed.”

Her smile
fades. “I upset you.”

“I hate lying
to you. I won’t let you go. I’ll keep you with me whether you want to stay or
not. I’m too selfish to give up what I want.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?” I
ask, arching an eyebrow that she immediately runs a finger over.

“I want you
to keep me.”

“You might
change your mind.”