Gator (11 page)

Mia’s Epilogue

Disneyland is
bigger than I expect. Louder and more crowded too. At first, I’m overwhelmed by
it all. Only the expression on Jake’s face keeps me from panicking. He looks
both horrified and awed.

After I talk
him into wearing the Mickey Mouse ears, I put on my Minnie Mouse ones and we
walk around the park. A lot of time is spent standing in lines and he holds me
really softly like I’m valuable to him. Around all these normal people, I do
feel a little dirty and bad. Every time I want to be Gidget, Jake reminds me
that I’m Mia.

We eat a lot
of food. Jake especially enjoys pigging out. Much of the food is junk kids eat
and he’s a little boy for the three days we spend in Anaheim. Well, during the
day anyway.

At night, we
fuck until our bodies are exhausted. We fall asleep smiling and I love Jake’s
smile. He’s the perfect man and I still can’t believe he found me. It’s amazing
to think he saw me through the scope of a rifle and decided I was worth saving.
Jake is my miracle.

Nicaragua
scares me during the first few weeks. I don’t understand anything anyone says
and no one looks like me. Our house feels too big and noises echo off the tile
floors. Every day, I expect Jake to send me back to the city because I’m always
scared and hiding behind him.

I don’t know
when I learn to love our new life. It’s gradual until one day I’m happy and
comfortable. The words people say make sense and I crave the local foods. Soon,
I walk around our house without feeling like an outsider. I even swim in the
pool behind our house without asking Jake for permission. This place has become
my home much like Jake became my love. One day, I had nothing. The next, I was
in paradise.

Jake is
different here. Still quiet, but relaxed in a way he never was in the city. When
he stares at the ocean, I feel him allowing the past to slowly die. The pain still
clings to him and I see his desire for vengeance sometimes. One day, Jake will
have to accept how there’s no one left to kill. We outlived them all and won
the battle.

Gator’s Epilogue

Nicaragua is
our home for two years now. We are no longer American visitors, but locals.
People know our names and stop us on the street to chat.

Mia has
friends here like she never enjoyed before. One is an older woman named Salete who
mothers her like she was never mothered. The other is Lupe who views Mia as her
lost blonde sister.

Mia adores
them and I see her confidence growing every day. They teach her to cook and
tend to the house. She becomes very creative with her meals and makes the finest
fish stew I’ve ever enjoyed. She also keeps our home tidy. Her only weak spot
is sweeping. The tile floors are forever in need of a broom and I finally hire
a neighbor girl to sweep. So happy to be free of the dull chore, Mia rewards me
in a way that makes my toes curl.

I doubt
she’ll ever learn to write Spanish or much English. Yet, she can read now.
Mostly first and second grader books, but those stories give her power. They
open the world to her and Mia no longer forgets Gidget is dead and gone.

We speak Spanish
most days and she picked it up faster than me. I tease her about that sometimes
and she’s embarrassed. When she gets all shy, I know how to distract her and
she still goes limp from those distractions.

Most days, I
spend on the beach fishing and swimming. I like to sit on a surfboard and stare
out at the power of the ocean. Each time I’m out there, I leave behind more of
my past.

Though she
loves our pool, Mia won’t join me in the ocean after learning living things
called it home. Instead, she sits on the beach and builds sandcastles. When I
return from my time with the ocean, Mia smiles like she knows I’m lighter now.
As if she understands how the ocean steals away my pain.

Several times
a week, I fish with the local men. I give them most of what I catch and only
take home enough for Mia to make her amazing soup. Other days, I fish alone. I need
the quiet of the beach and people leave me alone here. They don’t expect the
same things as in the city. They understand solitude.

A year after we
arrive in Nicaragua, Flame shows up on our porch with a suitcase. All he says is,
“Someone killed my ducks.”

Flame stays
with us for a few days before finding a place in the nearby town. Many
weekends, he visits with his new woman. Lidvina is a widow who isn’t very upset
to have lost her first husband. Flame says she’s his Goldilocks. His first
woman was too cold and quiet. His second was too hot and loud. Lidvina is just
right.

The four of
us sit on the porch in silence and appreciate how no one needs to talk. Flame only
raises his voice when he stands in the ocean during storms and dares God to
take him. Each time, he returns to the house and winks triumphantly at Lidvina.
Our paradise has become his too.

As much as I
like exploring with the local men, I remain closer to home lately. Mia is heavy
with my son who is nearly ready to enter the world. She loves her belly and is
always touching it. When I see her touching her bump, I want to touch it too.
Soon, we’re in the house, touching other things.

My son will
be Kai after my mother Kailani. Even if I don’t miss her, I honor the woman who
gave me life. She wasn’t the kind of mother to me that Mia will be to our son. Much
like my father was a monster, yet I don’t intend to be one with Kai. My son
will have a life unlike anything his parents knew.

Months after
we arrived in this paradise, Mia’s new friends encouraged her to have a
ceremony to mourn her lost child. I wasn’t sure about their plans and hated watching
Mia weep over her dead baby. Now, she enjoys a peace I never imagined possible.
Near our home, I created a stone marker for baby Eve and Mia brings flowers to
it weekly.

Despite our
good life, I worry about my son. What if I’m not the man I want to be? What if
I fail him and Mia? Even with my worries, the fear won’t stop me. I demand joy
in my life and found it with Mia. Soon, we’ll add Kai to our home and raise him
to never know the pain we experienced. He’ll have his own troubles and
disappointments, but he’ll never want for love.

When Kai’s
older, I’ll tell him about Gator. Make him understand where his family came
from and how we climbed out of the mud to find this paradise. When I tell him
about Gator and Gidget, I won’t feel shame.

The world
made me a killer, but love made me more.

Living in
Indiana with her three sweet sons, two wacky cats, one super mom (and her ugly
dog), Bijou loves writing, blogging, and Denny’s. Follow Bijou:

Her blog:
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***Bijou
Hunter is the pseudonym of author Angela Horn.